Strength in Differences

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Nik hadn't moved as she approached, having learned weeks ago now that Kaulu...she wasn't going to hurt him. There were occasions where he still flinched if she touched him too quickly or if he was startled by it, but he'd stopped expecting pain where she was concerned. He kept his arm held out for her as she went about dabbing away blood that just continued to run. Nik wondered if she realized how deep the cut actually was. It was on his inner forearm and he was pretty sure it had cut a vein. It certainly hurt like it had, but he said nothing about it. The pain didn't rate as important on his tolerance scale.

Her question, though, that made him tense in a way he'd not done in a while now, his moon blue eyes instantly starting to retreat, to cloud up in defense and then Nik faltered. He stayed very still for a moment, knowing, understanding that what he was doing was not the right response. It was just a fight in that moment to make himself do the right thing. His eyes refocused back on Kaulu and the Sidhe's eyes slowly cleared again, his entire body giving a shiver as he pushed away the flight or fight instinct that told him those two things were his only option.

No...no they weren't.

Not anymore.

Nik sighed and before he answered, he took the cloth from Kaulu's fingers and pressed it down to the cut, pain flickering in his eyes before it faded away, hidden by a habit harder to break than any of the others had been. You didn't reveal pain. That was a rule that would probably take months, perhaps even years to train out of him. His voice was quiet as he looked at the obsidian eyes watching him and then down to the ground.

"I haven't...been sleeping well." It wasn't a lie. It was a start to the whole truth.
 
Yeah, the dabbing was certainly not working. Cursing under her breath, she tied the cloth tight around his forearm. She felt bad for having being the one cutting him so deeply, but she also knew that there was something wrong with him and she wouldn't leave him alone until he told her. Or... well, they wouldn't do any more sparring for the time being.

She sensed his tensing body and retreat, something he hadn't done in a while, but she also saw him fighting it and she backed down a bit. He was fighting his instinct to retreat and she knew that it was tough for him. So she couldn't be too tough on her husband and gave him credit where it was due. He told her that he hadn't been sleeping well and she furrowed her brows slightly.

"For how long?" she asked first, moving them to sit down. Hopefully he would allow himself to be healed...
 
Nik barely reacted to the tightening of the cloth, nothing but a slight jerk of his arm showing that it had sent a streak of brief agony up his limb. He followed Kaulu to sit, moving out of the sparring arena and the Sidhe rubbed his palm on his leg, not particularly wanting to answer that question. She'd worry. He hadn't wanted to make her worry...and he'd not wanted to explain what was really wrong. Both things had worked to keep Nik silent, but he knew his wife wasn't going to have it this time around. She'd be gentle, patient, but she'd be insistent, too because Kaulu, somehow she just seemed to know when it was time to press him.

"Two weeks." The words slipped out quietly and Nik finally looked up, telling himself that trying to avoid the inevitable was nothing more than childish.

So the white-haired halfbreed steeled himself and he went on, something slightly blank in his gaze, as if he were trying to find a safe place within his mind where he could observe everything that happened around him without being touched by it. He knew he couldn't. He'd tried. This was new territory, something he'd not done with anyone, not even the werewolves and he didn't quite know how to go about this, how she'd react to it. And that made him guarded even as he spoke honestly. "I've been having...nightmares. They...I didn't...they aren't new. I've...always had them. It's nothing to worry about."

Of course, he would say the same thing about this cut....about his ribs...about the sheer agony he felt often enough if he thought about anything relating to his past before he met her. Such things out of Nik's mouth meant very little.
 
Two weeks? Kaulu looked at him, trying to find his pale gaze and search. But it was blank, hazy. Unclear. He was guarding himself out of instinct and there wasn't anything she could do but listen now, to wait for his words to fill the silence and the void of answers. He explained that he had been having nightmares, but he had always had them and it wasn't anything to worry about. She gave him an irked look, but it was subtle and she wiped some of his white hairs away from his eyes affectionately.

"It's something to worry about if they've been going on for so long and affect you like this..." she said gently. She looked down at the reddening cloth for a moment before looking back up at him. "What are they about...?"
 
He caught the look of vexation on her face, in her eyes but Nik didn't flinch from it, knowing she was entitled to that feeling right now. He wasn't being...easy. And he didn't WANT to be difficult; he just didn't always know how to react correctly to things like this. He knew, was starting to truly and deeply understand, that Kaulu wanted to help him, that her family wanted nothing but good for him, but it was hard to accept sometimes because he constantly felt like if he did something wrong, if he said something or was just too much trouble, that it would all be taken away. That was constant rejection talking, though.

Kaulu fought that in him often enough, won nearly every time and it was starting to change Nik's outlook in the smaller things, but it was bigger things like this that challenged how far he'd really come and could go. His wife seemed to understand that too and Nik knew it by the tender action of her fingers and some of the tension washed out of him. Sometimes touch was the easiest way to do that with the white-haired Sidhe. Touch had caused him such trauma...and touch could undo it, too.

Nik wasn't sure he agreed with her assessment of the nightmares. He'd always had them. He'd always functioned. They were just bad....well, not dreams. Memories. But everyone had those...right? Well...maybe not. Nik sighed and picked at a part of Kaulu's clothing, a habit he'd gotten into when they were like this, when addressing something he was unsure about talking of, and yet not wanting her to leave. Just like that first time two months back.

She asked what the nightmares were about and Nik looked up to meet her mirror-black eyes, his moon blue ones wide, a haunted look passing through them. He hesitated for a minute, truly hesitated and then Nik answered in the most steady and quiet voice he could manage, knowing in that moment that Marsin had been right. He needed to tell her everything. If he didn't...she wouldn't know how to face his nightmares when they became reality.

"Torture. They're memories of being tortured."

Nik gave Kaulu a faint smile then that didn't reach his eyes in the least, knowing it wasn't the right response - it pissed Marsin off every single time - but not knowing what else to do. "That's what I dream about. It's all I've ever dreamed about for as long as I can remember. It just...flares, gets worse sometimes. That's all."
 
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Kaulu always stayed. She would stay even if Nik stopped fidgeting with her clothing, a habit she grew to learn was his way of saying that he wanted her to stay, that she just had to be patient and he would eventually speak. She would stay even if he started to give up entirely. She wanted to be there for him, to teach him that there were good things here, things worth seeing and people worth meeting.

When she asked about the nightmares, he looked up at her like he had seen a ghost. He was so terrified but his voice broke through. It was shaky and quiet, broken, and the words made the female look at him in quiet shock. And then he smiled slightly and bit bitterly.

"Tort..ure..." she said quietly. Oh, there were so many things she didn't know. There was so much more to Niklomaus that explained the way he was... if Kaulu didn't know him, hadn't grown so close to him, she probably wouldn't have wanted to know about his past or his nightmares. But she did now. "Oh, Nik..." she spoke, voice still quiet as she looked into his frightened eyes, her hands coming up to cup his cheeks as one of her thumbs brushed his cheekbone.

She wanted to know so badly, hear his story even if it broke her heart. But there was a priority and that was keeping him alive. The cut hadn't stopped bleeding and it was starting to soak the cloth. "Let's get this checked out," she said as she stood, slowly taking the hand of the hurt arm in hers. "Please." She looked at him, glossy black eyes showing something unexplainable. Concern, caring, warmth... wanting to hear and help him, and also a bit of a plead. She didn't have the words to explain it.
 
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A shiver passed through him as she repeated the word back at him and Nik watched her with a searching expression, scared and trusting. Trusting her as he'd trusted no one else, not even the wolves for in the end, they were subject to the whims of the Sidhe. Kaulu...was different. And at her touch, Nik released a ragged sigh, his eyes threatening to flicker closed, wanting to lean into her. Not daring to. He'd wanted to do that since the first time she'd touched his face, but the Sidhe hadn't let himself. Unsure he could, not sure why he wanted to. Or maybe he did. Her touch was safety, affection he'd never known, such warmth radiating from her that he wanted to find a home in it.

He waited for the questions, but strangely didn't dread them in this moment of tranquility.

But Kaulu didn't ask, her hands departing, startling him for a moment until she spoke and he looked down at his arm as she took his hand. Nik blinked, uncomprehending of the red staining the material and then clarity came and he looked up again at her plea, nodding easily as he stood after her. His eyes stayed fixed on the Chaktawe's for a moment, though, not understanding exactly what was in her gaze, but it sent an odd warmth flooding through him, a sense of worth he couldn't explain anymore than she could explain her own emotion and Nik gave his wife another smile, still faint, but this time more genuine. And then he did something he'd not done before; he placed his palm to her cheek, thumb brushing across the dark bronze of her skin with gentle care.

"It'll be all right, oma kaarne." he told her softly, reassuringly before his hand, still holding her own, pulled her gently toward the direction of the healers; people he'd learned he had no need to fear in this place thanks to Kaulu.
 
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If Nik would have leaned into her, she would have welcomed him wholly. Boundaries were slowly being pushed farther away from them and Kaulu would have no problem in holding her husband as he searched for some comfort or safety. But he hadn't and so that moment froze when she stood. He hadn't fought her plea and instead stood with her, another smile appearing on his face though this time it... was more genuine and appropriate for the situation. But then he did something he never had before, resting one of his palms on her cheek, thumb brushing against her skin as she had done earlier to him. It was gentle and made her look from his wounded arm to his face, eyes meeting as he told her everything would be alright, saying something in in his tongue. She wasn't familiar with the phrase and a smile crept upon her own lips.

"What does that mean?" she asked as they now began the small walk to the healers. It would be a quick fix compared to healing his ribs, so they wouldn't be there for very long. And over the last two months, Nik had learned that there wasn't any more need for fear, so that would aid in the process as well.
 
Nik's expression froze even if his walking body didn't, but it wasn't fear. Rather it was slightly startled, as if he just realized what he'd said and then a keen blush came to his pale features - and his skin didn't seem to darken to matter how much time he spent in the sun - and Nik looked away from Kaulu, face burning red and his expression completely shy when he finally looked back. "It...um...it means...'my raven'." he finally offered.

A term of endearment, something he often thought when he looked at her. She was like a raven, all dark and smooth, wild and majestic. He didn't know how to put that all into words, though. Didn't quite know how tell her how fond of her he was. That's where the word 'my' came in. It wasn't possessive in a claiming way - not yet - but rather just acknowledgement that she was his in some way, his friend, that he accepted her into his life.

Nik continued to blush, though, long after they stepped into the house the healers occupied. It faded slowly as it was asked what happened and he explained, showing them his arm. He wasn't very relaxed during the healing, habits dying hard, but it helped that he didn't have to lay down and soon enough the healing was done and his arm rewrapped. Most of the damage was taken care of, but it was a shallower cut now and he still had to keep it clean of sand and dirt. Nik assured that he would, thanked them quietly as he always did and then he and Kaulu left.

The Sidhe was unsure where Kaulu wanted to go now, if she still wanted to speak with him or if she had somewhere to be so he walked with her, hair brushing his eyes as he looked down, quiet. Much like those first few days among her people.
 
Kaulu was at Nik's side and was able to look at his face, so when he turned away, she tried to peer over but he was soon enough looking back at her. She smiled a bit when she saw how red his face was and how shy he seemed. It was made clear why he seemed to shy when he defined the term for her, and to be honest, she was a little speechless. But it was a good speechless, the type that brightened her eyes and entire being. She knew he didn't mean it in such a romantic or possessive way, but rather that she... she was his friend. Part of his life now. And if he hadn't quite captured the brightness in her expression, she gave his hand a firm yet brief squeeze, one that did all the speaking for her.

They entered the healers house soon. They explained what happened, showed them the cut, and they got to work almost immediately. It didn't take long like Kaulu had predicted; the cut was cleared of most damage though they still had to be cautious of infection. After thanking the healers, they left, quiet as neither had any particular destination they wanted to go to, their feet taking them to wherever they'd end up. After a few moments of silence, the Chaktawe looked to her husband, truly noticing how long his hair was getting and she smiled lightly. "Your hair is getting long," she commented.
 
Nik looked at her in some surprise at her comment and he looked up at his own hair, reaching up to push his fingers through the white tresses. He pulled some lightly to see the length and smiled a bit in agreement, pushing the hair back again. He'd messed with it enough, though, that most of it fell forward again and Nik flicked his head slightly just to get it out of his eyes before he looked out to where he and Kaulu had headed. Their feet had taken them to the oasis and at this point, at the highest point of heat in the day, most of the Chaktawe were inside and the water was empty, still.

The Sidhe smiled a bit and his blue eyes sparkled with a small glow as he simply blew. Wind seemed to pick up out of nowhere, much like it had done the night of their wedding, and swept out over the water, creating ripples and small waves. Nik watched the effect for a moment before the wind came back, swirling and twining about him, about Kaulu as it pulled gently on her clothes, on both their hair before the halfbreed gave a sigh and the breeze died down as the glow in his eyes did.

He'd simply activated his power to release some tension, some stress and Nik looked to Kaulu questioningly, never having asked this question before, but now genuinely wondering. "Are we allowed to swim?" He knew water was precious out here and so would never assume he could do something wasteful with it without asking first. That was just how Nik was, with everyone and everything the Chaktawe people let him have access to.
 
Kaulu had seen the smile of agreement before looking away. They arrived at the oasis, the sun high and shining down on them harshly, most of the Chaktawe inside where it was cooler. The female stared down at the water before she heard breath being blown from Nik's mouth and she looked over at him questioningly before she felt wind come out of nowhere. She caught sight of the small glow in his eyes and she grinned as the air created ripples and small waves in the oasis. And then it seemed to come back to the couple, swirling all about them and playing gently with their hair and clothes. It was an ephemeral thing as Nik sighed and the wind disappeared along with his glow, but it was nice and sort of magical.

At his question, Kaulu smiled again. "Not here, in the oasis," she answered. "This is primarily used for drinking water and such things. But there is a river about an hour ride from here. When people go, they usually go in large groups due to how long of a ride it is. The Tatsuwaats often go there, though. There is a piece of the river that acts as sacred territory for them, for the keerdash trees grow around this river. It is a grove that they survived off of when the three tribes were separated."
 
Nik kept his eyes on his wife as she answered and interest entered his eyes as he listened to a bit of history about her people. Before he'd come to live with the Suli, he'd known only enough about the Chaktawe people to fight them effectively. Now a whole world of rich history had opened up to him and he found himself curious about it, as he often was. The halfbreed sat down now by the water and he reached out to rest his palm over it, letting it rest there for a moment before he lifted his hand and the water followed as if drawn up by a funnel. The liquid he'd drawn up separated from the larger body of the oasis and slowly started to reform above his palm.

The Sidhe's brows were furrowed in concentration above his glowing eyes, but he spoke anyway. "The peace our peoples agreed to, it was for the Chaktawe, but I never asked; does that extend to all three tribes or do you each have your own treaties even if you fight the same enemy?"

The water in his palm had formed itself into a dagger, intricate detail in the thing from the etchings in the water-blade and bindings about the handle, looking entirely real. And entirely made up of Nik's subconscious mind right now. He wasn't concentrating on what he was making, rather the effort it took to do so.
 
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Kaulu sat down as well, next to Nik without much space between them. She watched as he placed his hand above the water and then pulled upwards, water rising like a backwards funnel. She kept watching as it reformed in his hand, though she did hear his question and her own hands played in the sand. "It extends to all three tribes," she answered. "The three tribes mainly act as large family groups now, but each still has their own unique twist to our culture. Still, we are one family, one people. We were just brought together by the Great Wayhali, that's all." She smiled slightly as her eyes studied the detail of the water blade. It looked so real; it blew her away.

"You have great power..." she said, looking to him after a brief moment. The fact that he controlled the wind from earlier and could make such a detailed blade out of water... it really amazed Kaulu.
 
Nik nodded, feeling a bit of relief knowing all the tribes were safe from his people at the moment and then that familiar pressure came back, like he was being slowly crushed by the weight of the secrets he was forced to keep, the knowledge that his people would love nothing more than to have an excuse to annul this agreement with the Chaktawe and let the blame fall to him. The Sidhe heard Kaulu's words as if from a distance and he blinked, coming back to himself and looking to her briefly with his light-bright eyes. He shook his head a bit, watching the water without really seeing it, something cloudy in his gaze despite the glow that rested there, too.

"Water is easy to control. He's tranquil more often than not and wants to please." The shape in Nik's hand started to reform slowly, as it it was waiting for the thoughts in his mind to shape it. But the male wasn't really paying attention to what was being made. "Wind is more mischievous. She means well, but she's young in her ways even as she is old in her wisdom. She doesn't really bend to anyone's will but rather chooses who she'll listen to."

The water form had morphed into chains, manacles at the ends, but Nik didn't seem to see it, looking somewhere out on the water and not at his palm at all, his arm resting on his knee, keeping it outstretched, able to let the water fall back into the oasis when he was done with it. "Earth is slow to react, but she's compliant, willing to help for good causes. But fire...I can't control him. I've tried, but...he won't listen. He always burns..." Nik's voice faded, a shudder rippling through his frame before he looked back at the water in his hand, at the manacles, and instantly jerked his hand back like he'd been burned by that instead, the water falling back into the oasis.

He'd forgotten that in the absence of conscious direction, his subconscious mind played with his power as it wished. He didn't do that often but when he did the results were never pretty to look at.
 
Kaulu met that brief gaze and watched as he shook his head in disagreement. The blue orbs had grown cloudy again but she listened as he spoke about his powers. It turned out that Nik couldn't control just water and wind, but also earth. Fire, he said, he can't control. It kind of made her happy the way he spoke of the elements. Because if anyone knew how true his words were, how there was life everywhere, it would be Kaulu. And maybe even most Chaktawe people, because they had lived in the desert and learned how to flourish there, to regard each speck of life they could find.

She looked down, watching as the blade of water distorted and transformed into something else.... chains, with manacles at the ends. She looked up to Nik carefully but realized that he wasn't looking. It didn't even seem like he knew what the water was doing. She opened her mouth to bring attention to the shapes, but he had finally realized what the water had become and he jerked back, the water falling back into the pool.

She didn't know what to do, what to say. So she went with her instincts and slowly reached out for one of his hands. Her fingers grazed against any vein that was raised and then ran over his knuckles as if she was trying to soothe him through his skin. "You are not chained here, Nik," she said softly, finally looking at him.
 
His skin shivered at her touch, but Nik didn't move his hand away, taking a quiet, ragged breath as the glow faded completely from his pale eyes. The cloudy look didn't, though and the Sidhe smiled a bit, a bitter even angry tinge to the look, something bleak in his face as his eyes met Kaulu's. "Not visibly, no." he half-agreed with her and then took another deep inhale, steadier this time as he forced the fear, the memories back down. They didn't want to stay, though, not now that they'd invited out and Nik reached up with both hands to wrap them to either side of his skull as if he could contain everything inside just by willing it.

He couldn't, though. Never had been able to and now it seemed impossible. So impossible when this place was weakening his walls, when Kaulu was coaxing him out of his shell. All the memories and the bad things came with the good and Nik wanted to tell her...even as he really didn't. He didn't want her to suffer through even the retelling, not like he'd suffered going through it. She didn't deserve that. She deserved far better than that, than him.

Words spilled from his mouth anyway, though, like river overflowing its banks and the driving force behind it was Kaulu; her compassion, patience and resilience pushing him forward despite himself. He looked up at her, something broken, scared and yet angry in his eyes as he lowered his trembling hands, his head hurting with how hard he'd been gripping it. His jaw seemed to ache, too. He must have been clenching his teeth.

"They control me, Kaulu. I'm still chained to them, still..." He drew in a shaky breath before his eyes refocused on Kaulu. "They said that if I said anything, anything about being a halfbreed, if I messed up this alliance, that they'd lock me up in the dark again, hurt me again for the next fifteen years." Nik gave a soft, scared laugh that sounded more like a whimper as his trembling hand ran back through his hair, trying to not let his voice waver. "I barely survived six years of that torture last time. I can't...I can't do fifteen. I c-can't."
 
Kaulu had never seen such a bitter look in Nik's face, even if the anger was mild. Suddenly she regretted what she said and realized how ignorant she had probably sounded. As his hands left hers and held his head, she bit her lower lip. He was holding his head so tightly but she felt like if she reached out for him again, she would just make things worse. So she only observed, waited, and soon his hands lowered. They were trembling, very much so but his voice caught her attention next and she listened to him.

He had been locked up for six years... six years of complete torture and he was threatened that if he messed up the alliance between the Sidhe and the Chaktawe, said anything about his secret, they would lock him up for another fifteen.

"Nik... Niklomaus," she said, her hands coming up to his face again before finding his hands instead. "That won't happen. Nik, nobody will know of your secret. I won't say a word." She threaded her fingers through his. "Those fifteen years will never happen - I won't let it. Have faith in me," she said, her tone softening at the last part.
 
"I do. I know...I know you won't tell. I know." he whispered back to her, his hand tightening around her own, not to hurt, just to find some stability. He did know that. He trusted her to not tell. She'd been nothing but honest and honorable and kind to him. He believed that she would keep her world, he believed in her. It was the other things he knew, though, that made his eyes close, the moisture leaking from them anyway to trail down his face. The tears ran slowly when his eyes opened and Nik looked like he wanted to curl in on himself, but he didn't. There was some strength in him still, that same kind that had gotten him through seven hundred years of hell, that would continue to keep him going.

It was that strength and his trust in Kaulu that made him speak further. The tears didn't stop, but his voice didn't waver, as if he'd resigned himself to something he truly believed he couldn't avoid or stop. So much pain and no way to escape it had taught him such over the years. "It won't matter. Kaulu, the Sidhe will break peace with your people. They will find a way to ally themselves to this new threat and they will turn on you. And they will drag me back. They will...I will never s-see you again and...they will..." He faltered, familiar fear passing through his eyes, the reason for it now becoming clearer.

They would use him to fight the Chaktawe, they would interrogate him until he spoke and Nik knew they had all the time in the world in which to break him. It wasn't like they hadn't done it before. He was shattered in so many ways already, broken and it was only some insane hope, a spark of fire that refused to die that kept him going, kept him getting back up.
 
Those words assured Kaulu. Of course he knew. He had to after these past couple of months.

As he began to cry, she allowed him, tightening her grip just as he had to show that it was okay, that he could use her as a pillar to lean against for support. As he spoke, he told her that the Sidhe would find some way to break the peace and take him back. The fear in his eyes sent a clear message and to be honest, it sparked fear in her as well. He would be tortured for information on the Chaktawe and after that, he would probably just be tortured for sport like he had for those six years. It sparked a fear for Nik... but also her people.

"If they turn on us and break the treaty... we will fight. And you will fight with us. They won't be able to drag you away. We can... we can help train you to better control your powers. You can become stronger - we can become stronger, together." She said it with such conviction that she believed it herself. The thought of losing Nik made something stir inside her that she couldn't even begin to fathom. It made her realize just how much she really cared for him. She couldn't lose such a significant part of her life again...
 
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