Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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I should give up.

Call it done and stop deluding myself that I am worth anything.
 
No LogicfromLogic, you may not have a peaceful life.

You must:

-Get surgery
-Plan a wedding
-Be oh so delighted to keep emailing shit off your computer because it crashed
-Get hacked
-Panic because of said hacking
-Deal with loss
-Stay out of your well paid for apartment due to work
-Deal with FA and get tossed around like a ping pong ball
-Get hounded to get paperwork done
-Get hounded for being hounded
-Get sick
-Get better only to get sicker
-Deal with people who want nothing more than to kick you in the nuts because of their own issues
-Go to Counseling which never helped in the first freakin place but you are fulfilling an oath
-Whiny sick babies puking on you on the bus and cleaning it up before a meeting, smelling of vomit your coworkers never look at you the same again
-Learning that you are over one thousand in the hole
-Struggle with your own issues
-Still learning how to deal with shit over the death of brother and a friend
-Staying up until 5 freakin AM because you have to send shit to yourself so you don't lose the eight years of paperwork on a practically screwed computer
-Assholes. Just fucking assholes.

I haven't been home in a month. I want to ask, but I am afraid to, so I won't even ask that question.

But seriously?! I feel like that guy who never seems to have good luck. Steps out the door; struck by lightening. Gets put on the EMT stretcher; gets dropped, breaks a leg. Gets to the hospital; quarantined. Gets shaved; cuts everywhere. Nurse spills orange juice; all over your cuts. Orange juice had high sugar content; infection. Infection: leads to loss of other leg. Losses job; becomes a one legged bum. Falls down the stairs.

Not quite that guy yet but starting to feel like somewhere along the line I've been not just thrown but the bus literally aimed at me.
 
kill me oh jesus christ my fucking head
-crawls into my grave- =_=
 
I don't think I can put with school anymore... I really can't stand it as I walk past people only to hear them laughing and whispering about me behind my back loud enough for me to hear. Why do they have to make things so obvious? Always pointing at me and describing what I look like to their friends as if I can't hear them. I'm not def... Why must they make my anxiety worse every time I try to make myself think differently? Why must they bring my self esteem down and deeper than where it already is. No matter how many times I try to get back up, there is always someone to put me down again.

Is it fun? Do they enjoy pointing out the flaws that are obvious to me? Should I apologize to them for being born this way? Will an apology satisfy them? It's not like I don't know... And it's not like their the only ones who told me that. I already have to put up with my family putting me down. Why must I deal with it in a place where I can finally be away from home? Now, I feel like I don't have anywhere else to feel at home without having to worrying about being judged for who I am... If not at home or school, then where is it that I really belong? I really hate myself....
 
Petty? Maybe. But still very much rage inducing.

This villain lackey is sooooo stupid. I mean… Ok, you're standing in a puddle of water, and the man is threatening to drop an electrical cable in if you don't put down your gun. You put down the gun, which is understandable. Then he asks his partner, who is not trained in any sort of way, to go get the gun. Meaning she is now in the water with you.

Now, WHY WOULD YOU JUST STAND THERE!? With her in the water, YOU have the advantage! Her partner is not gonna electrocute her as well. Grab the gun, grab her, and BOOM! No more threat! YOU CAN WALK OUT OF THIS AND FINISH THE JOB!

GAAAAH!

I hate villains like this. Even if they're just stupid lackeys, they shouldn't be THIS stupid.
 
Okay, I get it.

I've just come out, I'm emotionally vulnerable and being basically disowned by your brother for straying gout of the norms of society hurts. I knew at least one person close to me would and that was a sacrifice I was willing to make but I still want to crawl into a hole and wish that this wasn't real. That i was "normal" so I could be happy for once in my life instead of this constant uphill battle with no clear way out. I'm sorry i can't live a lie just to make those around me feel better.

I'm tired, so so tired of everything seeming like more trouble than it's worth. Feeling like I'm living the same day, over, and over, and over again. Getting up, seeing if there is running water, showering if there is, going to a job I hate, do everything at with NO support what so ever and do the jobs of three people while taking the blame for everything and have NO opportunity for advancement because this country is full of jealous racist dickholes. Having a lunch that is so meager it always seems to leave me hungrier but it's all I can afford, and then having the same for dinner and going home with no one there but two cats to keep me company.

I can't make friends here. I am and will always will be nothing more than a "falang", an outsider. A one person petting zoo for people to gawk at and point at.

But still I carry on. I know what I need to be happy and with every step forwards there's three back and I feel if I go back to how things were before I came out with nothing but misery and feeling like a trespasser under my own skin then there's only one way out.
 
Tell me, please, do I have a sign that says kick me, use me, lie to me?
 
I'm getting so annoyed with someone being a brat and treating me like crap because a situation changed. I thought they grew up? I hate that this is getting under my nerves. I wish things would be chill between us.
 
Please please please stop and be good brainweasels. I can't handle this anymore.
 
I am tired of being me. No matter how tired I am of such I can never seem to find the willpower or ambition to change. This likely comes from years of working up to feeling like I can change my lot in life only to have something come along and completely crush the attempt. I have no one to really blame for this but myself.

It's stupid, I know this.
 
Goddammit! Last night I went to go get a drink and turn on the heater and I end up falling. And my roommate is at work and of course, of course, it has to be a bad one. One of the ones that made almost everyone in my family tell me living by myself was a bad idea (even though I did it for three years before moving) because no one would be there to help me and make sure I was okay. And of course it happens when my roommate is at work.

I slammed down onto my kneecap, skinned the top of my hand and nearly pulled a chair down on top of me and almost whacked my head on the edge of my wheelchair's foot-rest. I knocked the wind out of myself, almost puked, nearly passed out and had to stay curled up in the fetal position for ten minutes because my limbs felt like rubber and wouldn't hold me.

I still can't put much - to any- weight on my left leg without falling to the floor in pain.

I fucking hate my CP sometimes
 
Don't you hate it when some people that you roleplay with get all bitchy when you drop out of the roleplay? At least a good month ago I joined this group roleplay, and then a few days after I joined it my uncle died. So I had to help pay for the funeral, drive all the way to Washington state, come back, AND go back to school.. and the GM of the roleplay preceded to PM me: "Ok, fine. Heal the guy and then disappear to heaven or some shit. You shouldn't have joined if this was going to happen. If it's also something else, Bunny, don't hold it in, tell me. Really wanted all my characters to stay but you leaving is really going to put a serious dent in my role play..." and alot of other stuff. I'm not naming names, but it's idiotic to do that. If I have to drop out, I do.
 
Gaaaah. Shaw, seriously, you're a great company and we love you, but this is the third time this month you've had to come look at our internet. Are we doing something wrong? Is our house eating your hardware? Or is something faulty?


Also, water was never meant to be inhaled. Christ on pogo stick, my lungs hurt.
 
Yay! Social anxiety! :D This I can (and have been) deal with. What I can't deal with are as follows:

-Myself being myself.
-The fact that my ability to feel normal emotions around others is almost completely disappearing lately.
-An unsupportive family who demands support from me, regardless of the consequences for my own health and sanity.
-A boyfriend who would rather spend over $500 on truck parts that he doesn't need instead of saving up for rent, food, and other expenses like that.
-A body that decides becoming deathly ill is better than being a healthy contributing person to society and earning my regular paychecks so I don't have to nag my 21 year old boyfriend that he needs to learn to save money.
-The fact that it is taking 4+ years to convict someone who confessed to his crime the day he woke up from ICU.
-A brain that is sick and tired of dealing with everyone else's drama/bullcrap when no one will help me with mine.

So, for the months that I've been gone, that is what I have been dealing with, along with a lot more that I'm not going to post here, and I've decided that maybe enough is enough. Things are iffy....and will remain iffy until they are better. I've come back to try and see if I can gain back come sanity/humanity for myself and maybe have my friends accept me again, because I find it ultimately confusing that I can fond comfort with friends from places I don't even know/never been to and the only thing I find with my RL friends is drama (which is putting it mildly), hurt, and betrayal.

God knows I may have burned more bridges than I intended...but the time I've been away I've been literally nothing but a person sitting on a couch lost in my own mind while trying to pretend I'm still human. Call me overly dramatic, but that's really what it has been like. Whether I was trying to find myself again, looking for a good enough distraction from mistakes I've made, or trying not to go insane, I've always found that writing and creating stories is something that has helped me. So here I am, back and hopefully on the road to finding the normal Mittens again.
 
I hate it when, you role play, you send them like a multi para post, and they give you a one liner post, its annoying at times, at least tell me you one line before you role play -.-
 
For the last time.

Les Miserables was a great musical, but it is FICTION.

'this was a good movie, and i liked it, but there were SO MANY HISTORICAL BLUNDERS'

Where is this book that stated that this movie was historically correct? Tell me, enlighten me, of who jean ValJean was, and all the other characters were. name the books he was in, and how you were taught it in high school.

Where is this book I seek?


I wish to beat you with it.
 
I'm not mad... I'm upset.

I'm close to tears and trying to hold it together because my friend is out doing stuff and I have not much else to turn to- least the alcohol's gone...

It's stupid to be crying over my brother, it's really stupid to be crying over my brother. But when he was picking on me and hurting me, at least I knew he knew I existed... at least he made an attempt.

So that's it. I don't get notified- I get second-hand news that my brother's moving to the other side of the states. Congrats, enjoy this job you're getting, bro...

Every time I try to talk to him when I'm within distance, he doesn't treat me well anymore, he just... shoots me down, constantly... And it hurts.

But he was here at least. And so was the girls and the wife- but now he's moving and soon, so will they- they'll come down every once in a while... but... I've become irrelevant it seems. Figures, I don't even have what it takes to garner easy attention like money. And my parents are saying how they're disappointed in his behavior towards me.

If disappointment did anything, that would be great.

My brother's an ass, this is well known- especially shown through the actions of my adopting friends into a family sense, seeing them as closer kin than him. And... I've lost one good friend over the years, who I considered my best friend and brother- and what did my fucking family-brother do? Tell me to buck up, it's not that important, why am I crying?

The fact that, that was the first of two times that I heard that after my best friend's death, really took it out on me.

But... I thought surely shit could get repaired between us....

But it's not. All it is... is divide, and resentment and anger and spite. That's all I get from him.

I just want to fix things, and every time I have tried, I get rebuffed. I get hurt.

He didn't even have the decency to come to the one time that I MIGHT HAVE DIED IN A HOSPITAL WHEN I WAS EIGHTEEN, and I didn't mind that, because that's how he is... but... now it's all kinda building up.

I just want my brother...
 
When you see other people's lives, their childhood photos, their "flawless" happy memories, and you can't help but hate them. You hate them because they have something that was unrightfully taken from you. They still dwell in their own blissful naive ignorance, while you had your childhood ripped from you. You were forced to mature at too early of an age. Playing in the snow? No. Family get together? Yeah, my moms funeral. Family dinner? Yeah, you're joking, right?

No, all you people who have semi functional families and are loved by your parents… you all are fucking lucky. And you all take that for granted. Nothing is worse than feeling unsafe and unloved in your own home. It can make you a very bitter person. And sometimes you just have to fucking rant, to tell the world how selfish and fucked up it is. And maybe you should take a moment and feel grateful that your dad never hit you, never touched you in a way that made you uncomfortable. And that your mother didn't die because of her drug addiction. Be grateful that you can talk at the dinner table instead of sitting alone or in complete and utter silence. Because some people are jealous of that. Some people would kill to have what you have. And some people are in mental hospitals on suicide watch because they don't have what you have.
 
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