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Riley's eyes snapped open. Pupils dilated, opened wide. His arm twitched and his body shivered.

He had had dreams before, terrible ones. But seeing her, seeing it all happen to her was too much. He stood up and clasped his palms to his forehead, trying to press the images out of his head. All the blood, all her blood...

He took a staggered breath. Aspen will worry. Calm down now. He wiped any emotion from his face, turning so he looked out the window.
 
Panic thrilled through Aspen as Riley woke up, shaking and gasping. Not panic for herself, but for him; she feared for him.

"Riley," she said, her voice serious. "Riley, its okay, don't worry, I'm here."

Aspen stood, and moved so she faced him. She looked into his eyes, but decided against touching him for the moment. She had to nearly crane her neck all the way back to look at his face properly, she was so short.
 
Riley turned to face her, exhausted. He was so tired of feeling calm and comfortable one moment, then panicked and wild the next. He was tired of dreams showing those closest to him in terrible positions. He was so damn tired of not knowing what was going on in his head. So damn tired of not knowing what he really wanted.

He felt weak as he placed his hands on Aspen's shoulders, letting out a long sigh. He counted as he exhaled, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. How could he be the supportive and liberating thing Aspen claimed he was in such a state. Riley cursed how he let his mask slip in her presence. If I should be in control around anyone it should be her. I shouldn't be worrying her all the time like this.

"I...I'm ok." He said decisively.
 
Aspen nodded, still keeping her distance. Not because she was scared, but because she didn't want to overwhelm him.

"It's four," she said calmly. "Almost time for you to see my mom."

Aspen picked up the copy of The Art of War from the floor and handed it to him. "Let me know what you think of it when you're done."
 
Riley shook his head. He silently hoped to himself that the doctor would listen to him this time. It seemed like every therapist he was sent to declared him as one thing or another without actually hearing what he was saying. He longed for something definitive. Something he could understand, account for, and move past.

He took the book from Aspen. He rememembered the words, "Know your enemy better than you know yourself." Well, he thought to himself, I don't understand shit about myself so that's no problem.

He thanked Aspen for the book and for taking him here again. The house always made him feel at peace at least for a few hours. Or maybe it was her.
 
Aspen smiled. Inside, she secretly worried whether Riley was okay, and she hoped her mother could help him.

Aspen hugged him gently, kissed him on the cheek and lead him back out to her car. "Lewis will probably be pissed that he had to walk home," she thought, laughing a little. "Good. He can suffer."

Aspen drove Riley to her mother's clinic, parking out the back. "Well, here we are," she said. "Did you want me to come in with you...?"
 
"No. Thank you," Riley replied as he took her hand in his, then kissed her knuckles. "for everything."

As he watched her car drive away, he mentally calculated the distance to his house and how long it would take him to walk there. He sighed at the result and tucked it away for another day. Riley opened the door to the office, the scent of fake leather and an overwhelming incense greeted him long before a bell signalled the front door had been opened.

Riley walked through the waiting room and rapped softly on the door to Doctor Carstairs' office.
 
Bethany opened the door to Riley. "Riley," she said in greeting. "It's good to see you." When Riley entered the room. Dr Carstairs quietly closed the door. "Have you been doing the breathing exercises I told you to do in our last session? How have they been working?"

As Dr Carstairs sat down, clipboard on her lap, she remembered how close Riley had gotten to Aspen. She had decided Riley was not likely to be violent, but ...
 
Riley nodded to the doctor's question, although he had been counting breaths since he was a child. He sat down across from the Doctor and leaned back in his chair, resigning himself to the meeting. "So, Doctor Carstairs, in your professional opinion, what should I be careful of psychologically concerning a hypothetical romantic relationship?"

Riley looked at the woman with a completely blank face. Although he had put on his usual public mask of nothing, he did want to hear the doctor respond to his question. He hadn't, entirely, meant it as a joke.
 
Dr Carstairs raised her eyebrows. Aspen, she thought immediately.

"Well, Riley, hypothetically, you must be careful to control your visions or impulses around whomever you might be romantically interested in," she said. "We don't want to hurt them, do we? Hypothetically. Now, I think it's very unlikely that you would hurt someone you care about, but if you seriously fear, hypothetically, that you would hurt them, you should automatically remove yourself from the situation."

Dr Carstairs looked at Riley carefully, studying his face. "Riley, I do believe you have improved since you started visiting me, and I'm incredibly happy that you're showing positive feelings towards another person. But, you still need to be incredibly careful. Anymore questions about this particular topic?"
 
"Of course I wouldn't want to hurt them..." Riley went quiet and looked down. His gaze shifted around the bottom of the room. Table legs, chairs, carpet, all turning him away. He eventually found the window. The fresh light and the memory of cool air against his skin slowly brought Riley back out of himself.

After ten minutes of silence that felt like ten heavy hours, Riley sat forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Of course I don't want to hurt her." He looked at the Doctor's hands. "But it's not up to me." He paused. "I don't get to decide to what or where my mind goes." Pause. "It's like... Like there's two of me. I'm not schizo Doctor, that's not what I'm saying. Both of the me's are me. It just... I don't feel like I have control over that other side. Sometimes I agree with it, sometimes I don't."

"When I don't, Doctor, when I don't... I don't think that I am safe. Not for myself and sure as hell not for others."
 
Doctor Carstairs listened to Riley speak, taking all his words and comparing them to her years of psychological experience.

"Well, Riley, if you seriously think you're capable of hurting someone, your first response should be to remove yourself from them immediately, and to only return when you're completely sure of yourself," said Doctor Carstairs. "As for this issue you describe about self control … perhaps you need to remind yourself of this person you care for. Remind yourself of what they mean to you. Maybe you could use them as an anchor?"
 
Riley almost sighed when she asked him to remember Aspen. He knew that she knew who he was talking about. "Doctor, It isn't that I don't remember the person, or what they would want me to do. It's that part of me always does, but that part isn't all of me. There are other parts that I don't fully understand and that I don't want anyone... that I don't want her to see."

Riley stood up and walked to the bookshelf along the back wall of the room. "I know you think that if I'm a danger to her then I should remove myself from the situation all together. I understand that and I agree and I will. If I'm convinced that yes, I will hurt her, then I will get as far away as I can."

"I'm just worried that something will happen before I am convinced. But at the same time, this person makes me so much more than I was before."
 
The last thing that Bethany wanted to do was put her daughter in the line of danger, especially when she could have prevented it. But ... Riley seemed devoted to her, and if Aspen could help him get better ...

Dr Carstairs spent the rest of the session giving Riley new ideas of how to control his anger and impulses. "Try these ideas if you think you're going to hurt someone," she suggested. "As for the other ... Part of you that you say you cannot control ... Well, we'll talk about that next time. Okay?"

Aspen was waiting in the lobby, dissolved in a book. Bethany was not surprised when she saw her daughter as she walked Riley out.
 
Riley was relieved when the appointment was over. The doctor spent nearly an hour going over anger management techniques that Riley had read about years ago. It felt like she, everyone, wasn't listening when he tried to describe what happens to him. Over and over again he would try to explain that anger management didn't help because he didn't feel anything like anger. He didn't feel anything at all when he saw the images. When the darker, deadly side of Riley's mind wormed its way into his vision, he was either completely zen or sociopathic.

Sighing, Riley stood and walked behind the doctor to the lobby. Aspen's perfume surprised him and he looked to his right to see her sitting there, right next to the office door. She was reading a book, tracing the lines on the page with her fingertip at incredible speeds. Riley wanted to lean against the door frame, just out of her peripheral and watch her read, but the doctor stepped forward and her shoes hitting the floor woke Aspen from her trance and Riley stepped forward as well, skirting the doctor and heading for the front door. He looked over his shoulder as he exited, meeting Aspen's eyes as the doctor spoke to her daughter.
 
"Aspen, were you here to see me?" Bethany asked her daughter as Riley left the room.

"Yes, Dad wants me to buy KFC for dinner but I need to get the money from you," said Aspen.

As soon as Bethany gave her the money, Aspen dashed outside and looked for Riley. She saw him a few feet away and called out his name while running toward him. He turned, and Aspen tripped right before him and fell into his arms.

"Oh crap, I'm sorry," she said, mortified. "See, this is why I could never be a cheerleader." She shook her head at herself.
 
Riley turned and was hit in the chest by Aspen as she fell. He half-smiled and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, softly petting the back of her head. "This feels like a bit of deja vu."

As he held her he thought about the possibility that one day he might hurt her. He shivered slightly and held her tighter. He whispered her name as he kissed the top of her head and reset her balance.
 
Aspen stood up straight and kissed Riley on the cheek. "How did it go?" she asked, slipping her hands around his waist. "Would you like me to drive you home? It's getting kind of cold ... "

Aspen rested her head on Riley's chest for a moment, just to let him know that she was there for him.
 
Riley kissed her head again and said that he'd rather walk, saying he enjoyed the subtle sting of cold. He pushed her back slightly so he could see her eyes. Looking long into their blue Riley let slip his mind slip to memories of the same blue eyes looking into his in a dark but warm old house.

He touched his hand to her cheek, holding it there for a few seconds then stepping back, his fingertips lingering on her chin as if his hand didn't want to leave. He said goodbye and back away two steps and turned and left.
 
The next day, it was raining. A lot. Aspen liked rain. She walked into the school feeling happy about the lousy weather, dressed in more layers than usual. She sat at the table she always met Riley at, and extracted her book from her bag and began to read.

A girl sat at the table with her, someone she didn't recognise. She was very short, wore all black and had thick hair that was cropped to her shoulders. She was looking at Aspen with an expression the blonde couldn't describe. "Can I help you?"
 
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