[Samuel x Roman]

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"I ... well, I felt terrible," Roman admitted. He wasn't going to sugar coat it when Samuel needed to hear the truth. That wasn't the kind of person Roman was. He was honest, and honesty was what Samuel needed in that moment.

"I felt like ... like something was wrong with me, like I had a terrible problem and I'd never be normal. I also felt that because of it, and because of my haemophilia and everything else, I was some sort of freak, and like I wasn't good enough." Roman licked his lips. "That's ... that's how I feel during an anxiety attack," he confessed. So, some part of Roman still felt like that, but it had been suppressed by the overwhelming confidence he had now.

"But after a while, after I'd been on my meds for a few months, I started to feel a lot better and I started to grow my confidence. Because I wasn't trembling at night anymore, I wasn't constantly second-guessing myself and worrying about everything I did. I felt better."

Roman turned to Samuel and gave him a tender, affectionate look. "And you'll feel better too."
 
Samuel listened to Roman talk carefully, making sure to really take what he was saying to heart and try to use it to make his own situation make more sense. Samuel felt like his situation obviously wasn't as bad as Roman's had been, because Roman's anxiety was something new upon something else. Samuel didn't really feel like "some sort of freak" but he did seriously feel like there was something wrong with him, and he supposed there was, just not in the way he imagined it. There was something about him that wasn't okay and he had just never liked differing from the norms much.

"Thanks for telling me," Samuel said honestly, it wasn't a fun story, far from it in fact, but Samuel knew he needed to hear that. Roman had felt terrible about it too but the Roman Samuel knew felt a lot better now, confident and amazing. And even when Roman wasn't feeling to well he always got back up on his feet again, "I love you so much."

Then he took a deep breath, "Okay, Let's do this,"

Samuel actually managed a very small smile. He could get through this, he had Roman by his side and if Samuel really tried he could be strong like him too. So he put the first pill far back in his mouth, swallowed it down with some water and a grimace because he still found the feeling unpleasant and did the same with the next. And then he was done. It wasn't more than that really. He still wasn't a hundred percent okay with it but hopefully, he would be at some point.
 
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Roman was immensely proud of Samuel for taking his pills. He knew it wasn't easy to start medication, and he knew that especially for males, there was a lot of stigma around the action. But Samuel was going to get better, he was sure of it. It was only a matter of time.

Roman took both glasses and both pill organisers, set it all on the bedside table, laid down with Samuel and pulled the covers up.

"Goodnight," He said to Samuel, kissing him on the side of the head and cuddling up to him. "I love you."

That was the same position Roman found himself in five days later, on a chilly Friday evening. He was snuggled up to his boyfriend in the middle of the night, so it was no surprise that he woke up when Samuel started to squirm. He initially thought it was because Samuel was uncomfortable being so entangled with him, but then he realised that Samuel was drenched in sweat, and he had an immensely troubled look on his face.

He was having a nightmare.

"Samuel," Roman called, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Samuel, it's alright, you're just having a bad dream."
 
The next five days Samuel started taking notes on how many bad dreams he had a night and he found that it was getting a little better, although they were still working on upping his dosage gradually. Because he was sleeping better had a little extra energy so even if the anti-depressants had yet to properly kick in he felt a little better during the days too. The dreams weren't completely gone, though, and this night seemed to be proof of that.

The dream he had been having was one of the most vivid ones yet and being awoken in the middle of the realistic dream had him more thrown off than ever. Usually, after waking up after the worse bad dreams he'd sit there in a disassociative state for a while, because he had been waking up naturally he knew it was over but it took him a while to figure out what was real and what wasn't.

Now, however, he woke up to Roman's voice but was only aware of it for a couple of moments before he slipped out of reality again, back to being yelled at, back to wincing as he tried to avoid violence that wasn't happening.

"Stop, stop, I'm sorry!" He sat up and automatically he felt himself curl up into a ball and grip his hair like he had last time, completely unaware of Roman next to him or Lady's surprised barks at his sudden outburst all he knew that the next touch was something that he needed to protect himself from.
 
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Roman jumped back when Samuel moved forward. He had no idea what to do. He had been reading up a little on PTSD and knew that what Samuel was experiencing right now was rather common. But what he did not know was how to bring Samuel out of this state and back into the real world.

He figured that perhaps if he touched Samuel, on the arm or maybe the shoulder, it would bring him back. That sometimes happened when he was having a really bad anxiety attack, and it certainly stopped him from hurting himself. So, he laid a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder carefully.

"Samuel, babe, it's just a dream," he said softly.
 
When Samuel felt something touch his shoulder he reacted almost instantly. While this touch was real so felt every other and in Samuel's head the only people in the room, which was not his and Roman's bedroom in their little apartment but instead his childhood bedroom back in Maryborough, was him and his dad.

So he let go of his hair and shoved blindly in the direction where the hand on his shoulder, which in the moment had been utterly terrified and he was completely sure it was there to keep him from getting away rather than to comfort. Samuel was strong normally, he didn't use that strength against people and even if he would it would never be his full strength. Now he did use his full strength because he saw no reason to restrict it.

Of course what this really meant what the Samuel had just his full strength to hit Roman. Roman who not only was weak to begin with but completely unprepared at the random action and Samuel had no idea of what he had just done.
 
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Maybe he should have been, but Roman definitely was not prepared for the shove. Samuel was a very strong man, and Roman was very light, meaning that a shove of such nature easily sent him to the ground. He hit the entire right side of his body against the wooden floor, and the back of his head against the bedside table. His head then ricocheted off the bedside table and whacked onto the floor as well. Roman grunted, and he knew this was going to bruise badly.

He looked up at the bed where Samuel was still in his trance. Of course, he knew Samuel hadn't meant to hurt him, and that he likely didn't even know what had just happened. Roman also knew that if he touched Samuel again he would get hurt again, so he decided to avoid doing that.

Standing up took some effort but he managed. Roman turned on the lamp on his bedside table, pulled an epi-pen out of the cabinet built into it and injected the contents into a vein in his arm, all the while keeping a careful eye on Samuel. He then turned off the light and limped out to the hall, where he pulled some of the spare blankets and a pillow out of the linen cupboard. He limped into the living room and set up a makeshift bed on the couch.

There, Roman laid down on his good side. He knew that the right side of his face and body would be badly bruised in the morning. But he didn't care about that -- he just cared about Samuel.

So, he listened out for his boyfriend in case anything else happened. When he was pretty sure Samuel was sleeping again, he allowed himself to drift back into an uncomfortable slumber as well.
 
The time it took for Samuel to calm down and realize where he was again and stop sobbing was about the same time it took him to fall back asleep, which meant he had no time to really reflect on what had happened. Not that he knew what he had done, there was no way from him to really know what had been real and what hadn't.

When he woke up the next day he was tired, he remembered last night as being especially bad, not what actually happened. He remembered struggling extra hard with coming back to reality, on par with how he had been at the park but he didn't know if it had been due to a dream or if he had actually had a flashback, he felt horrible though and he was slowly starting to realize it was the latter.

What was really throwing him off though was the fact that Roman wasn't there with him. He realized this because he really felt like he needed a hug and also because it was a Saturday, usually he woke up first on Saturdays. He found his phone on the bedside table and saw that it was eight o clock in the morning, meaning way too early for Roman to have woken up. Suddenly Samuel got a really worried.

He quickly sat up and was about to hurry out of bed when he had to stop himself because the sudden movement made him dizzy, it was a side effect of the medication he used for his dreams, at least for as long as his body was getting used to them. So, he sat for a moment and then tried standing up again, calmer this time, and walked out of the bedroom at a reasonable pace, heart beating as the worry grew.

"Roman?" He asked carefully as he walked down the short hallway from their room to the kitchen and living area.

At first, when he saw Roman sleeping on the couch, feet awkwardly dangling off the edge because of his height Samuel felt relieved because he thought he had just been overreacting. Maybe Samuel really had been awake and seeing things and Roman had headed off to the couch for some peace and quiet.

But then he saw the bruises. The terrible bruises and he instantly knew he had caused them, he didn't remember it but that was the only explanation that made sense.

Samuel hurried over to the couch and slid down on the floor next to Roman, he leaned over and gently moved his head to the side a little to assess the damage. Samuel instantly started crying. It looked terrifying, like it always did when Roman was hurt. But now it was his fault. Samuel did this. Not someone else. And he absolutely hated himself for it.
 
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Roman woke up the next morning at the feeling of gentle fingers on his face. After a few seconds of struggling to actually open one eye, since it was quite swollen, he finally wrenched them open to see his crying boyfriend in front of him. And in that moment, he knew Samuel knew, and he felt sick.

Roman sat up, and the blankets slid off his body and onto the floor. Roman had worn a pair of loose shorts and a tank top to bed the night before, meaning that his legs and arms were exposed. His right arm and leg were covered in the same deep, splotchy, purple bruises as the right side of his face. His eye was swollen slightly and his lip was cut. He couldn't move his right fingers without experiencing a lot of pain.

But he didn't care. Because it was an accident.

"Listen to me," he said before anything else, his voice soft and gentle and nurturing. He slid down onto the floor beside Samuel, wincing a little at how it hurt to bend his leg. He brushed Samuel's tears off his cheeks with his uninjured left hand. "I don't blame you for this, okay? It was an accident. I touched you when you were freaking out and you thought I was him, so you defended yourself. You didn't mean to hurt me and I know that. This was no one's fault. This was an accident."

Roman knew Samuel wouldn't see it that way and he knew he would blame himself. That was inevitable. Still, Roman was going to try his damn best to convince Samuel of this. "Are you okay now?"
 
"I'm so sorry," Samuel whispered through the tears. Roman's words really weren't getting through to him. Of course Roman was saying it wasn't his fault, because Roman was kind and perfect and deserved someone who didn't hurt him.

He pressed his palms to his eyes and willed himself to stop crying. He didn't really deserve to. It was Roman who was hurt. Roman whose entire right side of his body was covered in horrible purple splotches. All because of Samuel, all because he was so fucked up he couldn't tell the difference between his boyfriend and a fucking hallucination.

And there was nothing telling if Samuel would do this again. There was nothing telling if next time would be worse. What if he knocked Roman out completely? What if he couldn't get to his epipen? What if he laid bleeding out on the floor while Samuel just sat there thinking he was somewhere else. What if… Samuel stopped himself from thinking further.

"It's not safe for you to be with me," He decided in a whisper and reached out a trembling hand to touch the left side of Roman's face. His beautiful face which right side was swollen and purple and wounded because of Samuel, "I'm sorry Roman, I love you, this is my fault, I did this to you, I'm sorry,"
 
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That kind of talk honestly scared Roman. It made it sound like Samuel was going to break up with him, or leave him in order to keep him safe. That was the last thing Roman wanted to happen. He loved his boyfriend, more than anything in the world, even if he had accidentally hurt him. This incident did not put Samuel on the same plane as Christian, or Indie, or even Manuel.

Roman reached out and cupped the back of Samuel's head, causing him to look at him properly. "Samuel, listen to me, please," he begged. "You did not hit me, or punch me, or slap or kick or bite or anything like that. You only knocked me off the bed and I was unprepared. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll know what to do and what not to do and everything will go a lot smoother."

Roman then looked at Samuel with a pleading expression in his eyes. "Please, please don't talk like that. Like you're going to leave me to keep me safe. That isn't what I want and I'm never going to want that. I love you, more than anything. Leaving would hurt me more than this."
 
This time Samuel was hearing what Roman as saying and he felt yet another twinge of guilt as he realized he was hurting Roman with his words as well. He didn't want that either, he didn't ever want to hurt Roman in any way at all.

"I'm sorry, I love you too, so much," He wished he could pull Roman in for a hug but that would only hurt him more. But he could try to help. Try to make up for what he did and maybe it would be slightly more okay.

So, he took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together. He was emotional right now so he wasn't thinking rationally. He had hurt Roman, yes, terribly so and he felt absolutely horrible and if being close to him would put his life to risk Samuel honestly didn't want that. But he wasn't going to leave him, not after everything they had been through. And they couldn't even be sure something like this would happen again, Samuel had just started taking his medication, he was going to get better, maybe good enough for this to never happen.

Besides, as horrible as it was, accidentally hurting Roman was kind of inevitable. Samuel had seen London do it, he had seen the pets do it, it would be unrealistic to think that Samuel never would. He would have hope for it to be something that felt more like a true accident, something that wasn't him using violence against him. But this was how it had ended up and he couldn't change it.

"How bad does it hurt?" Samuel said, still feeling bad but a little more calm and collected, "I'll help you back to the bed and get you your painkillers if you need them."
 
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"Not ... pretty bad, actually." Roman had been planning to lie and downplay the pain but he knew Samuel didn't need that right now. He needed to be honest. "But only when I try to bend my arm or leg. Just sitting like this is fine." That was true.

"Okay, I'll let you baby me for one day," he teased gently, leaning forward to kiss Samuel on the lips, before he used the couch to pull himself upright. He was still limping, but with Samuel's help he managed to get back to the bed and sit down, leaning against a fat wall of cushions so he could sit upright.

He had caught a glance of his reflection in the floor-length hall mirror. He looked terrible. But it was an accident so he wasn't going to dwell on it.

"Okay, my painkillers are in the cabinet," he said, pointing to the bedside table with the built-in cupboard. "And my bruising cream is in there too. Need to take my regular meds too, they're in the pill organiser."
 
Samuel was relieved to hear that Roman wasn't in too much pain at least. Even if the pain he now knew he was in didn't do anything to ease his guilt. He did manage a small chuckle at the mention at babying him though. Samuel was going to be sure to do that if he had the permission to.

He helped Roman into the bedroom and after getting some instructions to where he would find anything Roman needed he pressed a kiss to Roman's forehead and headed off to get everything.

He also went into the kitchen to grab a bottle of coke. He stayed there a couple of moments extra, just to calm himself down a little again and tell himself that everything would be alright before getting back to Roman. He also grabbed his own pill organizer because he sure as hell wasn't about to forget about his own medication that day. He needed to get better so this didn't happen again.

He placed all things Roman had asked for on the bedside table before sitting down next to him on the edge of the bed.

"I think that's everything, tell me I I missed something or you need anything else," he reached out to brush some of Roman's hair from his face, "so you want me to go make you some breakfast or help you with the bruise cream or something?" His voice was weak and a little quiet still but he was trying to get it back more to normal for Roman's sake.
 
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"Breakfast sounds nice," Roman murmured, giving his boyfriend a gentle smile. He tipped his pills out into his hand and took them with a large mouthful of Coke. It hurt to open his mouth too wide, but he ignored that and didn't let Samuel know.

"I should be alright with the bruising cr --"

"Roman, it's us," London's voice called, located in the hallway. Before Roman could respond or do anything to cover up the damage, London came through the open bedroom door, holding her infant with her boyfriend in tow. "We're going down to the shops, we were just wondering if you wanted any -- Jesus Christ."

London cut off as she finally looked up from her baby's askew cap and her eyes landed on her twin brother. They widened, and she covered her mouth with her hand. "What happened?"

"I fell off the bed," Roman answered, gripping Samuel's hand with his left one. It technically wasn't a lie and hopefully London and Evan would buy it.
 
"What happened? Did Samuel want all of the bed to himself and kick you out," Evan joked as an attempt to light up the mood after getting to see Roman in such a terrible state. Of course, the point of the joke was that Samuel would never do such a thing. But since it was what had happened it didn't really work and Samuel didn't find it very funny at all.

Samuel hadn't even realized he was about to cry before it was to late to stop it. He still attempted to by wiping them away but they didn't do much.

"Jesus, Samuel I was just joking, I don't actually think you pushed him out of bed," Evan had realized something his said had upset his friend and his voice was full of concern and he was looking between Roman and London with an utterly confused expression as if to ask what the hell he did wrong.

Samuel didn't really know what to do or say. He hated crying in front of anyone who wasn't Roman, even if he had cried in front of Evan before. And he was just very tired of crying in general.

"... are you okay? I'm sorry?" Samuel shook is head because he wasn't okay, this morning had been a lot and on top of it he felt selfish for taking the concern that should have been directed to Roman by starting to cry. Evan seemed to realize Samuel wasn't able to talk so he glanced over at Roman, "What's going on?"
 
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"Shh, baby, shhhh," Roman coaxed, pulling Samuel close, pressing him against his chest. He rubbed his boyfriend's muscular back with his good hand and kissed him on the top of the head in an attempt to soothe him. "Shhhh."

London set Allison on her feet and gently told the little girl to go and find Lola to give her some snuggles. Once her child was gone, London straightened up and wrung her hands together, her eyes flickering between Samuel and Roman. "Is ... has something happened?"

Roman took a deep breath. They would have had to tell Evan and London eventually, and, well, this seemed like the best opportunity. "I'm going to tell them, okay, baby?" he whispered to Samuel, before looking up at his sister and her boyfriend with a hesitant expression. He leaned his chin on Samuel's head to keep him close.

"Samuel was diagnosed with PTSD on Monday," he told the both of them. "He was having a ... an episode, I guess you could call it, last night, and I put my hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He thought I was a threat so he pushed me off the bed."

London raised a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"It was an accident," Roman continued. "He didn't mean to hurt me and I'm not blaming him for what happened. It was an accident."
 
Roman saying he was going to tell them was actually kind of relief. He didn't know what to really say and as Roman told them about what and why it had happened Samuel focused on trying to calm down, it was hard though because he knew holding him like this possibly could hurt Roman because of the bruises.

When Roman was done the room was quiet for a moment, save Samuel's soft crying.

"Is that what happened in the park?" Evan asked finally and carefully still more directed to Roman but Samuel felt like he should be able to answer too.

"yeah," Samuel managed to get out but didn't pull out from Roman's embrace and didn't stop sniffling into his chest.

"Is it because of your dad?" Evan asked then.

"... yeah," Samuel had never really talked to Evan about how he had actually been treated by his dad but Samuel knew Charlie had always suspected it and Evan wasn't to dumb to have figured it out by now.

"That's horrible," Evan decided, walked around to Roman and Samuel and put a hand on Samuel's shoulder to get his attention. Samuel pulled away from Roman to be able to look at his friend properly and was right away pulled into another hug.

Samuel had never been very affectionate with his friends from higschool, for plenty of very obvious reasons. Not even Evan who was the most understanding of the friends he had had back then, the most understanding of his friends now too probably. But either way the hug was welcomed and it was nice to know he had the support of a friend.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this, don't blame yourself for this though, cus Roman obviously isn't blaming you." Evan mumbled before pulling away, "and as hard as it is for me to admit that Roman is right about something I have to agree this time,"

Between Roman's embrace and Evan's jokes and hugs Samuel was actually feeling a little better and wasn't crying anymore.

"You should always agree with Roman, he's always right," Samuel joked back and whipped the last couple of tears.

"Lies," It was nice to hear him express his rivalry with Roman like that, normal. Like things should be.
 
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Roman chuckled slightly, despite the situation. "You just can't admit it when you're wrong," he gently teased Evan, punching him on the shoulder with absolutely no force or effort behind the action.

London finally moved from her place beside the door. She went to Roman first, kissing him on the uninjured cheek and the left side of his forehead, then went to Samuel and kissed him on the cheek also. She finally settled down beside Evan, but not before she noticed the two different pill organisers on the bedside cabinet.

"You're taking meds?" she asked Samuel softly. "That's good. They help."

Roman nodded in agreement, still gently rubbing his boyfriend's back. He knew what the support from their friends and family meant to Samuel. He needed it, just as Roman needed it for his anxiety and his haemophilia.

"But, like, we actually do have to go grocery shopping," London chuckled. "You need anything?"

So, Roman gave her a small shopping list and they set off. Roman sighed and leaned back into the cushions, before reaching out and rubbing Samuel's shoulder. "You okay?"
 
"Yeah I am," Samuel sighed a little but he did kind of feel better overall. It was nice that London and Evan knew now and it was nice that they didn't blame Samuel for hurting Roman either, that was three people's opinions and while he always trusted and valued Roman's he knew his boyfriend was to nice for his own good sometimes.

"Thank you for explaining it to them, I don't think I would have been able to" he gave Roman a proper and appreciative smile, "I love you,"

Then he stood up and clapped his hands together.

"Okay, you promised to let me baby you so that's what I'm doing today. What to you want for breakfast?"
 
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