"hey hows it going" and easy phrase to say am i right? WRONG!
even if english is my first language, what the fuck is this fucking confidenceless self esteem shattering shit of a thought that causes me to freeze up you say?
'well, i dont want to be a dickhead and spoil her night, or worse still, start some sort of confrontation with some drunk fucknugget'
yup.
thats the sole 'no nuts, guts or bravery' reason i cant talk to chicks im attracted to, and that leads to me to clam up and just look from across rooms and shit.
FUCKSHITFUCKFUCK!
it makes me rage so fucking hard when that happens, almost like when i get that fucking haklf stutter, where i know what i want to say, but my mouth wont co-operate and i end up looking like a fucking fish.
man i swear too much. and on the topic of swearing, why do i seem to be saying C**t so often, i ahte the word, i fucking loath it, and yet somehow its working its way into my everyday work jargon.
for fucks sake, just coz im a tradie doesnt mean i ahve to swear.
but back on the main rager, the never had a relationship one.
right about npow is where i start telling myself that what im going through is nothing, and that im mentally weak for thinking such a triviality is a major deal.
but i can never convince myself.
y'know what, lets do a history of my dealings with chicks in a romantic sense.
had a crush on a girl in grade 3-4, was told that she'd like me if i lost wieght and was into sport, so for a coupla hours/days i tried to change, then decided "fuck it" and switched on uinrequited mode.
grades 5-6 had crushes on 1 or 2 other girls, nothing came of it other than ridicule and manipulation.
year 7, too busy dealing with the whole "all boys schools suck" deal
year 7 part 2, redoing year seven, finding out i had ADHD and starting on the ritalin, good times, chairs thrown across the room, verbal fights with whole gangs of people in the year above me, the beggining of what i call me "knight complex"
year 8: nuttin on the romance front, but a whole lot of learing about how not to crack the shits.
year 9: MAJOR crush on a girl, gaining confidence from Rex Hunt's autobiography, I tell her that despiter having these feelings, I knew she didnt like me that way and that id rather be freinds than let things get awkward.
was rewarded with a "thats sweet" and a hug. (easiest let down ever.)
year 10: moving on, knight complex taking control (looking at the worlkd as black and white a corrupt place that must be fixed or destroyed)
still have that crush.
year 11: crush diminished by a host of other feelings, like anger at the world and the dickheads in it, a whole lotm more reflection and (in my view) self growth.
11/12 INTERIM: in the christmas hollidays, i do some work for my freinds dad, end up living away from home for work.
go to a pub, get blind trying to work up the courage to talk to this girl, finally after around 12 vodka and energy drinks and a shot of whiskey, i ask if i can by her a drink.
she says yes!
thus i bring back the drink, and stand there for a while thinking of what to say, if anything.
then i hear "fuck off" from either her or her freind
"okay" i slurr meekly, before doing just that.
year 12: crush on a girl i'd known for all 6 years, mostly she annoyed and aggrevated me, but towards the end i started to like that...(fucked i know) too gutless to tell her so nothing happened.
this year: seen so many people ive been attracted to yet said nothing out of gutlessness.
see, its not like ive had anyone try to hurt me, or had anything terrible happen in my life, so ive got fuck all to complain about, yet still i feel this black bitterness.
you could call it an emptiness of the soul if you wanted to be poetic/emo, but i prefer to think of it as just plain olf frustration.
others are usually no help either.
"you'll find someone"
"just be yourself"
"gotta get out there to find someone"
hip hip hoorah.
thank you captain obvious brigade.
usually these people have had relationships fall into their fucking lap.
some good some il, yet all have felt some sort of reciprocated attraction.
not me though.
i dont give a fuck if im the butt of peoples jokes because of the way i act when im bored, i dont give two shits about what most people think of me, im just sick of being lonely.
that said, i msut reiterate that my life has been fucking good barring the 'love' side of things.