Restless Hearts (Closed to Melia)

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It meant a lot of things that Chris didn't feel comfortable saying out loud, and he continued to hesitate as Zach questioned him a second time. The other man's voice no longer sounded angry, definitely less cold than when he had been asked to leave earlier and Chris had to wonder what had changed his mind. The text had been cryptic to a point, but this was the first time (that Chris could personally recall) that Zach had gone from livid to understanding without any petty stops in between. Chris really hadn't expected Zach to call, and the directness of the questions was really getting to him.

Taking a deep breath, Chris carefully chose his next words—unlike the comment that had gotten him into this mess in the first place. "It means that I'd pick you first, that's all." But that wasn't all, and he suspected that Zach knew that already. "You're my best friend and I'd pick you over just about anyone."

If they were going to continue to dance around this subject, then Chris at least wanted Zach to know why they were dancing. He had put deliberate emphasis on the importance of their friendship, and he hoped that Zach understood that it wasn't something he was willing to jeopardize. On the off chance that something actually came of this conversation, there was still the fallout to think of, the inevitable demise of the relationship in general when something went horribly wrong. Chris was still hiding behind closet doors, and Zach was, as of that very day, one step closer to being out.

"I was trying to apologize," he added quietly into the phone and began to fidget with a smear of black ink on his middle finger.
 
Zach could sense that Chris was still dancing around the subject and he had no intention of letting it go this time. He listened patiently as Chris tried to explain, only the sound of his breathing coming through the other line and the sound of Noah's tags jingling as the dog scratched himself on the far side of the room. The dog sensed a shift in Zach's demeanor now though, and came over, resting his head on Zach's lap, eager for head scratches. Zach's full attention was on Chris now though, and the head scratches were absentminded.

Chris was putting an emphasis on their friendship but Zach pushed on. "You would pick me for what, Chris?" Again he waited, his breathing somewhat heavy into the phone, his own anticipation of Chris' answer showing through in that single way only. He ignored the excuse of an apology and pressed on. "You'd pick me over anyone else for what?"

It wasn't a conversation for a text message. In all actuality it was a conversation meant to be had face to face. However given the way that Chris had skirted around the subject in person, which had made Zach angry more than anything, even Zach could admit that having the conversation in person would probably be too much for even him.

Once the scene of a failed dinner, his apartment was now a scene of impeccable neatness. Just a solid brunette man with neatly styled hair laying on a brown leather couch with his loyal dog next to him, head propped on the man's lap. The only sounds in the room being a quiet one sided conversation. It was hard to believe that only hours earlier, the much more relaxed style of Chris had made it's appearance here and left small clues of his presence. A jacket thrown over the back of a chair, where Zach would have hung his in the closet. A flour spilled across the counter and the floor, a spattering of egg on the countertop and crumbs of Panko. Zach could only imagine the messier house that Chris was having this conversation. He'd probably left it all to write in his journal, something that Zach had seen the other man do on numerous occasions on tour as well.
 
After spending so much time together, Chris now knew the ins and outs of Zach's personality, and thinking that the other man had chosen that day in particular to be anything less than unrelenting was a painfully stupid mistake. The conversation was taking an uncomfortable turn, and Chris could feel panic rising inside of him, the instinct to run away or hang up the phone and hide was starting to look like a legitimate option as Zach picked at his words. It was clear that he wanted an answer, a real one and not just dismissive placation to be revisited at another time. There was a brave part of Chris that wanted to give Zach what he wanted, but the consequences were so stacked against him that Chris had gone more than a little quiet.

"For..." he paused and breathed a slow, frustrated, sigh that he was sure the phone picked up. "For whatever you want. Anything." It was vague but true, and while Chris hadn't meant to shift the responsibility to choose where their relationship went next, that was probably what it sounded like.

Thinking on it now, in the small bursts of clarity that managed to shine through all of the panic, this was more than likely something that needed to be done in person. However, Chris doubted that his answers would have been anymore satisfying than they were over the phone and Zach had already tried to pull the truth out of him earlier in the night. It was probable to assume that this phone call was going to end in anger and Chris was very unsure of how he was going to deal with it.

"It was only trying to apologize," he repeated, now pacing around the living room in the dark.
 
"For whatever I want...?" It was a question laced with curiosity. "I thought we were talking about what you want." There was just the tiniest hint of amusement in Zach's voice again. Contrary to the panic and restlessness that Chris was feeling at the moment, Zach was completely the opposite. He was relaxed. Curious. Probing, but who wouldn't after such a statement as "I'd pick you."

"You would pick me for whatever I want? Chris, when you're the one doing the picking I don't really have a say on what I'm being picked for, do I?" His tone over the phone wasn't particularly gentle, but it wasn't harsh or angry. The amusement was there only as slight as the crinkle in his smiling eyes, even though the rest of his face remained neutral.

"It's one hell of an interesting apology, friend."
 
As someone who had a hard time sitting still to begin with, the panic that Chris was currently feeling made it impossible not to fidget and pacing was the best way to work off all of the nervous energy that he was feeling. Although, walking small circles in his apartment, around the couch and looping around the coffee table probably wasn't the best idea that he'd ever had because Zach's amusement with the whole situation caught him off guard and Chris managed to smash one of his toes into the leg of a chair. Biting down on his lip, the blond finally paused and squeezed his eyes closed until the pain subsided.

"Of course you do," Chris disagreed, "you definitely do." There was no guarantee that Zach would even want anything to do with him, and being gay didn't mean that the uppity actor had suddenly lowered his standards. Although Chris thought of himself as halfway decent looking, and an alright boyfriend, he didn't think of himself as the kind of perfect that (he imagined) Zach wanted.

Finally, Chris stopped his erratic pacing and stood quietly in the dark as he dug his sore toes into the carpet. "You could say no. Picking you doesn't mean anything unless you're interested." Quickly, Chris braced himself for rejection and the permanent loss of a close friend.
 
An unconscious smile made it's way onto Zach's face, further amused at the dodging of any real subject on Chris' part. On the other end of the line, he was sure Chris was pacing and he thought he heard a thump. The strain in Chris' voice told Zach that he'd probably bumped into a piece of furniture. It all told Zach that Chris was very nervous.

"Well now, that would depend on what I'm being picked for, doesn't it? Whether I agree or disagree? How do I know if I'm interested if you don't tell me what you're picking me for?" Zach's smile was probably evident in his voice at this point, as unconscious as it was to him that a shit eating grin had crept it's way onto his face. Even his tone had become a mix of amusement and flirtation. So maybe his suspicions had been right. But he would continue to prod and dig for hints until he knew for sure.
 
The amusement in Zach's voice and all of the vague questions only made the conversation feel like a game. Although Chris had been intentionally cryptic himself, it wasn't an attempt to conceal the truth in a malicious way, it was only to protect his own feelings and his career from being cut short before it really got off the ground. For some reason, Zach seemed to think that his discomfort was fun and Chris didn't enjoy being made to squirm when the phone call was hard enough on him already. Not answering would have been the better choice because he'd finally calmed down after getting all of his thoughts down on paper and now his mind was in a million different frightened places.

"It's not a joke, okay? This isn't...I'm not..." Not being able to form a coherent sentence was hardly his finest moment, and Chris thought that he was going to have a panic attack right there on the phone. He took another deep breath and closed his eyes as he pressed a hand over his face. "If you're fucking with me, then I'm going to hang up." The stress in his voice was clear, a direct contrast to the amusement that had filtered through in Zach's words. In that moment, the origins of Chris's crush on the other man were rather unclear.

Again, Chris began to pace. This time, it was much further away from the legs of coffee tables and chairs—his toes may have thanked him if they could.
 
"Oh my God I'm not fucking with you, Chris. I'm listening. I'm trying to understand." Zach sighed, the smile slipping off his face as Chris became more serious. "And I'm trying not to make assumptions," he added. "Since, you know that makes an ass out of you and me- thing."

Zach's feelings might not have been quite as vulnerable as Chris' were, he wasn't quite as sensitive. But that didn't mean he didn't have feelings, or that he was incapable of empathy. And when he enjoyed toying around with the idea of Chris as being more than a friend as much as he did, it did put a bit of his heart on the ledge.

And while he never liked to admit that he had feelings, he did have feelings. And despite the fact that he liked to pretend his feelings didn't exist, he definitely didn't mind when someone else presented their own feelings towards him. Which was why he didn't fully understand why people felt him to be unapproachable. Maybe because he didn't particularly reflect their own humanity. Or something.

Which was a point he was about to make. "I'm not very good at this whole feelings thing. That's really your strength, not mine. So whatever it is you're feeling or whatever is going on, you have to be kind of straight forward with me because I really suck at picking up on it. So just tell me what's going on? I'm not here to judge you or fuck with you. If you're being serious I'm being serious too. Alright? Serious business," he added, dropping his voice lower to emphasize how serious he was meaning to be.
 
Almost everything in his mind said that Zach was sincere and that the continued poking and prodding was for a good reason. However, there was a paranoid part of Chris that was still afraid to speak his mind and put his feelings on the line because at some point, the whole issue of his sexuality would have to be addressed. At this point, and with the sudden seriousness that Zach was willing to take on, rejection didn't seem likely but Chris didn't think that a real relationship with his best friend was all that possible when he was stuck in the closet. How were they supposed to have something normal if there were secrets from day one? And the last thing that Chris wanted was to hide someone that had the potential to make him incredibly happy.

"Serious business," Chris repeated with a nod and stopped his pacing yet again. More hesitation followed as he tried to find both the right words and the strength to be honest. Feelings were his strong suit when they didn't center around a crush that he wasn't supposed to have, a crush that really was a lot more than what he inwardly made it out to be. The worst part was that Chris didn't even know where to start, or how to even bring himself to say those words.

All of his pacing brought him to the kitchen and Chris found himself fidgeting there as well by opening and closing cabinets, which he was sure Zach was able to hear. "I feel stupid because I'm too old for this," Chris finally said, unable to understand why, as a man of nearly-thirty, crushes were still plaguing him the way they had when he was a kid. Just the same as being a kid, sometimes diving right in was the best option, the way a bandaid needed to be ripped off in one bravely painful tug. "I like you, a lot, and I'm really not supposed to. That's why I got...weird. I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened."
 
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In the background, Zach could hear what sounded like the opening and closing of cabinet doors. He couldn't quite determine if Chris was cleaning while he was on the phone, or if he was digging for something to eat, despite the meal they'd had earlier.

Hearing Chris admit that he had feelings for him though did bring on a silent fist pump on Zach's end of the line. The celebration both for finally pulling it out of the other man, and also for the excitement that coursed through his veins at the thought that Chris had feelings for him.

"I don't know who made those rules, that you're not to supposed to," he said finally, his voice a calm and steady opposite to what he was feeling inside. Society had pressed rules on people since day one but Zach had long ago learned that feelings really didn't follow any set rule and in the end following your heart was really the best. He was lucky in that he had supportive friends and also that he was of the personality type that just didn't put up with shit from other people.

"I quite like that idea," he admitted, the image of he and Chris being a rather pleasant one. "We're both adults here, and even if I was against it, you know I'd still be your friend so you don't need to feel weird."
 
"It's complicated," Chris admitted quietly when asked about the unspoken rules that governed his career. The subject wasn't something that he wanted to broach with Zach, not over the phone and not ever because when spoken out loud, the rules sounded oppressive and backwards, and he was sure that Zach would argue with him even if the rules had never been his idea in the first place. Being gay in Hollywood wasn't as easy as announcing it and moving on, not when his career so far consisted of the fucking Princess Diaries sequel, a Lindsay Lohan move and romantic comedies—Star Trek was a way into more action movies and as he had been told a thousand times—queers saving the world wasn't a believable thing.

However, Zach's voice was calm and comforting, and Chris couldn't help the smile that lit up his face when he heard those words. "But you're not against it?" he asked, just to clarify and make sure that he wasn't imagining things, that he didn't have to pinch himself to wake up from this awkwardly satisfying dream. "Me and you—that's something you want?" There was still a certain anxiety inside of him, fear that everything was going to end terribly, that someone would find out, that one picture from a high-powered camera had the power to ruin everything.

The happiness that Chris felt, though, outweighed whatever risk was involved. If Zach wanted him, Chris wanted to be there; he wanted to be picked first too. The idea of asking the other man out on a date felt juvenile, but Chris only wanted the end result, the emotion and connection that came from hours of time alone, the kisses and everything else. "We could do this again," he offered with a nervous laugh, "tonight, I mean. Do it over with something Italian...I'll bring you wine. Maybe flowers."

Did other men appreciate flowers? Chris didn't even know.
 
Zach couldn't help laughing at Chris' response. Admitting he didn't mind the idea of him and Chris together had somehow lead to the hop, skip and jump to a second try at a date night. "Whoa there!" Zach laughed again, imagining Chris, probably eagerly doing laps around his apartment. "But sure, I'm not opposed to giving it a try. I'm single, you're single. Why not?"

Of course he didn't know just how deeply Chris was already into him, and he'd not spent nearly enough time entertaining the idea to get on that same plane but he knew this would certainly be different. There would be a shift.

Still, there was more to discuss than just dinner and wine and... flowers... apparently. Zach wasn't much of a flower guy. But it made him smile at the idea of Chris trying to woo him with traditional antics. That was very cute. "Does any of your PR team know about this? Or do we need to make an extra special effort to be secretive?"

He wasn't opposed to being secretive. There was something exciting about it. After all he'd been doing it for some time now. He just wanted to know where the important boundaries were. Especially if Chris himself felt confused about his sexuality.

"Isn't it a bit late for dinner now though? I'm not opposed by any means, but it's after eleven."

If it were his choice, he'd be fine with finding an Italian diner that was open late, despite the fact that Chris had specifically requested Zach cook it. He wasn't fond of the idea of cooking a second dinner. "If you want to come over again though, that's fine. Or I could come there. Or we can wait. Whatever. Whatever you're comfortable with," he emphasized.
 
The casual tone of Zach's words and laughter nearly had Chris hanging up the phone and hiding away for the rest of the week. When it came to the women he dated, the blond hardly considered himself to be smooth but he was always a little more self-assured than whenever he happened to be flirting with a man, or rather, attempting to. It was even worse with Zach, who always came off as so cool and collected while Chris was left to trip and fumble with himself like the awkward kid he'd always been. If anyone ever described him as charismatic, it was sure to be in an ironic sort of way.

"No," Chris said quickly, hoping to make it very clear that there had to be stipulations and conditions on whatever this turned out to be. One date, or a fifty—they all had to be secret. "And they can't know. They already think I'm too close to you, and I really don't want more lectures about it." He also didn't want to give his agent more excuses to fling slurs at him as if they hadn't already gone out of style. "I'd understand if you didn't want to...whatever with me because of it. I wouldn't want to be someone's secret either." Already, Chris knew that Zach deserved better than what he was able to give but Chris was only human—selfish and desperate for happiness.

Although most of his fidgeting had now ceased, Chris was still anxious and it showed in the way he stood in the darkness of the kitchen. His shoulders were tense, blue eyes cast downward at the counter top that his hand had gripped onto the edge of. Sexuality shouldn't have been this much of a struggle, and it was hardly fair to choose between a viable career and love—or like. "No, not tonight, it's late," Chris said with a shake of his head. "I didn't mean right this minute. I meant whenever you want to. If you want to at all."

Part of Chris was already convinced that once the conversation was over, Zach was going to have second thoughts about everything. Fear of rejection never lingered very far off.
 
"You're getting lectures about being too close to me?" Zach let out a low whistle. "You need to get a new PR team. We weren't even-" Zach cut himself off. Partially it was in disgust because he couldn't believe anyone would think their friendship was somehow offensive but also because he realized maybe Chris had been giving off plenty of signs all along and Zach had been oblivious while everyone else had put together the pieces. It would be something to think about. It was just that Zach had never really even considered Chris to be in the playing field or even eligible. Up until this point, other than occasionally noticing that Chris was very attractive, the friendship, at least in his mind, had been entirely platonic. For the most part. Stray thoughts aside.

"You forget that I'm not publicly out either," Zach pointed out. "Secretive dating isn't new to me. However, we'll both have to be more careful than I normally would be. Two hot celebrities. Gay. With each other? Imagine the tabloids."

The thought was a nightmare.

"We can wait. That's fine. But at least let me help you with your laundry tomorrow. I imagine it's frightening." And it was an excuse to go over to Chris'. As if he needed one. Not now, especially. And a make out session on the washing machine didn't sound too shabby.
 
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When said that way, so offended and full of disbelief, Chris recognized how crazy the situation really was. Every actor had a PR team and a manager and people that helped to keep a career on track but Chris hated knowing and talking about the fact that he was essentially paying people to put his life under a microscope and pick it apart in the worst kind of way. There was nothing to be done about it at the moment, nothing that could be done to fix that behavior or get away from it when he was on the cusp of really breaking into the industry and being part of bigger and better movies—Star Trek was just the beginning to misery and Chris had known that from the start.

"You're not out now, but you will be," Chris said and hoisted himself up onto the counter. "It won't be long." His heels kicked quietly against the wooden cabinets, and he leaned himself back against the cupboards, head tipped back and blue eyes focused on the overhead light that wasn't on. Something between a laugh and a sigh left his lips as Zach joked about the tabloids, and how scandalous their relationship could be. Laughter was just a coping mechanism because the basis for his nightmares tended to revolve around his secrets getting out and his life being ruined by either an ex-boyfriend or whatever was about to happen with Zach.

Furrowing his brow, Chris finally broke his fixed stare from the ceiling. "I know you think I'm a human disaster, but I can do my own laundry," he assured, laughing again. Although the idea of having Zach over for the day, just hanging out and testing the waters in a place that he felt safe in was incredibly tempting, and it was also sweet of Zach to offer. He smiled softly to himself, his heart palpitating in a nervously happy sort of way. "But...come over whenever you want. I'll be up," thanks to almost forty-eight hours of sleeping off jet lag.
 
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Ah. The pros and cons of coming out. That was always an interesting subject and one that Zach still was unsure of where he stood. He'd spent a great deal of time turning the subject over and over in his mind and had even laid awake at night sometimes. "I don't know if I will. It's always a toss up for me whether it's really anyone's business who I prefer in bed or not. You know? It's private. People don't go announcing their sex lives on a day to day basis. So it's sort of... could be career ruining or not. You tell people you're gay and no matter how you phrase it, they're going to start thinking about what you do in bed. Which is ten times worse when people you don't even know recognize you on the street. No one has to come out if they don't feel comfortable about it. But sometimes I don't like feeling like I'm hiding either. This is me, and this is the reality of a lot of people in the world. Why shouldn't people accept the way I am and the way others are? Maybe it would make a difference in the world, if I came out. Make it somehow more acceptable. I don't know. That's sounds very "heroic" of me doesn't it? Trying to make a difference? It's a constant battle and I'm not sure what I want to do yet."

It was really the first time that Zach had spoken about this to anyone besides his mother. Somehow, knowing that Chris seemed to reciprocate some of his feelings made him feel that much closer and more comfortable to the other man. Chris could understand in only the way another up and coming celebrity who was still in the closet could understand.

"I know you can do your own laundry, but I want to help." Zach said with a soft laugh. "Also I'm excellent at folding fitted sheets and you know that is a skill set that very few people possess. Admit it, you could use my expertise." Expertise in laundry and expertise in other areas too. Zach didn't say it out loud. But he thought it. And wiggled his eyebrows to himself. And Noah, the only other being in the room who had eyes and probably thought Zach was being a bit weird.
 
As usual, and with any subject, Zach made all kinds of points that Chris could get behind without a second thought. Everything that came out of the other man's mouth was both a reason to stay hidden and a reason to come out, get the tough stuff over with and move on. For Zach, Chris guessed, it was easier said than done. As much as he didn't want to admit it, they were different actors suited for different roles—Chris was always going to thrown into a pile of action scripts while Zach could be offered the wet dreams of every indie director and shine bright like a new Rihanna song. In some kind of problematic way, Zach being gay was almost expected.

"You'll figure it out," Chris assured with a small smile into the phone. There was a part of him that was just happy to hear Zach talk about the things that went on in his head, and the deep considerations for both his sexuality and his private life. "You have all the time in the world anyway," he added, knowing that even coming out to friends was a big step. Regardless of the present conversation, Chris was still extremely glad that Zach trusted him enough to share something like that and it was a trust that he never wanted to betray.

Moving on, the subject of having someone to fold the dreaded fitted sheet was always tempting. Chris laughed again, his grin growing just a bit wider, "admitting it just means I'll never hear the end of it. I'm not going to do that to myself." At the very least, the teasing between them hadn't changed and Chris was grateful for that. "If you bring coffee, I'll welcome your expertise with open arms," he finally relented.

After that, it was pretty much decided; hanging out with a side of weird date was happening. Chris felt good about everything and that included himself, which was a rare occurrence so soon after getting into a fight with someone.
 
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"Of course I'll bring coffee. What would this world be like without coffee?" Zach smiled and he could feel Chris's own smile through the phone line as well. As the now midnight conversation came to a close, Zach wandered off to bed, smile never leaving his face. Noah followed on his heels and Harold had already made himself a comfortable spot on Zach's bed. He slept with a smile and dreamt about Chris.

The next morning he arrived bright and early and Chris's apartment coffee cups in a carrier and looking quite fresh. He'd even bothered to put on a bit of cologne for the other man, finding his morning routine had changed when he was trying to impress someone. Pep talks in the mirror were not entirely an unusual thing for Zach. Certainly not today.
 
Surprisingly, sleep came rather easy for Chris that night. There was no tossing and turning, no weird dreams that caused him to lay awake for hours in the dark and his mind finally wasn't spinning in circles. It felt good to get the truth off of his chest in a roundabout sort of way, and it felt even better to know that the feelings he'd been harboring for Zach for months were somewhat returned. Despite his anxiety for the situation as a whole, getting caught or being outed, Chris was looking forward to the morning and the next day that would, hopefully, go much more smoothly than the night that had just ended.

Thanks to all of the sleeping that Chris had done in the last two days, waking up at a reasonable hour was rather easy. After taking a shower, and spending just a little bit of extra time on his appearance, Chris deemed himself presentable to do chores around his apartment. His first task, before Zach even got there, was to sort the laundry from his suitcases that had been sitting by the doorway since he'd gotten home from Europe. Unpacking was almost worse than packing in a sense, and Chris realized that as souvenirs, such as shot glasses, were unearthed among his worn clothes.

Just as Chris had finished sorting out a pile to take to the dry cleaners, there was a knock at the door. Getting up from the floor, Chris went to answer it and didn't bother to hide his smile when his eyes fell upon Zach looking just as put together as ever but with a dash of cologne that mixed with the freshly roasted smell of coffee. "Morning," he greeted, and let the other man into his space, which was a little messier than usual thanks to all the clothes. However, Chris was too busy being beside himself with how not-weird this was, and how natural everything felt after agreeing only hours before to maybe be more than friends.
 
Zach's smile mirrored Chris' as he entered the room. It was the first time seeing the other man since discovering his affection and Zach was tempted to kiss his cheek in greeting, though thought better of it because they'd hardly determined boundaries just yet. He passed Chris the coffee and complimented him. "Morning. You look nice." Zach's eyes flirted with the other man, looking his frame up and down and gave a smug little grin. "Expecting someone?"

Predictably, the place wasn't exactly clean, and Chris' empty suitcases suggested that he'd only just cleaned them out. Zach barely noticed this though, because he was content with watching Chris. He plucked his own coffee from the carrier and took a careful sip to be sure he didn't burn himself.

"So, what do you want to do first?"
 
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