This is Buck Biff with Iwaku Channel Five news coming to you from our local Wal-Mart where a castle risen from the parking lot has forced employees and customers alike to flee the scene carrying as much candy as humanly possible! The design of the castle and headless gargoyles lead us to believe that this is the castle of the Headless Horseman! For those of you who haven't been keeping up to date (and shame on you for missing out on my gorgeous looks for even one day of news!), the Headless Horseman is the fiend responsible for the rampant destruction of candy factories and dentist offices alike while hoarding all the candy from the factories for himself despite his lack of an operating mouth!
The first sighting of this monster was well over a month ago just as the Halloween hype began! Police have been unable to do...well much of anything ever since human resources replaced the police with a team of lovable chimps with guns! The military is...well...let's be honest...who knows what the fuck they're doing anymore!? Point is that no one has been able to stop the Headless Horseman! With the destruction of the candy factories and dentist offices Halloween is in perilous danger! Not only is there not enough candy to go around, but the fortunate souls who DO get candy will have no way to fix those Halloween cavities! Who stop him! Who will save the--Dammit, Steve I'm in the middle of our broadcast, what is--
JESUS CHRIST, ITS THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN! GET IN THE NEWS VAN!!! HOLY FUCK HE'S-
...Oh dear, I do hope Buck is okay...........And in other news, reports of irradiated candy corn is bestowing bizarre powers to those who consume them. Scientists are...*click*