I'm absolutely sure of it now.
I'm going insane.
I hear voices in my head, other people talk through my mouth from inside me, I blurt things that surprise even me, I make random noises and movements, I imaging horrid things, and I think I enjoy those horrid thoughts. I'm constantly wearing a mask to hide my pain and anguish from everyone, even myself, for fear that the voices will berate me for being such a little bitch and crying, or that people around me will take pity on me.
"You're supposed to be a man," they say. "Men don't cry like little babies."
Some are nice, though. They try to cheer me up. But they're also the same ones that make me doubt my sanity. I try to convince myself I'm fine, I'm just one of those creative, weird people like all my friends. Put the mask on so tight I start to think it's my face.
But then something happens, and the knot loosens, the mask slips, the illusion falters. Self-preservation kicks in and I try to put it back on, to re-convince myself I'm fine.
But there's always a little bit of doubt that stays.
And that little bit of doubt is all that is needed to break me.
I know I'm going insane, but I don't want to. I grasp onto my last bit of sanity like a lost child clings to his teddy for fear of losing it just as he has lost his way.
I don't want to go insane. I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to wear this goddamned mask anymore, giving off subtle hints that it's not my face via jokes, hoping that someone will pick up on the masquerade and pull it off and help me.
And yet I keep going, afraid that people will pity me. I don't want pity. I hate being pitied. I despise it when people pity me, it makes me feel like they think I'm helpless, like a small child.
I'm not a child. At least, I don't want to be, but I don't want to be an adult, either.
All I want is control over myself again. I just want to be alone in my head, and not feel all this pain and anguish that makes me so emotional and emotionally uncontrollable. I want to not have to wear this mask. I want to be me and just me.
When did I turn down this path? When did it start? Why?