The pair returned back to the main cave. It was sleep time for the two dragons, but not for Matt, who functioned during the day. While they slept, he made his way back to the mouth of the cave, and sat, with his legs dangling over the side. He'd woken this morning with a heaviness pressing on his chest. He'd tried alone time to help waver it, and though it hadn't really worked, he'd joined the other two again for a breakfast. Now that they were asleep again, though, the feeling flowed again to the surface. He'd already determined that his depression was spiking again, for no real good reason. It came as no real surprise to him, as it always did come and go. Graham leaving could have triggered it, and probably did have something to do with it. However, he had no intention of telling anyone just how severe it tended to get. He knew, in the end, it had been the depression that had caused Graham to leave, he knew. It was a heavy responsibility that got exhausting, even for happy people. And precisely for this reason, Matt found it absolutely impertinent that he not talk about it. Ever. Especially around Arianna, whom he wanted to be happy very very much.
That didn't stop the feelings from rising to the surface though. He had been quite good about keeping himself busy while here. And he'd done well. Graham had thought he was doing well, when he'd first come. Graham must have sensed the depression returning though. Before even Matt had. He knew others cared about him. They had said so. But at the moment, his brain was making it incredibly difficult for him to believe it. He had had enough experience with depression to know that this was the depression warping his thoughts. But depression was also a very very convincing demon.
He hated the selfishness of his thoughts. And he wondered briefly why he had worried about falling in the crack in the cave. If it had been a tragic accident then no one could be to blame, and he wouldn't be so selfish. He felt fairly certain that Elder would figure it out soon enough. At times it seemed he could read his mind. Dragons had some strange magic that way, as he had learned as time went on. But he didn't want anyone to know. And he wished very much that he could hold his thoughts as private as they were in his future human world, where dragons (apparently) did not exist.
He'd used to be open about these feelings. But in the end, eventually, when they started to arise and he'd been open, it made everyone uncomfortable. It crossed his mind briefly that if he let himself go off the edge of the cliff, at least he wasn't leaving Arianna without care, then hated himself even more for having such a thought. He'd done well here. And Arianna had given his life meaning. He'd literally gone more than a year in her company without a suicidal thought which was some kind of record. But it was bound to catch up and catch up it did.
He sighed, afraid to look back at the two sleeping dragons. Afraid they would know the terrible things that had crossed his mind just now. He was afraid Arianna would wake, sensing some sort of disruption in his mood and come to him, making his heart melt and pull him back to the world he should be in, where his responsibilities should lie. Where his life was required.
He glanced over the side of the cliff again and pinched hard at the skin at his forearm to bring him back to this world. It was terrifying how badly he wanted to do it in this moment. He pinched his arm again, causing a bruise to form almost instantly. It eased the temptation, somehow and he found the strength to get up and move himself to the back of the cave, where the edge wasn't so near that he could be easily swayed. There he pulled his knees to his chest, and cried quietly, absent-mindedly pinching at his arms to keep himself grounded as best as he could and willed the darkness in his mind to please please go away.
