Winterwings and Cruxbre

J

JanJanBre

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Twin's Never Fail..jpg
(this is how close they were before he's incident shall we call it.)

Kay sighed at the sky. The cloudy, bleak, cold winter made her upset. She readjusted her books on her hip and looked around. "One more year." She sighed.
"Hey, Kay!" Someone called, waving an arm over their head. Kay turned and waved back, waiting for him to catch up. In a couple seconds they were next to her and she continued to walk. "How your other half?" Ren asked. Kay sadly shook her head, feeling tears prick at her eyes.
"He still won't talk to me." She whispered, she felt Ren wrap his arm around her shoulder and leaned against him. "I don't understand what he was thinking!" She shouted suddenly.
"I don't either. All's we can do is hope that he actually reads the messages we send him and that he'll get better." Ren said comfortingly. Kay nodded, wiping her face and hurrying up to get to school on time.
"Come on, Ren. We gotta get to class." She said, tugging her phone out of her pocket and sending her twin a quick text.
Hey. It's just Kay. I wanted to say that I love you and miss walking to school with you and Ren. Please, get better soon. I miss my twin. My other half. My brother. Lovingly yours, Kay.
Kay sent the message, linked her arm through Ren's and walked into class like that. She ginned at Ren as she sat down and he slid into the seat next to her.
 
He knew that he had gotten textmessages, and he was pretty sure they were all from Kay. Who else would care enough to do that? He sighed and looked at the phone, lying on the side of the bed. He hadn't looked at any of them. He wasn't ready to meet Kay, not even to text her. Not just yet. Of course he cared about Kay, or at least he should. But he couldn't think about her, if he did he'd be overwhelmed with guilt. He hated it all, he hated himself for what he had done, but mostly he hated everybody else who cared so much about him. It would be easier to die if no one cared. Then there would be no guilt.
"Neo, are you still in bed?" someone asked as they walked in, and he barely turned his head to see who it was. But then he saw who it was, it was Sophie, the nurse who came in at least once a day. She smiled at him.
"How's your leg?" she asked, but he wouldn't answer. He had injured his leg after jumping off a bridge, and he also had some internal injuries. He looked out the window. He could see that Sophie had noticed that he had received a message, and it annoyed him. Why didn't she just leave him alone?
"Maybe you should answer that. Here's your meds, by the way," she said, and Neo swallowed the pills quickly before answering the text. "I'm sorry." he wrote, sent it and looked out the window again. Damn Sophie. But he just couldn't stand her talking about it, because he knew she would if he didn't answer it. He hated it, everything. Why did everything have to be so complicated?
 
Kay had slid her phone into her back pocket after switching it to vibrate. She passed notes with Ren, day dreaming about the past.
Ren. I miss him. I miss him so much my heart hurts. She rested her head on her palm, looking at the front, but felt Ren's sympathetic look. She barely saw him nod, and the paper was back under her hand.
She flicked the note open, feeling the warm pressure of Ren's hand on her knee. She raised an eyebrow and shook his hand off before reading the note.
Me too, Kay. Feels like my better half is gone. Have you seen him yet? Kay jumped as her phone vibrated, making Ren jump too.
"Is every thing okay over there?" The teacher called. Kay nodded, blushing but Ren just laughed.
"Spider." He said, flicking an invisible squished spider off his fingers. Kay reached for her phone and tugged it out.
I'm sorry. Kay felt tears prick at her eyes. She raised her hand.
"Kay?"
"Can I please be excused? I would like to call my brother." She said, hoping the teacher remembered his promise from before. With a sigh, he nodded and held out a hall pass.
"Hurry up please." Kay nodded and walked out of the class, then out of the school to her car. She dialed Neo's number, hoping he would pick up. She bit her lip and sighed as she waited.
"Pick up, Neo! Pick up damn it!" She shouted, getting frustrated.
 
Neo heard the door shut, and he could hear her footsteps outside the door as they gradually disappeared. It was quiet. What did everybody else do, those who still had a life? He thought about Ren, and Kay. They didn't understand. No one did.
He thought about the day when he had tried to commit suicide. It was a sad day, it really was.
In the morning, he had spoken to Kay, everything was normal. He said the normal things, they talked about whatever they usually talked about. And then they had met Ren. Walking to school, like always. Kay had laughed as Ren told some funny joke, and Neo had smiled a bit just to fit in. But the truth was, Ren's joke wasn't funny anymore. Nothing was.
Neo had decided to walk home by himself that day. They wondered why, of course. He had to study for an important test, he said, wich was actually true. And so, he went off. There had been some accident on the road that day, so he couldn't take the usual way home. For that reason, he chose to cross the bridge. The thought of suicide had been there all along, for a long time, but it wasn't something that he had actually thought of doing. It was just one of those things that was the only option, when there was no other way. Nothing to do on your way home from school, in other words. But that's what he did. He stood on the rail of the bridge, looking down. He could hear cars going by on the road, he felt the wind in his back. When he thought about it, he was all broken, anyways. And so, just about when he was about to let go, a car stopped. He turned around, and there was a stranger. A stranger who didn't know anything about him. And the stranger reached for him with his hand, begged for him to come down, said that it wasn't worth it.
What do you know about anything.
Neo jumped a bit as he heard his phone ringing. He looked at it. Kay. He answered the call.
"What do you want?" he asked, emotionless. He could hear Kay breathing at the other end of the line. "I said I'm sorry".
 
Kay breathed, sagging in her seat. "Oh, Neo. I don't care, I misses you." She said, feeling tears crowd her eyes again. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't...." She never finished the sentence but she knew she didn't have to. "I want to see you. I want to see my brother, the one that was always there for me through everything, the one who would tickle me in the middle of the night, just cause you wanted to hear me laugh." She rested her head back on the seat. She took a deep breath and struggled with the emotion trying to be heard in her voice.
Try not to guilt him into anything. Guilt is the one thing he can feel right now, but using that will cause him to try again. The doctor has said. That mean keeping her emotions in control. Something she was never good at.
"I don't blame you, Neo. I've thought about it too. It's just," She searched of the words that she was trying to tell him. "I had you. You were always more than enough for me. I would have killed myself if you had died. I can't live without you."
She took another breath and asked the question she had been dieing to ask in a long time, or it felt like it anyways. "Neo, Can i come see you? Please. I just want to see you. You don't have to talk. I just want," She faultered, knowing she was repeating herself. "see you." She finished in a small voice.
 
Neo remained quiet as he listened to what she had to say. Hadn't what, he thought, killed himself? Stupid. It was almost impossible, or at least it seemed like it. He knew that she missed him, that she cared about him. That was what made it all so... so hard to live with. Knowing that she cared so much for him, and that he had tried to kill himself. He bit his lip. Why did she say all these things? He didn't want to hear that she cared. He sighed. It was obvious that she was emotional, sad, upset, or something like that. He knew that, and even though she may tried to hide it, he knew her too well not to recognize it.
I would have killed myself if you died. I can't live without you.Neo could hear her say that over and over again. He didn't doubt for a second that she would do it if he died. And it hurt, knowing that it had hurt her so much. This was exactly why he had jumped of that bridge, he didn't want to survive, having to look Kay in the eyes. It was too much. And then. She wanted to see him.
"Go kill yourself then. This is exactly why I didn't want to survive, don't you understand how much this hurts? Knowing that you depend on me staying alive. Think about Ren. Maybe you want him to kill himself as well, don't you!" he said, and he sounded pretty upset. He bit his lip again and took a deep breath. Damn. He was crying.
"So, you want to see me. Sure. I'll be waiting", he said, trying to keep himself together.
 
Kay dropped her phone into her lap, bursting into tears. She beat at the steering wheel, making the horn beep but she didn't care. She cried, her tears making her eyeliner run.
After what seemed like a lifetime, Ren knocked on the window. Kay hit the unlock button, resting her head on her hands as Ren climbed in.
"So I take it he answered." He muttered softly. ]
Go kill yourself then, ran through her head, keeping the tears coming as she nodded.
"What'd he say thats got you crying so much?" He asked, rubbing Kay's back in a circle.
"'Go kill yourself then. This is exactly why I didn't want to survive, don't you understand how much this hurts? Knowing that you depend on me staying alive. Think about Ren. Maybe you want him to kill himself as well, don't you!'" She quoted, emotionless. Ren didn't say anything but rubbed her shoulders with long slow circles, making the tension there relax. Kay finally turned to him.
"I don't understand him. I've gone though all that too. I was there. I was always there! He never talked to me. He made like he wasn't affected by it when I was so devastated, I couldn't sleep without him for months afterwards." She fell into Ren's arms when he opened them, face against his chest.
"Did he say you couldn't visit?" Ren asked, enclosing her in his arms and kissing her head.
"No. He said I could." She admitted, pulling away and starting her car. Ren nodded and made to get out of the car, but she grabbed his wrist. "Come with me. I can't do it alone." Ren nodded once more and they were on their way to see her brother.
Oh god please. Help me. She thought to no one in particular. We're both so broken. Why can't we fix eachother? Why was he always so stoic? Why didn't he talk to me. She pulled up, got out of the car and headed in side with Ren, who held her hand to let her know he was there.
"Hi. I'm here to see my twin, Neo." Kay said to the lady at the front desk. The lady nodded and pointed to a room. Kay hesitated, but Ren walked over and knocked on the door, shoving it open and striding into the room.
"Hey Neo. Kay's here. Be nice will you?" He muttered as Kay walked through the door, stopping and looking at the shell of her brother, tears pricked her eyes again.
"Oh, Neo." She walked over and touched his leg, then his arm and face. "Why?" She asked, her face a mixture of expressions, reflection the mixing pot of emotions running through her. But mostly, she felt pure love. She still loved her brother. "Neo. I love you." She muttered, looking at the floor. Her hand found his and she gripped his knuckles.
 
Neo sighed. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to talk like that to Kay, but he didn't know what else to do. He had just been very upset about it all, about all of what she had said. And that it had all happened so quickly. He looked at the phone and wiped his tears.
Why did she want to see him? He didn't understand. What was there to see, him lying in the bed, quiet and depressed? He didn't understand why she wanted to see him. It was almost as if he felt like he didn't deserve her to come visit. Why would he have her come visit when he had been so awful to her not long ago? On the other hand, he could have told her that he didn't want her to come. But he knew that that would probably make her more sad than she already was. He looked up in the sealing, listened to his breaths and played with his phone with his fingers.
"I'm sorry", he said, to no one, since there was no one there. It was meant to Kay though. He didn't know her pain, and she didn't know his. It felt weird, they had been so tight before everything had happened. Before he had jumped from that bridge. Now, it was as if she weren't the same. He just didn't get her the way he used to. Maybe it was because they hadn't talked for a long time, because he couldn't handle it. And now, all of sudden, he had invited her to come and visit him.
He put away the phone, decided not to touch it anymore that day. Now, he just needed to rest. All of this at once. He had been trying to avoid all of it ever since he had tried to kill himself, but deep inside he had always knew that he couldn't keep doing it forever. And now was the time to stop avoiding it, to do something about it. To see Kay. He got anxiety just of the thought of her, and he pinched himself on his arm a couple of times. He wasn't sure if he was ready, but on the other hand, maybe Kay would wait. Maybe she wouldn't come right now. After all, she had just hung up, and he could imagine her crying as she did it. He hoped she wouldn't be stupid enough to drive over to the hospital in the condition she was in, since she was upset, and if she did, he hoped she wasn't alone, that Ren was with her.
Neo looked at Ren as he walked in, and then he saw Kay. It felt weird that she could still say those words, saying "I love you". He didn't know why, but it just didn't feel quite right.
"I don't deserved to be loved", he said, looking at her with a somewhat sad look in his eyes. Then he looked at her hand gripping his knuckles. It had a bruise on it. He swallowed and looked out the window.
"I love you", he said, mainly because it was one of those things he hoped would make her feel better, and he knew that he loved her, even though he had a hard time to feel it - or, to feel anything - at the moment, "and I'm sorry for everything."
 
Kay looked into her brothers eyes. She could see the doubt as she said I love you. She let go of his hand when he looked out the window. She bit back the yelling she wanted to do, the screaming that he left her alone. The punching him over and over again, yet not hard enough to hurt. She walked away from the bed and leaned on the wall. "Mom's on the hospital again." She said with a sigh. "She has cancer again, so its just me at home." She wondered if he remember that their parents had gotten a divorce the day he had jumped off the bridge. Ren glanced between the two, dragging a chair to the far side of the room and sitting in it with his eyes closed and head resting on the wall.
Kay started to regret coming as she thought Neo would at least talk to her. She chewed on her lip for a minute. "Dad's getting remarried to some super blond who needs a sugar daddy." Kay mimed gagging, not expecting to get any results.
"Your dad is crazy." Ren said, from his corner his eyes still closed. Kay grinned a little, feeling the tension leaving her shoulders again.
"So Neo. How have you been? How the body? Been eating? Been sleeping? Been doing anything of intrest?"Kay asked, trying to bug Neo enough to answer. "Come on." She said, flouncing over to his bed and plopping down carefully. "Tell me!" She said, hands poised to tickle.
 
Neo hadn't thought about all of the things that had happened at home. About their parents. All of that was like forgotten, until now. He sighed. Why did she have to bring that up? He looked at her, tried to understand her. Tried to understand how she felt, being all alone. But it was hard for him, it was hard for him to try to understand anything but his own pain, at least for the moment. Cancer. Their mother had cancer. Yes, she does still, or, it came back. How could he forget? He didn't forget, just blocked it out. Really, it was as if all of the things about their parents were gone. It surprised him, how he had been able to block it out for so long. But for some reason, he didn't really feel anything about it. Of course it was sad that the cancer had came back, but he didn't feel sad. He felt rather numb.
Dad was crazy, Ren was right. And for a moment, Neo didn't feel like it would matter if he died or not. That stupid idiot who had made him and their mom get a divorce. He was the reason for all of the things just falling apart.
Neo looked at Kay, and he thought about it for a minute before answering. There was so much she wanted to know.
"I'm recovering, or should I say, the body is." he said, and then he thought of what to say about the eating and sleeping. He didn't want to worry her, but he was sure that she would know if he lied to her, she would see it right away. And so, he decided to tell her the truth.
"I haven't really been eating that much. Actually, I don't have an apatite at all. But I get food, I do. And I do sleep, I get meds to help me sleep at night", he said, and thought that maybe it would be enough for her to know. Because, what was there more to say? He reached for her, her chin, her hand, anything, with his hand. He just wanted to feel that she was there.
 
Kay nodded, looking worried but feeling better now that she was hearing Neo's voice. She listened as he spoke and sat still as he reached out to touch her.
"Yes, Neo. I'm really here." She said, holding his hand on her cheek with her own. She smiled at him, an actual real smile. "Do you get pain meds too?" She asked, cocking her head a bit to one side as was her habit. Her phone ran but she ignored it.
"Kay?"
"Yes, I know, Ren. But I'm with Neo. I'm not answering it." She never looked away from Neo's face. His eyes seemed a bit more haunted then before. A sudden thought struck her. "Oh Neo! Guess what?" She asked as her phone went off again. Growling she pulled it out and looked at the Caller ID.
She tossed her phone over to Ren with an appealing look. Ren nodded and answered the phone while Kay turned back to talk to Neo. "Sorry was Ren's mom checking in on me." She gave a small grin, letting go of his hand in case he wanted to take it away. "You know. I really do love you. You may not be able to see that or even feel it, but being away and pushed away by you hurt more than bleeding out slowly, so slowly It would take years to die." She closed her eyes. "Please. Don't push me away anymore. I'll stay here if you want me to, but don't push me any farther. I can't take it." She said as Ren hung up the phone and slid it into his pocket. His expression was dark, but Kay ignored him, focusing on Neo, wanting him to understand she wasn't trying to guilt him, just to help him understand.
 
Neo nodded slowly. Yes, he did get meds for the pain as well. Actually, he didn't really knew what meds he was on. If he was on antidepressive meds as well, wouldn't surprise him. He listened to what Kay had to say. He could see where she was coming from, at least a little. His eyes hadn't really showed anything until the moment she had said that she could stay there if he wanted her to, then his eyes were somewhat filled with something.
"So... So you'll stay here... If I want to", he said, mostly to himself. He thought about it. Maybe it was a good thing that Kay had come to visit him, after all. Maybe it would make her happy, that she could do something for him. When he thought about it, he realized that he had felt pretty lonely at times. Maybe it would be good for both of them if she stayed there with him, he thought.
"Don't ever leave. Promise me", he said, grabbing her hand and holding it maybe a bit too tight, as he looked into her eyes. He swallowed and closed his eyes, letting go of her hand.
"Please. Stay with me twenty-four-seven. I think I've missed you", he said, and opened his eyes. He bit his lip and looked out the window.
"You have to promise me", he said quietly.
 
Kay was shocked that Neo admitted that he missed her. She felt tears coming again but she grinned and grabbed his hand. "Of course I'll stay. I'll just have to tell mom and Ren's mom. I'll tell em later." She said. Ren walked toward the door.
"I'll make the calls for ya. I'll go visit your mom too. Can i borrow your car?" He asked. She nodded tossing her keys over. She turned back to Neo as Ren left.
"I'll have to call the school too. That I should do on my own tho." She thought out loud. She looked back at Neo. "I see only one problem." She muttered, looking around the bare room. She leaned down like she was telling him the secrets of the world. To her, this was. His responce hinged on whether he would be her brother Neo again or Neo's shell. "There's only one bed." She said, resting her forehead on his, like they did when they were little kids. They had always been in the same room as Kay couldn't sleep when she was without Neo. It had been months since she's slept without nightmares but she wasn't about to say that to him. So she just sat with her forehead on his for a minute before pulling away. She touched his lifeless hair, remembering its former glory. She had always loved his hair, better than her own really.
 
Neo looked at her, thoughtful. The only reason why she would leave was to call school, and then she wouldn't be gone for long anyways. He nodded slightly. Yes, there was only one bed. He thought about it, about when they had been little. And all of sudden, he remembered things that he had blocked out for a long time. All those things that would make him die of guilt, all those things that made him love her, miss her. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. He thought of all the times when she had asked to come to him, even though she was in the same room. It was all such a long time ago, it was something that he thought he had forgotten. Or rather, something that he had tried to forget.
He looked into her eyes as her forehead touched his, and he looked at her in silence. Looked at her as she touched his lifeless hair. And then he looked away.
"You... you bring all the memories back again", he said, and then he looked at her again. He didn't want her to leave, he really didn't. Even though it all hurt very much at the moment, he knew he had to get through it if he was ever going to be with her again, in a normal way. Not in an hospital bed. Not the way things were now. And he swallowed, inhaled.
"You can't be here. Please. Get out, just for a moment", he said, not being able to look at her. He didn't want her there as he cried his heart out, as he probably would hurt himself just to be able to function. That was too much to show at once, he wasn't ready to share those things with her just yet.
"Get out, I said", he said, sounding a bit irritated and rushed, still not looking at her.
 
Kay pulled away from Neo, clearly confused and upset. She dipped her head. "I'll give the school a call." She said, before realizing that Ren still had her phone. "Mind if I use your phone?" She asked. "Oh. Nevermind. There's payphones." She said and left the room, doing as her brothers shell wished.
But weren't memories good? She was so confused her head hurt. She found the payphones, put the money in and detached herself from her emotions to talk to the lady at the other end.
"Hello how may I help you."
"Hi. This is Kay. I am calling to tell you that, I won't be coming back to school for a while."
"Okay. Well your mother called and explained everything so your all set. We'll see you when you come back." Kay smiled at the lady's happy tone.
"Okay then. Bye." She hung up the phone and walked back toward Neo's room. She leaned on the door jam and watched her brother for a minute. She knew it was going to be hard. She knew he was in for a long haul but she was ready for it. She was there for him and she would help him as much as she could. She knocked on the door after a second.
"Are you better now?" She asked taking a step into the room. She stood at the end of his bed and waited for his reply.
 
Neo opened his eyes just as he heard her leaving the room. He was glad that she hadn't insisted on staying or anything like that, that would just make it all much harder. He looked at the door for a second, making sure that she had really left. He took a deep breath and looked up to the sealing. He felt tears coming down his face, didn't bother to wipe them away. He sat up and put his head in his hands, looking at the hospital blanket. He sobbed quietly for a few seconds before hitting himself with his fists on his arms and chest. Then he looked at the door once again. No one was there yet. He didn't want anyone to know what he was doing. Well, of course you could tell from the bruises, but he didn't want to get caught in action. He looked around but couldn't see anything sharp. No, of course he couldn't. He crawled up with his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, trying to breath.
Seeing Kay was much harder than he had thought it would be. All the memories that welled up inside of him were too much, he didn't know how to handle it. But he didn't want her to leave, no, he wanted her to stay and never leave. But at the moment, he had no idea how that was going to work, since he couldn't even look at her. He looked at her as she walked in, as she stood by the end of his bed. He shook his head.
"I'm not better now", he said quietly, and then he turned his back on her. Poor Kay, he thought. She was willing to stay with him, and all he did was... well, rejecting her, in a kind of way. He looked out the window, thought of what it was like on the outside. Of Kay willing to leave that behind just to be with him. He didn't deserve her being that nice to him. He didn't deserve anything, he thought and let himself fall down on the side of the bed, the one closer to the window. It hurt as he fell to the ground. He lay there, sobbing quietly with his eyes closed.
 
Kay nodded sadly, turning to leave again until Neo was fine, but then he fell off the bed. She hesitated where she stood for a second, wondering if she should call someone. Shaking her head she walked over toward Neo and sat against the wall. Not saying anything, but crying her own tears. She knew this was going to be hard for the both of them, but She would never leave Neo.
"Neo." She breathed, hoping he could hear her. "I'm never going to leave. Push me away all you want. I'll step back but then step right back up. You can't do anything to get rid of me."
She didn't reach out, try to touch him. She just sat with him and cried. She couldn't understand what he was thinking or what he was going through but she had her own issues to cry about and one of them was losing Neo. And now her mom. With out thinking it through, she crawled over to Neo and laid down next to him, her face by his.
"Neo. I'm scared. And I know you are too, about what I have no idea. I can see it in your eyes though." She said, lying on her side, she reached a hand out toward Neo but didn't touch him. "I want to help, Neo. Please, just let me help." She pleaded.
She thought of all the things that she wanted to say, all the things that he had missed. All the things she had missed about him. She bit her tongue though. She kept all that stuff to herself.
 
Neo kept his eyes closed as she sat down. Listened to her voice. It was almost as if he had forgotten what it sounded like. No, not really, he would never forget her voice, but... it just felt that way, is if it had been years since everything had happened. Hearing her say that he couldn't do anything to get rid of her made him feel safe, but at the same time he felt as if it was a commitment. And for that reason he hated it. But he admired her for what she did, for staying with him, for not giving up on him.
He knew that what she said was true. He was scared, and he didn't doubt it showed in his eyes. He knew that she would see whatever he might try to hide, they knew each other too well. He was scared, he was scared of life, of everything. He didn't want to let Kay down, but at the same time he didn't want to feel that he had to live. He didn't want to feel like he would break her if he died, but he knew he would. She had said it herself. I would have killed myself if you died. I can't live without you. It echoed in his mind, again and again. And somewhere, he could hear her, that she wanted to help him. She wanted to help him. She didn't want him to die. He put his hands over his ears not to hear her words echoing in his mind, it hurt too much. He felt as if his chest was going to explode, as if it was going to break, it hurt.
"Please don't die", he whispered between the hyperventilation. And he said it over and over again, he said it to the point where he screamed, still covering his ears. Over and over again. He wanted her to live.
 
Kay stopped talking when Neo covered his ears screaming "please don't die!" Kay sat up, crossing her legs and waiting for him to relax again. "Neo. Neo. Neo. Neo, love." She said, repeating herself. She spoke softly, not saying anything that could upset him. She started singing for no reason. Random songs that popped into her head.
"Kiss it all better, I'm not ready to go." She half sang half breathed, trying to keep her own tears at bay. "Stay with me until I fall asleep, stay with me." She sang the song through again. "Its not your fault love, you didn't know, you didn't now." She whispered. She wasn't, she had said she would have killed herself, and she could never take that back but she hadn't meant that.
"I meant that I would miss my twin. I would miss him so much it hurt." She spoke to no one, just out loud working out her thoughts and feelings. "I would miss him." She said one last time. "I'm not ready to go, Neo. I won't go. I wouldn't have gone." She pulled her legs up, wrapped her arms around them and waited to Neo to uncover his head. She wasn't going to leave him and she hoped that he had heard what she had said. "Neo. We're here. Let's fix each other. Why can't you see I'm trying to help you." She looked at her brothers shell. "Why dont you understand that you hurt me too. That you were always so quiet, that I tried to help you before you jumped." As a tear rolled down her cheek she asked the most important question. "Why?" She would never hear the answer to that question. She knew he would never tell her or give her a dumb reason. And she had accepted that but she had to get it out there.
 
Neo watched it happen, over and over again, in his mind. He watched him as he crossed the bridge, as he turned around to the stranger. He could see the fear in his eyes, how the stranger so badly wanted to save him. And then. The words. What do you know about anything. The wind in his face as he fell, to what he thought was his death, but turned out not to be, to his disappointment.
And then, how he would try again. How he would try to end his life once again, leaving Kay on her own with their sick mom and stupid dad, that had moved on. How she would cry her heart out, doing what she had told him to. And he had told her too.
Go kill yourself then. His lips as he said it. Over and over again. Go kill yourself then. And the sound of his voice. As if he didn't care.
He re-lived the moment again and again, the moment he jumped and the moment he had told Kay to go kill herself. He could hear her tears as she let go of the phone. Over and over again, each time more intense than the one before. All the feelings just got stronger and stronger each time. The fear, the guilt, the feeling of emptiness and everything else that he couldn't put down in words.
Soon, he realized that there was no more screaming. It was quiet. Even Kay had stopped talking. And he was gasping for air, slowly opening his eyes once he was able to breath normally again. His head was pounding. But it was quiet. He let go of his head and looked at Kay. It looked like she was sad. And it was all his fault. He knew this feeling. The unpredictable feeling, the impulsiveness. He wanted to get out. He stood up, fell down the first time but managed to stay on his feet the second time. He looked out the window. He touched the glass, hit it a few times. He had to get air, fresh air. For a second he looked at Kay, as if he had forgotten that she was there. He smiled at her.
"Would you please let me out, Kay? I haven't been outside for a long time", he said.
 
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