The Dear Revi Column

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Dear Revi,

I recently lost my entire family when a group of cultists attacked our.. I should say their.. island. I left the island 5 years ago to get out of the family business of fighting cultists and keeping ancient sea gods sealed away. Not only were my family killed but our home was robbed, I don't care about the items taken (really the thief has no eye for the value of things with what shes taken) except for my mother's amulet. It is needed for.. to be honest a prophesy (crazy I know) but it chooses its own wielder and it being around her neck shows that it has.

But this girl has no respect for the stories she sells as local legends. She changes them each time she tells them. As the last surviving guardian of these legends and the artifacts appearing in them this gets to me. She even refuses to believe them when I showed her one of the powers mentioned in them (ability to control storms) and frankly I think she wants to kill me and has already tried to throw me overboard in the middle of the ocean.

My question is this. What can I do to get through to her, if she likes or even knows it or not we're in this together and her brilliant scheme of fleeing to Africa will but her a week tops. But she hates me and and is likely to stab me in my sleep, promise or not.

Thanks,

Son Of A Sea God.


Dear Son of a Sea God,

Have you tried buying her a present? People love presents, and having it air delivered in the middle of the ocean would work well for proving the futility of her escape effort. Imagine her surprise when a box of chocolates parachutes to her lap! Oh! My editor is reminding me that not all men are wealthy philanthropists with hearts of gold and beds with satin sheets. Well, in that case, you might want to throw her overboard before she throws you overboard. Just be sure to grab the necklace. Then, boom, new prophecy chosen, yeah? You get to go seek out someone who doesn't want to drown you. And if she's really meant to wield the necklace, she'll miraculously survive and just have to swim to Africa.


Sincerely,

Revi
 
K

Karsikan the Berzerker

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Dear Revi,

I was roaming around the forest and I came upon a village, though I wondered what it held I momentarily found myself at a split decision, should I maim them with fire? Or slaughter them with cold?


-Not a Dick
 
V

Vay

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Original poster
Dear Revi,

I'm sorry if I sound disjointed but right now I am sitting in an ambulance while doctors swarm over my fiance and we head to hospital. Its my fault. Ten years ago when I met her she was raped. A few girls were. I was a visiting prince at the time but was accused of the rapes and put in jail because we were getting close (she was helping me overcome my fear of public speaking) and by the time I got out of jail my father was dead and I needed to return home.

We didn't see each other for ten years. In that time she blossomed and became a world class ballet dancer and I was preparing to hand all my power over to the people. It seemed the perfect time for us to meet again. I arranged for her show to visit out capitol and to meet her afterwards. We fell madly in love and it was like a fairytale.

Until that is the press got photographs of us together and began hounding her. It got so bad that she was almost forced to leave the country back to America (there were other factors including her thinking I was going out with her best friend and I was tied down trying to get the NUDES from appearing in the papers). But I caught up with her at the airport and proposed!

This didn't stop the press so after a few days I secretly organized us a getaway to Paris. That brings us here. It was meant to be a secret but we've been here less than five hours and the same man who raped her ten years ago kidnapped her and did it again. I pulled strings with the GIGN and personally lead the team that got her out. Shes covered in blood and although shed awake her words make no sense, shes calling me a dream, saying I'm not real. The doctors sedated her and she should pass out soon.

I wanted to kill that bastard but the GIGN stopped me, I know they did the right thing but I knew where he is and I want to make him pay. He will be prosecuted under french law and probably never see the light of day again but I don't feel its enough. Its my fault we're here, its my fault she was raped, again. What can I do? How can I fix this?

- Modern Fairytale King
 
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Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I was roaming around the forest and I came upon a village, though I wondered what it held I momentarily found myself at a split decision, should I maim them with fire? Or slaughter them with cold?


-Not a Dick


Dear N.a.D.,

I find that I had to give some thought your your dilemma. Then, suddenly, the answer came to me. Do both! It is a wonderful comprimise that is sure to keep you from being bored! Just, uh, don't leave any copies of this response anywhere nearby.

Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I'm sorry if I sound disjointed but right now I am sitting in an ambulance while doctors swarm over my fiance and we head to hospital. Its my fault. Ten years ago when I met her she was raped. A few girls were. I was a visiting prince at the time but was accused of the rapes and put in jail because we were getting close (she was helping me overcome my fear of public speaking) and by the time I got out of jail my father was dead and I needed to return home.

We didn't see each other for ten years. In that time she blossomed and became a world class ballet dancer and I was preparing to hand all my power over to the people. It seemed the perfect time for us to meet again. I arranged for her show to visit out capitol and to meet her afterwards. We fell madly in love and it was like a fairytale.

Until that is the press got photographs of us together and began hounding her. It got so bad that she was almost forced to leave the country back to America (there were other factors including her thinking I was going out with her best friend and I was tied down trying to get the NUDES from appearing in the papers). But I caught up with her at the airport and proposed!

This didn't stop the press so after a few days I secretly organized us a getaway to Paris. That brings us here. It was meant to be a secret but we've been here less than five hours and the same man who raped her ten years ago kidnapped her and did it again. I pulled strings with the GIGN and personally lead the team that got her out. Shes covered in blood and although shed awake her words make no sense, shes calling me a dream, saying I'm not real. The doctors sedated her and she should pass out soon.

I wanted to kill that bastard but the GIGN stopped me, I know they did the right thing but I knew where he is and I want to make him pay. He will be prosecuted under french law and probably never see the light of day again but I don't feel its enough. Its my fault we're here, its my fault she was raped, again. What can I do? How can I fix this?

- Modern Fairytale King


Modern Fairytale King,

You're a King, yes? Use that kingly influence and arrange a very public execution. This scum deserves what he has coming to him. And should that fail, Revi might have to pay a visit to the scumbag herself, with her dear friend Mister Stabby. As for your honey, just be there for her as much as you can. She needs you right now.


Hoping things work out,

Revi
 

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Dear Revi,

After my last letter I took your advice. Well - I tried to. I was totally going to dump his ass in the ocean and take off, and leave him to his cultists and ancient evil gods. And then HE BLEW UP MY BOAT. Granted, he did it to save our lives, but it's the principal of the thing. I threw in the towel and was ready to quit right there. Then I got to see his crazy evil god face to face... needless to say, that was scary as shit. So I decided to do the right thing and help him out.

....kinda accidentally had sex. ...kinda accidentally liked him too. But he bought me a brand new boat and sex was really REALLY REEEAAAAALLY GOOD. How could I resist?

So I married him.

But that is not my problem!

We're going to go defeat his evil sea god together. No big deal. But AFTERWARDS when all the adrenaline, terror, and action wears off.... how do I keep the sex good and interesting when our lives are no longer on the line?


Sincerely,
Still In a Boat Load of Trouble
 
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Original poster
Dear Revi,

After my last letter I took your advice. Well - I tried to. I was totally going to dump his ass in the ocean and take off, and leave him to his cultists and ancient evil gods. And then HE BLEW UP MY BOAT. Granted, he did it to save our lives, but it's the principal of the thing. I threw in the towel and was ready to quit right there. Then I got to see his crazy evil god face to face... needless to say, that was scary as shit. So I decided to do the right thing and help him out.

....kinda accidentally had sex. ...kinda accidentally liked him too. But he bought me a brand new boat and sex was really REALLY REEEAAAAALLY GOOD. How could I resist?

So I married him.

But that is not my problem!

We're going to go defeat his evil sea god together. No big deal. But AFTERWARDS when all the adrenaline, terror, and action wears off.... how do I keep the sex good and interesting when our lives are no longer on the line?


Sincerely,
Still In a Boat Load of Trouble


Dear Boat Load,

Keeping sex fresh and exciting certainly is a difficult task. Even those who don't hook up mid disaster often find it so. My solution? Either stay in constant danger or ask Revi over to liven things up a bit.


Sincerely,

Revi
 
V

Vay

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Original poster
Dear Revi,

I have made a terrible mistake. My family are tasked with the sealing away and hindrance of an ancient viking sea god, he have done our task for over 600 years, generation after generation, so when my father failed and the cold one broke free a war started between my family and the free people of the world and his cult, him, and his vicious monsters. We are losing.. well maybe we've already lost. Only a few cities are left standing and as far as I know I am the last of my family left. My airship is a burning wreck and there were only two survivors of the crash. Me, and the evil god's descendent who I had make my.. guest.. prisoner... I have to kill her to seal him away its the only way it can be done but there is a problem. I'm falling for her.

She is an innocent girl ignorant of the war and the evils that have arisen in man since desperation and fear took over.. this is was attracts me to her. But she is also tainted by the madness that all in her family always fall victim to and I have had to keep all weapons from her... He are only a few days journey from where I must kill her, this... little girl that although as old as me is like no one is anymore... sweet, innocent, helpful... I cannot tell her what I must do, to save the world. But what else can I do?


- Middle Eastern Skycaptain.
 
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Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I have made a terrible mistake. My family are tasked with the sealing away and hindrance of an ancient viking sea god, he have done our task for over 600 years, generation after generation, so when my father failed and the cold one broke free a war started between my family and the free people of the world and his cult, him, and his vicious monsters. We are losing.. well maybe we've already lost. Only a few cities are left standing and as far as I know I am the last of my family left. My airship is a burning wreck and there were only two survivors of the crash. Me, and the evil god's descendent who I had make my.. guest.. prisoner... I have to kill her to seal him away its the only way it can be done but there is a problem. I'm falling for her.

She is an innocent girl ignorant of the war and the evils that have arisen in man since desperation and fear took over.. this is was attracts me to her. But she is also tainted by the madness that all in her family always fall victim to and I have had to keep all weapons from her... He are only a few days journey from where I must kill her, this... little girl that although as old as me is like no one is anymore... sweet, innocent, helpful... I cannot tell her what I must do, to save the world. But what else can I do?


- Middle Eastern Skycaptain.


Skycaptain,

Normally, I try to say something to cheer people. In your case... just talk to her. Give her a chance and a choice. That's all you can do. If someone is to be a sacrifice, they at least deserve to know what good they are dying for.


Sincerely,

Revi
 
T

Tetsuri Tokai

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Original poster
Dear Revi,

I am writing this letter to say that I bought this bag of candy. In the description, it stated that there were many colored flavors. The flavors were strawberry, vanilla, onion, and pickle. At first, I thought it was all just a joke. I mean come on, Onion and pickles!?!? Yes, but when I opened the package, there was actually an Onion and a pickle in the bag!

Now, at the point of my discovery, I am sad-faced, but I tried to get my money back and your company rejected the retail on this shipping. They stated that since the package had been opened, I could not trade in for a package that had two tasty flavors.

Im wondering, what will you do about this?

Sincerely,
The Teddy Bear Bandit
 
I

Iliana

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

The government is falling after I tried to hold it together. I ordered, demanded, that there be a meeting of the higher-ups, including myself, to discuss the current situation, which is, of course, invasion. They have invaded and climbed straight through our border with open arms and malicious smiles. The government has always been a stay-at-home-and-watch-the-bias-news type of entity, sipping their little tea and snickering at the humor of the channel broadcasts's views on modern architecture. They, I will gladly tell you, are aware that we are being invaded by these other...people...but they can't get past the SuperDoppler Weather Tower and how much it looks oddly like a gigantic, deformed, mechanical cock.

As head, and no pun there, mam, of this government, I hate to see it fall due to this hindsight bias they share. "I knew it looked like one of those! It was only a matter of moments before the rest of the country realized it!" That has been the talk of the nation as of now, the PenisDoppler, we have dubbed it. With all do respect, I expect a tad bit of decency in the running of my country. As President, I fear the only thing to do is to tear the tower apart, sinew by sinew, and see how much people converse about it then.

However, if I do that, will that take eyes off of the invasion from the other country or just bring more appeal to it?

Sincerely,

President Maximum Capacity.
 

Chat Noir

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Dear Revi,

I have a dilemma - last night my brother came into my room, really wasted, and we ended up having sex - well, it was actually more of him raping me....

But this morning I woke up, and I realised that I had liked what had happened! I don't know what to do now - should I tell him, and we continue to do it, or should I just forget it ever happened?

Katrina
 
L

Laggy Lagiacrus

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Dear Revi,
I will not beat about the bush here, I am a genius. I could tell so much about you at a glance you would run off crying. And therein lies the problem - I want to solve mysteries so complex, that people's heads would explode at their mere mention. However, the criminals where I live are few and far between, and even those ones are just petty thieves or something else horrendously dull. There's a serial killer loose in the academy I'm attending and staying at, yes, but I can only get on the crime scene by sneaking into it. Even then, I need somebody to get me in and out. I need something stimulating - I've already taken my frustration out on the wall (the wall had it coming).
Also, my assistant seems to have brought in a particularly attractive and prodigious girl to aid me. Not that I'm particularly interested in her, but how do I stop him falling in love with her, as so many others have done? I may be a sociopath, but I know enough to know he'll be distracted by her, and won't focus on his work. He knew what he was getting into, so how do I keep him in line without forcing him away from his work? I don't care about his feelings, if it helps.

Sebastian Baker
 
N

nightingale

Guest
Original poster
((if you know who i based this person off of them i love you but if you dont then its alright im just wanting to post this because i wanted to see what you would say...this is one im going to use soon but i havent had the chance yet))

Dear Revi

Ok like I have this huge problem you see most of my family like drinks blood and stuff but i cant even look at blood without passing out. None of my family knows this because I usually take my dinner in my room that way I can eat and not have to see them drinking blood. I am so afraid of telling my family because I am afraid they will go batty and they are good at going batty. Now most of my friends know this fact about me but they are understanding and some of them even have me over for dinner just so i dont have to be near my family durring that time which means so much to me. What im asking is should I tell my father even if it means letting my father down please help me I am having a heck of a time trying to wrap my brain around all of this.

from
the vegan vampire
 
K

Kitti

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I am writing to confess first of all my great admiration for one of my fellow coworkers. That said, I think that perhaps I might have offended him in some of my previous actions (specifically, we had quite different views on whether or not a certain problem should be exterminated or dealt with more humanely and he's taking care of a rather problematic child). Despite all of this, I think he's pretty swell and I was wondering how you think I should make it up to him without apologizing, since I definitely don't think that I was wrong.

Sincerely,
A Silvery Issue
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I am writing this letter to say that I bought this bag of candy. In the description, it stated that there were many colored flavors. The flavors were strawberry, vanilla, onion, and pickle. At first, I thought it was all just a joke. I mean come on, Onion and pickles!?!? Yes, but when I opened the package, there was actually an Onion and a pickle in the bag!

Now, at the point of my discovery, I am sad-faced, but I tried to get my money back and your company rejected the retail on this shipping. They stated that since the package had been opened, I could not trade in for a package that had two tasty flavors.

Im wondering, what will you do about this?

Sincerely,
The Teddy Bear Bandit



Teddy Bear Bandit,

Why is it you people think I have control over food? If I did, then I wouldn't be handed the wrong sandwich two out of five days a week. Honestly, it's just a bag of candy, and people pay lots of money for exotic flavors. Use it to make bets with your friends and see who can keep it down the longest.


Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

The government is falling after I tried to hold it together. I ordered, demanded, that there be a meeting of the higher-ups, including myself, to discuss the current situation, which is, of course, invasion. They have invaded and climbed straight through our border with open arms and malicious smiles. The government has always been a stay-at-home-and-watch-the-bias-news type of entity, sipping their little tea and snickering at the humor of the channel broadcasts's views on modern architecture. They, I will gladly tell you, are aware that we are being invaded by these other...people...but they can't get past the SuperDoppler Weather Tower and how much it looks oddly like a gigantic, deformed, mechanical cock.

As head, and no pun there, mam, of this government, I hate to see it fall due to this hindsight bias they share. "I knew it looked like one of those! It was only a matter of moments before the rest of the country realized it!" That has been the talk of the nation as of now, the PenisDoppler, we have dubbed it. With all do respect, I expect a tad bit of decency in the running of my country. As President, I fear the only thing to do is to tear the tower apart, sinew by sinew, and see how much people converse about it then.

However, if I do that, will that take eyes off of the invasion from the other country or just bring more appeal to it?

Sincerely,

President Maximum Capacity.


President Max,

What a silly thing for your country to be obsessed with. Get rid of that eye sore and focus on what's important. Taxes! I mean, uh, the invasion. Honestly, taking the tower down quickly might be the best solution. Besides, it gives you a chance to show just how ready you are to blow things up! That will get the invader's attention!


Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,
I will not beat about the bush here, I am a genius. I could tell so much about you at a glance you would run off crying. And therein lies the problem - I want to solve mysteries so complex, that people's heads would explode at their mere mention. However, the criminals where I live are few and far between, and even those ones are just petty thieves or something else horrendously dull. There's a serial killer loose in the academy I'm attending and staying t, yes, but I can only get on the crime scene by sneaking into it. Even then, I need somebody to get me in and out. I need something stimulating - I've already taken my frustration out on the wall (the wall had it coming).
Also, my assistant seems to have brought in a particularly attractive and prodigious girl to aid me. Not that I'm particularly interested in her, but how do I stop him falling in love with her, as so many others have done? I may be a sociopath, but I know enough to know he'll be distracted by her, and won't focus on his work. He knew what he was getting into, so how do I keep him in line without forcing him away from his work? I don't care about his feelings, if it helps.

Sebastian Baker


Sebastian,

Honestly, I suggest you get to her first, before he can even develop an interest. Sure, you may not want her, but if she's off the market, at least he won't be making googly eyes at her when he should be paying attention to work. If that doesn't work, make him fall for you instead and get him to do your bidding that way!


Your friend,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
((if you know who i based this person off of them i love you but if you dont then its alright im just wanting to post this because i wanted to see what you would say...this is one im going to use soon but i havent had the chance yet))

Dear Revi

Ok like I have this huge problem you see most of my family like drinks blood and stuff but i cant even look at blood without passing out. None of my family knows this because I usually take my dinner in my room that way I can eat and not have to see them drinking blood. I am so afraid of telling my family because I am afraid they will go batty and they are good at going batty. Now most of my friends know this fact about me but they are understanding and some of them even have me over for dinner just so i dont have to be near my family durring that time which means so much to me. What im asking is should I tell my father even if it means letting my father down please help me I am having a heck of a time trying to wrap my brain around all of this.

from
the vegan vampire


Vegan Vampire,

I think you most certainly should tell him. He very well might understand. Fathers are good at seeming like they won't, but they love their children and I am sure he will make every effort to help you with your dilemma. Trust your family. It sounds like they need you and you need them.

Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I am writing to confess first of all my great admiration for one of my fellow coworkers. That said, I think that perhaps I might have offended him in some of my previous actions (specifically, we had quite different views on whether or not a certain problem should be exterminated or dealt with more humanely and he's taking care of a rather problematic child). Despite all of this, I think he's pretty swell and I was wondering how you think I should make it up to him without apologizing, since I definitely don't think that I was wrong.

Sincerely,
A Silvery Issue


Silvery,

There are always flowers. Or a nice bottle of scotch. Scotch is the drink of admiration and unapologetic apology. Plus, then he will likely invite you in for a drink, and drinks are a wonderful way to get to know someone you admire without work pressure. Just don't get too drunk. Or do, and send your friend Dear Revi some pictures of the ensuing fun!


Looking forward to those pictures,

Revi