"Emmanuelle" Perhaps a different title would be somewhat nicer? Something more detached from the speaker's P-O-V, to highlight the fact that the poem is more kin to a direct transliteration of the speaker's thoughts (and, ultimately, mental state). Although this as a part of the poem isn't bad. Maybe instead of a title change, the addition of a poetic preface would be better? Hmm...
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, how your name rolls off my tongue
Like the boulder off the cliff to the hikers down below:
A long word, hard to utter, yet sweet in its release
And deadly in its approach.
^Needs to be cleaned up a bit. Otherwise, I still get the imagery, so it's good.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, how many young lads
Have fallen for your charms?
How many men have you enticed
To lock you in honey
And lick you repeatedly like candy? I like the imagery here. I believe this was inspired by AT.
How have you used
Your massive, towering breasts Too direct. I think there's a more poetic way of stating this.
To capture men's hearts
And cause them to argue
About things as trivial as psychotic science? Still direct.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, only madness
And nonsense
Is locked in you.
Loving you is like loving a river,
For if one tries to hug and kiss and fuck a river, The bluntness of "fuck" is inappropriate.
One drowns, or gets taken by the current,
But, once again, ultimately drowns. Just say one drowns, self!
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, my words are nothing
Compared to your tent.
They are like a pair of wings;
They ARE a pair of wings. *wink*wink*
I like the swinging effect of the speaker's emotions as expressed by the stanzas. "I hate you, I love you, I'm confused by you"
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, please
Give me the sleep that I desire,
Which is in your arms
And between your breasts,
Within your chest
Where lies no harm.
Your love. This is a bit weird, though the sudden bluntness of the statement reinforces the swinging effect, in a good way.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle,
I love you,
But I do not know where you are. Eh? Needs restating. Too ambiguous in its approach.
In the madness of loving nothing,
Of celebrating the darkness of fate's wheel, A somewhat inappropriate allusion to Greek mythology.
I have lost myself.
I write this ode to you, It's not an ode. Then again, I shouldn't get as technical as this with poetry.
This mess of meaningless words, Awkward.
In the hopes that I may find you, Still awkward.
Unite with you,
And suck the love from your tender
Like a boy and his clementine, Still awkward, though not as awkward as the awkward ones before.
Exchanging, in return,
More words
And seeds.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, dear goddess
I do not worship you
Yet I equate you to the gods.
I do not know
What fate made you known to me,
Why God would let me see you
Know you are truth, perfection incarnate,
Yet not have you.
Perhaps it is punishment The swinging effect of the speaker's feelings for this Emmanuelle suddenly gets distracted by the speaker's musings on fate. This may need to be cut.
For this adoration
For wrongs made in the present
And the future.
Or perhaps I am simply impatient. The bluntness of this statement being a very good reinforcement to the swinging effect.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle,
Who are you?
Where have you gone?
I have lost you
And you have lost me.
I am becoming mad because of you.
But I do not care, Again, this feels like a terribly inappropriate statement, mainly because the speaker once again changes subject a bit too abruptly, or a bit too distantly (as in the new subject he chooses is too distant from the main idea of the stanza). This moment of clarity also feels much too inconsistent with the speaker's statement that he is going mad. This, once again, may need to be cut.
As I was mad before,
Now I am only madder,
Mad enough to taste of madness's mercy.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle,
You are here
But I am too mad to see you, Once again, it's inconsistent with the speaker's characterization of himself.
To unite with you,
To fulfill.
Would you like a grapefruit? Or... wait, what? An amusing tangent, although something less... overtly mad would perhaps be better. Still, this tangent is quite strong as a showcase of the speaker's madness.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, how your name rolls off my tongue
Like the boulder off the cliff to the hikers down below:
A long word, hard to utter, yet sweet in its release
And deadly in its approach.
^Needs to be cleaned up a bit. Otherwise, I still get the imagery, so it's good.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, how many young lads
Have fallen for your charms?
How many men have you enticed
To lock you in honey
And lick you repeatedly like candy? I like the imagery here. I believe this was inspired by AT.
How have you used
Your massive, towering breasts Too direct. I think there's a more poetic way of stating this.
To capture men's hearts
And cause them to argue
About things as trivial as psychotic science? Still direct.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, only madness
And nonsense
Is locked in you.
Loving you is like loving a river,
For if one tries to hug and kiss and fuck a river, The bluntness of "fuck" is inappropriate.
One drowns, or gets taken by the current,
But, once again, ultimately drowns. Just say one drowns, self!
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, my words are nothing
Compared to your tent.
They are like a pair of wings;
They ARE a pair of wings. *wink*wink*
I like the swinging effect of the speaker's emotions as expressed by the stanzas. "I hate you, I love you, I'm confused by you"
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, please
Give me the sleep that I desire,
Which is in your arms
And between your breasts,
Within your chest
Where lies no harm.
Your love. This is a bit weird, though the sudden bluntness of the statement reinforces the swinging effect, in a good way.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle,
I love you,
But I do not know where you are. Eh? Needs restating. Too ambiguous in its approach.
In the madness of loving nothing,
Of celebrating the darkness of fate's wheel, A somewhat inappropriate allusion to Greek mythology.
I have lost myself.
I write this ode to you, It's not an ode. Then again, I shouldn't get as technical as this with poetry.
This mess of meaningless words, Awkward.
In the hopes that I may find you, Still awkward.
Unite with you,
And suck the love from your tender
Like a boy and his clementine, Still awkward, though not as awkward as the awkward ones before.
Exchanging, in return,
More words
And seeds.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, dear goddess
I do not worship you
Yet I equate you to the gods.
I do not know
What fate made you known to me,
Why God would let me see you
Know you are truth, perfection incarnate,
Yet not have you.
Perhaps it is punishment The swinging effect of the speaker's feelings for this Emmanuelle suddenly gets distracted by the speaker's musings on fate. This may need to be cut.
For this adoration
For wrongs made in the present
And the future.
Or perhaps I am simply impatient. The bluntness of this statement being a very good reinforcement to the swinging effect.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle,
Who are you?
Where have you gone?
I have lost you
And you have lost me.
I am becoming mad because of you.
But I do not care, Again, this feels like a terribly inappropriate statement, mainly because the speaker once again changes subject a bit too abruptly, or a bit too distantly (as in the new subject he chooses is too distant from the main idea of the stanza). This moment of clarity also feels much too inconsistent with the speaker's statement that he is going mad. This, once again, may need to be cut.
As I was mad before,
Now I am only madder,
Mad enough to taste of madness's mercy.
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle,
You are here
But I am too mad to see you, Once again, it's inconsistent with the speaker's characterization of himself.
To unite with you,
To fulfill.
Would you like a grapefruit? Or... wait, what? An amusing tangent, although something less... overtly mad would perhaps be better. Still, this tangent is quite strong as a showcase of the speaker's madness.
Last edited: