Blind Hemingway

Ancient Iwaku Scum from 2006.
Original poster
Posting Speed
  1. Slow As Molasses
Online Availability
Writing Levels
  1. Adept
  2. Douche
Preferred Character Gender
  1. Primarily Prefer Female
Surrealism, Surreal Horror (Think Tim Burton), Steampunk, Sci-Fi Fantasy, Spaghetti Westerns, Mercenaries, Dieselpunk, Cyberpunk, Historical fantasies
Episode One: Rough Year

[ame=""]YouTube- 02 Pulse Beat[/ame]

“Oz, what’s the story for tonight?” The Major asked.

Looking in the mirror Redhawk sat adjusting the turkey feathers in his head band. Oz sat along side his former commander tapping away on his computer searching for any kind of cash reward for bounty hunting. It had been a rough economic year on the Moon once again. The Moon, now more commonly called Terra 2.0, was one of those places where outcasts from society lived. These days living on Earth was only for the upper class who could afford to pay the high living costs.

“There’s a warrant for the arrest of the Swifty Gang. 1300 Spacebucks.” Oz responded.

“Only 1300? That seems to be a waste of time.” Redhawk said.

“Well if we are going to go hunting for big game, it’d be better to find a location with better bad guys.” Oz said.

“I guess, too bad this wasn’t a job for Shane but I guess sniping low level gangsters is over kill. I’m hiding in.”  

The Hina Na Ho district was the modern day version of the Bronx, full of bad apples. This particular night, the local gas station shop was getting robbed.


“Hhaahahah!” A man in baseball cap cackled as he sat on the counter nearest to the Icee machine, “Tonight, I am so going to take revenge for all the years of suffering I had to deal with while working as a janitor for Manager Jim! I’m going to rob everything of value out of this store!”

“Uhhhhh… But isn’t this a little over kill?” The young blonde cashier then said.

“No! I worked my ass off in this place and I am sick and tired of being treated like a piece of common day bird shit!”

He then pulled out his pistol, “So come on you dumbshit, just hand be over the money!”


“Hey Karl, the tea in this place sucks…”

“Goddammit Berry! You have to ruin my revenge by being a dumb shit, don’t you?”

“I thought I was the dumbshit.” The blonde cashier responded.

“You both are! Now hand over the money, bitch!”

It was at this time that Redhawk simply wandered into the store, his hands placed in his pockets. He looked bored with the current situation.

“Oh the hell did you get in here?!?! Berry where’s Dean?” Karl shouted.

“I dunno.”

Outside, Oz made short work out of the redneck with a shot gun. The rule of the thumb is that Hi-Tech Ninjas always have and always will kick serious ass.

The Major then smiled, this was going to be an easy job.
Oz typed and clicked away on his console station, looking up bounties and "odd jobs" for the Major. His eyes darted across the screen as he searched for anything new that they could run out and complete. The highest paying one that was close by was for the Swifty Gang.

"There's a warrent for the arrest of the 'Swifty Gang'. 1300 spacebucks." Oz stated as he continued scrolling, listening to the Major complain about the measly reward.

"Well if we're going to go hunting for big game, it'd be better to find a location with better bad guys" Oz brought the portraits of the Swifty Gang up on the big monitor so the Major could see who exactly they were dealing with. Oz already knew the procedure; he would neutralize them while the Major began rounding them up, then they would prep them for transport. It was easy enough for Oz, he stood out of his chair and only grabbed his sword, anything else would be, as the Major described it, "Over Kill".
Some time later the Desperado came within a block of the gangs' position at the Hina Na Ho district gas station. As Oz and the Major approached, Oz could see Dean slacking off outside. Without hesitation, Oz pressed the switch on his retractable helmet and darted off into the shadows, then as the Major approached the store, Oz made his move. In one quick fluid motion, he reached his arm across Dean's throat, gripped tight and brought him to the ground without a sound, then reached over and tapped three pressure points around Deans' chest which resulted in paralyzing him.

Oz looked on briefly as the Major walked right into the store unchallenged by the unconscious and pathetic excuse as a guard Dean, who was being dragged into the shadows of the alley way next to the gas station. Oz then circled around back and found his way inside, sticking to the shadows, he watched as the Major strolled up to the final two gang members, confident as ever. Oz silently emerged from the shadows and stood behind the two men, waiting for the Majors' order to neutralize them.
Astra Teegan

Teegan waltzed down the street checking out the signs of the shops as she often did. It was important to know what was in each shop, because she never was sure what a particular one of her specimen wanted to eat. Now that she wasn't going to get any more funding from a job or school. ...grr.

Seemingly oblivious, Teegan walked right past the men getting "taken care of" outside to enter the grocery store. Without looking twice, she walked past the one inside aiming a gun, and finally stopped in front of the checkout counter.

"I don't mean to get in the way, but I was wondering if you have any live rats or maybe even some sausage that could possibly be from unreliable or black market sources? You see, my little friend here," Teegan took a second to pat the...thing... that was around her neck. As long as a very large snake, with a similar shaped body it also was covered in fur. At both ends it had two tiny legs, and it's head looked a bit like a rodent. It opened up it's jowls to flash a pair of snake-like fangs. "He likes fresh meat. I mean, dead meat is okay. But live is probably better. Ferretsnakes like the struggle. Oh, hey, Sinbad, don't try to bite the nice robber." She swatted at the critter until it put it's fangs away.
Shane dozed off at the controls, hovering over the Moon, waiting for a destination. He perked up upon hearing his name, only to find out he wasn't needed, he hadn't been in a while. Who would've thought that you could be too useful. Ah well, he was sure he would get his moment....hopefully. Upon receiving the moon coordinates, he typed them in, putting it on auto pilot, seeing no need to drive himself.

As they left, he sighed, silence at last. This was a routine bag and ship. They go down, kick ass, while he mans the ship, and helps load their sorry asses into the cargo cell, until they turn them in for cold, hard, cash. It was easy, and with low lives like these fools, he was actually bored. Putting his feet up on the dash, he tucked his chin and went back to dozing, the intercom accepting transmissions incase, in some odd way, something went wrong. But with an easy bounty like this, it was quite unlikely to happen...
As Shane sat, waiting for something to catch his attention, a light was blinking on the panel in front of him. It was the type of thing that happened when a private bounty was being placed, the type of bounty the cops didn't know about and didn't need to. For guys like Major and his crew, that just meant they got paid more.

When Shane didn't respond, the light stopped blinking and Oz's computer screen lit up. It read:


A picture appeared under the description. It was of a woman from the shoulders up, in her late twenties and sexy to boot. She was dressed in a white collared shirt buttoned up to the neck and a red vest with a red bow tie. She had fair skin, dark brown eyes and dark brown hair tied up in a roll with her long bangs framing either side of her face.

“What the fuck is that thing?!!?” Karl shouted as he now drew his pistol into the face of Teegan.

“I told you once already, it is a ferret snake. They are a very important species found on the fourth moon of Tevag-18.” Teegan said.

“Shut up Princess!”

The blonde cashier then giggled, as if she was completely unaware of the seriousness of the situation. Teegan just raised an eyebrow, there was clearly no princess here.

“Now is that any way to deal with a young woman?” Redhawk then said as he tossed some chocolate and soda on the counter. The brightly lit store made the packages look even more colorful than they really were.

“That’ll be 3 space bucks!” The blonde cashier then grinned.

“What the fuck is the matter with you three?!!? This is a fucking robbery!” Karl snapped, “You should be scared. I have a gun!!!!”

Redhawk then pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. This is the signal that Oz needed. Sneaking out of the bathroom, he grabbed Berry by the neck and snapped it. The fat man fell to the ground with a massive thud. Working his ninja skills, Oz once again was hidden in the bathroom.

“So, you do.” He then puffed some smoke out of his mouth.

“Dickhead! I can shoot anyone of you! I control your life and death! Right in the palm of my hands!”

“Uh huh. So that was three space bucks, eh?”

“That’s right, sir.” The blonde cashier once again giggled.

“Dude, you’re fucking pissing me off!” Karl then pointed the pistol at Redhawk.

“So you feel like a god do you?” Redhawk said as he spat his cigarette in Karl’s face.
Within a matter of seconds, Karl felt the hard rubber heel of the Major’s cowboy boot smack into his face. With that the would be burglar hit his head on the cigarette display case.

“Wow Mister! I thought he was going to shoot us for sure!” The blonde cashier said.

“It was an air soft pistol. The making of the weapon is too cheap to hold bullets. Come on Oz, let’s leave this popsicle stand.”
The Major then heard the toilet flush.

“Goddammit Oz, you couldn’t have waited?”
Oz looked on as he waited for his signal. The woman with the odd animal around her neck almost distracted him but Oz managed to gather his focus back quickly, and just in time for the signal. This was a kill order and Oz did just that. Barely seconds passed as he reached up and snapped the fat one's neck and just as quickly as it happened, Oz had already sunk back into the shadows....of the bathroom. At this point he was on break because he knew the Major had the rest of the situation in control. Oz listened for the comotion but felt a bit distracted due to the sudden urge to relieve his bladder, and he did just that. Flushing the toilet and emerging from the doorway, Oz just shrugged at the Major for his brief scolding.

Now that the three had been neutralized, Oz saw to prepping them for transport, starting with the fat one. Strong as Oz was, he found it a bit taxing to drag the dead weight of an overweight body across the store and out the door then binding his hands and feet together. Ten minutes later Oz finished up with the other two and pressed his Comm Button, signaling for the Desperado to come back to their location and retrieve the bodies.
Astra Teegan

Once everything was good and quiet, Teegan was standing there at the checkout counter looking a bit perturbed.

"I'm not a princess... That man is so confused." After shaking her head, she remembered what she was there for once again.

"Oh yeah! Like I was saying before everyone went all action-movie, Sinbad is starving. If I don't find him something to eat soon he's likely to eat someone and the last time that happened I spent three days in jail and got suspended from the Academy. You would think people knew how to read signs that say "Do Not Open". Stupid interns." Teegan rambled a bit as she tapped her fingers on the counter, all the while the cashier was trying to figure out if they had anything edible by a ferretsnake.

Blinking at the bounty hunters (well, what else could they be! Cops were way more official!), Teegan spoke her thoughts out loud.

"Do you guys take passengers?"
Shane looked up a bit upon seeing the light flickering, indicating a fresh bounty. He sighed, not getting his hopes up. This was one of the better bounties and it didn't even clear 1500 spacebucks. It was going to be tough if they couldn't find a juicy bounty soon. Soon the light left, and the bounty was projected across Oz's monitor. Glancing over to it, Shane nearly fell out of his chair when he saw the listed amount. 5000 spacebucks was more than he'd seen out of the last few bounties combined. He couldn't wait to tell Redhawk about this, he would be very happy to hear the news.

Soon, he got the signal from Oz, indicating that the fools had been disposed of, nearly in record time as well, and that they had the morons in custody. Groaning, he sat up in the chair, typed in the coordinates given to him by Oz's signal, and flew over, using the directions given to him by the computer. Normally, he'd just put the damn thing on autopilot, but the new bounty had him in a particularly good mood....
Ah, the Recreational District, a little party town in its own right. It was more the place to find night clubs and 24-hour restaurants with only a couple of casinos looking for a piece of the action. It wasn't the Las Vegas Lexicon--heavens, no!--but it came almost, pretty much, but not quite close.

In one corner of the Recreational District, in a club called the Fox Hole, there was a woman in a long white gown singing into a tall microphone. Behind her was a live band, men dressed in tuxedos and playing a mix of wind and percussion instruments. The Fox Hole was done in 1930's Earth-style, creamy white, curtains hanging down from the ceiling against the walls. There was a long bar on one side, a dance floor in the center now crowded with tables.

A beautiful woman with dark brown hair and eyes dressed in a long red gown with a low neckline, elbow-high gloves, slits up to her knees on either side and heels with straps around the ankles sat at one of the tables. She smiled at something her date, an older man old enough to be her father said and leaned forward.

Morrigan de Sarde had worn her best diamond choker, the matching diamond bracelet, and the earrings, gifts from the man she was having dinner with tonight. Of course, what was a woman without her accessories like her belt and her small little handpurse.

This was going to be a splendid night!
“Do you guys take passengers?" Teegan asked.

“Only if you are wanted for a crime. Sorry hun, guests ruin our style.” Andres said.

“Oh, pretty please? I have a wide knowledge on animal life. You never know when you could get attacked by the Flying Berthier!”

“A what,” Andres shook his head, “That sounds like some kind of flamboyant gay guy’s stage name.”

“Well…You wouldn’t be far off!” Teegan explained.

Andres then placed his hand on her mouth, “Fine, if you want to come along you can. Just don’t speak to me and secondly make sure your rabbit snake thing doesn’t eat out of my ramen. Got it?”

As a matter of luck would have it, the Desperado finally showed up. Oz had already taken care of rounding up the bodies and it was his general job of locking said crooks up in the ships carrying cells until the cops came along and then the small bounty could be received. Shane carefully landed the red spaceship. It was not an overly impressive piece of machinery by any stretch of the imagination; the one thing that stood out on Her was the Poncho Villa like Mexican bandit painted on the hood. The elevator platform then lowered and the crew stepped aboard their ship.

“Boss!” Shan then called from the cockpit, “Got some good news for ya.”

“Unnn….” Andres grunted.

Shan then followed suit and grunted five time. The two guys had known each other for years and had developed a grunting language. Five grunts always meant great news. The bald headed pilot then pointed to the screen that read:


“Holy shit! That’d buy us a whole shitload of groceries. No more of this dehydrated crap for months!” Andres exclaimed.

He then started to pound away on the keyboard. There was no way he was going to reject such a handsome bounty.
Astra Teegan

"Here we go Sinbad, this is going to be a quick ride. We'll just need to pick up my equip-" Teegan was standing alone on board the Desperado. It seemed her gracious hosts were already off doing something else. Well then. That just meant she could show herself around.

Taking a look around, Teegan poked her head in through doors here and there looking for some sort of passenger's seat. The ship was designed for a full crew. Living quarters and everything! But what caught her eye was a wonderfully large laboratory style room. It looked like just an extra room for storage, but it was huge. Could fit SO many animals in it!

"Wow! This is a nice setup Sinbad! I didn't know ships could be designed like this. I wonder if they need an extra crew member. Uh, Sinbad?" Oh dear. Her little ferretsnake had snuck off her shoulder while she was snooping. He was always doing that!

"Heeere Sinbad! Come here boy! Damn it! Couldn't you WAIT for dinner!"
Shane wandered the ship, letting Andres take care of the bounty and the piloting of the ship to the police department so they could download their "cargo". There was no need to worry about locking up the prisoners, Oz already having that taken care of. As he began to head to his room, however, he was confronted with something he had never seen before.

Before him looked to be a cross between a ferret, snake, and a weiner dog. Wondering how such a thing got on the ship, he tried to walk slowly passed it. It appeared to ignore him, walking passed him, causing him to jump anyways. Realizing he was safe, he began to walk away, when he felt something tugging at his legs. Looking behind him, he was confronted with the face of the animal, which had already climbed onto him and was now looping itself onto his shoulders and arms. Shane opened him mouth to yell, but couldn't make a noise, out of fear that this thing would snap his neck.
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Astra Teegan

"Siiiinbad! You're horrible little thing. Can't you just eat kibble like normal Oh- There you are!" Teegan rounded a corner where she found her ferretsnake curling around a man's shoulders. It was now giving his head and hair a good sniff as it flicked out a tongue at his ear.

"No. Sinbad. What did we talk about? Humans are our friends, not food. Now you stop tasting that man and come here." Her hands were resting on her hips as she tapped her foot on the floor impatient. The ferretsnake didn't seem to want to mind this time. Curling around the otherside to lick the other ear.

"I'm sorry. Normally he's not like this, he's just a little hungry. Three days without dinner and they just start wanting to eat anything with legs. Sinbad, I'll never forgive you if you eat him!"
"J-Just get him off me. I'm beginning to cramp from not moving..." Shane said, looking wide-eyed at Teegan as the ferretsnake slowly grew more comfortable upon his shoulders. He was standing in mid-stride, head cocked sideways, having been frozen in place since he looked back at the snake.

As the ferretsnake began to lick behind his ears, Shane began to chuckle. "Oh god, it tickles, please, get him off!" Shane's legs were beginning to shake and quiver as he tried to remain still, the snake's thin wet tongue ticking just behind his ear. "I can't stay still for much longer, and I'd rather not have to kill your pet......"
It was a pretty slow night. There weren't a lot of people interested in a small table outside with someone who was willing to bet a few bucks if they pitched in a few of their own. Games like, choose which cup the pea was under just wasn't as popular as they'd been once. Or maybe he was just losing his touch. He sure as hell hoped not.

Grady, a thin man wearing three jackets, a pants with holes in the knees, a pair of shoes where you could see his toes sticking out, stacked up the cups one last time. He was going to put the table away for the night, try again in the morning. It'd do him good to retire to bed early, tucked away in his little corner in the alley just behind him.

The small radio in his pocket began to make static noises. He pulled it out and twisted the knob at the top until the static cleared up. "Oh, hey, Major!" There was only one man who ever called him up for something. Major, one of the most decent guys Grady had ever known. Always bought him a cup of coffee and a sandwich whenever he popped up in the Recreational District.

"... Eh, what's that? ... A woman like that, eh?" he asked once the Major had laid all the cards out on the table. "Sure I'll help ya. Fo' a small fee. Heh, you got me there, Major. But yeah, I seen a girl like that just a little while ago. Went prancing into the Fox Hole with some older guy. You know that place just south of where Minnie's Diner used to be."

His voice was a bit hushed now. "But ya better hurry. I see some thugs pullin' up." And then he quickly shut the transmission off. One of the thugs had stopped and looked straight at him. Grady just looked the other way and went back to stacking his cups.
By this point, Andres had decided it was time to take a bathroom break. It had been one of those nights where he felt that'd one where he'd on the shitter for hours on end reading the latest copies of Guns and Lasers or on special occasions he'd look at the newest copy of Spaceboy. At this point, the author will stop because no one wants a detailed description of what generally follows.

As luck would have it, Andres just happened to take the right turn to find his gunner being attacked by the dopey tourist's ferretsnake.

"Oi vey. This type of crap can only happen to you Baldie." Andres said rubbed his temple.

He then rolled up his copy of Spaceboy and smacked the snake on the head. In response the snake now grabbed a hold of Andres magazine.

"Hey!!! Let go! This month's centerfold is Kara Clanstied! You can everything else but her!" Andres shouted while he flung the magazine around.

The snake then seemed to give Andres a mocking laugh and continued chomping its way up.

"That's it you fucker! I don't care about Cecil Jones or any of the other hussies but no one gets in the way of Kara!"

Andres then pulled out his golden Luger, "Eat lead you miserable sack of fur and shit!"

It responded by dropping to the floor and sliding its way towards Oz's unfinished turkey sandwich, which had been left there the night before. Apparently, none of these guys really cared about cleaning up the backquarters of the Desperado.
Astra Teegan

"NO! NO! I'LL GET HIM!" Teegan lept in the way before any gunfire was going to rain down on her special pet.

Meanwhile, her ferretsnake didn't seem all that frightened by the prospect of being shot at. He was busy opening up his mouth as wide as possible. Before anyone could scream, he had Shane's entire head in his mouth.

"SINBAD. That's a BAD ferretsnake! You are so not getting Narverian Sausages!"
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Andres shouted. He then tossed his gun down and then leaped on Shane's lifeless body. "You miserable sack of fur and shit! You killed my gunner. You know how fucking hard it is find a decent gunner these days?!?!"

Andres then grabbed the ferretsnake by the neck and started punching the living day lights out of Sinbad. "Just because he was useless doesn't mean you can go around eating my fucking crew members!!!"

Sinbad responded by biting Andres hand. "Oh, you want a piece of me you piece of furry shit? Once I'm through with you, you are going straight into a Po Po Platter or some sort of fucking meat pie!"

The ferretsnake then clamped down even harder on Andres' hand. "FFFFFUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!" He the started bashing Sinbad against the wall.

"Oz, get your fucking ninja ass back here!"

Oz then came running into the room, leaping over Shane's headless corpse. He then lauched an electromagnetic net over Sinbad. Andres then grabbed a dirty blanket from the floor and wrapped his bleeding hand up.

He then walked over towards Teegan, "Make sure you keep that piece of shit locked up while you are on this ship. Or just make sure you feed the fucker ahead of time. And Oz, dump the corpse into orbit. I don't want to see it anymore."
Astra Teegan

"Don't punch- Now wait a mi- Come on he's no- Well crap." Teegan didn't know why she was getting blamed for this. She TOLD the guy not to move. Sinbad was a delicate creature. For a moment she stood there tapping a foot on the floor and her fingers on her hips. But after a brief moment of mental apologizing (the guy was dead now, he's not going to hear it if she said it out loud!) she finally stomped to scoop up her wrangled ferretsnake.

"Okay then! But I think he's pretty well fed now." Stupid Sinbad. "I'm going to make myself at home, call me when we get somewhere." Teegan turned on a heel to settled herself in to her new sleeping quarters. ...and find a way to keep Sinbad contained when he gets hungry!