High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
oh, yes, apologies, i just ended up coming down with a cold, and then more drama, and then blah blah, excuses, etc.
I am sorry for the delay once again, but tomorrow is the start of my 'weekend' so i will be slamming out all the posts that are needed from me across my 3 roleplays on this site
Medieval Fantasy. Or pirates. Pirates are always good. When it comes to reading, however, a good steampunk is always great. Above all, however, I would definitely have to say my favorite is Dark Fantasy.
High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
Just finished my research paper and saw it. I never once saw a bio from @Wolfgirl . I need to see one and approve it before you can post in the main RP @Wolfgirl
Medieval Fantasy. Or pirates. Pirates are always good. When it comes to reading, however, a good steampunk is always great. Above all, however, I would definitely have to say my favorite is Dark Fantasy.
Oh my gosh i'm so sorry! I will post the bio right away. Sorry also about starting most of my dialogue with she i will change that too.
Name: Melody Stormfield
Age: 21
Race: She has a wolf spirit inside of her all her people do. Her people are called Spirit Dwellers. The wolf inside gives her the ability to have amazing senses and be able to communicate with wolves. This wolf inside never shows itself in her appearance.
Class: Spellsword she want to learn how to make her arrows more affective by making them fire arrows or ice arrows. Also she wants to make her sword to become a fire sword she will sometimes bring only bow and arrows or just her short sword but usually she will never bring both.
Title: Student
Sect Study: Dominus-White
Appearance: She is around 5'4 in height. She is thin in appearance also her skin is very pale so she usually wears black bracelets. Her eyes are very light blue they make her look like she is blind. She has long blond hair that always cover her right eye also the tips of her hair are blue. Melody always wears black tights with a blue kind of ruffled dress. On her feet she wears black flats. She always wears a blue heart necklace and all kind of earnings each day their different. Their is a black headband on her head.
Personality: Melody is the type of person that you could scare easily. She is very sweet once you get to know her though. However her super shyness makes it very hard to get close to her. Her voice is soft and quiet. If someone chats with her she will just listen until they are done and maybe say a few words. So this makes her a great listener. She can sometimes come off as cold to people she just met because she suppresses her emotions until she gets to know someone and then she shows her true self. However the reason for this is because usually her magic powers are directly connected to her emotions so she always needed to keep them in check. Somethings though well make her straight mad and she is not afraid for a little while to let you have it.
She has good studying habits. At her old school she always had amazing grades. If she is not in class or at her dorm she will be in a library reading. She loves to learn and read.
Weapon(s): Bow and arrow sometimes she brings along a short sword.
Abilities/Magic: She can channel magic in her hands but she still needs to learn how to control it.
History: When she was 9 an accident happened. She couldn't control her magic powers. As a result she accidentally killed her best friend Akali. This left emotional scar. When she was mourning she accidentally froze a flower she then realized what was happening. Every time her emotions got out of control her magic would reveal it self. Her father and mother start to help to control her emotions so this sort of thing would never happen again. Both the parents know what they daughter was going through since both of them had magic ability's. They first decide to move to another town and try all they could to cover up their tracks. Then they started to distract her with learning how to use the bow and arrow and do one on one combat with short swords.
Melody was able to control her emotions around the age of 15. Sometimes they would show but she would always be able to contain it. One year later some people came to her house. She had no idea why they were here. Then she recognized them they were Akali parents. Her father quick grabbed her to the side and told her to hide. She heard her parents arguing with Akali parents in her house. She then heard a gun shot. Quickly Melody closed her eyes in fear. She heard her dad scream in rage and she saw him grab a sword from the trophy case. She quickly ran out of the closet and saw her mother lying on the ground slowly dying. Her mother takes off her blue heart necklace and tells Melody to keep it with her always. After they were gone her father spent his wife's last moments trying to comfort her.
When she reached the age of 21 her father was concerned. Grieving for the past 6 years he had started to push away Melody. He realized he couldn't keep her in this house all her life if he was just going to shut her out. He then decided to send her to Eureka Academy to get her away from everything and to focus on something besides what had happened 6 years ago. Melody was enraged that he didn't ask her if she wanted to go first her hands started to make fire. Then she realized he was only doing this for her own good she decided that she would go to the Academy to make her father happy.
Medieval Fantasy. Or pirates. Pirates are always good. When it comes to reading, however, a good steampunk is always great. Above all, however, I would definitely have to say my favorite is Dark Fantasy.
Some advice of mine as a general rule, I try to never start 2 sentences in the same paragraph with the same word. Sometimes I find it hard to avoid, but it makes it much easier on the reader.
Some advice of mine as a general rule, I try to never start 2 sentences in the same paragraph with the same word. Sometimes I find it hard to avoid, but it makes it much easier on the reader.
High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
@Wolfgirl ... wow. Okay then, I guess I'm about to become the Simon Cowell of this rp.
I hate your CS. I mean, I have been roleplaying for years, and even when I see a badly done CS, i still usually try to offer constructive criticism, see the good in it, and teach the player how to do it better. Just ask @Tanstin I did the same thing for him when he was new to roleplaying and first submitted his character here and again later when he submitted another character to one of my own roleplays on this site.
but this is... This is almost a point-by-point example of how to not build a CS.
Now I'm not the GM, so you can feel free to ignore me however much you want because i literally have no say on whether or not your character gets accepted. But I honestly doubt that @Yaoi Master Gavin is gonna disagree with me on most of these things, so if you want to avoid making these mistakes in the future, i would suggest you keep reading.
In english, it is exceedingly rare for a composite last name (a family name composed of two or more words, such as Wigmore, Blackbriar, Johnson, etc.) to capitalize different parts of the name. the only time you usually see that is with scottish and irish names (MacDonald, O'Conery, McBrie, etc.). Unless you plan to make this little hiccup a part of her cultural heritage, it will be a grammatical mistake to spell it StormField rather than Stormfield.
Race: She is kind of a half wolf half human. The part wolf is her ability to have amazing senses and be able to communicate with wolves. However she doesn't look anything like a wolf so she isn't hair or have pointy ears. However she does have sharp teeth but not overwhelming sharp.
so, in other words, she isn't part wolf at all. Since she has no wolf traits at all, it sounds more like she has a wolf spirit or wolf soul than her being 'part' wolf physically speaking. If her ancestry does not share this trait of having a wolf's spirit that allows them to communicate with wolves, you shouldn't mention it in the race section (since it's not a racially shared attribute). you should put her race down as human and put the wolf sense thingy (whatever you decide to call its origin) in her abilities/powers section.
also, saying 'kind of' part something and part something else doesn't help us. She is your character so you should know exactly what race she is or isn't. With an rp full of so many different races with so many different abilities, it's not helpful to have a character who is 'kind of' something. Among other issues, it shows you have not put a lot of thought into your character at all, just seems like you're throwing out a concept for a character that hasn't fully been fleshed out yet.
Class: Mage she want to learn how to make her arrows more affective by making them fire arrows or ice arrows. Also she wants to make her sword to become a fire sword she will sometimes bring only bow and arrows or just her short sword but usually she will never bring both.
so, in other words, she isn't a mage either. A mage only uses magic (or at least magic is easily the center of all their abilities), your girl clearly has training in archery and swordplay as her main weapons and all that you are saying she wants to learn is how to imbue her weapons with elements. That makes her a spellsword (or, rather, she is trying to LEARN how to be a spellsword, since she doesn't know how to do any of these things yet, for now she is just a typical ranger that just so happens to have magical potential)
the rank (white) goes after her sect study, not her title, this is said specifically in the character skeleton. She is a dominus white student, not a white student of dominus.
Appearance: She is around 5'4 in height. She is thin in appearance also her skin is very pale so she usually wears bracelets that darkens her skin a little bit.
Why the hell would she do that? Tanning is a thing. and there's nothing wrong with having pale skin to begin with. why go through the trouble of having magical bracelets to fix such an inconsequential aesthetic issue? where the hell did she GET those bracelets to begin with? who would MAKE bracelets who only have that effect of slightly darkening one's skin tone to healthier levels?
Personality: Melody is the type of person that you could scare super easily. She is super sweet once you get to know her though. However her super shyness makes it very hard to get close to her. Her voice is soft and quiet.
so much for her being 'super sweet', scaring 'super easily, and being 'super shy' huh? those are all emotions that, apparently, she is constantly suppressing according to this sentence.
like what? be more specific. you said the girl is a coward who scares easily, so tell us exactly what is a strong enough emotional stimulant that it would make her change her personality and suddenly become aggressive. Also 'straight' is a slang adjective. try to use something a little more refined.
again, you are contradicting your character's established personality traits. Someone who is shy and easily scared does not stand up to bullies. and you have nothing in your character's history that justifies her bravery against bullies. no traumatic experience or life changing event that makes her have a 0 tolerance policy against them. you are subverting all of your negative traits whenever it suits your character so as to give her no weaknesses or failings. the halmark of a mary-sue.
You never explain WHERE these powers come from either, or WHY she has them. I'd also like to point out that by this point in your CS, you seem to have completely forgotten about her 'part wolfyness' attribute, since you mentioned it exactly once in her race section then never speak of it ever again. You seem to have just thrown it in because you thought it was cool and didn't think at all about how it would work with the rest of your character.
why did they do this? why did their child's sudden manifestation of supernatural powers that caused her to KILL her best friend not freak them the fuck out? how did the best friend's parents react to this? Why was there not a police investigation for the murder? how the hell did the parents come to realize that it was her emotions triggering the powers in the first place?
Ok so how the hell was she capable of hiding the fact that she had powers that, again, have caused the death of another human being, for all those years until she learned to suppress them? And when the hell during all this time did she learn to use a bow and arrow and a short sword?
. She heard her dad scream in rage she quickly ran out of the closet and saw her mother lying on the ground slowly dying. Her mother takes off her blue heart necklace and tells Melody to keep it with her always. After the people were gone her father did all he could but he wasn't able to save her mother.
wait a minute, they had GUNS! how the hell did her father, who has absolutely zero combat or magic skills as far as you have told us, able to scare them off at all? you say he flies into a rage, but rage doesn't make you bulletproof. and if he had the ability to scare them off, why the hell did he wait until AFTER his wife got shot to do it? and what is to say he could have done anything to help his wife anyways? you say he 'did all he could' but you never mentioned him having any medical training either, so why the hell did he even think he had a chance to save her? why not call an ambulance?
and why the hell is that heart necklace suddenly important to the story?
oh, so five years AFTER people break into his house looking for his magical, murderous daughter, and then murder his wife. he waits five years after all that happens and THEN he gets concerned. right, makes total sense.
There's a few details more but this should be plenty enough reason to show why I hate this CS. It is lazy, it is uninspired, it is completely disjointed, there was no effort put into it, it is quite frankly one of the worst CSes i have seen in my entire RP career. For your sake, I honestly hope you submitted this as a joke.
note: yes, i do realize that a few of these (the spelling of the last name, the misplacement of the rank, etc.) were actually very minor mistakes. The only reason I highlighted them was because of everything else that i was already criticizing. Since i was already picking apart nearly every sentence you wrote down, i decided i was gonna do this right and highlight every incorrect thing i saw in the CS.
That was a bit harsh @Buio, after all, he/she is a new player, we all were at some point, but there was no need to roast her/him like that. Im not trying to minimize the fact that her CS is really undeveloped and bare, but still..
As for @Wolfgirl I recommend heading towards the Roleplay Institute to learn a bit more about RPing standards, terminology, etc. etc. If you learn a bit more and if you feel like coming back, you can revise your CS if @Yaoi Master Gavin allows it. If not, I suppose you can try the Jump In Roleplay section for practice without having to make a CS
@Wolfgirl ... wow. Okay then, I guess I'm about to become the Simon Cowell of this rp.
I hate your CS. I mean, I have been roleplaying for years, and even when I see a badly done CS, i still usually try to offer constructive criticism, see the good in it, and teach the player how to do it better. Just ask @Tanstin I did the same thing for him when he was new to roleplaying and first submitted his character here and again later when he submitted another character to one of my own roleplays on this site.
but this is... This is almost a point-by-point example of how to not build a CS.
Now I'm not the GM, so you can feel free to ignore me however much you want because i literally have no say on whether or not your character gets accepted. But I honestly doubt that @Yaoi Master Gavin is gonna disagree with me on most of these things, so if you want to avoid making these mistakes in the future, i would suggest you keep reading.
this is everything wrong with the above CS.
In english, it is exceedingly rare for a composite last name (a family name composed of two or more words, such as Wigmore, Blackbriar, Johnson, etc.) to capitalize different parts of the name. the only time you usually see that is with scottish and irish names (MacDonald, O'Conery, McBrie, etc.). Unless you plan to make this little hiccup a part of her cultural heritage, it will be a grammatical mistake to spell it StormField rather than Stormfield.
so, in other words, she isn't part wolf at all. Since she has no wolf traits at all, it sounds more like she has a wolf spirit or wolf soul than her being 'part' wolf physically speaking. If her ancestry does not share this trait of having a wolf's spirit that allows them to communicate with wolves, you shouldn't mention it in the race section (since it's not a racially shared attribute). you should put her race down as human and put the wolf sense thingy (whatever you decide to call its origin) in her abilities/powers section.
also, saying 'kind of' part something and part something else doesn't help us. She is your character so you should know exactly what race she is or isn't. With an rp full of so many different races with so many different abilities, it's not helpful to have a character who is 'kind of' something. Among other issues, it shows you have not put a lot of thought into your character at all, just seems like you're throwing out a concept for a character that hasn't fully been fleshed out yet.
so, in other words, she isn't a mage either. A mage only uses magic (or at least magic is easily the center of all their abilities), your girl clearly has training in archery and swordplay as her main weapons and all that you are saying she wants to learn is how to imbue her weapons with elements. That makes her a spellsword (or, rather, she is trying to LEARN how to be a spellsword, since she doesn't know how to do any of these things yet, for now she is just a typical ranger that just so happens to have magical potential)
the rank (white) goes after her sect study, not her title, this is said specifically in the character skeleton. She is a dominus white student, not a white student of dominus.
Why the hell would she do that? Tanning is a thing. and there's nothing wrong with having pale skin to begin with. why go through the trouble of having magical bracelets to fix such an inconsequential aesthetic issue? where the hell did she GET those bracelets to begin with? who would MAKE bracelets who only have that effect of slightly darkening one's skin tone to healthier levels?
=_=... blindness doesn't just 'go away'
try finding adjectives besides 'super'
few*
so much for her being 'super sweet', scaring 'super easily, and being 'super shy' huh? those are all emotions that, apparently, she is constantly suppressing according to this sentence.
like what? be more specific. you said the girl is a coward who scares easily, so tell us exactly what is a strong enough emotional stimulant that it would make her change her personality and suddenly become aggressive. Also 'straight' is a slang adjective. try to use something a little more refined.
again, you are contradicting your character's established personality traits. Someone who is shy and easily scared does not stand up to bullies. and you have nothing in your character's history that justifies her bravery against bullies. no traumatic experience or life changing event that makes her have a 0 tolerance policy against them. you are subverting all of your negative traits whenever it suits your character so as to give her no weaknesses or failings. the halmark of a mary-sue.
Where the hell did she get these weapons? Where did she learn to use them?
You never explain WHERE these powers come from either, or WHY she has them. I'd also like to point out that by this point in your CS, you seem to have completely forgotten about her 'part wolfyness' attribute, since you mentioned it exactly once in her race section then never speak of it ever again. You seem to have just thrown it in because you thought it was cool and didn't think at all about how it would work with the rest of your character.
how little?
How? and why was it important to know this friend's name?
so somebody recently watched Frozen I see
why did they do this? why did their child's sudden manifestation of supernatural powers that caused her to KILL her best friend not freak them the fuck out? how did the best friend's parents react to this? Why was there not a police investigation for the murder? how the hell did the parents come to realize that it was her emotions triggering the powers in the first place?
Ok so how the hell was she capable of hiding the fact that she had powers that, again, have caused the death of another human being, for all those years until she learned to suppress them? And when the hell during all this time did she learn to use a bow and arrow and a short sword?
Who? how many? what did they look like? what did they want? why are they a part of this story?
okay, so she clearly heard the argument. what was it about? why were those people here? why did her father IMMEDIATELY know to hide her away?
Oh, awesome, there are guns where she comes from. So why the hell does she use medieval weapons?
... i don't even.... you know what, moving on.
wait a minute, they had GUNS! how the hell did her father, who has absolutely zero combat or magic skills as far as you have told us, able to scare them off at all? you say he flies into a rage, but rage doesn't make you bulletproof. and if he had the ability to scare them off, why the hell did he wait until AFTER his wife got shot to do it? and what is to say he could have done anything to help his wife anyways? you say he 'did all he could' but you never mentioned him having any medical training either, so why the hell did he even think he had a chance to save her? why not call an ambulance?
and why the hell is that heart necklace suddenly important to the story?
oh, so five years AFTER people break into his house looking for his magical, murderous daughter, and then murder his wife. he waits five years after all that happens and THEN he gets concerned. right, makes total sense.
why?
There's a few details more but this should be plenty enough reason to show why I hate this CS. It is lazy, it is uninspired, it is completely disjointed, there was no effort put into it, it is quite frankly one of the worst CSes i have seen in my entire RP career. For your sake, I honestly hope you submitted this as a joke.
note: yes, i do realize that a few of these (the spelling of the last name, the misplacement of the rank, etc.) were actually very minor mistakes. The only reason I highlighted them was because of everything else that i was already criticizing. Since i was already picking apart nearly every sentence you wrote down, i decided i was gonna do this right and highlight every incorrect thing i saw in the CS.
I Will try my best to fix everything you said i'm still very new to this rpg thing so i welcome anything that you can help me with even if you are just state everything i'm doing wrong i don't care as long as it makes me a better at rpg. I fixed all i could tell me what you think of it now if it's still not good i will leave and try again when i'm better.
High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
That was a bit harsh @Buio, after all, he/she is a new player, we all were at some point, but there was no need to roast her/him like that. Im not trying to minimize the fact that her CS is really undeveloped and bare, but still..
As for @Wolfgirl I recommend heading towards the Roleplay Institute to learn a bit more about RPing standards, terminology, etc. etc. If you learn a bit more and if you feel like coming back, you can revise your CS if @Yaoi Master Gavin allows it. If not, I suppose you can try the Jump In Roleplay section for practice without having to make a CS
There is no such thing as a CS that cannot be salvaged. But i have met many, many unsalvageable players. In my experience the ones who do the most mistakes are actually not the newest players, but the players who don't want to learn and can't take criticism. So i make it a point not to hold back any punches when i see a bad Cs from someone I don't know and give them an honest opinion, even and especially if that opinion is overwhelmingly negative. All the while though, i make sure to highlight exactly why i dislike their CS so as to not give the impression that i'm just talking out of my ass.
If they reply to me with arrogance and insult, getting offended that i pointed out what was objectively wrong with their CS, that lets me know that they value their ego more than learning, and that they are a bad player that i shouldn;t waste any more time on.
@Wolfgirl however, didn't do that. She took my harsh criticism with humility just like you did when you were new and showed me that she had the determination and will to improve her skills even if they aren't impressive right now. That is a character trait that i highly respect and look for in any player i RP with whether i'm GM or not, and I'm sure @Yaoi Master Gavin will agree. I'lll take an inexperienced player who is willing to learn over an arrogant and egotistica professional rper any day.
so with that said Wolfgirl, your skills do leave something to be desired, but your attitude is exactly what most roleplayers look for in partners, especially most GMs that i have met. I think that for now it would be best for you to try and hone your skills a little more by doing some jump-in roleplays or by reading up articles on the roleplay institute like Tanstin suggested. If you are adamant about wanting to play in this rp though, you can feel free to PM me for advice on how to improve your CS.
