s a m u e l
Samuel right away felt a twinge of panic when Roman left his side. It didn't fade much when he realised what he went to get. But he didn't protest. This way he didn't have to tell his dad about his PTSD himself. So, Samuel was quiet as Roman angrily showed Manuel all the papers, told him about some of the major incidents Samuel had had over the years. By the time he was done Samuel was crying and Manuel was staring at all the evidence of what he had done before him.
Slowly he turned his head towards Samuel,
"You have PTSD?" his tone was hard to place, it was almost void of emotion, though not completely, he almost sounded scared.
"Yes, I've been struggling with it for almost half my life because of you," Samuel sniffled and tried to dry his tears but they kept coming. Even so, he stubbornly kept talking, and not just a few short words, this was the most he had said to him in one go in years,
"It's not over twenty years ago to me. It's just days ago. It's however long it's been since the last nightmare or the last flashback and can't just ignore it or move past it. If I could I would, believe me. I would want nothing more than to just forget about it but my brain just won't let me. And every second I have to see you or talk to you is time I'm at risk for reliving it. So, no, I can't ignore it. And I have to tell my children about it so I won't scare them again. And I need to tell Roman about it so he knows something might happen and I won't hurt him again."
Samuel paused for a moment and took a deep breath to collect himself. His heart was beating in a way that was so uncomfortable, hard and fast and he could feel it in his ears. His fist was clenched hard. But he needed to get everything straight.
"The last thing I want is for Sebastian and the others to find out in a bad way and not feel the same about you anymore. I don't want them to grow up in a home where they have to be afraid. We're not going to tell them, and we can make sure our kids don't tell them. But don't you dare act as if it didn't happen. You don't deserve to have people treat you as if it didn't happen. Because I have to live with it every fucking day. And I can't even act as if it didn't happen because I'm terrified of you."
That was something Samuel had never wanted to admit to his father's face. He was scared that he would use the knowledge that he was afraid of him against him. But it was also aware that he needed to hear to realise how badly he had fucked up as a parent.
"The fact that you disapprove of our relationship isn't why we don't talk, you realise that right? It's because you traumatized me."
Manuel just stared again, and Samuel stared back, right into his eyes for a moment until he just couldn't any more and averted them. When his father spoke again it was in the most uncertain voice he had ever heard him speak in,
"Samuel, I'm sorry, I didn't realise... I... I won't... I won't try to put it past us. Or act as if it's nothing, if it needs to be part of the discussion, I'll let it be."
Samuel just nodded. He wasn't sure what answer he had expected from his dad. He would have wanted more of an apology, he wanted him to explicitly say 'I'm sorry for hitting you, I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for making you miserable' and so many more sorries. But this was still his dad, and him sacrificing the one thing he had had as a condition, at least in part since he knew Samuel and Roman wouldn't tell his children anything, was probably the most they'd get from him.