Fight School [OOC/Signup]

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Name
Lydia "Melo" Melostic

I.D. Number
93748201

Rank
C3

Year
1st Year

Nationality
Chinese/Vietnamese

Age
15 years old

Sex/Gender:
Female

Appearance:
girl-short-hair-anime-cute-draw-Favim.com-783953.png



She is quite short, thus vertically challenged, standing at 4'6" in height. Her hair is a light, hazel colour however, she has two different coloured eyes. Her left eye is a burning, bright golden colour while her right eye is an icy, light cyan. She keeps the cyan coloured eye a secret by wearing contact lens on the cyan eye, however, she recently has started keeping it off, much to her parents' dismay. She wears loose clothing, since she loathes tight clothing. Although usually seen in a dress, she dislikes them since they 'get in the way'. She always keeps a bow like pendent around her neck, however takes it off during combat. Finally, she is fairly light, weighing at 68 lbs. She is your typical tooth pick stick, but despite her physical appearance, she is an experienced fighter, and she holds a lot of strength in that seemingly flimsy body of hers.

Fighting Style: Kung-Fu + Tessenjutsu

She can fight hand to hand combat due to her taking lessons behind her parents' back. She is a black belt in Kung-fu, taking it for years again, behind her parents' backs. She is currently a 1st degree black belt.

She is also experienced in Tessenjutsu, a form of martial arts with a Japanese war fan. Her parents originally wanted her to learn how to dance with it, with high hopes she would become a graceful heir. Yet, those dreams were shattered the moment she picked up the fan. She had been secretly practicing this technique for years, and she could be considered a high level opponent when given a fan.

Combining both fighting styles, Kung-fu, which revolves around patience, agility, and strength; along with Tessenjutsu, which revolves around quick and smooth movements, those two compliment each other, and she is able to fight without a fan just as well. This also allows her to conserve energy, as she moves gracefully yet swiftly to evade potential attacks. She keeps a fan with her wherever she goes, an iron one of course.

Powers
(These will not be used if she were to engage in a fair, non magic and no tricks-up-the-sleeve type of fight.)
She has enhanced defence from scales along her knees, elbows, and the bottom palms of her hands. These scales can act as armour, however, the scales are barely visible. She is also able to turn her hands into claws. She will not block with her scales in a fair fight, nor will she use her claws.

*No magic may be used unless she has a tome in her possession, with nullification as an exception.

She also has the capacity to perform magic upon giving her a tome, or if she had her grimoire along with her. The grimoire is usually kept with her, however when fighting in a strict hand to hand combat, she will not use any magic what so ever.

When going full on with no boundaries, it is possible for her to perform rituals regarding summoning, black magic, and the sort. She cannot perform any magic without her tome or grimoire.

She is also capable of white magic, with the proper tome that is. She is basically capable of performing any magic due to her high IQ. She makes a good nurse this way. However, she cannot use both black magic and white magic in the same battle.

*Finally, she is able to nullify other magic. This however, takes a lot of meditating and concentration, and this she must meditate before the battle to be able to do this. If not, her energy will drain greatly depending on the amount of mana used in a specific attack.

Personality
Despite looking like a doll and completely harmless, she is ruthless and very dark. She is a sadist who doesn't know boundaries. She seems to like torturing animals far more than she would like playing with dollies. However, she dislikes playing dirty, and she will do anything in her power to make any fight fair for both sides. If the other side were to demand a handicap for themselves, she will demand the exact same handicap regardless if the other person were stronger. She hated being pitied, and she has some discipline and honour in what she does.

At first, she is cheery and polite, coming from a rich family and learning manners to be more 'lady like'. She will be able to greet people properly, and she is quite good with her words. She prides herself in being deceiving and manipulative, and she is decent at masking her intentions.

Background
When she was a little girl, she was taught to be proper and lady like. Her parents refused to let her go outside, with the exception of the garden in the back. They also enrolled her into many private schools, all to which she refused to pay attention and to listen in. Surprisingly, she picked up a few things from the useful classes, and so she is much more smarter than she is given credit for. With her high IQ, it didn't take too long for her to get into the topic of magic. She would always borrow tomes and such from shady people and learn the arts of black magic, along with many others.

Back when she was 5 years old, they also made her learn how to dance with the fan. She was excelling in this, however, it bored her. She wanted to learn something new, and so every time she was unsupervised, she would begin practicing the art of Tessenjutsu on her own, also honing her athletic skills in the process. Her parents noticed her sudden spike of improvement in gym class, and when to investigate. They found her using a wooden fan in combat against a man who had tried to kidnap her. Her parents were amazed however, they put even more strict rules on her after witnessing said event.

One day, after sneaking out of the mansion through the work of previous tomes she had purchased, she picked up a book with a dragon design emblemed on the cover, and she bought it with the money her parents gave her. She had a small fortune, and so she was one of the best customers. She brought home the book, and in the middle of the night, she performed a ritual in hopes to summon a dragon. She succeeded, however, instead of having a chat with it, the dragon had begun taking over some of her body in an attempt to possess her. Having some white magic tomes on her as well, she used a spell to halt the dragon and sent it back to hell. She was unable to do this unharmed, as she had burns on her knees, elbows, and the lower palms of her hands. The burns soon turned into scales, much to her fear.

She had desperately tried hiding them from her parents, and at the age of 7, she had found a man who snuck into her parents' garden, and the man threatened to kill her. She had began using what she knew about Tessenjutsu against him. The man was skilled in Kung-fu, and upon seeing the potential and the child, he offered her a deal. She would give him food, in return he will teach her Kung-fu. She accepted to this, and she had been learning it since.

Years later, her parents finally gave up. At the age of 15 (present), they gave in and decided to send her to a combat academy. She was thrilled, and they were the ones paying her tuition. She would also be living in the dorms according to them, mainly because 'they couldn't stand having to buy new decorations to replace the old ones.' She is currently studying magic and physical combat, focusing more on her physique.

Although, she still wonders why after all that practice, why she is still so damn short. That, may remain a mystery.

First rule of fight school: Do not fail fight school!
Article:
Catch Phrase: No fun, no fun.
Theme song:
 
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I like her... Good opponent for Wish... >:3
If she was a higher rank, of course. XD
 
I see there's yet another banner for the rp
Looks
Creepy
But also cool
 
@Teomessos

The following is a Co-Review done by Greased Smitening, with assistance from Beta.


The first few sections...all in order. Fine.


Appearance. The picture is meh. I don't really like it, as it makes her look 10, but it works in the end, I suppose. However, a 4'6 child that weighs 68 pounds is a child dying of anorexia. There's underweight, but that's pushing it too far.


Fighting Styles: Sorry, but this section is in clear violation of Fight School's rules. If you are going to have 2 fighting styles, neither of them can be at, above, or near black belt level. And I cannot even tell what level the Tessenjutsu is. On the note of tessenjutsu, since, in practically every case, combatants of New Peaks fight unarmed, her tessenjutsu would be utterly useless as she would be barred her fans unless combating a similarly armed opponent.


Powers: This one infuriated me, as it only tells me that you did not fully read the rules. First off: Only one power per character, at least during first year, so one of those two, even without edits, would have to go. Now onto the powers themselves.


The dragon thing is also overdoing it. Scales, fine. Claws, fine. But not together. For now, only one would be admissible. In addition, the scales need to be visible in some way.


As for the magic? No. The rules of Fight School clearly state that powers are meant to be MINOR AUGMENTATIONS to their person at most. This whole magic with tomes thing is way too far over the top. To put it simply...Shotaro's power is the strongest in New Peaks, and only because he is a 4th-year student, thus he is also the strongest fighter. This magic stuff easily has the potential to fry Shotaro. Thus, this power is completely unacceptable. Something you need to keep in mind, right now. Just because she will 'refuse to use' these powers in a fight does NOT mean she is at an equal power level to the accepted cast. There is a distinct difference, and this entire power system is overpowered, unacceptable, and unusable due to New Peaks' rules about fighting unarmed. One particular phrase I dislike is 'she is basically capable of using any magic due to her high IQ'. This is a prime example of Mary Sue-ing, or making a character perfect in some way, a practice Beta and I frown greatly upon.


In addition, the ability to nullify others' powers is also incredibly overpowered, and also unacceptable, for many of the same reasons I stated above.


Personality: While I'm sure a sadistic adorable little girl sounds great on paper, in reality it is a greatly overused and tired cliché. This is not to say clichés are bad; Shotaro is a typical jock, for example. But Beta put personality quirks and other unique bits into his character that differentiate him from Johnny McPunchface. Lydia here is completely cut-and-dry murder kawaii-type. She has no notable personality quirks of note that would make her any different than a video game character just plunked in her place. And as for the second part of her personality, the honor...a sadist would not, under any circumstances, refuse a handicap on their opponent, and WOULD be dirty and underhanded at all turns. Sadism, the desire and pleasure of seeing others suffer, contradicts honor, a code that makes one adhere to their beliefs. An 'honorable' sadist would not allow an even playing score; rather, they would poison their foe before a fight. The rest of it? Fine. People can be polite upfront and gossip and insult behind one's back.


NOW then...here's where things get rough for me.

There is a lot to say here. Because of this, I will try to separate this review into sections, with each one devoted to one paragraph of your backstory.

Paragraph 1:

HOW many private schools did she go to? And why would she be going to so many anyways? Was she kicked out for some reason? All I see here is that she was bored in school. That's typical of children, but in no way warrants private school-hopping. Moreover, how does picking up 'a few useful things' in classes give her a higher IQ than ANY typical student? If anything, since she refused to pay attention in most classes, her IQ should be lower than that of a typical student and she should be under-educated.

'With her high IQ, it didn't take her long to get into the topic of magic'. I don't know any conventional private schools that would be teaching their students magic, so it's hard to imagine where her INITIAL interest in magic came from. Secondly, how the heck is this girl, at such a young age, encountering these 'shady types' so often if their rules are so incredibly strict? These must have been terrible parents if she was able to sneak out so regularly and at such a young age. Speaking of which, there's no way she'd be able to make it more than a block or two from her house at her young age. All this leads to a, while pretty-looking, unbelievable account right off the bat.


Paragraph 2:

You confused me here. Her parents taught her to move with fans. She wanted to learn something new, however, so she...learned how to move with fans... just while no one was watching her? This seems redundant and contradictory. Not to mention, where in the world is she practicing this tessenjutsu? Not in her room alone, as at age 5 there's no way she'd be able to learn a martial art such as that without a mentor. And this harkens back to the horrible security you have her parents having in the first paragraph, in addition to the unbelievably powerful sense of direction and vitality of a five year old girl to go anywhere outside the house on her own.

And then you totally go off the deep end. Her parents saw better grades, so they go to check on her...why? And then she's suddenly fighting a kidnapper? Without telling us how they found her, where, or what the heck was happening? This is a plot hiccup which needs to not exist. But as for the fight itself? Even if she has a war fan, any competent kidnapper can easily overpower a young girl. It's a simple matter of, he's a big strong man, and she's only a year or two off training pants. No child of her age can have the strength and dexterity to incapacitate, or even hold off, a full-grown adult male. And then her parents were amazed...so what do they do? Put stricter rules on her. That makes zero sense. And it makes even less sense when you continue to have her sneaking out in the future paragraphs, meaning they clearly did not impose any rules regarding security, another layer of unbelievability.


Paragraph 3:

This is where the story completely loses me. Her parents, if they were even remotely responsible, even though they are rich, would be controlling all of their daughter's affairs right now. Since we're still assuming the security at her parents' mansion is terribly lax and she has the energy and speed to go to the tome store and back without them noticing, I'll let that pass. But she should have little more than pocket change, not 'a small fortune'. Unless she stole her parents' credit cards, but I don't see that happening. And that isn't even taking into account that by some logic... a five year old who would realisticially be reading books like "See Spot Run"... can somehow comprehend and PERFORM the complex rituals contained in a magical grimoire.

And right there is where the paragraph should end. In this universe, while parahumans resembling dragons or other reptilian beasts do indeed exist, full-on dragons do not, so this summoning is impossible. But let's say it was possible. A 5-7 year old should be utterly incapable of the powerful magic necessary to summon something as powerful as a dragon; children simply cannot contain that much mana, as such a summon, in general, might require more than one magic user in their prime to summon it, let alone control it. This girl'd be lucky to summon a housecat at her best. Assuming she even had a clue what she was speaking.


Next: Since when do dragons have the power to possess people, and when do they come from hell? Demons come from hell, but I've never heard of a helldragon. Possession is not a power any dragons would possess. And even if it did, the guy who sold her this book is a terribly irresponsible man, as selling a book that contains such evil to an irresponsible, inexperienced child is cause for imprisonment. And lastly...'burns turned into scales'? That makes even less sense than the dragon possessing her, and is physically impossible. One cannot make something from nothing; since you've made absolutely no note of the dragon's fire being in any way magical, the only source of those scales would be her own body's healing mechanism-and trust me, she'd be lucky if she didn't just get scarred there for life.. And just as a side note....her parents noticed NONE of this summoning? Even if it WAS the middle of the night...a sudden dragon being summoned inside the house would cause quite a ruckus that would result in a little girl being tossed in juvenile hall or the insane asylum.


Paragraph 4:

Wait. She still isn't even 10 yet? All this happened in 2 years? That's impossible. She's far too young to have accomplished any of the things you have written. I know I've said it more than once already, but I need to hammer this fact home: You're having your character do too much at too young an age.

The man 'threatened to kill her', then all of a sudden changed his tune when she showed off a little tessenjutsu skill? Either this man is a complete and utter nutcase, or he never had intent to kill her in the first place. As with the kidnapper, it would have been no trouble at all for a full-grown man, even a homeless one, as it appears you have made him out to be, to overpower her and kill her in any number of ways. This entire part of the story makes absolutely no sense. And again, her parents seemed not to mind a murderer now teaching their daughter kung fu? These parents deserve to be put to death for their ignorance.


Paragraph 5:

So...if her parents gave up...they WERE aware of all this stuff going on? If that's the case, they should (and easily could) have stopped her at ANY point in time. This story hinges on so many inhuman, physically (and magically) impossible acts happening all in the timespan of 2 years that it becomes completely unbelievable and weak when put together, I am afraid to say. You need to write more rationally: If you were that person, would you REALLY act that way?

Paragraph 6:

She's so short because she is a late bloomer in terms of puberty; problem solved.

So, after all that review.....


No.


Nope.


This character will not be entering Fight School.


Although I know I was thorough, I felt it necessary to know what needs work with your writing style; that way you can look at what I've told you and use this as a stepping-stone to become a better writer. If, after you've read through, you want to make another attempt, take a good long look at the rules, absorb them, and make some heavy edits or start from scratch. Either or is fine.


That's all we've got to say.
 
@Greased Smitening

Alright, thank you for the criticism. I'm still adapting to all of this, so the more advice, the better! I'll keep in mind of what you said, and I'll apply it to my character in the future. Also, I'll practice organizing a character out more throughly before submitting them. Again, thank you~
 
Due to a repeated lack of posting and a lack of information as to why he is unable to post, @I.S. Zero has been kicked from this roleplay.
 
Did you bother to even ask him why?
I mean seriously...
I'm not trying to be rude but maybe he didn't want everyone to know
Maybe a PM to ask wouldn't hurt.
 
Did you bother to even ask him why?
I mean seriously...
I'm not trying to be rude but maybe he didn't want everyone to know
Maybe a PM to ask wouldn't hurt.

Reaching out to players to make sure they're still in is not the job of the GM, believe it or not. They don't have to notify someone they're being kicked if they don't show up or notify the GM after an allotted time. It's the job of the players to continue being active if they actually care enough about participating, or, at the very least, notifying the GM they'll be gone. "Not wanting someone to know," is a pretty bogus excuse, not that I've ever seen someone petty enough use it. I doubt it's the case in this instance either.
 
I have tried four times over the last week and a half to contact him, as a matter of fact. And heard nothing back whatsoever.

So yes, I tried. He neglected to respond. He is gone.
 
@Teomessos

If you want another piece of advice, here's one I didn't think of in my 5 am stupor:

Your character's backstory reminds me of Neo from the second and third Matrix movies. In that, whenever there is a 'tense moment' or fight scene, we NEVER get the feeling that Neo is in any sort of danger, because he's so busy beating up on a hundred Agent Smiths all at once that our suspension of disbelief goes into overdrive.

Likewise, your character, in any sort of danger or threat, just seems to superhumanly win or defeat said danger. I NEVER got the feeling that anything truly 'bad' happened to her. One prime step to making a better character is to have bad stuff happen to them and have them affected by the bad stuff. Not only does it add a lot of depth to a character, it also brings us back to reality to realize that your character isn't Superman.
 
*Has no idea who the hell Neo is but OKAY then.*

Well, thank you for the advice, again xD
I'll hopefully be able to improve on the whole introduction thing with a character. Yeah you can tell I'm not good with these things. I blame being in chatrooms for too long... Too many people speed role played and I adapted to that and I forgot about the important details... Ugh.. Back to square one.

@Greased Smitening
 
*Has no idea who the hell Neo is but OKAY then.*
........

New assignment. Go watch The Matrix. And then go watch the Matrix 2 and 3 to understand what I'm talking about.
 
@Serrek

Clearly someone did not read the rules, nor the guidelines for the CS Template.

Your CS is about as bare bones as I have ever seen for any of my RPs, and is in no way acceptable.

1. Your power borderlines on mind-altering, which is a big no-no.

2. Your Personality is a one-way ticket to a severe ass-kicking from more powerful students... who, considering you're going for E-2 Rank... is literally everyone else in the RP.

3. Your fighting style makes no sense... especially the "steady over the top defense moves and counter attacks"... how can something be steady AND over-the-top?

4. Your backstory is abysmal and explains absolutely nothing beyond "Heh. He's rich and an asshole. He also doesn't want to be here." ... it doesn't explain how he learned his fighting style, what led to him discovering his power (which he could use to convince his parents to not send him to New Peaks, so makes even LESS sense as to why he's there anyway), and finally doesn't come anywhere NEAR the THREE PARAGRAPH MINIMUM LENGTH of a backstory, as outlined in the CS Template.

================================================================================

I chatted with you in the chatbox, and I know you're newer to forum-based Role-Playing... but for the love of the gods, please read rules before you do something like this again. It makes things easier for you, for me, and for everyone when you do.
 
Well...lots of character submissions we're not finding acceptable, anyways.
 
You are right i should have made more sense and and my backstory was shit XD i would like to try again now that i have taken a nap. but if i do try again is weapons summoning or pyrokinesis to overpowered/not allowed?
 
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