Wife and Video Games

[mythos]

Let me start with this disclaimer, by no means do I wish to break up with my wife or cheat on her in any way. This is merely a conundrum that i don't know how to solve.

My wife and I do a lot of things together that we love; hiking, watching old terrible shows, swing dancing and playing board games.

However, as much as my wife tries, she can't get into playing video games. Every time we play something she complains about not knowing the controls and ends up wanting to quit very quickly. She will only play simple games and once she learns something, she doesn't want to play anything else.

She also hates games that are violent or she has heard rumors about. Like GTA, World of Warcraft or anything that resembles those games. She doesn't like games that require her to solve puzzles or learn difficult controls. She will basically just put her controller down and sulk. I've tried so many games, from survival games to shooters to RPGs to platformers to Diablo-likes. She doesn't like to wait or read or watch cutscenes. She promises to play with me, but when we play she sulks and complains.

I am bad at making friends and I really like playing coop games with girls who like girl avatars. Whenever there is a character creator, my wife makes the ugliest character possible in protest.

I do a lot to make her happy. I am against institutionalized marriage, yet I married her and we had a really nice wedding. I like swing dancing, but she is obsessed with it. I go swing dancing with her every weekend that we are free and I have fun. She hates cooking and driving, I make her dinner every night and drive her almost everywhere, even on extended trips. For short trips we always listen to her music, and for long trips we split between listening to her music and listening to my podcasts or audiobooks (which she likes too). I like listening to the news and talk shows while driving, but she can't stand them and would rather sit in silence.

I have gone for long stints of not asking her to play games with me and she eventually notices we spend less time together and asks if I want her to play games with me. We play and then she sulks and stop. I don't ask her to play again for a few weeks.

What should I do? Should I just grin and bear it? Is it wrong for me to look for a girl online who would like playing games with me? Even still, I wouldn't know where to look.

Any advice?

 

[Sidhe]

She's tried, and after all her attempts, still genuinely dislikes it. That's all you can ask from her, honestly. You can't force someone to pick up a hobby they hate. However, I understand your frustration, since it seems like you are making many sacrifices for her. I'm guessing you feel like, after all you do for her, it shouldn't kill her to play games with you, right?

But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. If she's made several attempts and still doesn't like it, I highly doubt that she's going to start liking it any time soon. I dunno about you, but I'd much rather not play with someone at all than play with someone who sucks all the fun out of it because they don't enjoy it.

I guess first and foremost, as is the answer to most relationship problems: you gotta communicate. Voice your concerns to her. If part of the problem is feeling like she doesn't make enough compromises, discuss that. See if there are other things you can do (i.e., take cooking classes together, or ask if she can start cooking with you or otherwise contributing to cooking). See if there are any other hobbies you could pick up together.

Now, I don't think it's wrong to play with other girls/women online. I think it's a little bit weird, personally, that you only want to play games with women who play with pretty girly avatars, but that's your prerogative. Ask her if she feels comfortable with it. If it's not a sexual or romantic thing, I don't see the problem, but then again, I'm not your wife. Even if you prefer female gaming companions, I would still try to look for gaming groups on the forums of the games you enjoy. I found a really great group of players that way when I was deep into League of Legends.

 

[Laya]

Opal beat me to the gist of this.

Have you tried discussing this with her and seeing if you could each reach a middle ground for this? That would be a good first step instead of posting online.

It sounds like she's tried sucking up her hatred for games, even learned to play some that she actually enjoys, but that's not enough for you. Really, from what you've described, it seems like she has honestly tried to get into gaming because she realizes it makes you happy - yet that's not good enough?

This assumption could be wrong, but from your post that's exactly what it sounds like.

You're also only focusing on the negatives, the things you do for her, and that to me sounds extremely selfish. Surely she does other things that you just aren't acknowledging right now because you're frustrated - but that's no excuse. You need to recognize that.

I'm also wondering why it is you have to be doing this together with her? If you do other things together, why can you not have video games be your own thing? Couples need space, they need to have things they can do on their own. And if you two aren't spending time with one another because she won't play with you, it sounds more like you're just playing games for too long of a time.


But to the "what should I do," communicate. With your wife. That's the most important thing you need to be doing.

 

[Vars]

Does she actually dislike games and is trying to play them for you? Or does she like games but find them too hard to play?

Everyone else gave advice for the former, but for the latter it could be Learned Helplessness. In fact learned helplessness was my first thought, given how she sulks about controls and some other context you provided.

If it really is that she believes the games are just too complicated (which surprises me if you play any decent modern board games), then perhaps you should stop trying to make her play with you, and instead sit down and actually teach her how to play the game by herself, first. Try to identify exactly what it is about the game/controls that are upsetting her. Surely it's more than just a generalized upset. If she can't define it, start spouting out suggestions: Is it the shape of the controller? Is it the speed at which you have to push buttons? etc. etc.

Trying to combat learned helplessness in general may help the gaming thing over time, but, that sort of advice is outside my scope.

 

[Kagayours]

I agree with everything that's already been said. It's ok for couples to have hobbies that they enjoy individually. Just because you're married, doesn't mean that all your interests should overlap perfectly and that you have to spend every minute of your lives together. If she doesn't like video games, then she doesn't have to like video games.

Vardoger's advice is good if your wife does want to give video games a try and just hasn't been able to enjoy them due to the controls/complexity/etc. But, even if you do try Vardoger's advice, I think you should avoid looking at the situation like "how do I make my wife like video games??" because at the end of the day, she's her own person. And if she doesn't want to play video games, then I think you should respect her decision.

And above all, yeah, communication is key. I think a lot of good will come from just having an open conversation about how you and your wife both feel about the subject and what can be done to make things better.

 

[mythos]

I've read all your advice and considered everything. It also made me realize how badly I presented my case in my post.

My wife doesn't hate video games, in general, as far as I am aware. She hates learning controls, waiting for cutscenes and investing herself into a game. I have learned, via Orcs Must Die 2, that if she persists and learns the controls, she can learn to really enjoy a game. But its grueling with some games and when she pouts and complains it drains me. She struggles with platforming. So I try to stick to 3rd person shooters, but if things change slightly, she gets annoyed. She always asks, "What now? What next?" without looking at the information on the screen, without an attempt to figure things out on her own. She gives me seconds to respond before she distracts herself with destructive in-game behavior like shooting random things; sometimes ruining the game or forcing me to fix whatever she destroyed.

Let me also give you a little bit of background. So my brother was married to a woman who did like video games, and loved playing them with him. However, when she was struggling to learn controls, he would get frustrated and get pissy and he would yank the controller from her and a few times let slip calling her stupid, in a less blunt manner. He would sometimes be so critical, she would cry in frustration. My brother is an asshole.

I hated how he treated her and am in no way like that. I try to be very accommodating and think up the best ways for her to learn before we start. We play PC games, I own no consoles. When there is an option, I plug in a controller and ask her if she would prefer that or the keyboard and mouse. She prefers the keyboard and mouse, of course, cause she is 1337 as fuck. When she gets overly frustrated, I ask her if she would like to take a break or if she doesn't like the game I suggest we switch to something else, she looks more put off at starting a new game and just want to carry on until its late and wants to go to bed.

@Opal
I really explained my desire badly. I don't only want to play games with girls who play pretty females. I want the ability to play an occasional cooperative game with a girl who plays a pretty female avatar. I like playing games alone and I like playing games with my male friends. I just want to have the experience of hearing a female voice come from a female avatar. I don't think that is any weirder than preferring female cartoon characters or video game characters have female or at least feminine sounding voice actors.

@Laya
She doesn't hate games, only putting the effort forward to learn the controls or invest herself into the story. I think it has to do with her having high anxiety and work exhaustion.

I am really trying to think of something she gives up for me, other than playing video games or board games with me once in a blue moon. I cook for her nearly every night (when we don't get take out or go out, she also makes a mean pasta salad once every few months), drive her around everywhere that isn't to work and back, including 6 hours to and from her parents house once a month, go out dancing with her every weekend we are both free, I spent 6 months learning 4-5 different types of swing dancing so we could do a 4 minute choreographed dance medley for our wedding (which I really didn't want to do), I learned how to make sushi so she could have it when she was spending 8 hours a day studying for a huge exam (I also brought her tea, cocoa and popcorn on demand), I paid 100% of the rent and bills while she put her money away in savings for an entire year (which benefits both of us, I understand, but all that money is in her account.)I am against institutionalized marriage. Its a personal dislike, not a moral thing. I just think its stupid, pointless, insulting and a waste of money. However, I grudgingly agreed to have a beautiful and expensive ($12k) wedding on the beach to fulfill one of her wishes. Don't get me wrong, none of this makes me overly upset at her, its my life to serve her. I just think that playing games occasionally isn't too much to ask.

I am very much in love with my wife. I smile thinking of how much. She has so many awesome qualities. She has a doctorate from Boston University, she has devoted her life to healing people with neurological injuries, she is athletic and has run many 1/2 marathons, she is an atheist (like me), she is super nice, sometimes a bit too much. She is close with her family, despite having vastly different religious and political beliefs. She is very open minded as well.

I also put my point forward very poorly. My desire is to have the option to play games with a girl, the preference being my wife. I am intimate with her and it feels nice to fulfill that desire with her. My question was meant to be, is it wrong to find a different girl to fulfill this desire? I don't want to force my wife to do something she doesn't enjoy, but request that she put some effort forward to do something I enjoy, with me.

I think asking random people online is a great way to get advice. It gives you open perspectives. People tend not to hold back what they think online. It can be helpful, even if you disagree with the advice, their perspective maybe a bit out of whack, or they are immature and don't know the first thing about relationships. Its all thought provoking, which is what I think is important. It prepares me mentally for facing the challenge IRL.

In fact, after going through all of that. I am thinking I am approaching this with the wrong thought process. I shouldn't be thinking, "Well, I do all this stuff for her, so why shouldn't she do this for me." I should be thinking, "This is a desire that I have. What is my best way to fulfill this desire?" I should drop the emotional baggage I am bringing with it.

@Vardoger
You totally hit the nail on the head. She enjoys games like Caverna, Terra Mystica, and other board games that require forethought. I think she likes the tangibility of the pieces and the fact that rules tend not to change and she can take her time on a turn. Video games change, present new challenges, increase in difficulty and require a bit of hand eye coordination. I've been playing video games since I was very young, where she is pretty new to them. The rules and goals are presented ahead of time and can easily be referenced in the rule book.

Your advice is very sound and I will present these ideas to my wife. Thank you.

@Kagayours
I think there are many different relationship dynamics. Sometimes... (my wife interrupted me and we went to bed)

The next morning: My ranting was interrupted by my wife and I talked to her about it. She just wants things explained to her ahead of time and she apologized for making ugly avatars.

 

[Vars]

@mythos
So what does your wife LIKE about video games, exactly? I'm not familiar with the ones you mentioned (I'm just a casual console gamer), but it sounds like there's a lot of things she doesn't like... She's not interested in the story, so she doesn't want to invest time, she doesn't want to watch cutscenes etc. Maybe we're approaching this from totally the wrong direction.

Putting in effort to learn rules/controls/etc. is kind of pointless if you don't think the time is worth it. If you can figure out what she actually DOES like about the games she likes, maybe you can figure out what games are similar to that, or use what she says as hooks to get her more invested in other games to give her the motivation needed to learn the mechanics of them.

It might be that you need to teach her how to play a solo game as a trial run before you go co-op for some games, and just make a whole character for her and give her that to play so she doesn't have to do it for others. And yet others she may not like playing with you because you're too good and she feels like a hindrance, which can suck the fun out quickly.

For me personally, some games with a lot of pre-gaming (like really complicated character creation screens) I just don't care. I've put down games without a random function because I just want to get involved in the story already. If I had to sit down with someone to "play a game" and the first 30min - 1hr was character creation, I'd be really annoyed. Especially if I wind up waiting on the other person to create their character too. In that case I just want to be given something, like "Here you go, you're a paladin, these are your special moves, go beat up things."

For other games, I want to learn everything, and won't feel comfortable playing with other people until I get to some satisfactory level/experience. You mention your wife knowing all the rules upfront for boardgames-- well the same is possible for MANY video games. Look up the manual/instruction guide. If those aren't available, sometimes gamefaqs.com have specialty guides (not walkthroughs, but things that explain all the mechanics and stuff).

Good luck.

 

[Laya]

Have you tried playing Civ with her? I know it's complicated at first, but it sounds like the structure in Civ, the fact it's a turn based game and she can take her time, sounds like something she might enjoy. While there aren't any avatars, the two of you could still play the game together, communicate, and strategize with each other.

I've played Orcs Must Die, and enjoyed it, and I also am sympathetic to your position because the game does get old after awhile of playing it, like most games. But still, it's a game that she apparently enjoys and is willing to play with you.

I love Civ, and logged hundreds of hours on it with my ex. But when he tried to get me to play Civ Beyond Earth? I couldn't do it. I played it one time and stopped because I hated the game, and he recognized this and didn't bother me to play it again after we communicated about it. We just went back to playing a game we both enjoyed together.

You also shouldn't list out all of the things you have done for her that you really didn't want to, and then use it as a "she could do this one thing for me." Note, I'm not putting you in a negative light here, I'm just explaining. You did not have to do those things for her, but I suspect you did because you love her. You did those things out of love, and shouldn't be holding that against her for this one thing. I am glad to see you recognize that you should be approaching this from a different direction, and I think that's a lot healthier for the two of you's relationship.

Relationships are about sacrifices and communication. Even loving relationships can falter if those two things aren't addressed. So yes, while you may be making many sacrifices for her, and like you said you don't mind because you do love her, maybe you should also approach this as "how can we compromise more about this" instead of "I don't want to make a sacrifice."

I'll just leave you with one last example from my personal life. My ex really enjoyed the beach, ocean, and going out whale watching. I like the beach from a more observant stance than a participation stance, plus I get car sick and knew going on a boat out in the ocean would be the end of me. But we both engaged one another, I tired swimming, and I went on the whale watching boat despite knowing I'd be miserable. Despite that, I could still enjoy being able to see dolphins in the wild, even while wanting to jump off the boat and end my suffering. The next day when we were supposed to take a ferry to Delaware, he asked if I felt up for it and I was honest and said no. No pushing on the subject, just that's okay, we'll drive back home then.

No relationship is perfect, but I still stand by the stance that you both really need to talk about this. Not just you explaining to her — she also has to be willing to have an open and honest conversation with you. Without that, you're both likely to keep butting heads over which game to enjoy.

 

[Elle Joyner]

I'm a little confused... And perhaps I'm just reading this the wrong way, but I don't understand why she has to play them with you? Why can't you play them on your own? And why do you feel like... if she isn't interested the only other option is finding another girl to play with?

Because I'm gonna be honest... it sounds like you invested in this mental image of this hot gamer wife, and because she isn't delivering on that... despite you having plenty of other things you can be doing together... you've opted to try and replace that image with another. And dude... That's gotta feel pretty awful for your wife. That is borderline an emotional affair, at best. You're seeking out female companionship outside of your relationship because something isn't going your way. And that's wrong.

Sounds to me like she's at least trying, but because she isn't completing your fantasty, you've decided there must be an issue on her end.

And that is straight up the wrong way to handle it. You are damaging your relationship with a person you said vows with.. Over video games.

Think it over and decide what is more important.

 

[mythos]

@Vardoger
Those games I mentioned are board games. I haven't mentioned any video games other than Orcs Must Die 2.

I talked to her about all of this and she agreed with me and I am going to take more time before we start a game to explain the rules. I was just upset last night because she seemed to go out of her way to complain, even though she was the one who suggested we play.

@Laya
I have spoken to my wife about the issue, leaving out the idea of finding another girl to play games with. She agrees fully with me, has apologized for acting the way she did and has expressed why she does this. I have agreed and expressed to her my desire to help her enjoy playing games with me. Its something that she also desires, but struggles with.

I think the dynamic of relationships are too complicated to say they are about two specific things. I think that the purpose of relationships is meant to be mutually beneficial to all parties involved, and break down when the benefits are not fulfilled. If you have a desire from a relationship, it should be expressed and fulfilled by the other member. If it cannot be fulfilled its up to the individual or the other member whether compromise is a valid alternative to fulfilling that desire. This of course is my view. Those outside of a relationship are not in control or have a say in what others' relationships are about, specifically because they are not part of that relationship. You can express your own ideas, however, they are still your ideas. Those in the relationship decide, whether influenced by you or not. One thing you should never sacrifice in an adult relationship is your own happiness. Making others happy is important, but what is the point if you are miserable. Obviously, when children are involved, their happiness is more important. One should never interfere in another's relationship unless they feel those in the relationship are in distress.

@Elle Joyner
Why are you participating in this discussion? Why can't you just discuss it by yourself? Why do you feel like you need others to discuss things with? Why does anyone do anything with anyone else?

I mentioned nothing about hot gamer wife. All I said was that I would like to play coop games with a female who plays an attractive female avatar. I don't see the connection. My wife likes attractive male actors in movies and television shows. Is that wrong? I only want her to play once or twice a week for a couple hours. Otherwise she's going to sit and watch cat videos all night while I play games alone. I desire my wife to spend time with me engaging in a cooperative activity. She is doing the opposite of that when she does participate by making her characters extremely obese and deforming her characters faces. Just for reference, my wife is 5' tall and about 110 pounds a marathon runner and a dancer.

Is female companionship different from male companionship if it isn't an intimate one? Should I seek companionship with no one other than my wife? All I want to do is play games, not have an affair.

I have already mentioned that I am against institutionalized marriage, which I expressed many times to her when we first started dating. My wife gave me an ultimatum 2 years into our relationship after living together for a year, either I marry her or she moves out. She used my emotions as leverage to force me into something I openly disagreed with. To me, marriage means nothing. I don't need paperwork or a stupid piece of metal to prove that I am committed to a relationship. Institutionalized marriage is for people who are afraid of commitment. I don't have issues with ceremonies or celebrations of love.

Here are my vows, by the way. Meant every word:

"You are the one I want to share my life with; to join me with every sunrise and set. Being with you has filled my life with wonderful experiences with a hope for more. Every new adventure, I want to be your companion. My desire to be with you and to see you smile goes beyond promise. My love for you is ingrained deeply in my very being. Everything I am belonged to you from the first time I said I love you. Today I affirm that love and share with you my aspiration to be everything you need me to be."

Here are her vows:

"You are my best friend, my somebody to lean on, and at times my step ladder. I can't imagine my life without you in it, and I'm thankful we found each other. Today, I choose you to be my husband. I promise to listen to you, learn from you, comfort you, support you in any way I am capable, and accept support from you. I promise to forgive you, even when you're wrong and to love you even when we don't agree. I promise to and think about you always, and most importantly, I will share in your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve your goals."

You don't know the state of my relationship. We are very happy. There is no damage. I've stated at the very beginning of the original post, I'm not willing to affect my relationship over this.

My thought processes and posts are all over the place. I should probably stop, but I love expressing my opinions.

I just wanna play video games with my wife. Why is that so much to ask? Its such a simple and non-controversial task. Is it wrong to wish my wife was into video game a bit more?

 

[Elle Joyner]

I stand by what I said. Maybe outright, you aren't asking for hot-gamer-wife, but that's what you want. It isn't enough that she tried... that she gave it her best effort and compromised with you to do something that she wasn't interested in or that doesn't appeal to her on the same level as it does you. You want her to -be- a certain way, and the fact of the matter is, you just can't make people do what you want them to do or be who you want them to be. You don't just want your wife to play video games with you - obviously if that were the case, you'd have nothing to even right about.

The controversial task is that you want her to feel the same way about video games that you do, and that isn't fair to put her in that position. The issue -I- take with this entire situation, however, is that you're looking for validation on the fact that you want to find, specifically, attractive women to play with, instead. Liking an attractive actor - in a purely aesthetic way is in no way, shape or form, the same issue, man. It's just not. You are employing a fantasy that you have on another person, because your wife isn't able to fulfill that for you... Mentioning how attractive SHE is doesn't make it okay that you still desire female companionship with other women outside of your relationship with her - video game or not.

That's all I'm gonna say on this, cause honestly, I think you're just looking for someone to tell you it's okay, and I can't do that. You should be having this conversation with your wife, not strangers on the internet - but I imagine the reason you aren't is because you KNOW it would be hurtful... And I'm just suggesting that should probably tell you something about it, on a deeper level.

Best of luck...

 

[Cactus Jack]

I just wanna play video games with my wife. Why is that so much to ask?

Because she doesn't enjoy it and expresses that in no uncertain terms? You mentioned at least one game she seems to enjoy, so maybe you can play that together if she doesn't indicate unhappiness with it the way she has for other games, but otherwise, you seem to have so many activities you enjoy doing together that it puzzles me that her disinterest in video games is a genuine problem for you.

 

[Laya]

@mythos Please note that I did not state that sacrifice and communication were the only two things. I mention them because they appear to be the most relevant in your case right now.

Other than that, I have no other advice for you. It really just seems like you wanted people to agree with your position. I don't, and still feel like, from what you have expressed, that you're being selfish.

If she doesn't want to play games, leave her alone.

 

[Chatoyante]

Why do you keep bringing up how she forced and manipulated you into marriage? Why did you include the paragraph that lists the "things I do to make my wife happy"?

Why do you need a female gamer playing an attractive female character in order to enjoy co-op? Why does the way your wife wants to play her own characters bother you enough to keep mentioning it (creating ugly/weird/funny/etc rather than cute/attractive/sexy/etc)?

If you share multiple other hobbies, why is it so important to share co-op/multiplayer video games as a hobby?

 

[Kagayours]

I think that the purpose of relationships is meant to be mutually beneficial to all parties involved, and break down when the benefits are not fulfilled

Can't it be "mutually beneficial" without requiring your wife to play video games? Don't you get other good things out of the relationship?

Like I said before, you're allowed to do things alone. That's ok. You and your wife can still spend time with each other and enjoy each other's company without needing to do every last thing together. And honestly I don't think it's healthy for either of you to be in this mindset of "we have to be able to do fun things together all the time and if we can't then our relationship is doomed." There is literally nothing wrong with you playing video games by yourself while your wife watches cat videos.

 

[Aero Blue]

There are some mental gymnastics going on here.

Firstly, it's absurd to me that someone who claims they don't believe in marriage, or who believes that marriage is meaningless, an enemy of the institution of it, would call towards his wedding vows in support of his premise.

Also.

"Is it wrong to wish my wife was into video game a bit more?"

This, is not wrong. This is, honestly, commonplace in relationships (although, as a personal preference, it's a bit trickier).

But it's also not your initial premise of: "Is it wrong for me to look for a girl online who would like playing games with me?" Which is probably wrong. The 'girl' qualifier here is just... so suspect, man. This no longer addresses the desire "I want someone to play video games with me" (which, by your own admission, she has attempted to help you with); it addresses something else.

Also, take it from an incredibly entitled person (me), entitlement is one of the worst enemies of relationships. It's just an inherently toxic paradigm.

 

[mythos]

My wife continues to express that she wishes to keep playing video games with me. I have spoken to her about my desire for her to play games with me, and she agreed to continue to do so . I said this in my prior posts, I don't know why people are trying to perpetuate this idea. She also expressed that she made the characters ugly in protest.

@Elle Joyner
You presume a lot. These ideas are of your own design and its creating unnecessary drama. It would be a dream come true if my wife decided to agree with me exactly on everything, however, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about giving up TV time to spend a few hours a week playing games.

People change all the time, especially in relationships. Many people are willing to sacrifice a lot just for the comfort of another. People who decide they can't encourage change in someone else probably never tried or just gave up. I think people have romanticized concepts of the world that blinds them from truth, kinda like religion. I've seen people give up religious beliefs, political ideals and happiness to stay in a relationship, all I'm asking for is to play video games. I don't want a mistress. I asked if its okay to have an online friend who is a girl to play coop games with. Its not wrong to have friends of a different gender.

I did have the conversation with my wife. Bringing it up on the internet drove me to talk to my wife about it, so obviously it was the right idea. I'm not looking for someone to tell me its okay, cause I already decided in the second post to not do it. I was just continuing the conversation.

@Rainforest Spirit
She does like playing games. She just gets frustrated at learning controls. Its not as big of a concern as you think, this thread blew up into unnecessary drama. I am probably mostly to blame for that.

@Laya
Relationships are what people in them make them to be. Its up to them to decide what is important, no one else can decide for them. Communication is required cause you can't interact with other people without communicating. People shouldn't have to sacrifice in a relationship, unless its something that brings distress to the people in them. That is my opinion.

Also, of course I want people to agree with me. Who doesn't want that? However, I am open to changing my mind. Which I already did when I discussed things with my wife. I'm just arguing other points that people fabricated into this thread.

@Chatoyante
Most of that stuff was a response that others brought up and I was addressing them.

Laya said I was being selfish. So I expressed a list of things I do or have done for my wife. However, I don't see anything wrong with being selfish as long as it doesn't put anyone in distress. Selfishness doesn't have to be a negative. Is it immoral to desire something that brings me happiness if it harms no one else?

Elle Joyner brought up vows, so I posted them to let people know exactly what they were and brought up the marriage thing for context. We also just had our wedding 3 weeks ago and I'm still a bit upset about how much it cost and that I was manipulated into it.

I don't need a female gamer to play attractive females to enjoy coop. I play games alone all the time. I just have a desire to play these games with my wife and for her to play attractive avatars. To clarify, I don't mean like ideal sexy Victoria Secret model. I really just mean not covered in color clashing spots and misshapen. As I've said before, she makes them that way in protest cause she doesn't like making characters, not because that's what she likes. She says she is willing to play with me then purposefully makes the experience less enjoyable cause she gets frustrated when she doesn't know what to do next. I try to participate in all her hobbies. I always filled in when someone was absent at her kick ball games.

@Kagayours
I hate to say it, but no. I am pretty sure if she outright refused to play video games with me ever, I would probably slowly become depressed and the relationship would like degenerate.

I don't mind doing things alone most of the time, I just want to do them with her occasionally. I am actually a bit of a recluse and prefer my time alone, she is the opposite and very clingy and want to always be in the same room with me. She doesn't like it when we sit on opposite sides of the room. I like this quality in her, its cute. Annoying at times, but its nice to be wanted. I just want to involve her in a part of my life that I enjoy. It would be better with her than without.

@Shizuochan
Actually, someone else brought up wedding vows. I just presented them for context. To me they are just vows, I just happened to say them at our wedding.

Having friends that are the same gender as my wife is not wrong. She has male friends. You are presuming I want to cheat on my wife, I said at the beginning I don't want to do that. I think you are trying to psychoanalyze me. Your assumption is not correct.

Marriage is an entitlement. I think everyone is entitled to seek happiness as long as it doesn't create distress.

---

I just want to say at this point, the issue is resolved. I have talked to my wife on the matter and we have come to an agreement. However, replying is only going to enable me to keep voicing my opinion, which is something I very much enjoy doing.

 

[Aero Blue]

I have presumed nothing, and - as an unabashed, pretentious fanboy - only bother to psychoanalyze famous dead people. I merely stated that "Looking for girls to play games with", basically, is two qualifiers, not one: both gender and the desire to play games with others. Having female friends is not wrong, outright looking for them as opposed to just 'players' is sketchy without communication - which hopefully, your resolution involved.

I concede that marriage is a social contract that requires give or take. I maintain, however, what I said about entitlement.

Nonetheless! I'm very happy that the issue has reached a resolution, and hope that the agreement was healthy and satisfying in equal measure!

 

[Red Thunder]

I am bad at making friends and I really like playing coop games with girls who like girl avatars. Whenever there is a character creator, my wife makes the ugliest character possible in protest.

As a married man myself, I've found the entire premise upsetting. You married your wife. Even if you don't believe in monogamous marriage, your still married to her. When you allow your mind to delve into placing other women, imagined or not, above or even at the same level of your wife, you a) disrespect her and b) set the stage for first mental then emotional then physical adultery. When you play a game apart from your wife, you should be seeking other players, regardless of gender. Your words have spoken of a tendency to ogle a woman's form different from your wife. And that won't end well. Glad y'all figured stuff out, but look, be a man: devote yourself to your wife in mind, heart, and body.

You came asking for advice, going so far as to place the question in the advice thread; don't be butt hurt when you don't like the advice given.

 

[Cactus Jack]

I hate to say it, but no. I am pretty sure if she outright refused to play video games with me ever, I would probably slowly become depressed and the relationship would like degenerate.

I'm baffled by this. You'd let an otherwise mutually fulfilling relationship-- a marriage-- fall apart over video games?