Srs Instructions

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Asmodeus, May 19, 2010.

  1. How to Give a Cat a Pill


    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.



    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.



    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

    Call spouse in from the garden.



    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

    Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

    Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

    Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



    10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.

    Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.



    11 . Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

    Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

    Take last pill from foil wrap.



    13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



    15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.
     
  2. Quoted for truth
     
  3. Pills are no problem...it's the liquid medicine that's fucking hellish to give them.

    You lay it on its back and do all that cradling bullshit then squirt it in and watch as they spray it all over and do their best reinactment of the Exorcist.
     
  4. I second Ampu on this, I have two cats and that's pretty much how it goes unless you have yogurt to bribe them with.

    But I still laughed.
     
  5. Two words: Pill Pockets.

    Invest in them and it makes your life oh so much easier.
     
  6. Obviously you guys have no idea how to get your cats to take the meds!

    2 steps to enlightenment:

    1. Follow Asmo's advice and put your cat in the cradle

    2. Apply a silver spoon.

    3. Then little boy blue and the man in the moon will pry it's mouth open.

    -10 points to whoever is reading this saying, "What does that mean?"
     
  7. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
     
  8. I now bestow upon you... NEGATIVE 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!
     
  9. ....

    But... I'm not.... part of them.... I'm... a... a snakey snake....Snivilin' or something.... Smitherin?...
     
  10. ...Is embarrassed to correct you... Slytherin...
     
  11. .... I was... joking...
     
  12. FUCK PILLS MAN. FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR PILLS.

    ONE OF MY CATS GOT SPRAYED IN THE FACE BY A SKUNK LAST NIGHT AND TODAY THE VET GAVE ME SOME CREAM I HAVE TO PUT IN ITS EYES.


    MEDICAL CREAM. INTO. A CAT'S EYES.


    If you never hear from me again...it's because I've been mauled to death.
     
  13. 0.0

    .....

    BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET MAULED TO DEATH!
     
  14. I just like how the vet was all nonchalant about it. "Oh, it'll go on better if you just pull down the eyelids and squirt it on. After that just hold it and gently rub it in."


    BUT IT'S ALMOST TIME....TO FIND OUT HOW DIFFICULT THIS WILL BE. In like an hour or so...
     
  15. *Tosses Ampu some Super Mario stars to use on the cat*
     
  16. It's times like this when you say, "Screw this, it's a suppository now!"
     
  17. Agreed on the Pill Pockets. Best. Thing. Ever.

    As for eye meds in a kitty, take a towel and make the tightest kitty-burrito you can make! D: GOOD LUCK, AMP ;_;