It's 11pm and I should've gone to bed an hour a go but I can't sleep because I (a)stayed up all night and ruined my sleeping schedule this weekend, and (b)Am so nervous about tomorrow.
Tomorrow starts the last week of school, and we're fixing some circuit cards all by ourselves. I'm sure I'll pull through, but I'm getting all anxious anyway because I have the self-confidence of a rock. Throughout the entire class I've always been asking for help and I always have to refer to my ntoes and I can't recite anything from memory. for SOLDERING! SOLDERING! This is SIMPLE shit. -headdesk-
Now, not only do we have to do the entire thing by ourselves, but if we fuck it up we can't just start over like in the past. No, we have to figure out how we're actually going to salvage our fuckup and fix it, and that worries me the most because I know I'm going to fuck up at least once.
To make matters worse, it's all week. They say the class typically is done by wednesday but knowing me I'll still be working on shit right down to the second on friday, hoping to god I pass. Fuck me.
And if I don't get it? If I don't get my certification? Bye bye Japan. Which, most of you probably don't know, I'm going to August 10.
SPEAKING OF JAPAN.
I have a bunch of shit that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't want to bring two seabags and a garment bag to Japan. I'd like to only have one seabag and a garment bag. All I have are uniforms and some books and like 3 days worth of civilian clothes. WHY DOES THIS TAKE UP SO MUCH SPACE? I feel like I have enough shit to fill a house when I know I don't. So I'm trying to get rid of more stuff but I just can't seem to part with anything that actually takes up a lot of space. Auuugh.
On august 6, I'm supposed to camping with this person, who is female, but is confused if they're an androgyne or FtM. I'm not sure what to call them either right now. She likes me. I am kind of interested in her but because of the whole Japan thing I don't want to get into a relationship. But STILL, my brain keeps thinking "Oh hay sexual stuff" and I'm like "But they wouldn't like that" but my brain is "OHAY SEXUAL STUFF."
I tried to breach the subject with them, like, since we're staying in the same tent and everything. But when I was alluding to the "permission" of doing sexual things, they were totally ignorant so I just dropped it thinking it was better that way.
I hope I don't do something stupid when I'm with them. ._.
I am known for doing stupid sexual shit.
Then I come back on the 9th, and have to pack all my shit up and get ready to go to Japan early on the 10th. Then, oh it gets worse. I have 17 hours IN THE AIR, I didn't even BOTHER adding up how long I'll be going through airports and be stuck on the ground. I have three flights I need to be on, and I'm not getting to Japan until August 11th at 10PM. -headdesks-
EVEN WORSE, we're being deployed "soon after" I get there. How soon? RIght when I get there? A couple days? A week, maybe?
"I can't discuss that over email." So not only am I going to be super anxious about going to a new place, and suffering from jet lag, and fearing my skills as a solder tech (and questioning my sanity) and extremely nervous over living on a ship, but I get to not even really settle down or enjoy Japan before I get swifted of to some foreign classified area where the marines are going to do classified things.
To top it all off I have an ingrown toenail that hurts like a bitch, but I'm too afraid to address it here since it may prevent me from going to Japan, and I'm too afraid to immediately address it once I get to Japan because I don't want to look like I was purposefully hiding it. And oh, I also need new glasses.
-cries like a baby-