The Dear Revi Column

[Revision]

Dear Revi has the answers to the questions that plague your characters! Relationship troubles? Secret conspiracies making your blood pressure rise? Roommate leaving their toothbrush on your side of the sink? Dear Revi will offer her advice. Just post a letter! Characters only!

**Dear Revi is not responsible for any consequences resulting from actually taking her rather silly advice. **


The premise:
This is just a fun idea I had. Not an RP, just silly semi-OOC fun. Have any character you are playing on Iwaku write in (they can even do so anonymously. "Signed, Lonely in the Forest" is perfectly acceptable.) The advice isn't to be used in actual roleplay, it is just silly fluff. (The exception might be if you want to give Dear Revi a cameo appearance in your RP, but if you do, don't blame me if my silly advice gets a character in trouble.) Oh, and yes, characters who can't write can still submit letters. I'm sure they can find a way. Answers will range from mock serious to complete silliness, so lets just have fun!

---

Letter from the Editor:

Hello, Readers! While we understand that many of you are fans of Dear Revi and wish your letters answered, there are some topics that Dear Revi just refuses to answer. As she is the star of the column, we have to take this into account. Please do not send in any letters that deal with things that could be considered triggering material (if you have to ask whether your material is triggering, it probably is!), and please keep in mind that this is supposed to be a lighthearted advice column. Serious issues should be taken to a therapist!

If you aren't entirely sure what is taboo, here is a list (under spoilers) of topics it would be best to avoid:

Spoiler

Dubious consent in sexual situations, or non-consensual situations
Incest or other relationships involving possible abuse of power
Emotional or physical abuse
Anything else significantly dark or violent
Explicitly sexual advice

Thank you for your understanding on this matter. We look forwards to your letters!

 

[Elyd]

Dear Revi,
My car broke down in the middle of the woods. I know, right? One moment you're cruising along, the next minute you're being followed by shadows and the sound of running water even though you KNOW there is no water anywhere. Anyway, I found this inn, you see. A bed and breakfast. It's the closest thing to civilization that I've seen. I know there has to be more around here but I don't know what else. My car's in the middle of a forest! Weird shit keeps happening around here, and I might just be freaked out enough to run. But I don't want to seem unmanly in front of the ladies who are staying at the B&B. How can I get my car fixed and run without losing my dignity?!
Signed,
Things Keep Going Wrong

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,
My car broke down in the middle of the woods. I know, right? One moment you're cruising along, the next minute you're being followed by shadows and the sound of running water even though you KNOW there is no water anywhere. Anyway, I found this inn, you see. A bed and breakfast. It's the closest thing to civilization that I've seen. I know there has to be more around here but I don't know what else. My car's in the middle of a forest! Weird shit keeps happening around here, and I might just be freaked out enough to run. But I don't want to seem unmanly in front of the ladies who are staying at the B&B. How can I get my car fixed and run without losing my dignity?!
Signed,
Things Keep Going Wrong

Dear Things Keep Going Wrong,

The best thing to do is to have somewhere to be. It isn't running away from something if you have somewhere you are running TO. No one can fault you for that. Even if you only have to go to the dry cleaners, you can make it sound urgent, especially if you never plan on seeing these people again. "I have some business to take care of back at the city" should suffice. If they ask what, just be vague. Say you'd rather not discuss it or that it is confidential.

Of course, you could always just try to hold out until someone else runs off screaming into the woods, first, then slip out the back door.

Hope this has helped!


Yours Sincerely,



Revi

 

[Karsikan the Berzerker]

Dear Revi
I am faced with a moral Dilemma, one the one hand I wish that all be given the right to roleplay as they so choose, and on the other I am a Daemonslayer and my duty demands That I cut down the daemons I find on my favorite roleplayiing site where they stand. What advice do you have on this subject?
Sincerely
Semper Iratus

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi
I am faced with a moral Dilemma, one the one hand I wish that all be given the right to roleplay as they so choose, and on the other I am a Daemonslayer and my duty demands That I cut down the daemons I find on my favorite roleplayiing site where they stand. What advice do you have on this subject?
Sincerely
Semper Iratus

Semper Iratus,

Good afternoon. Your question is quite the dilemma. Duty in conflict with beliefs is always a struggle. However, I suggest that you focus on the following phrase: What Would the Emperor Do? You may find it sets your mind at ease and gives you the answer you so need. Should that fail, I'd suggest letting them play as they wish, but with a heavy dose of Consequence in the form of heavy bouts of banana cream pies to the face.


Keeping You In My Thoughts,

Revi

 

[Ochalla]

Dear Ms. Revi

I have a great delema, I am due to herity and ability the successor of heros before me. Being a fighter for justice I have had to keep my identity a secret to protect my loved ones. I am intending now to propose to my long time girlfriend and childhood sweetheart. I know I need to tell her about my duel identity. When is the best way to break the ice, and how do I keep her from being pissed that my best friend has known for years when I haven't told her. Can I use the defense that he drugged me to find out why I kept coming to him injured and he's now my unwanted sidekick?

Thanks,
Man in the Leather Mask

 

[Revision]

Dear Ms. Revi

I have a great delema, I am due to herity and ability the successor of heros before me. Being a fighter for justice I have had to keep my identity a secret to protect my loved ones. I am intending now to propose to my long time girlfriend and childhood sweetheart. I know I need to tell her about my duel identity. When is the best way to break the ice, and how do I keep her from being pissed that my best friend has known for years when I haven't told her. Can I use the defense that he drugged me to find out why I kept coming to him injured and he's now my unwanted sidekick?

Thanks,
Man in the Leather Mask

Man in the Leather Mask,

I would suggest approaching the matter in comfortable surroundings, after a fun day together. Just have plenty of booze on standby in case your beloved needs to process. As for the best friend, if he truly is a sidekick, she might actually understand, but in the case that he isn't, you might just want to leave the reasons vague.

And, uh, if you are a really sexy superhero and she doesn't respond well, then I'm always up for coffee!

Sincerely,

Revi

 

[Kitti]

Dear Revi,

I've just woken up in a room that is not my bedroom. I don't remember how I got here or what's going on. All I know is that the concrete is hard and cold, which has made me ache all over. Some woman tripped over me and began shrieking to wake me up, causing me to notice that I'm in a room with five other people. That's not important though: my real question is, should I ask her if she wants todo the horizontal tango, even though I can't be sure whether or not she drugged me and brought me here?

Signed,
Punishment?

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,

I've just woken up in a room that is not my bedroom. I don't remember how I got here or what's going on. All I know is that the concrete is hard and cold, which has made me ache all over. Some woman tripped over me and began shrieking to wake me up, causing me to notice that I'm in a room with five other people. That's not important though: my real question is, should I ask her if she wants todo the horizontal tango, even though I can't be sure whether or not she drugged me and brought me here?

Signed,
Punishment?

Punishment,

You might want to calm her down a bit before asking such an earth shaking question. Chances are, she is scared, vulnerable, and just as out of it as you are. Though if she did drug you and bring you there, she may already be showing quite the interest in you! So go for it! I mean, er, um... No, you most certainly should not do anything that might get the editors, staff, or advise columnist of this page dragged off to join you. In fact, forget I even answered this question.


Yours truly,

Revi

 

[Tetsuri Tokai]

Dear Revi,

Its been a year since I ordered those cookies in the new catalog (Jumbo Cookies) you sent me. I was so excited when I saw the HUGE jumbo​ sized cookie. But, when I got the box in the mail, it was only a medium sized cookie. I was very sad faced about it and started tossing things around my room. I sat down on my bed and cried my little heart out. I was so sad that you didn't send me my gigantic cookie.

Questions: Why did you not send me my huge cookie? Did I upset you with my fan letter?

Signed,
The guy who is sad faced.

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,

Its been a year since I ordered those cookies in the new catalog (Jumbo Cookies) you sent me. I was so excited when I saw the HUGE jumbo​ sized cookie. But, when I got the box in the mail, it was only a medium sized cookie. I was very sad faced about it and started tossing things around my room. I sat down on my bed and cried my little heart out. I was so sad that you didn't send me my gigantic cookie.

Questions: Why did you not send me my huge cookie? Did I upset you with my fan letter?

Signed,
The guy who is sad faced.

The guy who is sad faced,

Those cookies were enlarged to seem more att- I mean, to show texture. Yes. That. But if you really want an excellent cookie, I can send you a brand new catalog tomorrow. Just... read the fine print this time.


Sincerely,


Revi

 

[Diana]

Dear Revi,

I have a really hard time keeping staff. I am not a mean boss, but I guess my lifestyle might be a little strange for normal people. I mean, I didn't think trying to raise baby frogs in an aquarium would be a bad idea. (I wasn't expecting so MANY of them!) And honestly, I wouldn't have shot my last butler with an arrow if he hadn't been shaking so much.

BUT! The good news is that I have found a wonderful new butler! He might be the best butler in the universe! He fought a demon dryer. Didn't get upset when I dumped paint on by accident. Helped me rescue a bunch of chickens before my potential new chef murdered them and he didn't quit when I walked in on him in the shower! (I definitely want to do that again if he sticks around...)

Anyway, my question! How can I make this butler stay and not scare him away? I want to do something nice for him. Like fill his room with butterflies, or bring home a Emu as a present! What do you think is the best idea?


Sincerely,
Eccentric Heiress in a Big Empty House

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,

I have a really hard time keeping staff. I am not a mean boss, but I guess my lifestyle might be a little strange for normal people. I mean, I didn't think trying to raise baby frogs in an aquarium would be a bad idea. (I wasn't expecting so MANY of them!) And honestly, I wouldn't have shot my last butler with an arrow if he hadn't been shaking so much.

BUT! The good news is that I have found a wonderful new butler! He might be the best butler in the universe! He fought a demon dryer. Didn't get upset when I dumped paint on by accident. Helped me rescue a bunch of chickens before my potential new chef murdered them and he didn't quit when I walked in on him in the shower! (I definitely want to do that again if he sticks around...)

Anyway, my question! How can I make this butler stay and not scare him away? I want to do something nice for him. Like fill his room with butterflies, or bring home a Emu as a present! What do you think is the best idea?


Sincerely,
Eccentric Heiress in a Big Empty House

Eccentric Heiress,

The bigger the better! Why fill his room with butterflies when you can give him his very own butterfly garden? Emus are wonderful, but how about a pet elephant? I don't see how that could possibly go wrong! How about getting him his very own hot air balloon, so you can make excuses to float lazily around together! The sky's the limit. Well, I suppose the sky really isn't much of a limit with a hot air balloon. The stratosphere's the limit! Because, really, who wants to get hit by a passing airplane?


Happy sailing,

Revi

 

[Fel of the Eternal Forest]

Dear Revi,

Last week I was living the good life. I was guarding the woman I love (I can't actually... you know, do anything, I'm a commoner and shes' the queen), and life was generally going great.

However! Last night we had to escape the castle and flee! What should I do?

Sincerely
Never Done This Sort of Thing Before.

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,

Last week I was living the good life. I was guarding the woman I love (I can't actually... you know, do anything, I'm a commoner and shes' the queen), and life was generally going great.

However! Last night we had to escape the castle and flee! What should I do?

Sincerely
Never Done This Sort of Thing Before.

Never Done This Sort of Thing Before,

Now is the chance to shine. Comfort her, care for her, and show that you are the best damn guard there is! Yes, having to flee is a huge disaster, but on the upside, you are now in your guardsman element: protecting someone who is in sincere need of it. So use that to your advantage! And if the worst happens and you two have to flee into total exile, well, at least the royalty thing won't matter nearly as much to keep you apart, right?


Yours,

Revi

 

[Ochalla]

Dear Revi,

My partner is several years older then me. I know he saw himself as a mentor, as a substitute for my dead master in completeling my training when he found me. That was several years ago and I am my own woman, confident and good at what I do. I also love him very much. I don't doubt his affection for me, but he holds himself back. I was half tempted to fly off to where as his alter ego he was living. That is until I ended up with a job that ended with me rescuing his unknown sister. Now his idiotic overprotectivness is in hyperdrive!

So my question is, how do I get it on with him and in the process maybe get him to loosen up so his sister can explore her relationship with that diplomats son? Should I just force myself on him? Because really, I want to.

Sincerly,
Not A Padawan

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,

My partner is several years older then me. I know he saw himself as a mentor, as a substitute for my dead master in completeling my training when he found me. That was several years ago and I am my own woman, confident and good at what I do. I also love him very much. I don't doubt his affection for me, but he holds himself back. I was half tempted to fly off to where as his alter ego he was living. That is until I ended up with a job that ended with me rescuing his unknown sister. Now his idiotic overprotectivness is in hyperdrive!

So my question is, how do I get it on with him and in the process maybe get him to loosen up so his sister can explore her relationship with that diplomats son? Should I just force myself on him? Because really, I want to.

Sincerly,
Not A Padawan

Dear Not a Padawan,

You should totally jump him! Give him a whirlwind night of, uh, romance that will knock his socks off! Maybe if he actually gets some, romance that is, he will lighten up. Have fun and take pictures. Uh, to document the advice working, of course!

Wishing you the best,

Revi

 

[Diana]

Dear Revi,

I have a serious problem. After accepting a totally legit thieving job from a bunch of cultists, I show up to find the whole family of people I was supposed to steal from totally dead. NATURALLY I grabbed what I could (not to waste a trip) and blew off the cultists. No one wants to work with a bunch murdering cultists, right?

So, get this. A couple days later, there I am finishing up a tour and who ends up on my boat? One of the family members that miraculously wasn't there for that whole mass-murder thing. And he's pissed. At ME just because I took some stuff. (I mean, Hello? Vengeance for the family comes first right?)

ANYWAY. Now he won't get off my boat. Says "You're in this shit now" and won't LEAVE. He's sleeping in my bed, on my boat, and I kinda accidentally promised I wouldn't kill him in his sleep cause I felt bad about the whole dead family thing.

How do I get rid of this guy? (And keep those jilted-Cultists off my back?)


Sincerely,
In a Boat Load of Trouble

 

[Revision]

Dear Revi,

I have a serious problem. After accepting a totally legit thieving job from a bunch of cultists, I show up to find the whole family of people I was supposed to steal from totally dead. NATURALLY I grabbed what I could (not to waste a trip) and blew off the cultists. No one wants to work with a bunch murdering cultists, right?

So, get this. A couple days later, there I am finishing up a tour and who ends up on my boat? One of the family members that miraculously wasn't there for that whole mass-murder thing. And he's pissed. At ME just because I took some stuff. (I mean, Hello? Vengeance for the family comes first right?)

ANYWAY. Now he won't get off my boat. Says "You're in this shit now" and won't LEAVE. He's sleeping in my bed, on my boat, and I kinda accidentally promised I wouldn't kill him in his sleep cause I felt bad about the whole dead family thing.

How do I get rid of this guy? (And keep those jilted-Cultists off my back?)


Sincerely,
In a Boat Load of Trouble

Dear Boat Load,

How do you know this guy isn't working with the cultists? He could very well have killed his family and want what you have. My suggestion? Drug him and leave him in a life boat with whichever of the goodies you stole is most likely to attract cultists and "I confess" written on his forehead in sharpy. And, you know, play connect the dots with any moles and freckles while you're at it, cause really, when are you gonna get the chance to do that again? The other alternative is to keep him around and seduce him into being on your side. How well can you make a pouty face?


Sincerely,
Revi

 

[Vay]

Dear Revi,

I recently lost my entire family when a group of cultists attacked our.. I should say their.. island. I left the island 5 years ago to get out of the family business of fighting cultists and keeping ancient sea gods sealed away. Not only were my family killed but our home was robbed, I don't care about the items taken (really the thief has no eye for the value of things with what shes taken) except for my mother's amulet. It is needed for.. to be honest a prophesy (crazy I know) but it chooses its own wielder and it being around her neck shows that it has.

But this girl has no respect for the stories she sells as local legends. She changes them each time she tells them. As the last surviving guardian of these legends and the artifacts appearing in them this gets to me. She even refuses to believe them when I showed her one of the powers mentioned in them (ability to control storms) and frankly I think she wants to kill me and has already tried to throw me overboard in the middle of the ocean.

My question is this. What can I do to get through to her, if she likes or even knows it or not we're in this together and her brilliant scheme of fleeing to Africa will but her a week tops. But she hates me and and is likely to stab me in my sleep, promise or not.

Thanks,

Son Of A Sea God.