Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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I am the master of coming up with excuses for my emotions. I was at dinner with my family and had just been struck with a wave of depression. My parents had asked me to unload the dishwasher after dinner. I wasn't able to finish my food. My mother commented that I'd been doing that fairly often lately, and that I should take less food than normal. I just gave her a "mmm" and left it at that. After spending a few minutes to think out my excuse, I just said I wasn't feeling too well - waving a hand around my stomach - and asked if it'd be ok if I took a nap and dealt with it later in the evening. I've perfected the strong unshakable facade and I'm afraid to drop it even around my own parents. I hold myself to an absurd and unattainable standard. I consider myself fortunate that I didn't curl up into a ball and start crying before I got back to my room and locked the door.

Oh, and me staring at my plate and giving a "mmm" as my only response? It could be, and probably was, taken just as a sign that I was feeling physically unwell like I said - which is what part of me wanted. In reality, that is the closest I can get to communicating my feelings to someone else. I can only accurately display my feelings after establishing a false pretense by which my display will be misunderstood in the manner of my choosing.
 
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Fuck being an adult. >:[
 
All the Rp's I ever join with great RP'rs die out. It fucking sucks because I put my all into it and really get into it and then just done, it falls over, no one is interested anymore.
I'm really upset that happens.
 
Some of the reasons for my recent and sudden emotional crash?

-Grandmother died a few weeks ago, the second grandparent to do so in recent years. I don't know if it's even fully hit me yet.
-I spent two years of my life being fucked over in the Army. Those of you with an understanding of the military might be thinking "I didn't think the Army had two year contracts," and you'd be right. Ostensibly I was separated due to "patterns of misconduct" but it was really just my NCOs viewing me as dead weight after I took longer than they were willing to wait to recover from a surgery I had pushed on me.
-Speaking of spending two years being treated like garbage by people who thought much more highly of their medical knowledge than they ought to... I had to have a third surgery after getting out because of all the mishandling that went on while I was in. I have a great case to sue them to cover my medical bills, change my discharge status, and get credit for attaining my MOS. I just really want to move forward with my life though and I know that that court case would be nothing but reliving the worst two years of my life for who knows how long.
-I have a group of people that I really don't know why I subject myself to them. I have almost nothing in common with them, and one topic of conversation that comes up often just upsets me and none of them know because I don't want them to know. One of them does know and makes a token effort to steer the conversation away from it, but... well I called it a token effort for a reason.
-After two years of goofing around in college, getting myself a GPA of 0.67, spending another two years getting fucked over in the Army, and then coming back to give college another try, I've managed to get on the dean's list two semesters in a row. This semester I'm back to struggling to get my work done. One of my classes, which my advisor talked me into taking (he probably thought he was doing me a favor since Bio isn't in my major and an easier class would be good for my GPA) is so boring it is physically painful to sit through and try to focus in. It is a high school level science class.
 
lolololol
fuck you brain
and fuck you eyes
for what you see and
no one else sees how you see.

I wish I could see myself how everyone else sees me.
 
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I want a drink. I want to feel that cool, crisp burn of whiskey down my throat. I want that damn bottle in my hand while I am out and having fun with friends. I want to be able to forget those drudging memories for a sliver of a day and be loose, care-free. I don't want to feel the anxiety closing in on me, feel like I have no one in this world who will listen, who I can talk to, and who won't offer a "simple solution" like it is so easy to be perfect. I just want someone to listen. I just want to feel alive -- in a good way. I just want a damn drink.
 
^ Hun,you are speaking my language.

I didn't get interviewed today- they didn't even have the decency to call me up to not bother getting gussied up and drive over. I gt there, waited for fifteen minutes or so past the registered time for my interview. Friend who works there was psyching me up, telling me I got this, no problem. I was starting to just get the tiniest bit less anxious, and then he told me someone was coming to fetch me, I was told where to wait... and then this guy came up, telling me we should talk outside the store.

I had been flagged as hostile for a voicemail I had left a few days ago during the debacle of trying to get in contact with the person who wanted to interview me. The whole damned thing was automated, and there was no line for "Possible job hire, looking for _____" I had left a few, but I had been careful, I know I wasn't "Hostile" I might have accidentally swore slightly, but I was scared and frightened. I explained that to the man. He said I didn't look hostile and he'll review the voicemail, but still... it's like a punch to the gut.

I'm not hostile, I can talk shit, but I won't fucking be hostile or aggressive if it would deny me access to what I'm trying to attain. I can get angry and frustrated, and sure, sometimes I can get pissy- but I'm not hostile.

I am however, sinking back into that cozy little dark spot of my head again where every voice tells me I'm shit, and worthless, and why did I even bother.

I want all the alcohol in the apartment. I want to eat my weight. I want anything, I just want to not feel like.... this.

If I had been interviewed and told "no", I could take that, but this? No... no, this is not even close to fair. I don't know what to do with this.
 
I just...

...

I just want to go back to bed. I feel so sick of people disappointing and upsetting me. My heart is beating so fast that it hurts, and I just hacked up more vomit than I care to describe. I'm just glad I have the decency to fall apart away from my son's sights. Seeing me like this will just hurt him and make him grow up thinking there's so much wrong with his mother.

I can't stop crying, either. He's over there crying, too, because he has to be taken care of. Keep it together, mama. Be strong for you baby, come on... *exhausted sigh* Man, I'm also glad that I know how to fake it so well.
 
I hate being in the house alone. There's no one else's voices to hear but my own. They won't shut up, and I don't like what they say. No matter how loud the music is, I hear them.

And the worst part is some of what they say is completely true.

O! Sweet insanity, why must thy freeing embrace hurt my heart so?
 
You robbed my 94 year old grandmother and stole a $250.00 sewing cabinet that was from her son's, who died when he turned 23, inheritance?

Oh if I find you thief (better hope a rabid honey badger does first).
 
Fuck. My. Life.
 
Ya know,
I know it's cheesy, and superficial.
But..
I just.. really would value if someone other than my mom.. and family.. told me
"I love you, Staci."
As in a significant other.
As in in person.
As in when I'm thinking it, and just wonder if you are too.

It.. is real dumb.. but it just kinda kills me inside when I don't know if you feel it too.. and want to say it. Even if you do feel it..
Say it.. please.
 
I am so tired of being forgotten. I need someone to talk to, and I understand they have lives to lived but I've dropped everything for them when they needed someone...why can't it be the other way around sometimes? All I wanted was for someone to say, "It sucks, and it hurts, but you are stronger than that shit." Sometimes I need to hear it, because telling myself the same thing...there is always that little smudge of doubt, holding me in darkness.

I am struggling. I want the normal life of 20-something year old. To not have to worry about alcoholism, drug addiction, or even if I am going to have a home within the next week. It feels like I'm in a constant battle with the universe. Over and over again, no matter what road I take. What am I doing wrong?
 
Holy fuck.

Have I become so fragile that "You're no fun." is hurtful? Its a joke. A goddamn joke.

I can't tell if it bothers me because it reaffirms my own belief that I AM boring, or because it was said by someone I have an unhealthy attachment to...
 
I don't understand something.

Why is hatred so much easier to do, than love? why is beating the hell out of that sixteen year old kid for being gay more acceptable than him holding his lover's hand? What kind of world are we bringing our children up in, where love is taboo yet picking up a gun, or knife and hurting another being so much better? It hurts me to think that the children in my life, my nieces, nephews, my friends kids should be subjected to believing that a weapon is the answer to your problems rather than trying to understand your enemies, and letting that anger go long enough for peace.


Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now.
 
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We have been together for three years. Three whole fucking years, and I could say, you made me into the best damn person I am today. You fixed me. You seen me at my worst and helped me pick the pieces up and put them back together to bring me back to my best. You loved me for that, and I loved you for that.

But, funny how shit happens after Valentine's Day, right? How I happened to find out at the worst fucking time?

You promised me. You promised me that you loved me, and to think you broke that promise, my pieces are slowly ripping themselves apart. I can't eat, I can't sleep without waking up every hour, I don't want to move out of bed, it hurts to even breathe knowing I'm not the person you want anymore. You got fussy when I spoke to other people, not in a controlling way, but I knew how self conscious you were and I did my best to show you that you were the best damn person in the entire world. But to think you've been talking to people behind my back the entire time and to tell me it's my fault? To have your own mother tell me it's my fault? How do you expect me to be alright with that? How do you expect me to function like a human being anymore knowing I'm not the person you wanted in the end?

Damn how I miss you. I can't turn around and find you there anymore.
I can't sit and watch television without bursting into tears.
I can't play games without wishing you would teach me.
I can't touch my phone, I can't listen to my music.
I can't wake up and find you there sleeping.

I'm an entire, fucking mess, and it's all thanks to you.
Thank you for the journey I can look back on.
 
I'm dead on the inside and I plan to be the same on the outside very soon...
 
I really would like a new face.
Can I have a new face?
No?
Well, fuck you, cruel fate.
 
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