The Dear Revi Column

V

Vay

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi:

I have a problem. No its not really a problem its more a question. Ok it is a problem but also a question, forgive me English is mot my first language. About a week ago my friend got married. Hes the one who told me to write to you for advice since you helped him out. But the wedding wasn't the problem, he introduced me to one of the bridesmaids and she was a hottie and really into royalty to we hit it off and after a night in my room I offer her a week abourb my yatch, just her, me and a lot of sex.

Thats when things start to go wrong. It was meant to be a once off deal. The sex is great.. fucking amazing. And although we were wrecked on an island where there was a mad scientist who tried to turn us into human-animal hybrids that he escaped we really hit it off and now I've got her back at my place (my place being a mountain top castle with about 30 cars in the basement.. cars make her hot and we're about to have sex all over one of them) but heres the problem. I'm no longer happy with it being a no strings attached deal. Bribing her with dresses, jewels, a car and maybe a horse or two will only keep her here for so long. So without chaining her up (I'll suggest that to her anyway though don't you worry ;D) how do I get my sex kitten to stop wanting to wonder away from MY saucer of milk?

Yours

-Bronzed Almost Greek
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi:

I have a problem. No its not really a problem its more a question. Ok it is a problem but also a question, forgive me English is mot my first language. About a week ago my friend got married. Hes the one who told me to write to you for advice since you helped him out. But the wedding wasn't the problem, he introduced me to one of the bridesmaids and she was a hottie and really into royalty to we hit it off and after a night in my room I offer her a week abourb my yatch, just her, me and a lot of sex.

Thats when things start to go wrong. It was meant to be a once off deal. The sex is great.. fucking amazing. And although we were wrecked on an island where there was a mad scientist who tried to turn us into human-animal hybrids that he escaped we really hit it off and now I've got her back at my place (my place being a mountain top castle with about 30 cars in the basement.. cars make her hot and we're about to have sex all over one of them) but heres the problem. I'm no longer happy with it being a no strings attached deal. Bribing her with dresses, jewels, a car and maybe a horse or two will only keep her here for so long. So without chaining her up (I'll suggest that to her anyway though don't you worry ;D) how do I get my sex kitten to stop wanting to wonder away from MY saucer of milk?

Yours

-Bronzed Almost Greek


Almost Greek,

While it is true that girls like stuff, we also like honest, sexy men who admit a little vulnerability. Tell her you love her! Propose and promise the wedding of her dreams if you think it will help. THEN have sex on the hood of a classic car. I hear girls like stuff like that, anyway!


Sincerely,
Revi
 
H

Howling Winds of Doom

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

So, close you eyes for a moment and picture this: you're a street kid, living in back alleys, soup kitchens..the ghetto basically. But then, as you're crossing a bridge one night, hoping to catch a ride from someone, a rich couple of kids diced it's d be fun to jump into the river below..well..one of them does anyway. and she decides after you ave her life, to take you home! Crazy right? Well..turns out she's... not so nice. She introduced me to her friends at school and all they did was laugh and mock me! and did she or her brother, who clearly doesn't like me, help? No! they sat there and laughed at me!

Oh yeah, and they this maid, who I'm totally into! except...there's just one small problem, she doesn't hug people. I don't get it, but she's never once given me a hug. Everyone else in this family, but her.

So..I guess my question is really two fold: One, how can I show these rich.. snooty..bastards that I'm not to be fucked with like that again? I already tried to write them a poem, I'm a pretty good writer BTW, and I tried yelling and screaming, nothing's worked. and Second, How do I get this maid, who I totally want to ..ya know...later, to give me a hug?

Signed,

Poor Kid in A Rich house.
 
E

Elyd

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I have found myself in a different time, where people assume I'm... part of a circus. I looked up what that was before my twin took my computer. She is fascinated by history and so this affects her more than it does me. A circus appears to be a collection of mutated humans, and so the strange looks we receive do not linger as long as I'd like as people's eyes pass over us. My cold demeanor is part of the act, and therefore not thought of twice. I do not like being passed over.

Moreover, I am appalled at the condition I find myself in. I have studied physics. Time travel is impossible. However, wood does not exist, either, and here I am on the surface of something that appears to be like wood from the images I've seen. So, I ask you. How can I accept the impossible and understand how it became improbable instead?

Signed,
"Circus Freak"
 
V

Vay

Guest
Original poster
Dear Hotness Revi

So thers a girl.. I bet you get sick of hearing that. But its not about love or sex alright, Its not like that. Well.. Not entirely. Let me just lay this out.

I used to play in a crappy indie rock band. I meant we were really crappy, well in the sense that we got nowhere, because playing instruments was not what we were being payed to do. We were all assassins and the band was out cover to travel around. It made me late for a lot of shows which pissed off my manager (who is not in on the while thing) and then the band broke up since the label (also the guy to takes out contracts to shoot people) wanted it to happen. This lest our manager high and dry without a job.

Now shes been through a lot of jobs but she was good at this, so while crashing on her couch without asking (shes was cool with it once she stopped trying to kick me out) to make sure none of my ex band mates came around to silence her I hooked her up with a band I used to play with and let her manage them freelance, I guess I felt bad for her or something. Then she wants to sign me up and to stop her kicking e out I agree. I don't need to stay with her I have a much nicer place than her apartment out of town, shooting people pays well but I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

Its not because we slept together and I told her I'm a 'conflict resolution consultant' as my day job. Sleeping together wasn't even my idea, she was watching my show and made an idle wish about being able to sleep with rockstars while holding the genie lamp she though was nothing but a tacky teapot and we appeared in bed next to eachother. What are you going to do after that. I guess we could have snuggled like we've been doing for months. Thats besides the point. The point is I want to be a rock star, not an assassin, but if I try to quit boss with kill both Boss Tessa and myself. And even though we've gone back to just snuggling I don't want to keep my day job from my manager.

- Modernfansasy Rock Assassin

P.S.

WHATS SEXIER THAN A PANTHER AS A PET? NOTHING! THATS WHAT!
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I have found myself in a different time, where people assume I'm... part of a circus. I looked up what that was before my twin took my computer. She is fascinated by history and so this affects her more than it does me. A circus appears to be a collection of mutated humans, and so the strange looks we receive do not linger as long as I'd like as people's eyes pass over us. My cold demeanor is part of the act, and therefore not thought of twice. I do not like being passed over.

Moreover, I am appalled at the condition I find myself in. I have studied physics. Time travel is impossible. However, wood does not exist, either, and here I am on the surface of something that appears to be like wood from the images I've seen. So, I ask you. How can I accept the impossible and understand how it became improbable instead?

Signed,
"Circus Freak"

Circus Freak,

You have a chance to experience something great! Think of all the people who, daily, seek out the impossible and delude themselves into thinking that an image burnt into toast has meaning. Embrace it as a chance to explore new vistas, see new things. Write it all of as a dream if you have to, but think about it! The new people! The new sites! The new foods! The new chances to have a quick one night stand in the back of a victorian opera house! Enjoy it!

Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Hotness Revi

So thers a girl.. I bet you get sick of hearing that. But its not about love or sex alright, Its not like that. Well.. Not entirely. Let me just lay this out.

I used to play in a crappy indie rock band. I meant we were really crappy, well in the sense that we got nowhere, because playing instruments was not what we were being payed to do. We were all assassins and the band was out cover to travel around. It made me late for a lot of shows which pissed off my manager (who is not in on the while thing) and then the band broke up since the label (also the guy to takes out contracts to shoot people) wanted it to happen. This lest our manager high and dry without a job.

Now shes been through a lot of jobs but she was good at this, so while crashing on her couch without asking (shes was cool with it once she stopped trying to kick me out) to make sure none of my ex band mates came around to silence her I hooked her up with a band I used to play with and let her manage them freelance, I guess I felt bad for her or something. Then she wants to sign me up and to stop her kicking e out I agree. I don't need to stay with her I have a much nicer place than her apartment out of town, shooting people pays well but I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

Its not because we slept together and I told her I'm a 'conflict resolution consultant' as my day job. Sleeping together wasn't even my idea, she was watching my show and made an idle wish about being able to sleep with rockstars while holding the genie lamp she though was nothing but a tacky teapot and we appeared in bed next to eachother. What are you going to do after that. I guess we could have snuggled like we've been doing for months. Thats besides the point. The point is I want to be a rock star, not an assassin, but if I try to quit boss with kill both Boss Tessa and myself. And even though we've gone back to just snuggling I don't want to keep my day job from my manager.

- Modernfansasy Rock Assassin

P.S.

WHATS SEXIER THAN A PANTHER AS A PET? NOTHING! THATS WHAT!


Rock Assassin,

First off, can this sweet little columnist get a few free passes to a show? Second off, I think the answer is pretty clear. If you want to live the life of a rockstar, but your boss is a threat to your life, be a threat to his. I mean, come on, who's the trained assassin here. Besides, chicks dig hot rockstars who save their lives.

-Revi
 

Astaroth

[*screaming into the void intensifies*]
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Letter from the Editor:

Hello, Readers! While we understand that many of you are fans of Dear Revi and wish your letters answered, there are some topics that Dear Revi just refuses to answer. As she is the star of the column, we have to take this into account. Please do not send in any letters that deal with things that could be considered triggering material (if you have to ask whether your material is triggering, it probably is!), and please keep in mind that this is supposed to be a lighthearted advice column. Serious issues should be taken to a therapist!

If you aren't entirely sure what is taboo, here is a list (under spoilers) of topics it would be best to avoid:

Dubious consent in sexual situations, or non-consensual situations
Incest or other relationships involving possible abuse of power
Emotional or physical abuse
Anything else significantly dark or violent
Explicitly sexual advice

Thank you for your understanding on this matter. We look forwards to your letters!
 
O

Ochalla

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

So I have a delema, you see I'm a princess on the run. Not a runaway princess, don't worry about that, I'm on the run because the castle was overtaken so I'm going to seek help from my Aunt, who loves over the mountains, and it's winter. Yeah, this might not have been the best thought out plan, but it's not like I had much choice.

So here I am, lost in the woods, unsure if I have any pursuers, and I'm rescued by this man. He is without a doubt the sweetest man I've ever met. He's been living alone as a hermit though because, well, not to put it badly, but he's a monster. Not like bloodlust and killing sprees. Like I said I've never known anyone sweeter. He just sorta looks like he might be able to take on an army and win.

Anyways, he can't recall his age, but I was thinking maybe since he hasn't had one in such a long time once we get to my aunt's I throw him a party. What do you think? Should I have a theme? And what kind of present should I get him?

Sincerely the Stammering One.
 
I

Iskari

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I have a problem. You see, I'm imaginary.

That's right, I don't really exist. I'm all made up. When I have a problem and someone says "just use your imagination." They just don't realize that I have to use someone ELSE's imagination. And people always imagine me doing pretty weird things.

also, there's this girl I like. She's like a princess to me, except... well... she's actually a frog! Even if I kiss her! Not a real frog, but an imaginary frog of course. I'm sure you see my dilemma. I'm trying to hit it off with her, but I just can't imagine us together! I like her so much cause she's really inspiring to me.

But then there's this other gal, a lynx, who I also like. I'm sure a lot of people have imagined us together, cause that's happened before a lot too. Trouble is, she's from someone else's imagination! All this thinking makes me tired. What should I do to make all of this right?!

Sincerely, a Bat in your Belfry
 
K

Karsikan the Berzerker

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi


This is somewhat embarassing, but I can't think of anyone else I can ask

See I had this good thing going, world spanning cult just raking in the dough and all. Then this bimbo bangs my high priest and Boom everything goes down the shitter
My mate leaves me for some sugar-daddy elder god, worse yet, these two are hell bent on ruining my very existance


My question is,
How the hell do I piece my life back together?

Sincerely
-Totally Not a Sea God.
 
T

Tetsuri Tokai

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I love manga and I ordered a ton of them from your company. They were not the original ones from you company. Honestly, they were the wrong books all together!.I was hoping that you could look into this for me and help me out with this problem.

Sincerely,

The Ruby Thief
 
L

Layne

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I'm in need of some serious help, here. I just want to go out and live a happy, secluded life, and some guy waltzes in and turns it upside down. Worse, he wants me dead. But his eyes.. Unf. It's just not fair, Revi! I want to have my way with him and not have to worry about conflicting interests.. or getting a gun to the throat. But, more than that.. I think I might actually like him - and that's even scarier! Romance is definitely not something I do well. How am I supposed to convince him that we're on the same side and subtly nudge him toward a date too?!

Help!

-A Hacker
 
L

Laggy Lagiacrus

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,
I seem to have accidentally gotten my arm stuck in a brick wall. Getting it out isn't a problem - I can just smash the thing, no questions asked. However, people will begin to get a little suspicious, and I don't fancy paying a fine for vandalism. How do I get it out without alerting anyone, and how do I get away without anyone noticing my arms are unscathed?
 
P

Paorou-sama

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

People are so illogically angry at me when I've given them what they asked for?

They want excitement, and I give them front seats for their own impending demise.

They want to be heroes, so I give them suffering, torment and hordes of baddies to deal with.

Yet people can't seem to appreciate what I do for them.

Should I stop trying to help them?
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

So I have a delema, you see I'm a princess on the run. Not a runaway princess, don't worry about that, I'm on the run because the castle was overtaken so I'm going to seek help from my Aunt, who loves over the mountains, and it's winter. Yeah, this might not have been the best thought out plan, but it's not like I had much choice.

So here I am, lost in the woods, unsure if I have any pursuers, and I'm rescued by this man. He is without a doubt the sweetest man I've ever met. He's been living alone as a hermit though because, well, not to put it badly, but he's a monster. Not like bloodlust and killing sprees. Like I said I've never known anyone sweeter. He just sorta looks like he might be able to take on an army and win.

Anyways, he can't recall his age, but I was thinking maybe since he hasn't had one in such a long time once we get to my aunt's I throw him a party. What do you think? Should I have a theme? And what kind of present should I get him?

Sincerely the Stammering One.

Dear Stammering One,

I heartily endorse parties! I think you should have a wonderful party and make the theme something lighthearted and fun, possibly involving puppies. Just be careful who you invite. You might want to make it a small, trusted crowd. Included is the card of an excellent pastry chef who travels the realms looking for places to sell his wares. Tell him Dear Revi sent you!

Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I have a problem. You see, I'm imaginary.

That's right, I don't really exist. I'm all made up. When I have a problem and someone says "just use your imagination." They just don't realize that I have to use someone ELSE's imagination. And people always imagine me doing pretty weird things.

also, there's this girl I like. She's like a princess to me, except... well... she's actually a frog! Even if I kiss her! Not a real frog, but an imaginary frog of course. I'm sure you see my dilemma. I'm trying to hit it off with her, but I just can't imagine us together! I like her so much cause she's really inspiring to me.

But then there's this other gal, a lynx, who I also like. I'm sure a lot of people have imagined us together, cause that's happened before a lot too. Trouble is, she's from someone else's imagination! All this thinking makes me tired. What should I do to make all of this right?!

Sincerely, a Bat in your Belfry

Dear Bat,

Imagination is a tricky thing. Sadly, Dear Revi imagines a lot of things that don't come true. But, you are part of the imagination! I'd say the best way to make you happy is to get your imaginer's muse and her imaginer's muse together for some coffee. Remember, you don't have to imagine you and the girls together, their imaginers do. So bribe them (in a manner of speaking) with caffeine and chocolate and see what you get! Hell, you don't even have to do it. If your imaginer reads this enough for you to send in a letter, then he or she will see this and know just what to do!

Sincerely,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi


This is somewhat embarassing, but I can't think of anyone else I can ask

See I had this good thing going, world spanning cult just raking in the dough and all. Then this bimbo bangs my high priest and Boom everything goes down the shitter
My mate leaves me for some sugar-daddy elder god, worse yet, these two are hell bent on ruining my very existance


My question is,
How the hell do I piece my life back together?

Sincerely
-Totally Not a Sea God.

Dear Scary Being,

Seems like you are going to have to fend for yourself. I'd take into account basic needs-- worshippers, plenty of fishmen, a giant kraken or two, a pleasant dais to lounge on-- and then start working on the creature comforts. After all, one cannot build a world of chaos if one doesn't feel comfort in his own surroundings.

Your Truly,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I love manga and I ordered a ton of them from your company. They were not the original ones from you company. Honestly, they were the wrong books all together!.I was hoping that you could look into this for me and help me out with this problem.

Sincerely,

The Ruby Thief

Dear Ruby Thief,

Unfortunately, those weren't from our company. Jack in engineering (what, why shouldn't we have engineering? Everyone always says a newspaper needs to run like a well oiled machine) decided to sell his manga collection. Get in contact with our editor and she'll get you in contact with the now ex-engineer. Sorry, bud, but it looks like small claims court is in your future. My sincerest apologies.

Wishing you luck,

Revi
 
R

Revision

Guest
Original poster
Dear Revi,

I'm in need of some serious help, here. I just want to go out and live a happy, secluded life, and some guy waltzes in and turns it upside down. Worse, he wants me dead. But his eyes.. Unf. It's just not fair, Revi! I want to have my way with him and not have to worry about conflicting interests.. or getting a gun to the throat. But, more than that.. I think I might actually like him - and that's even scarier! Romance is definitely not something I do well. How am I supposed to convince him that we're on the same side and subtly nudge him toward a date too?!

Help!

-A Hacker

Dear Hacker,

I'll be honest, my first response is that you should try to kill him back just as hard as he tries to kill you. But, I suppose if you really want, tying him up and interrogating him for a day or two might work. Then again, it might not. Maybe you should see about expanding your dating pool, cause this guy seems like a real loser. If you have secluded yourself so much that he is a shining paragon of manhood, you might want to get out more. Either that or you should seduce him by candlelight, but that might just make things awkward.

Sincerely,

Revi
 
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