Corrupt-A-Wish

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Granted. Since the noises animals use to communicate could be considered language, you can now understand every human and non-human language on the planet, speak them fluently, and read/write them perfectly. To make this easier for you I've rewired the language part of your brain to automatically recognize all those languages and translate them into your primary language, which I assume to be English (though I may be wrong). However, this also means that, wherever you go, if there is an animal communicating with another animal, you will understand what they are saying. All of them. All the time. Insects, canines, felines, reptiles, birds, humans, etc. that are speaking at that time within hearing distance, you will hear and know what they are saying. In addition, every single one of those voices is that of a gravelly-toned man from Manhattan. You will have no way to tell who/what is talking unless you are watching their lips move and match it to the words you hear. This likely drives you insane in a short period of time, and you are locked away. Sadly, the voices that have developed in your head have the same voice. Envoy!

I wish I could have someone killed in a way that there would be no evidence or traces of my involvement, including physical evidence and emotional attachments. My chosen target will be selected to die within a week after my choosing them to die, and I can choose to let them remain alive up to the actual time of death.
 
Granted. The guilt piles up on you after killing that person, and you commit suicide because of it.

Now, I wish I was immortal, and a God.
 
Granted, but the process of transforming you into a god requires taking all the heat energy from a planet's core. Since Earth is the easiest to do this to, the thermal energy from it is taken away. The planet soon loses it's ability to sustain life, and you are merely an immortal God of Music with no one and nothing to play your songs to but your lonely, lonely self. And since you cannot die you will be stuck on that barren, lonely wasteland that used to be your home planet. Forever.

I wish I had a pet baby chimera that did not attack people unless commanded to do so and hunted it's own food, which would be birds and squirrels and the occasional stray cat.
 
Granted you have one but now you can't mate

I wish to be Wheatly from Portal
 
Granted. You get sent into SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! Never to be seen or heard from again.

Now I wish to be an anime character who doesn't die but gets hurt through out the entire series and wins every battle, but has no friends, dead family members, and a forever stoic attitude, with an overpowered weapon.
 
Granted you are now a stocked out eren from AOT being hurt every single frame

I wish to be gordon freemen!
 
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Granted. You are now a silly and obvious ripoff of Gordon FreemAn. You posess none of the skills of the original and aren't respected by anyone.

I wish for a bottle of non-diet Pepsi cola.
 
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And so you shall have it! Um... I hope you didn't want to drink it, though. The bottle is a half a mile in diameter and as tall as the Empire State Building; a fifth of that height is buried in the ground so it's impossible for it to tip; and the opening at the top is the same size as on a typical one-liter bottle. Maybe you can turn it into a tourist attraction or something.

I wish for more songs sung by Idina Menzel.
 
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Granted. You now have an album full of original songs sung by Idina Menzel, except she's not actually on the album, instead it's filled with various bland auto-tuned pop stars.

I wish for someone to talk dirty to me.
 
Granted. you now have someone who follows you around all day, everyday, with the only conversations they make being either statements of the uncleanliness of your surroundings or various acts of a sexual nature. And it's always the topic you don't want to hear about right then. Have fun at the next family gathering!

I wish I could grow my fingernails into sharp claws, about a quarter-inch long and as thick as a regular fingernail, albeit sturdy and hard enough not to break when used to puncture something, but not hard enough to not be able to be cut if they get too long.
 
Granted you can no longer use a mouse on a computer

I wish for a hug.
 
Granted. You enter the warm embrace of a hungry tiger. Who then eats you.

I wish I was two years older.
 
Granted. You have been put in a coma and you wake up 2 years later, all your relationships have been ruined and you've lost your job/place of education.

I wish I was able to draw pretty pictures.
 
Granted but now you can only draw picture of very detailed corpses and you love them.

I wish for a blue screen
 
Well, the obvious 'granting' would be in the form of having your computer dying a violent death, right? But since that is so obvious, it might actually be exactly what you want, so granting it would actually be a good thing, in which case I need to do something completely different in order to actually corrupt it. Let's see...
Granted. Here's a big piece of blue cloth. Not exactly sure what you are planning to do with it, but eh. I've heard stranger wishes.

I wish for you to make me an all-powerful Genie! Muhahahahahaha!
 
Granted. You are now a comic relief character in a Disney movie.

I wish I knew what's for dinner tonight
 
Granted. I'm eating macaroni with cheese tonight.

I wish to be able to grant my own wishes, in whatever form I want to grant them to myself, without having to fulfill some kind of ridiculous ritual in advance.
 
Granted : Everything you wished for will act fast and true ( Even the one's you don't mean ) Like I Wish they just disappear

I Wish for a Werewolf
 
Granted, but as fast as the werewolf sees you, it attacks and eats your body until there's nothing but bones left.

I wish I had a balloon
 
Granted. Your ballon pops. It contains anthrax. Have fun.

I wish I was a master gardener.
 
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