- Invitation Status
- Look for groups
- Looking for partners
- Posting Speed
- 1-3 posts per week
- One post per week
- Online Availability
- I live here.
- Writing Levels
- Douche
- Preferred Character Gender
- No Preferences
Mr. T Krakowski, a man about 65 years old, looked at the tea like it might be poison. Mostly because he though it might seriously be poison. He wore a wife beater under an unbuttoned blue Hawaiian shirt (he says it's from Hawaii, but it's actually from Wal-Mart). He wore old grey cargo shorts cause he needed the pockets for... stuff. His feet were clad in combat boots that looked like they'd been to Vietnam and back... and that's not just a metaphor. Nothing's a metaphor when it comes to Old Man Krakowski.
"This here tea's made-a what, ya say? Well, T. Krakowski don't drink no tea. No, I only drinks if it comes outta a plastic bottle I filled from the well I dug under me house. Can't drink that stuff they give ya at the store no more!"
Please tell me about yourself.
"I was in 'Nam, ya know? AND I was in Korea! And the Gulf too! Me, I musta killed me about, uhhh... five million people. Yeah that seems about right. T. Krakowski, five million KIA's," he nudges his interviewer and winks, "and a couple'a MIA's if ya know what I mean. Yes ma'am, I like to consider myself a man of action. I ain't never gone more than two weeks without threatening to kill something me whole life. Used ta' be better in the 60's though. Back then you could shoot a man if you had a good enough excuse. Nowadays they got all that civil rights bullshit. And before ya gotta ask, yes, I been to the 60's more'n once. Yes ma'am, if there were ever a man made to kill shit, that'd be ol' man Krakowski right here. I killed a dinosaur once, ya know."
What is a typical day like for you?
"Well, first thing I do is wake up from dreams of extra-dimensional terrors too monstrous for the human mind to comprehend without surrenderin' its sanity. Then I go back to bed cause it's too goddamn early to get up at three in the mornin' and I don't know how to change my alarm clock no more. Uhh, les'see now, then I get up at four in the mornin' cause four means death in Chinese and that's ol' Krakowski's lucky number. I got four a' everything. I got four beds in ma' bedroom, four stoves in ma' kitchen, four shirts from Hawaii like this one, four pairs a' boots, four aw-to-matic rifles (of varying makers and models), four M1911's I stole from the armory before they kicked me outta the army, four copies o' Fight Club (that's my second favorite movie), and two double barreled shotguns cause two and two makes four. Wait, I'm gettin' off track here, where was I? Oh yeah! After I get outta bed, I make me some breakfast outta the MRE's I buy from that guy on 58th Street. I only eat MRE's for breakfast cause a' reasons you don't need ta know. Then I watch TV while I polish the kids."
"Oh, the kids are them guns I mentioned earlier. I call 'em kids cause I love 'em more than me own kids. I don't even know what happened to my real kids and I don't care. Wait, do I have kids? I dunno, but I got my babies inside my closet. Well I got little baby Barbie with me. This here's Barbie, say hi Barbie," he places an old handgun (one of the 1911's he mentioned earlier) on the table. He's carved pictures of cats on the slide, "Barbie likes cats. The others are Robert, Gabriela, Susanne, Woo-Ching, Martie, Tiffany, Fay, Sir Thumplebuck, and Ivan."
"Shit, hang on, I got off track again. Okay, so I polish the kids, then I take a shower and swear a lot cause my shower ain't got no warm water and I haven't gotten around to buying a new boiler since I used my last one to kill that guy those cultists summoned or something like that. By then, the sun's comin' up, so I go out and do my errands. I mow the lawn, clean the stoves, watch for gnomes, walk to the corner store and buy more liquor if I'm runnin' out, or rob the corner store if I don't got no money for liquor (guy there's real nice, he don't mind). Then I do some... business. You don't need to know about that. It's my business and business is booming. Anywho, my evenings are when I got some free time, so I got lots to choose from. Sometimes I hang around that high school a couple'a streets over and sit in my car and pretend to shoot the teenagers. Sometimes I meet up with that drug store guy and we hunt the spawn o' Hastur. Sometimes I watch Fight Club. And I used to hunt in the woods behind my house, but Sheriff Dunn keeps arresting me. Says it's illegal to hunt deer with an M16 and that I'm being obvious by yelling and running around anyway, but he's full a' shit. Then night comes around and I gotta get inside for reasons. Usually just have some dinner and go to bed."
What do you do when you are not doing what you regularly do?
"Ahh, ya know. Fightin' Asian people, huntin' ancient gods, watchin' for those mole men, eatin' spaghetti (that's one o' my favorite foods, but I only eat it once a month), time travelin' with that weirdo guy, bitchin' about CNN, buying more MRE's. See, I try to incorporate everything into my daily routine so nothin's ain't regular to me. Oh, but sometimes I like to go campin' in the woods with the kids. The good kids, not the ones that might not exist. S'not really much to say here."
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 to 10 years?
"Shit, I don't know. Probably dead. I got lots goin' for me, but this world's gettin' tiresome. Now them white castles I seen around, them's some nice places, wouldn't mind spendin' some time there. Or even better! Fightin' in another war, that'll be good. Maybe against the North Koreans. Now, I'd stay for! Goddamn if ain't shot me some Asian people in a while. Course I can't get to none o' that before I finish some o' ma business I got."
Do you have a special someone in your life right now?
"Course I do! I got Barbie, Robert, Gabriela, Susanne, Woo-Ching, Martie, Tiffany, Fay, Sir Thumplebuck, and Ivan. I got that drug store guy, Mr. Green, the fella who kicks people outta the bar, that nurse who'd keep yellin' at me ta take my meds when I was in the crazy house for a while, I got Brendan, I got some guy I see on Cedar Ave. with the hives on his face, there's the- oh you meant special, special. Hmm.. well... I got one. But she's made'a Scotch tape and duck feathers and I hang her up on my wall. She don't talk much, but I like the shy type. I'm thinkin' about makin' a second one, but don't tell 'er that, or I'll have to stab ya with ma' boot knife so ya know not to do it again!
"Anymore questions? No? Well alright-y then. If you'll excuse me, I gots important stuff to do of the 4th kind..."
"This here tea's made-a what, ya say? Well, T. Krakowski don't drink no tea. No, I only drinks if it comes outta a plastic bottle I filled from the well I dug under me house. Can't drink that stuff they give ya at the store no more!"
Please tell me about yourself.
"I was in 'Nam, ya know? AND I was in Korea! And the Gulf too! Me, I musta killed me about, uhhh... five million people. Yeah that seems about right. T. Krakowski, five million KIA's," he nudges his interviewer and winks, "and a couple'a MIA's if ya know what I mean. Yes ma'am, I like to consider myself a man of action. I ain't never gone more than two weeks without threatening to kill something me whole life. Used ta' be better in the 60's though. Back then you could shoot a man if you had a good enough excuse. Nowadays they got all that civil rights bullshit. And before ya gotta ask, yes, I been to the 60's more'n once. Yes ma'am, if there were ever a man made to kill shit, that'd be ol' man Krakowski right here. I killed a dinosaur once, ya know."
What is a typical day like for you?
"Well, first thing I do is wake up from dreams of extra-dimensional terrors too monstrous for the human mind to comprehend without surrenderin' its sanity. Then I go back to bed cause it's too goddamn early to get up at three in the mornin' and I don't know how to change my alarm clock no more. Uhh, les'see now, then I get up at four in the mornin' cause four means death in Chinese and that's ol' Krakowski's lucky number. I got four a' everything. I got four beds in ma' bedroom, four stoves in ma' kitchen, four shirts from Hawaii like this one, four pairs a' boots, four aw-to-matic rifles (of varying makers and models), four M1911's I stole from the armory before they kicked me outta the army, four copies o' Fight Club (that's my second favorite movie), and two double barreled shotguns cause two and two makes four. Wait, I'm gettin' off track here, where was I? Oh yeah! After I get outta bed, I make me some breakfast outta the MRE's I buy from that guy on 58th Street. I only eat MRE's for breakfast cause a' reasons you don't need ta know. Then I watch TV while I polish the kids."
"Oh, the kids are them guns I mentioned earlier. I call 'em kids cause I love 'em more than me own kids. I don't even know what happened to my real kids and I don't care. Wait, do I have kids? I dunno, but I got my babies inside my closet. Well I got little baby Barbie with me. This here's Barbie, say hi Barbie," he places an old handgun (one of the 1911's he mentioned earlier) on the table. He's carved pictures of cats on the slide, "Barbie likes cats. The others are Robert, Gabriela, Susanne, Woo-Ching, Martie, Tiffany, Fay, Sir Thumplebuck, and Ivan."
"Shit, hang on, I got off track again. Okay, so I polish the kids, then I take a shower and swear a lot cause my shower ain't got no warm water and I haven't gotten around to buying a new boiler since I used my last one to kill that guy those cultists summoned or something like that. By then, the sun's comin' up, so I go out and do my errands. I mow the lawn, clean the stoves, watch for gnomes, walk to the corner store and buy more liquor if I'm runnin' out, or rob the corner store if I don't got no money for liquor (guy there's real nice, he don't mind). Then I do some... business. You don't need to know about that. It's my business and business is booming. Anywho, my evenings are when I got some free time, so I got lots to choose from. Sometimes I hang around that high school a couple'a streets over and sit in my car and pretend to shoot the teenagers. Sometimes I meet up with that drug store guy and we hunt the spawn o' Hastur. Sometimes I watch Fight Club. And I used to hunt in the woods behind my house, but Sheriff Dunn keeps arresting me. Says it's illegal to hunt deer with an M16 and that I'm being obvious by yelling and running around anyway, but he's full a' shit. Then night comes around and I gotta get inside for reasons. Usually just have some dinner and go to bed."
What do you do when you are not doing what you regularly do?
"Ahh, ya know. Fightin' Asian people, huntin' ancient gods, watchin' for those mole men, eatin' spaghetti (that's one o' my favorite foods, but I only eat it once a month), time travelin' with that weirdo guy, bitchin' about CNN, buying more MRE's. See, I try to incorporate everything into my daily routine so nothin's ain't regular to me. Oh, but sometimes I like to go campin' in the woods with the kids. The good kids, not the ones that might not exist. S'not really much to say here."
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 to 10 years?
"Shit, I don't know. Probably dead. I got lots goin' for me, but this world's gettin' tiresome. Now them white castles I seen around, them's some nice places, wouldn't mind spendin' some time there. Or even better! Fightin' in another war, that'll be good. Maybe against the North Koreans. Now, I'd stay for! Goddamn if ain't shot me some Asian people in a while. Course I can't get to none o' that before I finish some o' ma business I got."
Do you have a special someone in your life right now?
"Course I do! I got Barbie, Robert, Gabriela, Susanne, Woo-Ching, Martie, Tiffany, Fay, Sir Thumplebuck, and Ivan. I got that drug store guy, Mr. Green, the fella who kicks people outta the bar, that nurse who'd keep yellin' at me ta take my meds when I was in the crazy house for a while, I got Brendan, I got some guy I see on Cedar Ave. with the hives on his face, there's the- oh you meant special, special. Hmm.. well... I got one. But she's made'a Scotch tape and duck feathers and I hang her up on my wall. She don't talk much, but I like the shy type. I'm thinkin' about makin' a second one, but don't tell 'er that, or I'll have to stab ya with ma' boot knife so ya know not to do it again!
"Anymore questions? No? Well alright-y then. If you'll excuse me, I gots important stuff to do of the 4th kind..."