Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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I haven't dilated yet. At all. Fuuuuuuck.
 
Yay! The Sequester is here because congress couldn't agree on anything. Now we can just cut stuff and start to fix our debt that we have...

Oh wait, the just cut FTA for the Army and likely all branches of the military. That's nice, so now I am left with only my GI bill which barely pays for anything? Wonderful. So I am back to pretty much paying my own way through college. Haha, why did I even bother joining the military and getting deployed then? I guess it was all just for the hell of it. Seriously why can't cuts come from somewhere else, or something else? I've paid my dues and now I just want to make it through college with minimal to no debt. A majority of the world seems to be able to do it, why can't we America?

I guess I can just hope that FTA will come back next year, otherwise it is back to loans and out of pocket expenses.
 
People. Take my advice. Never. Ever. EVER. Stick your dick/cooch in/near crazy.

It sticks to you like gum on a shoe. Even after you've made it apparent that you don't want it, it clings and it clings and then it clings some more.

I swear, if this keeps up, I'm going to get angrier and angrier. March is supposed to be peaceful for me. I've made the decision to try and set this month aside to try and keep from getting into too much stress or trouble out of respect.

Instead, I'm staring at this message and glaring at it, hoping I suddenly have lazer-beam powers and can just stare it into smithereens.

But, alas, I don't.

I swear, that fortune cookie lied. it said an old ally will come to your aide soon. ALL MY OLD "ALLIES" ARE NOT EXACTLY THE BEST PEOPLE. WHY ELSE WOLD I PULL A FUCKING ONE-EIGHTY? THIS GIRL IS NOT AN ALLY, SHE IS CRAZY, SLATHERED IN DELUSIONAL, DIPPED IN "NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN, EVER".

I.... I think I need to play games.... like... Left 4 Dead 2 or something....
 
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS IS STUPID!

Can't we just pick a time and stick to it?
 
Yes, Mum. When I am in the middle of timing my eggs is the perfect moment to set the clock forward. >:[
 
Strep throat. Srsly?

Dehydration. Srsly?

Big ugly swollen foot that won't fit in my shoe. Srsly?

I drink shitloads of water, I swear! You got no idea how often I get up to go piss! And when I want coffee or pop, I go "Nah, I better have water." Yet every doctor is like "Drink moar, it'll help your feet and your rapid pulse." >:[ Grrrr! *noms antibiotics*
 
That amazing fucking moment when you're at a LAN party and everyone's playing something you don't have. Wonderful.
 
That moment, that horrible, lonely moment when you realize that you are never going to find anyone (or so it feels like) who knows what it's like to be losing two young siblings to illness. I don't WANT my brother and sister to die. It's not FAIR.

But life ain't fair. And that just sucks even more.
 
Self reflection is brutal, and hurts, but it has to be done. I'm tired of having self-doubt in myself and it's time to start trying harder again. I'm falling back into old hurtful habits and it's time that they stopped. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, especially not you. Ii'm tired of being so terrified of things and holding myself back! I need to wake up and be strong and fight through this, but I sometimes just feel so tired of it all! *sighs* /self pitty
 
Raaah. I have had 3 dogs sniped out from under me because either we were a couple hours late, our had prior obligations that meant we had to come the next day to get the dog. This last one we were approved for but couldn't come get him yet because my roommate and I were busy with the military for the weekend. We call the next day and some chick that came in to get another dog left with the one we were supposed to get. What the hell.

So we decide to go for a different dog of theirs, and now we get FUCKING DECLINED? What the fuck is going on with this shelter. We want the dog, we will give it plenty of exercise, it will have a stable home and we both have more money than any college student should have. Give us the freaking dog. But now we are looking at a new dog, once again, and if this one gets taken or we get declined I am just going to assume we aren't meant to own a dog.
 
Why the hell do I have that sick feeling in my gut like bad news is coming. I haven't felt like this in six months, not since the blowout. But it's the same feeling now of sitting and churning and waiting for the bad news to come. Damnit and I have to drive two hours tomorrow I can't be lying awake all night stewing.
 
Goddammit.
 
Some days I really just don't see the point.
 
Pretty sure this describes how I got hit on by an old friend... again.



Goddammit.

I am so fucking embarrassed.
 
There is no passion for me anymore, no enthusiasm. Everything I used to enjoy has become a chore and every waking moment is a battle. I can't sleep, everything that is meant to be a break turns into a disaster. Visiting relatives snub me and go gallivanting with my brother instead, no one at work respects me enough to let me do my job in peace. I have eyes on no and voices chittering in the background like vultures waiting for me to make a mistake so they can go running off to the boss about it. I feel so unwanted that I want to make them hate me because even that would be easier. I'm meant to be getting somewhere with my life but nothing happens, every time there is the slightest window of hope it goes nowhere and I'm left sitting with a feeling of futility that refuses to die. I'm back in that place I am imprisoned every few years. Stuck in the same pattern with the only way out looking like assisted suicide via a bike and a truck somewhere out of town where no one knows my name. Not that anyone does outside of work and immediate family around here. I get up, I go to work, I go home and pray to be able to get some sleep for once all the while there is no one there. I effectively live alone, no one at work gives me the time of day and I'm the victim of blatant racism on a daily basis but if I give up I'll never get out of here to where I desperately want to be. I don't drink, I never have. I used to watch my parents get drunk almost daily and argue sometimes resorting to physical violence and it's left me with a distaste for it I've only recently overcome, and these days I almost constantly want to. I used to have a dream. I used to believe. I used to be able to see what Iwaku meant so clearly. I don't want to go out like this. I don't want it to end this way, but I do want it to end.
 
I feel... Tired. I feel as if I'm developing a numbness to what behaviors and words once hurt me so badly. It's so very familiar. This kind of thing started for me at a very young age so I could deal with my step-father's hatred without committing suicide. It's good because I feel less pain. It's bad because it proves to me that nobody cares enough about my feelings to change for me. I'm always the one who has the change. I'm always the one who has to keep suffering until that suffering turns me cold. I have to be strong all the time. All the damn time...

I'm forced to live with broken promises every. single. day. It damages me like no one can imagine. I can't expect people to be completely honest, I guess. Honesty doesn't come in the form of "I promise to do this in the most half-ass'd way possible" because of how bad that sounds. I wish people could be that specific, though. Or just don't make promises they can't keep. It's much easier to tell me you can't uphold your end of the deal, or be my sturdy support system, or be relied on for emergencies than it is to tell me you can and then don't. Is it really a wonder why I default to despising people the moment I meet them?

I'm just so sick of everyone... I'm sick of the fighting, I'm sick of the anger, I'm sick of the selfishness. It's stressing me so badly that I have insomnia.

Ugh, and shit like this:

"When will you visit next? We miss you." I miss you all too, but I don't have any fucking money. If you miss me that much, how about contributing to a travel fund for me like I suggested? Every bit helps. You could send me fifty bucks or ten bucks for all I care, your support and efforts all mean a lot to me. Otherwise, it could be a several more months until you see me again. I have other priorities, like um... You know, a baby.

"I know you want to visit your family, but eh... That's more of a vacation for you." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? First of all, it's not a vacation at all. It's not relaxing to visit my family. They want to meet their grandson/nephew, is that really worth complaining about? Second of all, I moved to this shithole town FOR YOU. I'd rather be living with my mom, even with the baby, than here in this terrible town that will soon have unbearable heat AND homes people I don't want my baby to be around. Above all, I'd like to just go someplace nice and simple for my little family to be. Are you thinking about THAT at all? I don't want to be living in your mom's home for that much longer. There's a nice apartment area that will base our rent off of income. Oh, but they aren't pet friendly, so that's out the window. Because your cunt dog (YES, I ACTUALLY SAID THE C-WORD, THE WORD I HATE THE MOST. THAT'S HOW MUCH I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE DOG! HE CAN LIVE WITH YOUR MUM UNTIL WE CAN GET A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE, IS THAT SO BAD?) is so much more important than a living space for us. Good fucking grief. Anyway, the least you could do is put up with a visit to Washington with me and your son without being a dick about it. I feel like I deserve that after all I've put up with in the past year. OH ALSO: Who said we were going on a vaykay? LOL I can't see us being able to afford that kind of fun anytime soon.

"You need to move away from there. It's bad for your allergies and you're unhappy." I FUCKING KNOOOWWW. MOM, IT'S NOT THAT EASY, OH MY GAWD. AGAIN, I DON'T HAVE MEANS TO JUST GET AWAY FROM STUPID ONTARIO. I NEED MONEY FOR THAT.

"You need to dust, you need to get rid of those cobwebs, you should get rid of those weapons, you should move those boxes, you need to do this differently, you have to do that or else blah blah blah." Mrs. Peter's Mom, I love you and I appreciate your wise advice, but... I KNOW. If I haven't done anything yet, it's because I haven't GOTTEN TO IT. If you hadn't noticed, I'm so pregnant that I can barely handle standing in the kitchen without getting dizzy and out of breath. >:[ I have to work at my own pace. Also, don't tell me and Peter what to do. It's our baby, we decide what's best for him, NOT YOU. If we need help, we'll fucking ask.

"Has the baby arrived yet? Are you having the baby? When's that baby coming? 8D" ... I'm getting so sick of those questions from our families. *pulls at her hair* We'll tell you all when something happens, good fucking grief. OBVIOUSLY HE'S GOING TO BE LATE. THAT TENDS TO HAPPEN.

*Weeps in a corner while chewing on bacon jerky for comfort* I'm just... I just...

...
 
Oh god no, no no no no! Why iseveryone tossing around the word "ulcers"? That's what I might have? That's what's been causing all of this? I don't want ulcers! I don't want this stuff! I've gone through enough! I've met and befriended enough doctors and nurses in my life to have a freaking army. I don't want to be sick again, please don't let this be serious. Please. Please. I'm scared and frightened and... I just want to go a year without having to visit the doctor for something. Hell, I'd be overjoyed ifI could go three years... Just... just please don't let this be serious... Haven't I gone through enough goddamned shit? Please... I'll go through the needles and tests and anything you want, just please, please, don't be serious...


I'm really fucking scared... Instead of hanging out with my boyfriend, I have to go to a hospital and have tests run... I don't like this, and I'm so goddamned chickenshit scared that I'm nearly about to cave in and ask my boyfriend to come along for moral support.

Can't the girl who has a goddamned fear of hospitals finally be allowed a life's reprieve? Please?... I've gone through coldsores in my throat (Second worst case in my city), a jaw surgery, and assorted sicknesses and physical problems.... Can I please just be normal now?

That's all I've ever wanted, just to be a fucking normal person and not have the medical bad luck that seems to follow me everywhere... That's all I've wanted since I was little.

Aaaaaand now I'm crying... great... perfect...
 
So, I decided yesterday I was going to pretend everything is okay. I think I mostly pulled it off. But on the flip side... It doesn't feel like everything is okay. And I'm still not quite sure what ISN'T okay. Just that I'm out of sorts and not getting enough cat love (or any kind of love).

I miss being an ice queen where things don't phase me.
 
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