Afraid of Losing You {AcornTree}

Status
Not open for further replies.
When he asked his question, Hope furrowed her brows and lifted her head so that she could get a better look at William, pinching her lips together as she thought back to her mind of what she had read, and heard, about any of the side effects that the chemo would have. What had the doctor said again? Really, it had been such a blur in her mind at the time that she hadn't really been listening to what was being said other than the fact that he had cancer, which in turned instantly brought her mind to the fact that he may die from this no matter what. The thought alone was enough to make her swallow in that moment as she shook her head and tightened her hold a little more on William. A side effect? Death. Another side effect? He could live, and the cancer could go away. But she didn't want to bring that up, because she felt as if that wasn't what he was talking about or what he wanted to get at.

"I don't know," she answered honestly as she shrugged her shoulders gently before they slumped her frame over a bit. "I wasn't listening to the doctor too much when she talked about what could happen, and I didn't read in the papers of the side effects, so, no, I guess I didn't." She paused again and furrowed her brows. "I can already just assume that weakness and loss of weight an appetite will come with it, as well as an array of other things, right? But... What are you trying to get at? What are you talking about?"
 
William listened as she suggested some of the side effects. He swallowed thickly and then sighed. He almost didn't want to say it. He almost just wanted to tell Hope to forget about it. Especially since he literally had no idea what she was going to say, or what her reaction to it would be in general.

"Children." He answered. He frowned and rubbed at his nose, not looking at Hope for a few moments. "This treatment... might make that impossible. Even if it works and even if I get out of the hospital that could still be taken away..." William glanced down at Jazzy. The more he spoke about it the more he wished he hadn't brought it up. What were they going to do about it? Nothing. It wasn't like they could afford a child right now, and he might not even be around for it and then Hope wouldn't have the time or the money. He should have said nothing... but it was weighing on his mind. He could leave the world without a kid, or live and not be able to father children.
 
"Children"

Now that certainly had come as a surprise to Hope to hear. As soon as the word left his mouth, her body froze as her eyes widened and her breath stilled. Children? What did children have to do with this? When she thought about it, it made her remember the night before when they were out with a few of his friends, and how they seemed so insistent on the two getting married and having kids soon, and then she remembered her even thinking about that, though not anytime soon. True, the thoughts of the future had been more in her mind at that moment and the moments after they learned that he had cancer, and she even thought to herself that when, and if, he survived this and was done with the cancer, hopefully forever, then they would talk about kids seriously, and maybe then she would even bring up a conversation about marriage, but was it still too soon to think about? They had yet to really talk about either of those topics seriously, them only having mentioned them a few times here and there and at some point in their early relationship when they wanted to figure out if their ideas for the future worked with one another.

Hope wanted kids, and she wanted to get married, but not for a while. The both of them were still young, and while there was no doubt in her mind that William was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and have children with, it was still a lot to think about. It was a big step, and really at that point she knew she wasn't ready for kids; she figured that William wasn't ready either, given everything that he, and they, were going through at the moment. But even besides that Hope knew that it would be too soon. All they had, and could really afford without having to worry about them going broke or having to cut corners with everything financial wise, was the one bedroom and bathroom apartment that they lived in, and it was a small place. Enough for the two of them and Jazzy, of course. But other than that? They weren't really ready for much.

They had only been dating for three, almost four, years. While she didn't want to believe it, she knew that anything could happen between the two of them, given how they were both young and how they both could just branch off from one another due to many reasons. It happened all the time; their relationship was still young, and while she had the utmost confidence in the both of them and that they were right for each other, thinking about getting married and having kids seemed too soon. She wanted it, yes, but not for at least another four or five years, children wise anyway. Marriage could come in maybe two or three years, but she figured that the two of them still needed time.

Taking a breath, after she listened to the rest of what he said Hope leaned back and unwrapped her arms from around William's shoulders, though still kept her hands on his arm to let him know that she wasn't pulling away from him because of this. It was just, now, time for a serious conversation that dealt with the cancer and what could or couldn't happen if he survived it. "I mean... It..." What could she say about this? It was a worrying thought that he may become infertile because of everything, and honestly, now that she thought about it, it scared her. What if that did happen? "There are always other options that we could take when, and if," because, unfortunately, there certainly was an if factor pertaining to the situation, "you get through this well and if you can't... If you become infertile." There was always adoption, but that could take years and it may never happen, and there was always sperm donors, but Hope didn't want to do that because she didn't want another man's genetics running through her and her child. There were also test and procedures that could be done to help the problem, but that cost money, a lot of it. So what would they do if that happened? Just not have kids? She didn't like that idea. But, then again, she didn't like the idea of going about having kids any other way that the 'normal' way to have kids, and with William no less.

"... Do you want kids in the future? I know I've asked you this before, but maybe it's time to have a serious conversation about it." One of the hands on his arm tightened a bit before she relaxed it as she looked at William, wanting, wishing that he would look at her for this. "What if you aren't able to produce children if you get through this without the cancer coming back?"
 
Last edited:
William's eyes fluttered closed as the initial silence between them stretched and lingered. He didn't realize it, but he was clenching his teeth pretty hard as Hope started to speak. The longer this went on, the longer he felt like he should not have said anything about this. He regretted it terribly. What was the point of bringing it up, when neither of them could do anything about it and they weren't ready now? He wanted to blurt out in the middle of her question that he was sorry, and to not think any more about it, but he didn't. Instead, he let Hope say what she wanted, quiet as she asked him if he wanted kids, and that maybe they should talk about it.

He swallowed thickly and kept his eyes closed. "I want kids in the future..." He answered. "I know not now. Not with... everything that's happening... but. Its just. I'm just... scared. That it might not happen. I don't... It probably sounds stupid, but what if I don't make it and then there's no part of me left here or... what if I do but I can't anymore? I want children, I want my children and I know that there's no way now... I don't know why I brought it up its just...." He shook his head.

This cancer was interfering with everything, whether he made it through or not. Sure, there was always the best case scenario. He made it through treatment with no lasting effects... but how lucky was he really? He had already been unlucky enough to get cancer in the first place. William's hands balled into fists. It wasn't fair. He was supposed to have his whole life ahead of him, and not have to worry about whether or not he would even get to see a child that he had made or not. "Its not fair..."

It was a stupid and useless thing to say, but William was feeling both of those things in that moment.
 
It wasn't fair. Hope agreed with that claim fully because she had even thought of it herself throughout the past days that they had known about the cancer that resided within William. But as she let the words of what he said before process through her mind, she grew even more sad because before she hadn't even thought about all of this. Before, she used to think that the cancer just wasn't fair because William was a young, honest guy who had so much to live for and had so much potential to bring to this world. But know she realized that it was unfair in so many things; it was unfair that he would have to go through what he was going to have to go through, even if he made it out of this alive and well because she knew that there would always be a fear about the cancer, and she had a feeling that there would always be something there to remind them of the fact. Whether or not that would be him ever going back to normal or him just never being able to have kids or him even dying because of this, something was always going to be there to tell them and remind them of the past.

She felt more tears well in her eyes in that moment, and she turned her head to look down at her lap so that he wouldn't see them. "I know it's not fair," she croaked out, nodding her head before she leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes. Calm down, she told herself. She couldn't let this break her. Not right now, not in this moment because they needed to talk about this. They needed to get through this together so that they could figure out what to do, or what not to do. "But I know we can't do anything about it."

There was a part of her that thought about him preserving and saving his sperm, because that was a thing, right? Hope felt as if she had heard something like that before, and, really, that could save them so many issues! But she, in the long run, decided not to say anything about it. It was too late in the game to do anything; he would be going to the hospital on Friday, and tomorrow was Thursday and his parents and sister were even going to be coming down. There as no doubt in her mind that they would question why they wanted to do something like that in the first place. But among all of that she figured that it wasn't as easy as she wanted to think that it would be. They would probably have to talk to a doctor, make appointments, have him take test, and then finally he would be able to do something about it if he actually could... That took too much time. That took weeks to accomplish, and in weeks William was still going to be in the hospital with chemo well in his system at that point. Not to mention the fact that it probably cost money to do all of that, money that they really didn't have and money that they really couldn't afford to waste on something that, even if he was able to do it, may not even work.

She didn't know if there was any other way to go about it that may help for the future. All they really could do, she figured, was hope that he made it through and was able to have kids after it was all said and done. "William I don't know what to say; I don't know what to do about this because we really can't do anything about this now." Unless they wanted to try for kids now, but she knew that even he knew, because it admitted it, that it was too soon and they were in no way ready for having any kids. Besides, she had an IUD in her anyway, so unless she got it taken out by her doctor tomorrow she wasn't having kids for the next five years unless something happened and she ended up getting pregnant on the very little chance that she could. She turned and looked at him then, the hand on his arm tightening her hold a little. "I know you're scared, because I'm scared too because I want kids in the future with you; I want your kids. But... If you make it out of this alive but be unable to have kids... Then so be it, as sad as that is to say." As her voice shook, a tear slipped from her eyes but she used her free hand to wipe them away. But if he made it out alive with no more cancer in a few years, would she even care that they couldn't have kids together if it ended up that way? Would she really be that upset about it if William had his health and life?

"Right now..." She paused and took a breath, sighing gently. "You just need to worry about your health. That's what's important right now."
 
William knew that Hope was right, as hard as it was to hear. There was nothing they could do about it. He had been telling himself the same thing, but it was still different to hear from someone else. It was different still to hear it from Hope. Some small part of William was still holding out for something that they could do. Some plan, some... small measure of insurance even. He reached up to rub the tears away from his eyes. He didn't want to cry, but this was getting so difficult.

He opened his eyes after he rubbed them, glancing up at Hope and then away again towards Jazzy. "Yeah..." He answered flatly, his voice a little deeper and darker than he meant for it to be. "I know. You're right." He attempted to rebound with his tone, but he hardly managed that. William shook his head and then sighed. "Never mind. What else should we talk about?" They might as well move on to another topic. Still cancer, probably, but not children and cancer. Something else and cancer. William was done with it for now.
 
Frowning heavily, Hope licked her lips and looked back down at the ground and sniffed to herself before she wiped at her eyes again. She didn't like the tone that came from William; that didn't sound like him in the least bit and it scared her to hear it. What was happening to him, what was going to happen to him in the coming days with being stuck in the hospital? There was a part of her mind that told her that he may become depressed, to which she would completely understand if that did happen, however she didn't like the thought of it. The William she knew wasn't depressed; the William she knew was an upbeat man who had so much ambition in life because he knew he could do something and because he knew that he could do good. But... What if he changed, even if he made it through this? What if he was no longer that person? Then what would she do, how would she be able to cope with that?

"I don't know." What else was there to really talk about? A lot, Hope figured, but they were things that she didn't want to talk about. Hell, to be honest she, now, didn't want to talk about the cancer at all because she didn't even want to think about it. But she knew that they had to talk; she knew that this was one of the ways that they were, hopefully, going to get through this, along with many other ways that they would figure out in the future. "We need to talk about your hospital stay, and you just staying there for the time that you're going to be there." Biting her lip after she spoke, Hope finally turned and looked back at William.

"I know I'm not going to be able to stay there every night with you because I have to come back here and take care of Jazzy, and I know that they're are probably going to be times when I just can't come because I'll have a shoot to do." Hopefully anyway. With the way her mind was wired she had a hard time believing that she would even really be able to concentrate long enough on a shoot to actually do it any justice. That was why she was so worried about Saturday, because was she really going to be able to do it? No, she couldn't think like that. It may be a thought in her mind, but she knew that she had to do it. She had to keep bringing in the money because William wasn't going to be able to work for... She didn't know how long. And now that she thought about that, it was a little bit of a worrying thought. Of course Hope knew that, even if William wasn't going to get paid, she was going to be able to keep up with the bills without them having to worry about it unless something happened, and she knew that she would be able to bring groceries as well, but... It just wouldn't be as much as what they were able to bring now, and they wouldn't really be able to go out to eat or do too many things that would generally cost something. They were more than likely going to have to start cutting corners, and while she was okay with doing that, it still worried her nonetheless.

But then she told herself that she always had a little bit of insurance; the money that she was using to save for her business. She didn't want to use it, of course, but if she had to she knew that she would. The summer months were coming about the soon though, and that generally was a good thing for Hope; business usually got busier at the time with people having marriages a lot during the warm months. So as long as she was able to get into those, she figured that she, or they rather, would be okay. But that was still a few months away.

"I don't want to keep you there alone, but I don't know if I'll really be able to help it. But... With you and work... You're on an unpaid leave, right?"
 
William was quiet as Hope spoke. This was so tiring already. He had no idea how he was going to deal with everything when things truely got started. That would likely be tomorrow, despite not going to the hospital until Friday. He wondered if his parents would be chill enough to just let himself and Hope go at first. Probably not. He ran his hands through his hair as Hope reminded him that she couldn't stay with him overnight very often, and might not be there every weekend either. He nodded a little.

"I have a few sick days I can use first." He answered. "Not many though. And then I think it rolls over to unpaid, yes." He responded with a frown. Things were going to be so tight as far as money went. He had no idea what the chemo was going to cost, or anything else. His insurance should cover some of it, but who knew how much this was really going to cost? Thinking about the money aspect of it was almost petrifying. How were they ever going to keep their head above water?

Like most people who knew what they were doing with money and not so bad off that they were forced to spend all of it, he did try to save some of his paycheck. It wasn't much, but it was something. He didn't doubt that it would be gone by the time his month was up. "I've got a little money saved up..." He voiced. "But... I have no idea how much any of this is going to cost... I..." He shook his head. How did America get away with making people pay for life or death treatments?
 
So the majority of the time he was gone he was going to be on an unpaid leave? That wasn't a good thing, but thinking about that only served to remind of Hope the conversation that they had before back at the cafe. He said that he didn't want her helping with the payments that would come from the hospital because of the treatment, yet if he was going to be going on an unpaid leave, how did he expect to pay for it himself? Even if he assured her that he had some money saved up, she still felt as if it was still going to hurt his bank account, maybe even drain it to the point where he really wouldn't be able to do anything because he didn't have any money. That wasn't a settling thought in her mind, and it caused her to fold her hands together as she took a breath to try and calm herself. "Then how do you expect to pay for all of this yourself?" She asked, finally asking the question as she picked her head up to look at him.

She turned to give him a serious look, furrowing her brows as she straightened her back and readied herself to talk. "I mean, if you're going to go with a month on unpaid leave, how do you expect to pay off the hospital bills by yourself when you don't have any money coming in? And then we have to take into consideration that you're probably not going to be going back to work right after you get out of the hospital unless you somehow, miraculously are well and fine and can go back to work." She didn't want to talk about this with him, but she knew that it had to be said. She didn't want to continuously remind of him of the fact that he wouldn't get paid either, but she knew that it had to be said. And really, she hated the tone that she gave off to him in that moment, one that was serious with hardly any empathy in it. She wanted to be empathetic with him, but this was serious. They had to think about this in the long term run, just as they had thought about kids in the long run and what could or couldn't happen with that.

"The school year is almost over with, and if you don't go back to work before it's over, you won't have anything to do for the summer. I don't know how much any of this is going to cost either, and I don't know how much your insurance is going to help out with the cost, but the fact of the matter is is that it may be a lot that you have to pay, and you probably won't be working." She paused again and breathed out a sigh, her eyes looking away from her then to look back at the ground. "How much money do you have saved up?"
 
When Hope asked how he expected to pay for everything, he subconsciously grit his teeth. He did not appreciate the question or the way she said it. As she straightened, he did too. Hope went on with what she was saying, he was not happy with Hope then. He knew that that was normal. He knew that Hope was asking from a place of concern for him. It didn't make it any less upsetting. William also knew that he and Hope would not always get along, or be happy with one another. It was still hard to be upset with her though.

"Hope, I will figure it out." He answered, ignoring her question of how much he had saved up. "I know its going to be a lot but I can figure it out. I'll call my insurance and I'll call the hospital too and I'll figure it out." The way he saw it, if he wasn't with Hope he'd have to do that anyway. He absolutely refused to bring Hope into the money aspect of this. He wouldn't suck away her resources like that. He refused to even think about talking about it with Hope. It was not a conversation he was willing to have.
 
He'll figure it all out; he'll be the one to deal with all of this... But what about her? Even if Hope figured that she was more than likely going to be more of a moral and emotional support beam for William rather than a financial supporter, it still bothered her nonetheless that he was pushing her off so easily about the matter. Sure, she was going to be the one paying the bills for the apartment for the month, but, when she thought about it, would it not be longer than a month that she was going to have to pay the bills around the place? Of course she didn't mind doing it as long as she was going to be able to do it, but when it really came down to it she figured that William should at least be willing to talk openly about all of this because of what she was going to be doing. After all, without her, would he be able to keep this place? It was a sad thought to think, and it only increased her drive to want to pay the bills to the place because she didn't want William to have to lose it, but what would have happened had she not been here to do it?

She huffed out a breath as she folded her arms over her chest, her head turning to look at William as she blinked her eyes at him slowly. "And what if you can't figure it out?" She swallowed after speaking the question, furrowing her brows as she bit the inside of her cheek. It wasn't that she didn't have confidence in the man to figure it out, because she did, but it was still the principal of the matter; sometimes, someone needed others to help. It just made Hope wonder whether or not he would go to her for help or to someone else. "What if you have to have help with all of the bills from the hospital? Then what are you going to do? Still tell me that you don't need my help and that you can figure it out?" There was a bit of an edge to her tone as she spoke, something she tried to bite back yet was unable to do so in the long run.

"I know you don't want me getting sucked into all of this, and maybe I won't even be able to help with the bills from the hospital because I'll be worrying about trying to keep this apartment for you and trying to keep my phone on, but don't completely blow me off like this. My money is my money, and I can decide what to use it for." She remembered him saying that he would be more upset and stressed if she helped in any regards with trying to pay for the treatment, but Hope knew that if she saw him struggling with the demands for the money it was only going to stress and worry her completely. No, she didn't think he was going to be able to help him out much, but if she could she would.
 
William grit his teeth a little harder when Hope didn't drop it like he was hoping she would if he put his foot down on the subject. "There are professionals that can help." He answered flatly. "Avenues to go down, programs to try out, I'm sure." He responded. Not that he had done any research on it at all, but that wasn't the point. He had plenty of time to do research while he was holed up puking his guts out in the hospital.

"And then, even after all that, if I still need help I'm still not going to ask you for it, Hope." He just wouldn't. He almost couldn't do that to her. "I'll ask my parents first. You don't need to help me on this, you keep your money focused on yourself. Your right, its your money and you can decide what to use it for, but you can't decide to use it on my hospital bills because I'm not going to let you. They're my hospital bills and I'm not going to add you to that account." Maybe what he was saying was harsh, but he refused to take all of Hope's money like that. He just would not do it.
 
Hope hated what this argument was turning into, but what could she do? It was obvious to her that William wasn't going to let up on the subject, and while she didn't want to drop the subject either, she figured that it would probably be best, unfortunately. This was not something that should make them argue; they were supposed to be coming together during this time, not growing farther apart! True, she hadn't seen any breaks within their relationship over the past couple of days, because really she had seen them becoming a little closer, maybe unhealthy so, to one another, but wasn't something like that bound to happen? Were they not bound to grow a little distant from one another because of everything that was going to be happening? Even the strongest couple, she knew, tended to crack under pressure. It just took a stronger couple to make it through those cracks and the pressure.

She just hoped that they had to will to do so.

After a while of not saying anything and of just letting William's words bounce through her mind, Hope turned and looked away from him and back at the ground and at Jazzy. The dog was still laying stretched out across the floor in the position that she had been in since her and William went to sit on the couch, but now instead of having her head in between her paws her head was lifted and looking in their direction, a look that seemed to ask if they were okay. No, Hope wanted to answer, they weren't okay. She wasn't okay, and William certainly wasn't okay. She ran a hand across her face and sucked in a breath, held it there, and then gently let it out. She hated this. Why did this have to happen to them? "Fine," she finally weakly spoke out as she dropped her hand back in her lap, her back hunched over a bit as she rested her elbows on her knees. "I won't help." In a sense it was almost the mirrored words that she had spoken to him when they were back at the cafe, and again she couldn't help but tell herself that if she saw him in too much trouble she would do anything she could to help, no matter what he said and no matter if it upset him. She wasn't going to just sit back and do nothing if she could help it.

With another short breath she picked her head to look up then, her eyes going over to the window. The darkness of the night had finally come upon them and the lights that littered the apartment complex kept the place lit up. "I don't know what else to talk about." She shrugged her shoulders before she decided to stand from the couch and look down at William. "Maybe we should just leave things be for now; we're tired, and it's been a long day and tomorrow's going to be a long one too." And she could tell that the tension in the room wasn't going to be going down at any point, so why continue to talk when all they were more than likely going to do was argue?
 
William took no happiness or pride in the fact that he had, essentially, won out on this topic. At least for now. He didn't like arguing with Hope, and hearing her sound defeated was not a fun thing for him. He let out a soft breath as Hope got up and to her feet. He didn't want to go to bed with such tension. Like her, however, he wasn't sure what else to talk about. He hesitated as he looked up at her, frowning a little.

"I don't like arguing with you..." He told her, not getting up to his feet just yet. He ran a hand across his face and then back through his hair, frowning and looking away from her and towards Jazzy instead. the little dog got to her feet, expecting William to do the same since Hope had gotten up too. "I'm sorry... I just... can't." He couldn't come to her for help with financial things. Wasn't everything else enough?

He looked up at Hope again. "Tomorrow is going to be a long day." He echoed Hope, supporting that claim. "And I'm just... already so tired...." Of everything.
 
Even though she wanted to, Hope didn't turn to look at William when he spoke back up to her. But while she didn't turn to look at him, she didn't walk away from him either and instead stayed in her place, placing her hands against her hips as she bit her lip and looked down at the ground. What were they supposed to do? Even if she figured that the financial issues were the only thing that they were arguing about at the time, what if more things came up? Or what if the financial issues became so much that they could do nothing but yell and argue with one another about it? No, that couldn't happen. Hope wasn't going to let that happen because that wasn't the type of stress that William needed his mind. When he was underway with the chemo, she didn't want him to worry about anything, but what could she do?

Not complain, she reasoned with herself. Not to argue with him and just agree with what he said and what he wanted her to do. It seemed like a terrible way of coping with things, but what if that was what she had to do? Then... She would do it, even if she hated it. Even if she hated herself for it in the long run. As long as it made William feel better, then she would be fine, and she was sure that she would eventually get over the fact that she would be lying to him. All of it would be to make him happy. All of it would be to make sure that he was a state of mind that would help him get through this treatment so that he could beat this cancer so that he could live...

But what was going to keep her happy and sane?

"I know. I'm tired too." But she knew that the state of their fatigue was different from one another, even if she felt as if the two of them were both mentally and physically drained to the point of exhaustion. "And I don't like arguing with you either; I never have, and I never will." But arguments were bound to happen, even if they weren't going through what they were going through now. "But sometimes it can't be helped, and you know that." There was another moment of silence as she finally picked her head up and looked at the ceiling as she let the silence envelope them. Again she told herself that she hated the air that was around the apartment now, and it only served to remind her of how quickly things were changing in their lives.

Eventually she turned her body and face William, her shoulders slumped and her eyes barely looking at him. "Why don't we just go to bed? You need your rest." She extended out a hand to him, ready to help him up if he wanted it, ready to lead him back to the room so that they could let the rest of the night overtake them and bring them into the morning and next day that was inevitably on its way.
 
William did know that, but that didn't mean that it had to drag on, or hang in the air with them either. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He wanted to tell Hope that he had no interest in going to bed, but that would only lead to another argument. He took her hand instead, letting her help him up. He studied her face a moment as she lead the two of them back to bed. Jazzy was bounding along behind them, right on their heels to the point that William nearly tripped up on her before they made it to the bedroom.

Once they did, William let go of Hope's hand. He took off his shirt and pants, putting them in the laundry. He was thinking of doing that before he went to the hospital, just so that Hope wouldn't have to one more time. He didn't bother putting on anything, just keeping his boxers on. In the hospital he'd likely be in pajamas most of the time anyway, so there was no point in wearing them now.

Before he got into bed, William's eyes traveled over to Hope again. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I am sorry." He knew he was being a stickler about it, but he wasn't going to change his mind.
 
The silence between them as they made their way to the bedroom wasn't making her feel any better about anything, and really when she held William's hand it was only a loose hold, something that was beginning to irk her in that moment as well. Normally, when ever she held his hand, even if it was for a short time, she always held it tightly. But now... She was almost afraid to. She was afraid that he wouldn't want to hold her hand, and she was afraid that she may hold onto him too tightly. Even if she knew that he wasn't any weaker than he was yesterday, she still couldn't help but think that he may be, because who knew what the cancer was silently doing to him in that moment? It was a terrifying thought. What if he woke up again like he had last Saturday that landed him in the hospital? What if something else happened because the cancer was doing something to him that they didn't know about?

Hope didn't want to think about that.

When their hands were disconnected, she looked down at her empty hand and stopped, landing herself in the middle of the room where she blew out a sigh and watched as Jazzy continued on in the room to follow William. She hopped onto the bed shortly after, padding her feet across the comforter as she wagged her tail and looked in the direction of her owners. Hope looked up at the dog for a second before she frowned and turned to look away, herself then heading over to the dressers as she pulled out a pair of night clothes for herself. Really, she didn't feel like doing anything in that moment; she felt numb even, and that wasn't a feeling that she wanted to have. But when she finally heard William speak up, breaking the silence that had come over the two, she stopped with what she was doing and rested her hands against the dresser. She didn't want to look at him, though she knew where he was, but even so she closed her eyes and nodded her head. "I know you are. I am too." But the tone in her voice still wasn't what it normally was, not with it being void of the emotions that she normally had with her. She just couldn't muster the energy, even if she knew that William was sorry about it all, but what was she sorry for? Sorry for the fact that he was sick; sorry for the fact that she, really, couldn't do much to help him which made her feel helpless. She was just... Sorry for him.

"I'm going to go take a shower," she spoke again as she cleared her throat and finally turned to look at William. "Just holler for me if you need anything." And with that she turned and headed towards the bathroom, for once, because it wasn't something that she normally did, closing the door behind her as she began to undress and reached for the nozzle to get the water going. This night, she knew, certainly wasn't going to be like the past two, and it was a sad realization for her.
 
William watched as Hope moved into the bathroom, not saying anything else. When she did not invite him to take a shower also, he tried not to be disappointed. It wasn't like they did that EVERY time, but he was kind of hoping tonight would be a night for that. He looked at Jazzy as she wagged her tail and then sighed, collapsing face down onto the bed next to the little dog. She instantly got up and started licking William's face, and he did nothing to discourage her.

Eventually Jazzy grew tired of licking William's face, and instead curled up next to him. William let out a soft sigh. He used to love these quiet moments between things that were happening. Like now. Now he just hated them. Now those moments were filled with unease and fear and trying to hold back both tears and thoughts about cancer.

Why was cancer even a thing? He reached up to brush a hand over his eyes. Jazzy whined at him gently so he moved his hand to pet her instead. This placated the dog, and he wished that it placated him too but it didn't. He was only growing more upset as he lied there.
 
How much longer was this going to be going on for, and what was going to happen to them in the future? Hope wanted to have confidence in their relationship, because she knew that it was strong and because she did have confidence in the two of them, but tonight, and then the night a few nights ago when they argued and never really found a conclusion, made her think about it. Things were only going to get harder from here on out, and with the amount of time that she knew they would be spending away from each other because of him being in the hospital... It made her wonder if they could make it.

She tried to push the thoughts aside though as she stepped into the shower, letting the warm water hit her as it cascaded down her body. For an entire month they weren't going to be able to sleep in the same bed together, for an entire month they weren't going to be able to go on any dates with each other, and for an entire month William was going to continue to get weaker and weaker, and Hope was afraid for what they would mean in the future. She knew that him being away fro a month was going to be rough just because he wasn't going to be there, but what if he was going to be allowed to come home after the month, yet he still be weak and unable to really do anything other than stay in the apartment in bed to make sure that he didn't get sick and because he just was too weak to do anything? That would hurt her too. No, she felt that that would hurt worse than him being away, because she wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him being locked away inside, at home, when that was supposed to mean he was supposed to be better.

Hope wasn't under the impression that this was only going to last one month. She knew that, more than likely, this whole process was going to take a while and she knew that it was going to take a while to get back to their normal lives, but would something like that ever happen? She was afraid to think not.

When she finished washing herself off, she turned the shower off and started to dry off, looking at herself in the mirror shortly after. Her eyes were still red from the silent crying she had been doing in the shower, and because of the sight she took longer to get out of the bathroom, just so that William wouldn't have to see her like that and just so that he wouldn't know that she had been crying while in the shower. She stepped out in her night clothes and looked at the bed, watching as Jazzy picked her head up to look in Hope's direction before she lifted her head back down to William. Hope breathed out a sigh, going back over to what she had thought about in the shower and of their relationship. She promised him that she wasn't going to leave him because of this; she promised him that she was always going to be there for him no matter what because she loved him and because she wasn't going to let him go through this alone. And she meant that. No matter what happened, she was always going to be there for him through this because she didn't want him to go through this alone. She wasn't going to let him go through this alone as long as she was still alive and breathing.

Her throat started to tighten with emotions at that point, Hope sniffing lightly to herself before she turned and went to the closet to put the towel away. So much for trying not to cry while near him; so much for the effort she took to make sure that her eyes weren't red anymore, because now they were beginning to fill right back up with tears. She left the closet and headed over to the bed, going to rest on the other side of William than Jazzy was on as she climbed onto the mattress to reach him. She reached with one of her arms and rested it over William while she moved her other hand to curl against his back as she rested her head on his back as well, right under his neck.

"I love you," she said in a soft weak voice, a whisper that was barely able to be heard, really. "You know that, and you know that nothing will ever change that, right?" She sniffed again, leaning more into William as she tried to get more of his warmth. "No matter what we argue about or how many times we argue, and no matter about this cancer... I love you, and I always will and nothing will change that." More tears had come from her eyes at that point, but this time she didn't try to stop them or hide them. "I know I haven't been that helpful because I keep crying and I keep arguing with you about something and because I'm just so pissed off that this is happening to you... And I'm sorry for that. I'm just afraid for what might happen to you..."
 
William didn't look at Hope when she came out of the bathroom, but he did shift a little so that she wouldn't freak out and think he had passed out or something. He could hear her sniffling, and he sighed softly himself. He hated how easily this had come between them. Even if they'd both said sorry it was still there, between them. He put a hand over his face and let out another sigh, shaking his head somewhat.

He wasn't good at this. He wasn't good at saying how he felt or accepting that he was sick or letting people fuss over him or any of that. William wasn't built to be sick, especially not this sick. He felt and heard Hope get onto the bed behind him, putting her arms around him. His eyes were starting to water too, now that he heard how upset Hope was again. Her words were just what he needed to hear. Even if he already knew what she was saying. He shifted, turning so that he was facing towards Hope instead of her pressing against his back. He put his arm around her too, blinking back tears but not succeeding in keeping them at bay.

"I love you too. I know." He shook his head a little and then looked up at her. "I don't want you... to never cry or never get upset... thats not good for either of us." He hesitated, looking down towards her chest but not actually looking at her chest. it was just where his eyes fell when he looked down. "I'm afraid too."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom
Back