Mass Effect: Defiance

[Artorias]

Sorry if the CS seems a bit rushed, I have work in 30 minutes and I love Drell @.@​

 

[Dervish]

Character sheet review time! Prepare your anuses.

If you haven't got your sheet done yet, no worries! This is more of the early warning detection system that keeps you all safe from SAM sites.

Esther Émile by Vansalon

We chatted already about the timeline stuff already and how it's kind of spotty with some of the particulars about the Ascension Project, Pragia, the starship reactor meltdown that exposed the kids in utero to element zero, and so on so forth. That all should be A okay, and you've put in a lot of effort to trying to get all of that lined up right, so kudos. Just to clarify, Esther was 11 when she was taken to Paris for training? Would she have memories/ speech patterns from the colony she was raised in? Also, what exactly happened to her parents? It's not exactly clear. Do they know what happened to her? If they're alive, wouldn't the Alliance have tried to reunite them? It just seems like she was shipped right off to Earth after being rescued. I have no problem with her being sent to Paris and what not for extra training, I'd just like some clarification.

A quick point about the CO/ XO relationship, the XO position would most likely go to the next highest ranking position on the ship, or a replacement would be sent by the Alliance after it was requisitioned. The main issue with her being a Sergeant and being appointed to a command position like that is that there'd be people on the ship who would outrank her, and if anything happened to Adamson which forced her to assume command, she's still an NCO in command of a naval ship, which pretty much never, ever happens unless basically everybody above her was killed in action. Being a Marine, she probably hasn't been trained in the finer points of commanding a ship and the theories behind interstellar operations and space battles. What would probably make more sense in this case is if she were a commissioned officer in the navy instead of the marines if you wanted to keep this part of her backstory. It's kind of a minor thing, in my opinion, since basically she gets appointed XO, Adamson's still the one calling the shots and goes on operations against the rogue AI, and then he retires and Esther goes into reserve duty without actually having to command the ship herself. She can have an excellent working relationship with Adamson, who probably would be pretty close to one of his senior NCOs, especially on a tight ship, without having to have been appointed to a position of responsibility that's probably way outside her scope and responsibility. Putting it this way, imagine if a US marine infantry sergeant was told that it was up to him to command the bridge of a destroyer when the captain was unavailable. It's kind of two different worlds, y'know?

I find it interesting how you did what I did with one of my characters where after being diagnosed with PTSD, she was bounced around a few support units before ultimately retiring. Not a critique, but I always take interest when somebody comes up with something that reminds me of my own characters. :D

Just checking, was she assigned to a unit that's based out of the Citadel primarily? It's just a mighty coincidence that she'd happen to be on station during two major attacks on the Citadel.

The personality section there's going to be really neat to see how you portray that in game and how it'll effect her judgement and what not! That's fantastic. I also really want to know what her beef is with the asari.

Overall, pretty good! The stuff I noted is pretty easy to tidy up and square away, it just was worth mentioning. Also, I didn't get the Gillian vibes from her, so you're good! And I have the 3 first novels that aren't the abortions that William Dietz likes to pop out whenever he's bafflingly commissioned to write a novel.

And agreed with the biotics thing; it's very taxing and few people are going to be able to poop out attack after attack without feeling it. Not saying it isn't possible, but it does appear to be a lot more intensive for your average biotic than the games would have you believe.
Great start so far!

Druslius Sulidonis by Rare

Right off the bat, please, for the love of god and all things holy, PLEASE make the font bigger. It seriously is bugging my eyes out for the first few paragraphs. If you gotta use a different font, please consider how it looks after the fact. I had to copy and paste it into Word to read it without eye strain.

Also, first paragraph has a hilarious typo, you typed it as the Brogan Rebellions, which is kind of like Brosedian of the Brocean levels of surfer dude. Also, the following sentence is kind of confusing:

"Either known it stabled the krogans forever, Druslius hated most things about the turian military's history."

I'm not sure what you're trying to say, exactly. Either is kind of used like a name in this sentence, and there's nothing to compare it to. Krogan is also the same singular or plural, so no need to write it as a krogans.

An important thing to note about turian culture is conscription into civil service (usually military, but there are other options) on their 15th birthday, no exceptions. It could be the Primarch's son, or a priest's, or any other important figure in turian culture and they have to enlist. Also, you don't just start training as a sniper or any other specialized trade, you have to work towards it. Basically, you'd go through basic training to something more specialized towards your career path (infantry training or logistics, for instance), and then it further specializes after that. Take it from me, just go become an armoured crewmember for the regiment I was in, it took six months of training, and it would have been another 3 months on top of that to get my armoured reconnaissance course in which would have made me a full member of the regiment. It also depends on the skills of the soldier, but usually to go to more specialized courses a soldier has to show an aptitude towards it. They aren't, for instance, going to send a soldier in the bottom 1/3rd of his course to an advanced training course like sniper school or leadership training, they'd make sure he was one of the better ones who scored well in skills they look for to recommend for the training. I imagine the turians operate in a similar manner; they're utmost professionals and their whole society goes off of citizenship tiers, and their military operates in a similar manner. They won't move somebody up until they think he's ready for it. The long and short of it is, make it so he's been in the military a while and scored excellently on marksmanship scores before being sent off to sniper training. It's not one of those things that's just the individual's choice, it's what the regiment thinks the soldier would be adept at. Usually snipers have been in the military long enough to achieve a junior NCO rank like Corporal before they even get sent off to earn their certification.

Another big thing is that if the turian military was at war, absolutely everyone in the military would be briefed on the situation almost immediately in case they need to be deployed on a pinch. It's likely that Druslius would have been being prepared for deployment to Shanxi when the truce was brokered. Turians in particular don't half-ass it when it comes to military deployments; they believe in total war and throwing as much overwhelming force at an enemy until it's annihilated. Given how the first encounter with the rachni led to one of the most devastating wars in history and how the turians were introduced to the galactic community by volunteering to help end the krogan rebellions, you can bet they were taking humanity very seriously. Way before the First Contact War ended, you can bet Druslius would have known all about the humans and their daring counter attack that actually defeated the turians in a decisive battle. That alone would have brought down the might of the turian empire upon the Alliance.

I also don't see how studying history would help one get promoted. It helps for his own personal development and understanding of his enemy, but it's not like actively training against their known tactics. It's kind of like how reading 1800s British colonial occupations of Afghanistan wouldn't have done much to prepare the ISAF for the Taliban and Al Qaeda's tactics. It might help you understand their culture a bit better, but it won't help you actively fight your enemy.

By the time he was 42, he'd probably have long been senior Warrant Officer rank or been given a commission because that is a seriously long period of time. Turian conscription ends at 30, where they can elect to go into the reserves. I really can't overstate that if it took 27 years for him to hit an NCO rank (which can be anywhere from Corporal to Chief Warrant Officer, which is like going from Lieutenant to Colonel), he's had some serious issues and probably would have been dismissed from service after his conscription period was over. I know that's not what you're going for, but yeah, it really would do good to understand how military ranks work and that turians have comparable lifespans as humans.

Also, he kind of went from "I'm a dedicated and accomplished soldier" to "I fucking hate living in turian society" in the span of a sentence. There's also a lot of other jobs he could have pursued to still use his military training; C-Sec, for starters, is largely ex-turian military, or he could have joined a security contractor or something like that. You might want to kind of expand on why he decided to bugger off to lawless space and become a mercenary, because that's kind of like a marine veteran retiring just to move to Mexico to join a drug cartel. It also kind of assumes he had nothing worth sticking around for, like family, friends, interests, and so forth. It's not a problem, it's just it should really be explained. It's also kind of a huge leap for him to suddenly have the resources and influence to start a mercenary company, as well as the knowhow to run one successfully without a bit of experience. Granted, if he operated it in a similar manner to his military training and protocols, he'd have a solid foundation for being a private military contractor, but going from a tightly secure and stable military life to knowing how to navigate the Terminus System without a hitch is kind of a stretch. Also, if his outfit is just a start up and earned the ire of the Blood Pack, who probably wouldn't just declare war on them for no reason; it doesn't speak well for them if they're one of the 3 most powerful outfits in the Terminus System and they feel like they need to defend their interests against a start-up outfit with little influence. Unless they deliberately provoked them, I can't see them being harassed by the Blood Pack just for having the audacity of existing.

I'm not really sure if the whole Prothean Artifact bit was really necessary because it was such a brief mention that really amounted to nothing since Druslius and everyone else seemed to give up on it.

"From the next five, they kept it at a low level even when the Battle of the Citadel was going on. Until the reapers attacked Earth, everyone wasn't ready to hear that Earth was under attack. While the reports were coming from Earth, Palaven was hit by them as the day ended in New York City."

This really reads weird. Did you mean to say, "For the next five years, they kept a low profile even after the Battle of the Citadel occurred. No one was prepared for when the Reapers attacked Earth, and Palaven was invaded just as the reports of Earth came in." or something similar? Also, we don't really have a timeline for when each city was invaded compared to turian space, so let's not speculate in case something official is discovered. Also, why would the Red Phoenix outfit have a decline of business during a galactic war? People would want protection, so it really wouldn't be hard to find work in the climate the Reapers caused. You should probably also make note that Omega at some point was occupied by Cerberus, so that would have a huge effect on the company.

Also, the Talent section is actually involving game-related skills. Stuff like what you wrote would be better off in the "Other" category.

It's a decent start, but there definitely needs to be some serious readjustments before I accept the sheet. Plus, I really want to make it clear that off the start you aren't going to have NPCs at your disposal.

Forsan Jaakbal by Dervish

Utter perfection. Nothing needs to be changed because it's goddamn platinum stuff.

On a serious note, I'm not critiquing my own sheet. If somebody has any comments or critiques, feel free to let me know! Feedback is good stuff.

Kirraiah Theyn by Grif

Here be Formatting.

Since there's nothing submitted save for the equipment and skill sections, I will just point out that the M-11 and the Locust aren't starter weapons, given how uncommon to rare they are. Kirraiah's going to have to find them out in the field or obtain them another way in-game.

Egon Kesharr by Pellegrino

His childhood section is good stuff. I'm not sure if it's common among the hanar or if it was just in Thane's case, but in the Foundation comics he had to kill his first man when he was 12 and it looked like a training situation to make sure he was ready before being sent off by his master to complete a real job. Like I said, I'm not sure if that's a common practice or if it was unique to Thane's case, but it's good to be aware that it's a thing. It's also worth noting that in Thane's training, failure to perform could have been fatal, so the training for an assassin might be a lot harsher than Egon experienced. It's also pretty much his entire life; it's all he's taught, and it's all he knows. Egon, I'm almost certain, would basically be taught nothing but how to be a good assassin, not just a trained killer to call upon when needed. It's a severe lifestyle that doesn't leave room for doubt or conflicting emotions.

What relation does the uncle have with Egon's hanar master? And you should probably have this hanar named; the Compact usually applies to one hanar and a pupil of his or her choosing. It's not between a drell and hanar society as a whole, which I'm not sure if there was some confusion with that or if I was reading it wrong. I don't really have a problem with Egon working with Kira, but unless he was released from his Compact, he'd be working entirely on the behalf of his master. Also, when Kira was abducted/ killed by the Collectors, why was he on a human colony? He should also have been sent to Nevos by his master, or released from his Compact at this point. Once again, there's not a lot of room for personal agency in an assassin's kind of life.

Good start, so far!

Corey Gerrad by FrenziedAce

Bonus points for being from Terra Nova! My main ME character's a Terra Nova colonist, too. ;D

A quick note, I assume by the planet you referenced as Corey's first combat experience was Terra Nova, I'd like to point out that Terra Nova was never actually attacked by batarian raiders; they'd just taken the asteroid that was being commissioned as a satellite and planned to use it as a weapon. Other than the Normandy's crew, no Alliance personnel fought the batarians at Terra Nova. You might want to have him stationed on Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz or on Mindoir during the liberation for that to work out nicely.

Also, could you clarify when he fought the geth? The only place that the Alliance would have fought the geth before the Battle of the Citadel was Eden Prime, since their efforts were mostly supporting Saren's operations you saw in the game, where there really wasn't an Alliance presence for most of it. After the Battle of the Citadel, Alliance ran geth clean up ops on various planets around the Traverse, but until then there were only two feasible instances of fighting the geth, and one left pretty much the entire Eden Prime garrison decimated, and Corey doesn't sound like he joined the colonial defense garrison, which would mean he'd never leave theplanet in his duties. Just tidy up and clarify when he fought the geth to make it fit the timeline a bit and everything's honky doory.

Not necessary, but it would kind of be nice to know where he was deployed when the Reapers did attack.

"Despite this, he does not enjoy war, he despises it, but realizes it's the only chance they have, even if many say they are fighting a losing war."

I just wanted to point out that a desire to kill the Reapers does not equate to enjoying the war. Nowhere did it indicate it was an experience he thought was positive. :P

Overall, pretty enjoyable read! Just make sure that the timelines and places he was deployed match up to what you wrote down as his experiences.

Thanik Suin by Edge

You may wish to give the hanar a name (face name's fine), since he's important to your character's history. It's also worth noting that almost all drell are offered a chance to serve the Compact with a hanar master, so his father had to have known it was coming. They're able to refuse, but it's considered a huge honour, so while he'd be understandably terrified to lose his son, he'd definitely have to balance it against the knowledge that almost every drell family gives their children to the Compact. The wording is tricky, but just in case, the Compact is between a drell and a master, not to freely give the drell to the entire society, unless the master decides that his pupil would be best in a wide-serving capacity. They're still acting on behalf of a single master's instruction.

It's also arguable that if he's already been sent out to kill targets on behalf of his hanar master, he's already an assassin and no longer in training. It's kind of like how a soldier deployed to war isn't a recruit; you have to go through training first. He may be inexperienced past a few contracts, but he's definitely acting the role of an assassin. Also, he probably wouldn't have a hugely difficult time leaving his Compact for going off to war; the hanar aren't oppressive dicks and the Compact is still a voluntary service. He might be opposed to the idea, but given what's at stake, I can't imagine his master would ever say "Hell no. You're mine. Go do some more crunches, you whiny shit." (in hanar-ese, of course, which would be infuriatingly polite).

Also, "the military" is a very, very vague term. What military? And he'd never be allowed to enlist in another species' military, although he can be attached onto a unit as a lesion, kind of like how the Normandy's filled with aliens. It would be pretty easy to hook on with a mercenary group, especially one that took losses, however.

I'd also like to point out that since his training would be very severe, he'd probably have been raised eating nothing but healthy, nutritious stuff, and the more active you are, the less you crave junk food and want nutritious stuff. If you kind of want to see this for yourself, dedicated a couple weeks to regular exercise and drink mainly water and eat lots of produce and meat and other homemade stuff, your body will start reflexively wanting the good stuff because it's good fuel. You also might notice that it gets harder to drink soft drinks and eat, say, an entire bag of potato chips in a single sitting without feeling bloated and kind of gross. Just pointing this out because if you have a super fit assassin, he's going to be reaching for the grapes over the Doritos.

Not bad for half an hour's worth of work! I don't know if you plan on editing or adding more, but it's serviceable for now.

Overall, good stuff everyone! I know it looks like a lot of nitpicking, but there's honestly nothing here that I wouldn't gladly accept with a bit of tidying up and shoring up inconsistencies or leaps in logic. I'm just the kind of guy who likes to explain why I think something needs to be addressed instead of just bluntly stating it's not right and leaving it at that. That's just douchey.

Hope it all helps!

 

[Artorias]

Yeah. I bum rushed mine and I have been hashing out more details while Im here at work. Most of the things you addressed I planned on fixing and I used the wrong...term. Thanik is an Assassin, but I meant that he is more inexperienced than others because of his age. He has only been out on the field for about 6-7 years while a lot of other Drell have been out much longer than that.

About hating to eat healthy. He does eat healthy, and I chose my wording poorly. He loves to taste of sweets, despite his constant eating of healthy food and he hates how bland it tastes.

Other than that, I plan on fixing him when I get home tonight.

 

[lostfaith]

We chatted already about the timeline stuff already and how it's kind of spotty with some of the particulars about the Ascension Project, Pragia, the starship reactor meltdown that exposed the kids in utero to element zero, and so on so forth. That all should be A okay, and you've put in a lot of effort to trying to get all of that lined up right, so kudos. Just to clarify, Esther was 11 when she was taken to Paris for training? Would she have memories/ speech patterns from the colony she was raised in? Also, what exactly happened to her parents? It's not exactly clear. Do they know what happened to her? If they're alive, wouldn't the Alliance have tried to reunite them? It just seems like she was shipped right off to Earth after being rescued. I have no problem with her being sent to Paris and what not for extra training, I'd just like some clarification.

Yeah, eleven going on twelve.
The situation regarding the implant has muddled her memory, so Paris is the first civilized area she remembers (that she spent any significant amount of time in), meaning that most of her mannerisms and the like (including her accent) were picked up there.
The colony was in the Terminus Systems (Incandescence purposely operated far from their own headquarters) so the Alliance didn't have any accurate records to cross reference Esther with to determine who her parents were, and she didn't remember enough to give them any pointers either, so she doesn't actually know who they are (incidentally, she chose her surname herself during her time in Paris, since she could only remember her first name).
She essentially was shipped off to Earth just after being rescued because they didn't know where else to send her and the Alliance obsesses over Biotics and does everything it can to recruit them. They were the first friendly individuals she could clearly remember, so she went through with joining the military after graduation.

A quick point about the CO/ XO relationship, the XO position would most likely go to the next highest ranking position on the ship, or a replacement would be sent by the Alliance after it was requisitioned. The main issue with her being a Sergeant and being appointed to a command position like that is that there'd be people on the ship who would outrank her, and if anything happened to Adamson which forced her to assume command, she's still an NCO in command of a naval ship, which pretty much never, ever happens unless basically everybody above her was killed in action. Being a Marine, she probably hasn't been trained in the finer points of commanding a ship and the theories behind interstellar operations and space battles. What would probably make more sense in this case is if she were a commissioned officer in the navy instead of the marines if you wanted to keep this part of her backstory. It's kind of a minor thing, in my opinion, since basically she gets appointed XO, Adamson's still the one calling the shots and goes on operations against the rogue AI, and then he retires and Esther goes into reserve duty without actually having to command the ship herself. She can have an excellent working relationship with Adamson, who probably would be pretty close to one of his senior NCOs, especially on a tight ship, without having to have been appointed to a position of responsibility that's probably way outside her scope and responsibility. Putting it this way, imagine if a US marine infantry sergeant was told that it was up to him to command the bridge of a destroyer when the captain was unavailable. It's kind of two different worlds, y'know?

Military ranks @.@
Got it, will change this as per your recommendation.

Just checking, was she assigned to a unit that's based out of the Citadel primarily? It's just a mighty coincidence that she'd happen to be on station during two major attacks on the Citadel.

After returning to active duty, yes. She was originally assigned there because it would be an easier post and they were still unsure if her combat ability would be affected, even if her therapist had said it was fine. Of course, with events happening how they did, it certainly wasn't an easier post.

The personality section there's going to be really neat to see how you portray that in game and how it'll effect her judgement and what not! That's fantastic. I also really want to know what her beef is with the asari.

Since this is from a short story, I already have some experience writing a synaesthete, so I should be able to pull this off.
Also, her beef with asari is because they're a blatant mary sue race and I hate them.
I MEAN
You'll have to find out through roleplaying!

Overall, pretty good! The stuff I noted is pretty easy to tidy up and square away, it just was worth mentioning. Also, I didn't get the Gillian vibes from her, so you're good! And I have the 3 first novels that aren't the abortions that William Dietz likes to pop out whenever he's bafflingly commissioned to write a novel.

The thing that makes me saddest about the novels is that Kai Leng was a legitimately cool antagonist in Retribution until Deception and ME3 ruined him. Rest in peace, not-Gary-Stu-Kai-Leng.


I'll amend the profile itself to add this stuff in a few minutes.

 

[Artorias]

​

[spoili][/spoili]​

[spoili]

​

[/spoili]

Name: Thanik Suin

Species: Drell

Sex: Male

Age: 19

Class: Infiltrator

Military Occupation: Assassin

Background: Thanik and his Father, Yatu, grew up without a mother. She died giving birth to Thanik and Yatu was devastated by the death of his wife. Life was tough for young Thanik and Yatu, barely able to make ends meet to live until one day a blessing and a curse came to Yatu. A Hanar Master, face name was Opald. Opald offered Yatu the choice of the Compact and while Yatu was greatly honored to be given this chance to give his son, Thanik, a better life. He couldn't help but be torn apart by giving up his only child. Yatu had no one else in his life to care for, and Opald gave him the choice of visiting Thanik from time to time. Eventually, after hours of debate, Yatu agreed to the Compact and gave Thanik up as a young child. Thanik didn't object, even though he was extremely young.

Training was tough even at the young age of 7 years old. Thanik felt like he was going to die every day, the food he ate was so bland and boring but nutritious. The training crafted his body at a young age and his body burned. Every fiber and muscle craving for a day of relaxation, but none was given. His life was dull up to this point, nothing but training. Even his first mission wasn't that tough.

At the age of 17, he was sent to Omega to kill a small Krogan Crime Lord. Why Omega? Why didn't the larger gangs deal with this small threat? Because Opald wanted to see how Thanik could perform in a hostile area. Omega was hostile to all, no safe places for anyone and he would have to use his wits to stay alive. Krogan's were as tough as Thanik heard, the mission almost ended in Thanik's death. They young Drell was given little information and a pistol, with as much training he has had for the past ten years. He was ready for this fight. He followed the Crime Lord, watching him walk the deathly streets of Omega and slowly picked his guards off one by one. By the time the Krogan, Zhu'kha, noticed it. They were all dead and it left just him. The kill was rather quick and painless on the Krogan's part, it did't last very long afterwards and the details are vivid in Thanik's mind. Maybe one day he will relive them.

Two years after, he wasn't tasked with anything as hard, so not much to mention in this portion of his life besides the older he grew. The less he saw of Yatu, like he was abandoned by his own Father. The Reapers showed up and began to reap havoc throughout the Galaxy and Thanik couldn't just sit by and do nothing. With much regret and contemplation, he broke the Compact with Opald to leave Kahje and join a Mercenary band called the 'Cobalt Stars'. The band took many casualties and was hiring anyone that could handle a gun, but his time with this Mercenary Group was short lived as they sustained to many losses.

His whereabouts are now (wherever he is in the RP)

Personality: Thanik is young and has been sheltered from all races and interaction with living beings. He is shy at first, and the first one to really make an attempt of getting to know him, he may cling to them like glue (not literally, just emotional) He is extremely naive of the Galaxy and even more naive when it comes to how it affects others when he kills. He was taught that killing someone he was ordered to, had no affect on his emotions. They were 'bad people' or so he was told and was told that he was doing the Galaxy a favor. He has never had to fight or kill someone he knows, or another Drell.

Equipment: M-6 Carfinex Heavy Pistol, M-97 Viper, Light Armor, Omni-Blade

Powers: Disruptor Ammo, Incinerate, Tactical Cloak, Operational Mastery, Fitness

Talents: Hand-to-Hand, Pistols, Sniper Rifles, Espionage, Agility

Other: Enjoys Music - The first time Thanik heard the soothing beat of modern music, it calmed his blood and made him relaxed. It had a different effect on him than most, as others would get pumped up into a frenzy because of the music.

Enjoys the Quiet - Thanik grew up to appreciate the silence and the darkness. Not so much the darkness. So it is more of a habit to be in a silent environment than it is a busy one.

Sweets - Thanik is constantly eating healthy food, keeping his body in top Drell condition. However, he has tried the delicious taste of sweets and just loves the taste to death. He will (not literally) do anything for some sweets from time to time.

 

[FrenziedAce]

Corey Gerrad by FrenziedAce

Bonus points for being from Terra Nova! My main ME character's a Terra Nova colonist, too. ;D

A quick note, I assume by the planet you referenced as Corey's first combat experience was Terra Nova, I'd like to point out that Terra Nova was never actually attacked by batarian raiders; they'd just taken the asteroid that was being commissioned as a satellite and planned to use it as a weapon. Other than the Normandy's crew, no Alliance personnel fought the batarians at Terra Nova. You might want to have him stationed on Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz or on Mindoir during the liberation for that to work out nicely.

Also, could you clarify when he fought the geth? The only place that the Alliance would have fought the geth before the Battle of the Citadel was Eden Prime, since their efforts were mostly supporting Saren's operations you saw in the game, where there really wasn't an Alliance presence for most of it. After the Battle of the Citadel, Alliance ran geth clean up ops on various planets around the Traverse, but until then there were only two feasible instances of fighting the geth, and one left pretty much the entire Eden Prime garrison decimated, and Corey doesn't sound like he joined the colonial defense garrison, which would mean he'd never leave theplanet in his duties. Just tidy up and clarify when he fought the geth to make it fit the timeline a bit and everything's honky doory.

Not necessary, but it would kind of be nice to know where he was deployed when the Reapers did attack.

"Despite this, he does not enjoy war, he despises it, but realizes it's the only chance they have, even if many say they are fighting a losing war."

I just wanted to point out that a desire to kill the Reapers does not equate to enjoying the war. Nowhere did it indicate it was an experience he thought was positive. :P

Overall, pretty enjoyable read! Just make sure that the timelines and places he was deployed match up to what you wrote down as his experiences.

I fixed it up. I changed it so that he encountered the Geth as a part of Alliance cleanup patrols going after the scattered remnants shortly after the Citadel attack. Also had his previous deployment on the planet, Tyr, a human colony.

 

[Poeta Perdido]

@Dervish

History is edited. Egon is more a product of his familial past and is better tied to his Uncle in this rendition. It's a bit meatier, but I think it fills the gaps you mentioned.

 

[Dervish]

Yeah, eleven going on twelve.
The situation regarding the implant has muddled her memory, so Paris is the first civilized area she remembers (that she spent any significant amount of time in), meaning that most of her mannerisms and the like (including her accent) were picked up there.
The colony was in the Terminus Systems (Incandescence purposely operated far from their own headquarters) so the Alliance didn't have any accurate records to cross reference Esther with to determine who her parents were, and she didn't remember enough to give them any pointers either, so she doesn't actually know who they are (incidentally, she chose her surname herself during her time in Paris, since she could only remember her first name).
She essentially was shipped off to Earth just after being rescued because they didn't know where else to send her and the Alliance obsesses over Biotics and does everything it can to recruit them. They were the first friendly individuals she could clearly remember, so she went through with joining the military after graduation.



Military ranks @.@
Got it, will change this as per your recommendation.


After returning to active duty, yes. She was originally assigned there because it would be an easier post and they were still unsure if her combat ability would be affected, even if her therapist had said it was fine. Of course, with events happening how they did, it certainly wasn't an easier post.



Since this is from a short story, I already have some experience writing a synaesthete, so I should be able to pull this off.
Also, her beef with asari is because they're a blatant mary sue race and I hate them.
I MEAN
You'll have to find out through roleplaying!



The thing that makes me saddest about the novels is that Kai Leng was a legitimately cool antagonist in Retribution until Deception and ME3 ruined him. Rest in peace, not-Gary-Stu-Kai-Leng.


I'll amend the profile itself to add this stuff in a few minutes.

Looks good! Everything looks to be in order now. And I hear you about Kai Leng; he was actually pretty interesting in the novels, then he turned into the obnoxious plot armour protected and arrogant bragart. The end of Thessia was particularly annoying because the stupid asshole didn't even land a hit on me and yet defeating him means you get to watch as Shepard is tossed around and easily dispatched by douchebag mcgroinface.

​

[spoili][/spoili]​

[spoili]

​

[/spoili]

Name: Thanik Suin

Species: Drell

Sex: Male

Age: 19

Class: Infiltrator

Military Occupation: Assassin

Background: Thanik and his Father, Yatu, grew up without a mother. She died giving birth to Thanik and Yatu was devastated by the death of his wife. Life was tough for young Thanik and Yatu, barely able to make ends meet to live until one day a blessing and a curse came to Yatu. A Hanar Master, face name was Opald. Opald offered Yatu the choice of the Compact and while Yatu was greatly honored to be given this chance to give his son, Thanik, a better life. He couldn't help but be torn apart by giving up his only child. Yatu had no one else in his life to care for, and Opald gave him the choice of visiting Thanik from time to time. Eventually, after hours of debate, Yatu agreed to the Compact and gave Thanik up as a young child. Thanik didn't object, even though he was extremely young.

Training was tough even at the young age of 7 years old. Thanik felt like he was going to die every day, the food he ate was so bland and boring but nutritious. The training crafted his body at a young age and his body burned. Every fiber and muscle craving for a day of relaxation, but none was given. His life was dull up to this point, nothing but training.

At the age of 12, close to 13 years old he was sent to Omega to kill a small Krogan Crime Lord. Why Omega? Why didn't the larger gangs deal with this small threat? Because Opald wanted to see how Thanik could perform in a hostile area. Omega was hostile to all, no safe places for anyone and he would have to use his wits to stay alive. Krogan's were as tough as Thanik heard, the mission almost ended in Thanik's death. The boy was dropped off on Omega with nothing more than a pistol and some small information on his whereabouts and told a great assassin could do whatever they put their mind to. The pistol did next to nothing to the Krogan and the Krogan (Named Zhu'lakar) wanted to have fun with the "child". He mocked the idiots that would send a child to come kill him. Zhu could pack a punch and after one hit, Thanik felt like he was hit by a freighter. After that hit, Thanik was more 'running for his life' than actually fighting until the opportunity presented itself. A sharp, knife like object lay on the dirty grounds of Omega. Thanik took this opportunity and grabbed it, circling around the Krogan once more for a few minutes before gaining the chance to leap onto his back. Zhu'lakar fought to throw the Drell from his back, but Thanik lodged the sharp object into the one weakness of a Krogan. It is a spot near the frontal plate, and ripped it off. The soft spot on the Krogan's head was soon stabbed with the knife and thus Thanik performed his first kill.

Years after that, he wasn't tasked with anything as hard, so not much to mention in this portion of his life besides the older he grew. The less he saw of Yatu, like he was abandoned by his own Father. The Reapers showed up and began to reap havoc throughout the Galaxy and Thanik couldn't just sit by and do nothing. With much regret and contemplation, he broke the Compact with Opald to leave Kahje and join a Mercenary band called the 'Cobalt Stars'. The band took many casualties and was hiring anyone that could handle a gun, but his time with this Mercenary Group was short lived as they sustained to many losses.

His whereabouts are now (wherever he is in the RP)

Personality: Thanik is young and has been sheltered from all races and interaction with living beings. He is shy at first, and the first one to really make an attempt of getting to know him, he may cling to them like glue (not literally, just emotional) He is extremely naive of the Galaxy and even more naive when it comes to how it affects others when he kills. He was taught that killing someone he was ordered to, had no affect on his emotions. They were 'bad people' or so he was told and was told that he was doing the Galaxy a favor. He has never had to fight or kill someone he knows, or another Drell.

Equipment: M-6 Carfinex Heavy Pistol, M-97 Viper, Light Armor, Omni-Blade

Powers: Disruptor Ammo, Incinerate, Tactical Cloak, Operational Mastery, Fitness

Talents: Hand-to-Hand, Pistols, Sniper Rifles, Espionage, Agility

Other: Enjoys Music - The first time Thanik heard the soothing beat of modern music, it calmed his blood and made him relaxed. It had a different effect on him than most, as others would get pumped up into a frenzy because of the music.

Enjoys the Quiet - Thanik grew up to appreciate the silence and the darkness. Not so much the darkness. So it is more of a habit to be in a silent environment than it is a busy one.

Sweets - Thanik is constantly eating healthy food, keeping his body in top Drell condition. However, he has tried the delicious taste of sweets and just loves the taste to death. He will (not literally) do anything for some sweets from time to time.

Other than the utter dick move of sending a kid after a krogan crime boss, which is kind of a bit of a stretch even for an assassin, everything looks pretty good. The fight scene there with the krogan kind of sits weird with me for a couple reasons, mainly due to the fact he was sent in unprepared and expected to kill someone who's got decades, if not centuries, of combat experience over him and doubtless some pretty good weaponry and armour. Plus, the only way you're feasibly getting onto a krogan's back to attempt that knife trick is by surprise, because if you're fighting him head to head, you're not going to be running laps around him to get to his exposed back like Bowser in Mario 64. It would make a lot more sense for him to be sent to demonstrate his resourcefulness, such as obtaining a proper weapon to kill his target while surviving Omega's hostile streets. I could see him taking down the krogan hand to hand when he's older, stronger, and more experienced (mainly by targeting pressure points to create the opening), but out of the gate as a test is begging to get the kid killed needlessly. Hell, even Thane's personal notes suggests the best way to take down a krogan is with lots and lots of explosives.

Other than that, though, your changes are fantastic!

I fixed it up. I changed it so that he encountered the Geth as a part of Alliance cleanup patrols going after the scattered remnants shortly after the Citadel attack. Also had his previous deployment on the planet, Tyr, a human colony.

Sounds good! It is appreciated. :)

@Dervish

History is edited. Egon is more a product of his familial past and is better tied to his Uncle in this rendition. It's a bit meatier, but I think it fills the gaps you mentioned.

I like it! Although, you should give the hanar a name, because if there ever comes a point where your character has to make reference to him or contact him, it'll be good to have it handy.

Alright! Thanks, everybody! I'll be adding people to the accepted section soon and when we'll give everyone else a chance to catch up. Hopefully, we'll have the game started on Wednesday.

 

[Artorias]

Alright, that makes sense. In my head the Krogan was pretty young and, blah blah. I can change it when I get off work though ^^

 

[Artorias]

I edited it, sorry if it seems a little spotty. I'm so tired and at the same time I can't sleep @.@

 

[Dervish]

I edited it, sorry if it seems a little spotty. I'm so tired and at the same time I can't sleep @.@

Looks fine! Much more befitting of your character!

I'm getting to work on my intro tonight, I'm going to be working people into the accepted section, and I do need to check up on Grif's sheet because he's apparently updated. :D

 

[Rare]

Alright! Thanks, everybody! I'll be adding people to the accepted section soon and when we'll give everyone else a chance to catch up. Hopefully, we'll have the game started on Wednesday.

I got bad news from you, Dervish...

My finals are on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Two classes from the day, two hours to complete the final. Don't ask me how this works but It does and I am currently studying and limiting my time on the web until Christmas Week or least until I can take a break.

I still have a lot of work to do on my character and I will try my best to finish them by Wednesday night; but, don't get your hopes up.

 

[Artorias]

Danke

 

[Dervish]

I got bad news from you, Dervish...

My finals are on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Two classes from the day, two hours to complete the final. Don't ask me how this works but It does and I am currently studying and limiting my time on the web until Christmas Week or least until I can take a break.

I still have a lot of work to do on my character and I will try my best to finish them by Wednesday night; but, don't get your hopes up.

No rush, my friend! The format of this game will make it really easy to introduce characters well after the start time. Think of it like meeting squad mates in the game. ;D

 

[Dervish]

Alright! Just gotta review Grif's sheet, and Gowi and Rare need to revise their sheets, but tomorrow is still the planned start day.

 

[Grif ♥]

Alright! Just gotta review Grif's sheet

God, hurry up.

iluDervish ♥

 

[Dervish]

Alrighty guys! A few more hours to go before the first opening post.

Grif, I read your sheet over quickly and everything looks pretty darn good. I will go over it when I get home just to be sure.

Anyways, thanks for your patience, guys! I'm excited for this.

 

[FrenziedAce]

Can't wait!

 

[Rare]

Thank god that I get home from school early because of finals. Since I am back so early, I am going to fix my mistakes (or try to aleast).

 

[Dervish]

Thank god that I get home from school early because of finals. Since I am back so early, I am going to fix my mistakes (or try to aleast).

Right on, my friend. It shouldn't be too tricky to sport out your sheet, just a couple odds and ends with the lore. I know you're a good roleplayer, so fear not! I'm happy you're here.