Seeking the Light

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Tristan really didn't know what to say or do. He wasn't sure if Adrian really understood the gravity of the situation, and certainly knew he wasn't equipped to deal with even a small slice of it. "You can stay with me, but that can't be it. You have to see a doctor. That's impossible to ignore." In his frustration he momentarily growled like some feral animal, before continuing with what he had to say, "If you want, we'll just go and get you checked and be sure you're not about to fall off your twig, and then you can have a little time before you go to a psychiatrist, and or a therapist. But honestly, the sooner you get professional help, the better your life will be. I'm not saying you have to go anywhere, you just need support - be that in therapy or with drugs." He was able to be rational, coming from what had always been outside viewpoint, although now he found himself inextricably linked to the awful problem.

"You might be able to dig yourself out a little, but until you get at the root of whatever this is, you'll hit wall after wall." How he was so certain of this, it was difficult to say, but he wasn't willing to back down. "But, anyway, we'll leave in the morning. I'm tired of the smog anyway. We'll get the train back to London, assuming there are any seats." It shouldn't be a problem, but one never knew. "Try not to think about anything too much, just get some rest. You've got time to think about what you want to do." Knowing the state of the health service, it would be weeks before any kind of specialist deigned to see them.
 
Adrian wiped his tears and took hold of Tristan's arm. He was shaking horribly again. He was always shaking, recently. He wished for it to stop already. "Just... don't send me off somewhere... the last time I spent in such a place... I... I..." He couldn't even say it and just looked down as tears fell from his eyes. "Just... I wanna stay with you... I want to be here... I don't want to be locked up and strung to a chair in an empty room..." He seemed to start shaking at the thought, and one would know that it was because of personal experience, and not just his own exaggerating. "I... I promise I'll go see the doctor with you... I just... I feel like I can do more when I'm with you, I just... I don't know how to fight for my own sake, I believe that I should have died somewhere long ago... I didn't know what purpose I lived and breathed for, and then, I realized that the thing keeping me on my two legs was you..." He looked up at Tristan. "So I'll go to the doctor, but for anything in the world, don't let them lock me up..." He said. He knew that it was stupid and irrational, but it was how he felt. Strange and sad and a bit angry at himself. He wanted to hit himself for everything that he had said to Tristan, but he knew it was all he had. "I just... they... when I was in the ward all of those years ago... they did unreasonable things that didn't help me in the least... all they did was bring me pain and suffering, because that was all I needed and then I'd apparently be okay... after I got out, this started." He said, referring to his current problems.

"I know I'll hit walls, but I don't think that the pain will be as bad as what has already happened, I fear. I don't doubt that I can get through it... I think I missed the motivation to live on." He admitted as he looked at Tristan. "That's why you're my world, Tristan. That's why I want to spend my entire life with you... it's because I've finally found someone who keeps me out of the painful abyss that I've fallen into..." Adrian sniffed and nodded slightly, looking at Tristan. "R-right, I'm sorry for all of the trouble... ruining the trip and all... now that we finally got here..." He slowly moved a hand up and grabbed Tristan's sleeve. "Won't you sleep by my side tonight?" He asked, his voice careful as if he was expecting a punishment for it. There was no reason for him to get punished, but he had been taught that being selfish wasn't allowed. Asking for things that would only benefit himself would bring punishment.
 
Maybe he was coming at this from a far too generic angle. He was looking at the picture as a whole, rather than considering what Adrian might have experienced over the years. However, despite what he hinted at, Tristan could not bring himself to cave in - he had too much faith in the norm. He wondered just what had happened to him, and also how he could convince him that his experience was not the truth of what hospitals were for. Maybe ten or twenty years ago the state of affairs was not so pleasant, but that was long before their time. And so Tristan could only conclude that some criminal activity had been afoot, a scandal that might have been successfully under the rug. That sounded about right. He sighed deeply, shaking his head, unwilling to think about it all that much more. The past was the past, and although someone needed to address it, he was fairly certain that it was not his placce to do so. He knew he would do more harm than good.

"I'm not going anywhere, not without you, anyway." He kissed Adrian's bony hand before snuggling down with him in his arms. They needed to sleep, both of them. "Just, don't think too much about the future just yet. For now you need to focus on the here and now, then we tackle the bigger issues." Firstly he needed to be out of physical danger, only then could the real work begin. "I'd sing you a lullaby, but I'm afraid I'd destroy your ears." For all his talents, music had never been one of them. Even his parents had eventually conceded that he would never be a maestro, something of a sore point for them.
 
"A-alright. I'm... I'm happy that you want to deal with me..." Adrian said gently as he leaned closer to Tristan. "I-I know that I'm in bad shape, but... once I get home, I want you to help me with this... if... if you just force me a little I'll do my best... I love you so much, Tristan. I-I just need you to know that." Adrian said, gently moving himself closer to Tristan. His body was shaking, and he buried his face in Tristan's chest. He was still shaking. Always shaking. His body was probably getting closer to breaking under from the pressure. Adrian hadn't thought that now would be the time for his body to collapse, and he hoped that he'd be alright enough to go to their home. He didn't desire for any of them to get a horrible experience on the way home. He knew that would be too cruel on Tristan when he had just accepted that Adrian had a disorder. "I... g-goodnight, Tristan. I-I love you." He said, trying to make the mood lighter. He hoped that it wouldn't go that wrong between them... the last thing he wanted was hate from Tristan's side.

The next morning dawned, and the sun cut through the darkness, lighting up the window. Adrian woke, feeling his stiff limbs. He needed to eat something. Right. He woke up Tristan, unable to get himself to do much more. He was shaking more than last time. He started filling with a cold lump of fear inside his heart, and it pooled in his stomach, making him break out into a cold sweat. His heart was pounding, a dull and yet piercing rhythm that made its way inside his mind. "T-Tristan." His voice was weaker. He was really starting to get scared. He knew that it was probably just his morning sickness, but he needed Tristan to wake up and look at him. He wanted to see someone else react to how he was feeling. He couldn't think rationally.
 
\All he could do was mutually respond to the movement of Adrian, embracing him tightly before kissing his forehead gently. Saying nothing, he closed his eyes and tried to settle into sleep. Needless to say, his night was not peaceful. Throughout the night he woke from what could only be described as a fitful slumber, often sweaty and always on the verge of panic. But every time he woke he settled down fairly quickly, safe in the knowledge that Adrian was still safely grasped in his arms, still alive and not sneaking off to go and top hhimself. What a joy that was. Who would have guessed that this young life would have boiled down to this strange situation? Tristan was of half a mind to run away himself, still unsure that what he had been told about his importance to life was true. He couldn't do such a thing, of course, but he still yearned to be let loose again, to live a far easier and unattached life.

Finally it was morning, and it seemed that Adrian had woken first. It took Tristan a moment to focus on the world around him, and just a minute more to realise that he was being spoken to. Slowly but surely, he also noticed the drop in temperature around Adrian, as well as the trembling of his lover in his arms. It was an unpleasant sensation, and without realising it he recoiled. Of course, he did his best to mask this as a swift move to stand, something that left his head spinning for just a second. He shook his head to rid himself of the sensation, then moving into action. "Water first? That must be a good idea." He muttered, partially to himself. Seconds later, he handed Adrian the glass of fresh water, turning away now to locate some leftover food. He had ordered enough for an ox last night, and as such there were several things left. He settled on a pastry, something that looked sweet and full of calories. Good. "I know you feel like shit, but how are you? Better than last night?" He resettled himself next to Adrian, trying to act as if things were normal.
 
Adrian was trembling the entire night but he never once woke up. He was too anxious to even think about waking up. His body was almost stuck in sleep, but apparently Tristan hadn't noticed his uneasy way of sleeping. It was okay with him, as long as Tristan wouldn't leave him. That was all that managed to even get close to worrying him. He, selfishly, thought of Tristan as his life-line. It was so inconsiderate of him. But his heart wouldn't let go of the feeling that his life would crumble without this crude, cheating, shallow male at his side. And then it showed that his true nature wasn't that of a light-hearted, "convenient" person. He was hiding. Maybe they were different, but they were both hiding something for the world. Adrian his broken up heart and body, and Tristan his dark sides that he hid away with no showing of his feelings. Together... they could overcome this. Somehow, they'd hopefully get over what they were feeling. While his fearful thoughts enveloped his sleeping body, the morning seemed to dawn and that was when he had woken. He was relieved when Tristan woke and gave him a glass of water. He muttered something that sounded like a grateful comment, and he slowly drank it with shaking hands. He looked smaller, but he wasn't shaking as much as when he had just woken up. Maybe it was just morning sickness, and nothing serious... and that was when words reached his partly distracted and blocked out ears. He looked up, the sweet smell of sugar reaching him. His stomach turned a little... but it wasn't the worst smell. A salty smell would have probably made him throw up on the spot... if there was anything to throw up in his stomach, anyways.

When the glass of water was empty, it left his hands as he set it on the table, the bright light of the sun blinding his eyes. The room looked exactly as it had yesterday, papers littering every visible surface and clothes here and there. They really needed to pack up soon. He glanced at Tristan and smiled just slightly. "I-I suppose I've been worse. I think it's just morning sickness, it's already starting to feel better than before." He said weakly, his eyes meeting with Tristan's. His smile grew a little bit, and he hoped that Tristan wasn't too angry with him for the sudden outburst. "After we finish eating, we really need to pack... this is such a mess..." They'd been engrossed in work since they arrived, so obviously there would be a mess without them noticing. Now they were going so obviously they would need to clean up in order to pack. The thought made him sigh a little bit. But he was also relieved. He wanted to get away from this country, and quick. It was too hot, it smelled weird and everything was so annoyingly bright. And of course there were filled with sounds from the people right from early morning and he just wanted to get home to England where nothing ever happened. France was too much energy and perfection for his tastes. He looked at Tristan when his thought train stopped, unsure of what he should do now. He didn't want to do anything rushed and get sick again, so he sat obediently on the bed, his hands holding him up slightly. "So...? Uhm..." He said, unsure of what words he should use. He was so bright, so clever, but it had always been hard for him to talk. He hated it so much, and he wanted to run from it, but he sat in a way saying that he wasn't running anywhere.
 
"Say it like that, and you make it sound like you're pregnant. Unfortunately, you will never know the joy of being a mother, my friend." This was not a planned speech, and most people would have managed to engage their mental filters before blurting out such idiocies, but apparently Tristan was not most people. He didn't regret it either, for he was firmly of the opinion that even the darkest of hours had to be fitted with at least a moment of good - be that in odd humour or kind intentions. Whether Adrian believed in this philosophy or not, he was going to have to learn to live with it, or else learn to deal without the support of Tristan,, something that seemed somewhat unlikely in the short term. The man himself believed that in the future Adrian would be more than happy to up and leave, for he reckoned all this professing of love was merely an anchor. Adrian had latched onto Tristan, simply because he was there. Had learnt to rely on him, and would have done the same for a cat if that had been the only sentient presence constantly available to him. In time he would see through the haze of depression, and on they would both go with their lives. Of course, it was still possible that some real feelings might turn themselves up at some point, and that was great, but Tristan was ready for this to be over in a matter of years.

For now though, he settled down for his own, much larger breakfast. He took the same amount of time on at least triple the amount of food, happily munching away on an apple while Adrian struggled along with his. He really wasn't much of a support, although for his part he wasn't actually aware that he should be offering any encouragement. He could point and direct fairly well, but the more emotional side of things really wasn't his strongpoint. And speaking of weaknesses, keeping his life clean and tidy was definitely a big one of his. At least Adrian was equally guilty of it, though it turned out that he was the one to bring it up in the end. "You're right. I suppose I'll get to it, O slave master." Tristan smiled, hopping up from his position and getting on with a job that probably wouldn't have taken half as long if they had managed to keep on top of their mess.
 
Adrian sighed and smiled slightly, holding his stomach. "Yeah... I suppose that I can't. I guess I just hoped for this not to be my time of collapsing... when we're going home and all." He admitted as he looked up at Tristan. "But... I really do feel a little better now, so aside from morning sickness it couldn't really have been anything else... maybe a minor fit of panic, I don't really know. Maybe I was just scared." Adrian had thought that it might've been a bad thing, something serious, and he was relieved when it was just nothing. He had also thought for a long time about his feelings... for Tristan. First, he had really thought it to be mere obsession and the fact that Tristan was his only friend, the only person really close to him. But even after telling himself that, he couldn't deny it. His heart skipped a beat whenever he would be with the male. He burnt with jealousy whenever those women got close to him... even if he didn't want to care about it, because it wasn't his business. He hadn't linked Tristan to his disorder at first... but that had accidentally happened, and he still felt bad about it. But he knew that without this male his life would be nothing. Nothing at all. But for now, he was going to try and focus on getting his life straight, without too much going on. And he knew that Tristan would stubbornly stay by him and help him. The thought made a smile rise to his lips.

Adrian fought the urge to go to the bathroom and throw everything up. He was really struggling with his breakfast. But he was doing his best, forcing it down his throat and taking deep breaths many times after swallowing, before going onto the next bite. Somehow, he'd get out of this abyss. He'd get out of it and then, after getting his life straight, he'd be with Tristan. They'd become a couple, or, well, Adrian would fight for it. Real love. He had envisioned it many times, being in a calm life together with this male that he, despite not enjoying his playing around, really loved. He knew that he did. He wouldn't have gone onto this trip in the first place if he didn't like Tristan - it'd be ridiculous. When he felt like he was about to burst, after about half a breakfast, he stopped. It was a bit more than what he had eaten yesterday. He drank a lot of water and looked at Tristan. "Well... I'll help." He said as he went to gather some of his many books and papers.
 
Although he had not come right out and said it, Tristan had thought it was pretty obvious that Adrian had been declared an invalid. He had no right to be picking up after himself, no matter how large the mess he made. It was this determined thought that led Tristan to quickly grab the hand of the frail man, guiding him back to the bed quite firmly. "You don't need to help. You need to conserve all the energy you can, my friend." He spoke with a light tone, unable to express himself with too much gravity, for the simple reason that he knew he could not cope with the fact that he was in such an awful situation to start with. How had this happened to him? He hadn't exactly led a sin free life, but he had hardly been bad enough to deserve this, had he? Or perhaps his parents and the church were right, and his willingness to engage in promiscuous activity with people of both genders had been another nail in the coffin of his grave. He had delved into vices, probably committed most of the sins it was possible to, and maybe this was God coming back to bite him in the arse. It was all so god damn unfair.

Once he had Adrian settled down again, regardless of any protesting, Tristan got back to packing their bags. He wasn't any different in packing as he was in living, and so he just threw clothes and texts in the suitcases willy nilly, thinking that he would sort it out later. Needless to say, this was never going to happen. He would always live in a constant state of disarray, much to the annoyance of pretty much everyone around him. At least the work went much more quickly like this. In seemingly no time at all he had everything ready to go, turning to Adrian with a warm smile. "Aall done. You ready to get going?" There would be a taxi rank outside the hotel, and with any luck there would be a free one just when they wanted it.
 
Adrian had thought that, well, he felt fine, and thus he had went to help, but he was yanked to the bed again, and he sat down with a bit of protest. He wasn't that weak... or maybe he really was. He felt bad. But not physically bad. The thing hurting was his heart. He clenched at his chest when Tristan was distracted. It was his fault that they'd ended up like this. He wouldn't blame Tristan for resenting him. This was all because of his selfish feelings. When Tristan began paying attention to other things than packing, Adrian fixed his expression and removed his hand from his painfully pounding chest. He didn't want to see those eyes grow worried again because of him. Not now. Not before something serious happened. He sighed slightly, trying to get himself back on track. He would not let himself fall anymore, not like this, no... he had to. Even if it pained him, even if it tore into his skin and broke him until he could barely stand. He wouldn't fall down, even if his arms and legs were cut off, he'd hold on with his teeth. He'd do anything to reverse what he had done, to actually have a normal relationship with Tristan. And now was the damn time to start fighting for it, finally.

When he heard the words, he suddenly got caught back in reality, and he nodded slightly, taking his bags as he looked at Tristan. "Well... then we should get going." He said, still a little distracted by his own thoughts. But a light was slowly starting to flicker in his eyes. It was a light showing determination, something that had been missing before... It was weird. He smiled back slightly, the warm smile seemingly dazzling in his view. Well, not like Tristan didn't usually spark such a reaction in him. It had always been like this, with Tristan seemingly so radiant that the brightness of his being blinded Adrian. He had been taken in by this feeling, and his love had spurred from that. Someone who, despite his personality, despite his temper and his bad habits, he was... bright.
 
It would come as no surprise that Tristan chose to shoulder the majority of the burden. He did, however, allow Adrian to carry one of the smaller bags, so as to ensure that he did not feel too molly coddled. Although he was reluctant to let Adrian do anything much, he was sensible enough to know that too much smothering would only alienate himm at a time when he needed to be cooperative. This strategy seemed to be the best one, although Tristan did feel a little like he was babying the poorly one. Wasn't it a common tactic in parenting? To give the child a small task to complete so he felt some level of responsibility, but didn't get in the way of the real work? Perhaps, but whatever the case was, there was no way Adrian was going tto get to do anything more than carry the smallest of burdens. He was far too ill to do anything but focus on his recovery.

The journey from hotel room to reception was not a terribly relaxed one - on Tristan's part anyway - he felt awkward walking with Adrrian, as if everyone they passed was slightly judging them, though of course there was nothing about their outward relationship that had changed. In fact, he felt so uncomfortable with the idea that someone might realise that these two were more than just friends, that he managed to manoeuvre himself slightly ahead of Adrian, his attitude entirely impersonal. Even once they had paid up their bill and were seated in the relative privacy of the taxi, Tristan barely even glanced at his companion. In fact, it was more than likely that their usual dynamic would not return until they were in the privacy of one or other of their homes.
 
Adrian was a bit angry at himself for not being allowed to carry more, but he didn't say anything and followed along obediently, not saying a single word. His thoughts were somewhere else, even if his eyes and movements were carefully calculated. Something odd about him was that he could perfectly operate without being really "there". For the moment he was thinking about Tristan and his odd behavior, but he shook it off as it being how Tristan was. He tended to act strange in some situations, and maybe his first relationship was something that he got like this over. Adrian took that as the reason for what Tristan was doing. He could be wrong, but at the moment didn't mind that. He knew that Tristan was way too worried to let him carry any kind of burden. It would probably be like this until he was completely recovered from his illness. He knew that it would have to be like that, but of course he felt a bit sad.

He wanted to be able to be normal, but he thought that, if with Tristan, he would probably manage through it somehow. When they had gotten their bill payed, Adrian followed the male to the taxi, knowing that the male wasn't even looking at him. He was wearing a large jacket and loose pants to hide his scrawny body, knowing that not many were completely comfortable with his appearance. He was also wearing a scarf, covering his hands almost entirely with the sleeves. As long as people didn't stare at him for his appearance. Despite everything, he was still not very calm. His heart was steady, so was his breathing, but he could feel his palms get sweaty, and an uneasiness settle in his stomach. It was more emotional that physical, and he hoped that it'd disappear soon so he wouldn't have to worry about it.
 
The journey was at least uneventful. The train arrived on time, and they got back to Victoria without so much as a pause for a signal change. It was a bloody miracle. Tristan spent most of the journey dozing in his seat, catching up on some much needed sleep while he could. He had a feeling that he would remain quite sick with worry, no doubt struggling to sleep in a normal pattern for some time now. It was probably wise for him to be snatching a nap here and there, just in case night time did not correspond with relaxation. He did of course buy each of them some lunch while they were on the train, wolfing down his own and hoping like hell that Adrian would at least pick at his. He couldn't force him to in such a public area, knew full well that it was unfair and unproductive, as much as he secretly desired to ram even a salad down his throat.



Slightly stuck at the minute...do you want to move them to wherever and keep things moving?
 
[[ Yes, let's just move them along to somewhere after they get home. Maybe during Adrian's recovery, when they go to the doctor's for the first time?]]

Adrian was happy that the ride to the train station and the train ride itself seemed to glide rather smoothly. It was pure luck, most definitely. He felt happier than he had in a long, long time, but still not... happy. Well, for once, he felt just a little bit safe. A gentle feeling alike to arms wrapping around him had settled on his torn nerves, almost making them feel close to normal. When they had got on the train, Adrian had been sure that the thing was wavering. He had thought he was going to be sick, but soon, his vision stopped blurring and he looked out the window. Everything was black seeing as they rode in a tunnel. The air was nicely and perfectly temperated to fit in a way so that one wouldn't be uncomfortable, and it smelled neutral despite all of the food. When Adrian had been given his food, he had managed to at least eat a little bit, but it took him three times as long as Tristan to finish it. He actually managed two thirds of the meal, though most of it consisted of the bread, salad, fruit and whatnot. The meat wasn't eaten half, but it was enough. For now...
 
It was through sheer determination and stubbornness that Tristan managed to get an appointment for Adrian. He rung up the surgery the second it opened, and continued to call back every time he got the busy tone. Eventually he hit on a successful phone call, able to make an appointment with a random doctor that wasn't actually his registered GP. He doubted it would matter, given the fact that all they really needed was a referral from this guy, and possibly a panel of blood tests. They'd wait and see what he wanted done, and hope like hell it didn't take months for the referral to go through. Unfortunately, an emergency referral was like to take weeks, if not months, something that really shouldn't have been possible in this day and age.

On the morning of the appointment, Tristan was up early. He rose at an unreasonable hour, choosing to go for a jog, as was his custom these days. He found that he needed this even more so now, just to get his head straight before coming to face Adrian. Today he was even more reluctant to go back to him, fearful that there might be some kind of battle either before or at the doctor. But there was only one way to find out, and so he entered the flat they were now sharing, the already small space seeming yet tighter these days. "I'm going for a shower, you need to get up and have some breakfast, my man." He took the approach of watching Adrian from afar, almost spying on him in an effort to not seem too much like he was hovering over hima t all times.
 
Adrian had just been watching Tristan at that time, his expression blank. He had thought that he'd at least be angry - but he didn't feel anything. Because he knew this guy was just trying to help him out and make him better. He hated that he had to be taken care of and go to a doctor, of all things, but it was better than dying. At least now it was, when he had something to live for. And he was going to bite down his pride and go to a doctor. The reason he had refrained from doing much was also that men in particular did not have disorders like these as much as women. He didn't know why that bothered him, but it just did. But now, he was going. He was going to get blood tests taken and whatever was needed for him to get better, and he knew that if he protested, Tristan would just drag him there after chaining him up. So coming on his own accord seemed just a slight bit better. But according to Tristan it could take months before they even got an appointment, so they'd have to wait until that day, anyways. On the days from there on, he was pushed even harder through eating and what else was needed. He was supposed to get healthier for the doctor trip, too.

And then the day of the appointment came. Adrian had woken at an ungodly hour, but instead of doing anything, he had just lied there with his eyes closed, listening as Tristan left his half of the bed and went out somewhere. Adrian guessed jogging, but he could be wrong. He knew that it was hard for Tristan to be around him, and especially when he was going to do something serious that he didn't necessarily want to do. Tristan probably thought that he was going to throw a tantrum or break down or something else in that caliber. He wasn't sure what Tristan thought, but he took these jogs to get away from something in the house, and Adrian suspected that that was himself. When he heard someone coming back, he went into his fake sleep again as he waited. When Tristan came in and asked him to get up, he opened his eyes immediately and rubbed them, nodding at what Tristan was saying. He went to the kitchen, getting himself a simple breakfast, nothing big or fancy. He didn't want to get himself sick, after all. He knew that Tristan was watching him, too. But instead of the uncomfortable closeness, he had taken to watching from afar.
 
He was pleased to see that Adrian was getting a decent amount of food for himself, glad that he didn't need to force anything down his throat as was so common a situation in these disorders. But this was apparently not going to be the way of things in this case, and so Tristan was able to relax just a little bit as the almost too hot water rushed over a body that was still more tense than it had ever been in the frivolous life that Tristan had once led. It seemed like a lifetime ago now, and he could hardly imagine what it had been like back then. This vagueness didn't dismiss his yearning for what had been such a simple way of dealing with life and its difficult terrain.

When he emerged from the bathroom, dressed and ready to get going, he spoke to Adrian with a little bit of nervousness. "Are you ready to go? I know you don't want to, but it really is the best thing for you." He had said this time and again, but he couldn't keep himseelf from repeating the sentence, just because he knew it to be true and sincerely wanted Adrian to believe it too. At least he seemed to be coming round to the idea, and Tristan was now fairly sure that he would actually make it to the surgery that was thankfully only a few roads away. What might happen when they actuallly arrived there was a different story, and he remained apprehensive about the meeting itself.
 
Adrian gently put down the fork he was holding, having finished his meal but having paid a small amount of attention to the fact that he was still holding the tool in his hand. He lifted his gaze and looked at Tristan, eyes serious, thought not pleased. He wasn't fond of the idea, but he knew he had to go no matter what. It would prove to be his life saver somewhere in the future. "I... you know I'm going. And... you know I don't like it, but... I'll try to bear with it, whatever will happen." He said, voice gentle and with a lack of spirit that he usually had whenever his disorder and bad shape ended up as a conversation topic. But he was going to fight for this, and he knew that it was only him who could take up the fight.

Pulling himself together, he stood up and walked over to Tristan. Even if they were only three years apart in age, Tristan towered over him. Adrian wrapped his arms around the other male's back, closing his eyes. "Get close to me again." He said, his voice not even having any kind of joking tone to it like usually when he tried to avoid serious things. "You can be closer than within five feet of me, you know. I feel lonely when you're just standing there. Don't keep a distance. Please." The last part actually harbored an amount of pleading, and it was obvious that he meant it. He wanted for them to be in a relationship sometime, so of course he meant it, seriously. He wasn't going to move around the topic anymore.
 
Although everyone had their demons to fight, it seemed that these two had formidable foes compared to some others. Life was so unfair. Neither one of them had done anything all that terrible, and here they were, fighting for a life that had barely begun. Although Adrian's predicament was more obvious to the naked eye, this didn't negate the immense pull on Tristan to behave in a way that was deemed appropriate by his elders. Of course, he had flouted these rules for some time, but in a way that was almost acceptable to many men, playing around in ones youth was almost expected of alot of youngsters, and so Tristan had not disappointed. But this burden he endured now was far more taxing. He did not know how to be intimate and open with a loved one, and he certainly didn't know how to act in public. What he would do if the day ever came to announce the coupling to his parents, he was quite sure he'd rather drop dead of a heart attack. And then there was the feeling of responsibility, the guilt that came with failing Adrian. He shouldered a largely fictional burden on his own, staggering under the weight of the perceived knowledge that anything that happened was on his conscience.

Despite his misgivings about the entire damn situation, Tristan did his best not to be a complete asshole, doing what came naturally in a stiff and stilted manner. He gingerly wrapped his own arms around Adrian, trying not to think too much about what was being said. "I'm sorry." He muttered, not sure what else he could do. Although Tristan was aware that any relationship needed contact and communication, he was trying to avoid as much of this as he could, for reasons that were confused at best. He wanted to protect himself from what was probably going to be a disaster, and also wanted to ensure he didn't end up using Adrian. God knew he had a habit of just that. But right now there were more important things to be worrying about, this could be saved for later, "I'll try harder, but right now we need to go."
 
Adrian nodded. He supposed he knew that. Tristan had for a long time not even given the thing called a serious relationship even a thought. Of course there'd be loose ends to tie, and places where the man wouldn't be able to show the same love that any "normal" person would do. They were both with problems, and they both needed to deal with some things before they could get together. This didn't stop Adrian from hugging the male tighter, and when they pulled back, he dared to steal a kiss, as well. It would be better to at least make his feelings obvious and not hide them. If he made Tristan doubt how he felt there'd be even more trouble, he knew that much. He didn't want Tristan to think too much about it. He hated that he was making the other male think he had some kind of burden that didn't even exist other places than in his mind. Adrian was angry with himself over this, and it was one of his main reasons at the moment to fight his disorder. If he didn't do that, then Tristan would blame himself. And everything was Adrian's fault. He had to somehow make everything good again, at any cost it might take. If he didn't, he'd possibly end up in a bad, bad situation, and he knew that much. He closed his eyes as he made up his confused mind. He knew he had to do that, and now.

When he was done thinking, he glanced up at Tristan and smiled, a smile without much emotion but rather a determination than a sort of happiness. He wasn't happy. That was still quite a few steps away. But he was definitely going to get there, and his eyes showed that as he took Tristan's hand in his own. He had to do this, go to the doctor and be well. And he knew it was going to be difficult and horrible, and that he was going to hear some things that he didn't like the sound of. All of these things was something that he was aware of, and he just needed to wait patiently for himself to get ready for it. He knew that Tristan was going to support him, otherwise the male would have left when they came back from France. But Tristan was right here, and the warmth from his hand served as more of a safety line than ever, making Adrian's heartbeat slow down.
 
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