Restless Hearts (Closed to Melia)

[neptune]

At first, Chris was unsure of whether or not Zach was still kidding. The truth was that he had been horribly jealous of the lighting guy, and although that may have been the first person to enter the other man's mind, Chris wondered if Zach knew more than he was letting on. "I wasn't jealous," he disagreed, attempting to clarify despite their banter. "They just wanted you to be happy, and we both know he wasn't enough for you." The lighting tech was never someone that Chris would have approved of, although he never would have told Zach that—what place did a straight guy have meddling in the love life of anyone? Chris was never going to be that sort of close with Zach, and witty banter was about the best he could do.

If they weren't going through a hypothetical divorce, Zach was speculating on when Chris was going to be evicted because of his procrastination. "Like who?" he asked, not expecting an answer. Contrary to popular belief, Chris was quite capable of keeping himself from being thrown out of his apartment and when he got home that night, he made a mental note to go through that large stack of mail. Thanks to Star Trek, Chis didn't struggle for very much these days.

"I don't plan on falling into any pits anytime soon," he clarified with a laugh as he watched Zach bite into one of the cooling chicken pieces. He smiled as the other man admitted to frying being the superior cooking method. "You'll make up for it, I'm sure," he said, shrugging, "green juice, kale, raspberry...something. What's the latest thing this week?" Chris didn't actually care, but a few pieces of fried chicken weren't going to make or break Zach's whole healthy lifestyle.

Once again, Harold seemed to be lurking around and Noah wasn't far behind. The mutt had parked himself at the edge of the kitchen, much more noticeable than the smallish cat who was currently eying the chicken. Leaning over, Chris plucked a spare piece of crispy breading from the plate and held it out for Harold. It was a bold move, usually he chose to sneak the animals food rather than feed them right in front of their handsomely uppity owner.

 

[Melia]

Chris' self defense in relation to the lighting guy caused Zach to raise an eyebrow in suspicion. It was an interesting response to say the least and despite the on going joke hanging between them, he wondered if there wasn't some truth behind Chris' words. He had replied almost a little too quickly as well, which peaked even more suspicion.

With the joke heading in the direction it was, Zach decided it was safe enough territory, that it could be masked with humor if needed, to go out on a limb. "Someone like me, obviously," he countered. "You can be sitting as cushy as you like on the piles of money Captain Kirk has given you but if you don't pay your bills you're gonna get in trouble."

Zach had placed the bait now, and he was observing Chris' reaction closely. He wondered if Chris noticed his slightly flirtatious tone or if it came across as the humorous tone he had been carrying the entire conversation. Even Zach wasn't quite sure, if he were being honest with himself. He'd been told he could have a rather flirty personality at times, even if he wasn't necessarily meaning to be so.

It was somewhat forgotten however when Chris handed Harold a bit of chicken right in front of him. "Hey!" Zach moaned, his tone nasally as a whine creeped in. "Seriously, dude? This is why he begs me for food when you're not around isn't it?" Zach reached out and swatted lightly at Chris' hand with his own and tried to give the other man a cross glare, though it came across more pouty than angry. "Don't," he said, the word stretching far longer than he meant it to.

 

[neptune]

Maybe it had been too quick of a response, more defensive than joking, Chris didn't know but he wished that he could have taken it back. Letting Zach know that something was off about him, that they had more in common than how they took their coffee, and their propinquity for classic novels, was a very bad idea. In that moment, Chris didn't understand how or why he was so bad at keeping his own secrets, but it was starting to feel like there was some unknown force working against him.

For the second time that day, Chris was relatively sure that Zach was fucking with him. The other man's voice often took on a low, flirtatious quality when jokes went a little too far, but Zach's face conveyed a type of seriousness that Chris had never seen before. Were they meant for one another? In Chris's mind, of course, there wasn't a single doubt about it, but coming out and saying that was an entirely different type of monster. He couldn't agree, he couldn't say what he was thinking: yes, Zach. You're definitely that person for me. Please save me from my non-bill-paying ways. We can eat kale until it goes out of style, and I'll finally get to fall asleep with you in a bed instead of on your uncomfortable, leather couch.

Instead of the truth, Chris shot back with what was quite possibly the douchiest thing to ever leave his mouth, "you'll have to get in line first." It was a horrible thing to say, even if the core of it was somewhat true. Chris had options if he wanted to get laid or be in a relationship, but there would never be a scenario in which Zach would have to wait for him. It was just an ugly lie.

He was so distracted by the newest low depths of preserving his heterosexuality, that he barely noticed Zach scolding him for feeding Harold. "Sorry," Chris said, attempting to get himself back into the conversation, "that's exactly the reason, but he was going to beg eventually. You know that."

 

[Melia]

While the joke Zach had been pretending to feed had been in reference to the pair being flatmates, the response he'd gotten had implied far more than even Zach had been anticipating. So Chris had been on the same train of thought that he'd been on, but what surprised Zach most was the way the answer had stung.

It was now clear that they both were toying with hidden feelings beneath the joking, but Zach was not sure if it was directed toward him, or if Chris was simply struggling with his own feelings. He suddenly worried that Chris might be questioning, and Zach coming out had triggered some sort of defensive response. He'd experienced it in a handful of his friends coming out, so it wasn't the first time he'd seen that.

Zach grew quiet after that, never knowing if he should say something to comfort his friend, to encourage opening up, or if that would be insulting to Chris who might be struggling with denial as well. Finally, after a moment of silence and a grateful distraction of shooing the animals out of the kitchen Zach replied with his best non joking tone that he could. "I'm sure all the Captain Kirk fangirls would just love to come be your roommate and cook for you. I imagine the line would be around the block."

 

[neptune]

The sudden silence was the worst part. While Chris had often dreamed of leaving Zach speechless, it was usually attributed to some kind of grand, romantic gesture, or even a killer blowjob—not thinking up a terrible lie. He hadn't even considered that Zach had only been talking about being roommates, just two friends sharing a place so that Chris could be a little more neat, and Zach could manage to relax every once in a while without meticulously arranging the medicine cabinet. Assuming that there was something more to their relationship had just been stupid and Chris knew that he was going to have to seriously start accepting that Zach didn't want him and never would, no matter how often he put himself in front of the other man.

Finally, however, Zach did speak and his voice had lost that flirty tone that always made Chris so nervous. The comment left him feeling rather hollow, as if fangirls were all he'd ever have. "Oh yeah," he agreed, much more sarcastic than he meant to be, "what a life. What kind of person would I be if I didn't take full advantage of this Captain Kirk thing?"

Happy.

Now feeling the need to fidget once more, Chris reached for his drink and found that the bottle was empty. Quickly, he moved back over to the fridge and grabbed a fresh beer for himself and popped the top off in record time. "How much longer?" he asked, attempting to circumvent the discomfort in the room by shifting the topic of conversation. He couldn't even say that he was hungry anymore, Chris just wanted something to do so that he didn't say any more ridiculous things.

 

[Melia]

Chris' biting reply set Zach's jaw. He inhaled sharply and turned the dial on the stove to "off" with a loud click and moved the pan to an unused burner to cool. The chicken in the oven still had a few more minutes before it would be finished and Zach turned around to face Chris, arms folded across his chest.

"You going to tell me what's bothering you? You've been weird all night. Or did me coming out to you change our ability to be friends?"

He wasn't angry, but he'd grown frustrated, particularly because he'd never wanted to come across as unapproachable, and he'd thought that he and Chris had become close enough friends that it shouldn't be the case. But maybe he'd been off on his understanding. Others had told him that he could be intimidating. And he was rather Type A personality. But he was missing the harmless banter with Chris tonight. And there was clearly underlying feelings or something under their words tonight. Zach was equally at fault for it, but felt it was time to bring it out in the open, at least for the sake of preserving friendship.

 

[neptune]

"What?" Chris asked, quickly frowning. "No. No, definitely not. I don't...It's not that." The fact that Zach would even think such a sensitive admission would impede their ability to remain friends stung, and the blond hated that his own problems were beginning to bleed into his normal life. He really did feel bad for making Zach think that there was something wrong, even though there was but Chris thought that he was better at hiding it. Since waking up that morning, he'd felt like a failure all around—too many double-sided jokes, too much wishful thinking and now he had upset the one person that he always wanted to be there for.

Looking back at Zach, Chris sighed. "It's not anything," he claimed. "It's the jet lag. You know how it is after that many time zones and I never take your advice on how to sleep." It was a lame excuse, one that Chris was fairly certain Zach wouldn't buy, but he wasn't going to have this discussion now (or ever, if he could help it). "It's not you, and I really don't have a problem with you being gay. I told you already, I think it's great." That was true, at least. Chris really was proud of Zach and it was easy to ignore his own envy when he knew how much happier and lighter his best friend's life was going to be.

"I can get out of here if you want," he offered quietly but he hoped it wouldn't come to that. When backed into a corner, Chris would often choose to run and hiding in his apartment for a while didn't sound all that bad.

 

[Melia]

Zach sighed and unfolded his arms. He knew Chris was hiding something, but he knew better than to try to assume anything. It stung a bit, that Chris felt afraid to be open with him, after Zach had been so open with him tonight, but he tried not to let it get to him.

"I know you well enough I can tell when you're lying," he said more gently this time. "And I don't know whatever it is you're feeling uncomfortable about but I don't really want you to feel like you can't talk to me about stuff. But I'm not going to push."

Just then the timer on the oven buzzed and Zach turned his attention back to the food, pulling the last of the chicken out. "So it's up to you. If you're comfortable staying, stay. If you're more comfortable leaving, I'll pack some food up for you to take home. Because lord knows you'll forget to eat or something. Besides, there's more than enough for two people."

A small shrug. "I like having you around. So don't feel like you're not welcome. And the animals miss you too. I don't want anything to get weird between us just because I'm... y'know... gay. It's not like I'm going to try and come on to you or anything, if that's what this is about."

Unless you were up for that, of course. Which you might be. But I'm not really sure. You don't even seem that sure.

Zach's stomach rumbled and he turned to grab a plate from the cabinet. "But yeah I'm starving so I'm gonna eat."

 

[neptune]

Sometimes, Chris hated how well Zach knew him and his habits. Lying wasn't something that Chris did very well and even as a child, he was always tripping himself up with his own fibs and usually ended up grounded for it. This was different, though, and his friendship with Zach was important. The blond knew that he should have been able to be honest, or at least not afraid to speak his mind in front of someone who would clearly understand, but something continued to stop him. The thought of losing Zach, or being rejected was just too much to handle, and Chris hadn't felt this way about another guy since college. That experience had been terrifying as well.

"It's not that," Chris insisted, although he was happy that Zach wanted him to stay. However, that small burst of happiness was rather short-lived when the thought of coming onto him was so dismissible. Zach had confirmed Chris's worst thoughts without really meaning to, and he finally had his answer—the other man wasn't the slightest bit interested. "I don't think you're going to do that," he said, managing not to sound hurt, or upset, or anything but normal despite how badly he wanted to run away.

Friendship was all he was ever going to get, and Chris wasn't going to throw it away just because of a crush. No matter what they were, he was just happy to be part of Zach's life and inwardly, Chris told himself that the pain he felt in his chest would fade away with time. "It's really not you," he continued to lie and watched as Zach got himself a plate from the cupboard. "There's a lot of stress in my life right now. I have those movies, and my place to clean up, bills to pay—there's not enough time in the day since we got back." But there was enough time to waste hours upon hours at Zach's apartment.

"And then this girl keeps texting me and, you know, I'm bad at time management," he shrugged. The mention of Olivia was mostly to reinforce how straight he was, but he doubted that Zach would even bat an eye. Figuring that he was staying, Chris grabbed himself a plate as well and got some chicken and potatoes so that their hard work wouldn't go to waste. "I'm a little offended that you think I have a problem with you being gay," he said, more than likely choosing the wrong thing to be honest about as he grabbed himself and Zach a fork from the drawer.

 

[Melia]

The more Chris rambled out excuses, the more Zach was convinced he'd struck a nerve, and that he'd been right that the blond was lying. He hummed in knowing agreement as he listened to Chris go on while he loaded his plate up with food. "Mm hmm, sure, mmhm, oh? a girl, huh?" Zach gave Chris a side-eyed glance as the other man stepped next to him, loading up his own plate, trying to gauge how serious he was about that. From the sounds of it, not very. Chris was a terrible liar, which was interesting considering acting was a form of professional lying. Still it was different.

Zach had to bite his tongue when Chris brought up being offended though. If you're so okay with me being gay, why are you afraid of being gay? He could stop the words but he couldn't stop the thought. It was silly really, because he really didn't know. And it was wrong to assume someone was if they hadn't personally addressed it. But he felt pretty sure that Chris was at least bicurious. And if perhaps he had had a bit more to drink, he might find it amusing to see just what Chris would do if he started heavily flirting with him. Which entirely went against what he'd promised earlier about not coming on to him. Still, Zach couldn't help but wonder just what Chris' reaction would be. It was tough being a respecting friend.

Instead, he addressed Chris' concern while he finished scooping potatoes onto his plate and moved to sit at the bar. "I'm sorry if it offended you. You just seemed very different after I said something. Not as laid back as you were on tour. I've lost the occasional friend. Luckily most have been accepting. I could potentially lose my career. I still want to come out in that regards on my own terms."

Zach took a bite of his food and continued after he'd chewed and swallowed, like the polite well-mannered boy his mother had raised. "I've seen you tired, and overwhelmed, and pulled in eighteen different directions, but you were still more chill around me than you've been all night. Just an observation. And a correlation."

 

[neptune]

Already aware that he was something of a miserable liar, Chris was nervous as Zach's words continued to pick and insist at a deeper meaning for his actions. With anyone else, the claim of being jet-lagged to all hell and stressed would have flown without a second thought, but the two men were so close that Chris knew his excuses weren't the least bit believable. Being gay, or bisexual, or any of the other identities Chris had toyed with over the years wasn't the issue between them and Zach would have been the perfect person to open up to if there weren't extra feelings involved. Losing his best friend, someone who had come to mean so much to him was worse than the hundreds of slur-filled lectures Chris had endured from his managers during the course of production on Star Trek.

"Look, you're not losing a friend," Chris said, frowning as he stood on the other side of the island and set his plate down. Harold had managed to sneak back into the room, but Chris's mind wasn't on feeding the cat whose paws were currently braced against his leg. "You being gay isn't weird for me. I already said that I thought you were way back when we first met and if I had a problem with it then, I wouldn't have hung around you." Briefly, Chris wondered if Zach happened to think the same thing about him.

Biting into one of the pieces of chicken, fried and not oven-fried lies, Chris attempted to stall for time as he chewed. "A correlation to what?" he asked, shaking his head. "I don't know what you're trying to say, but whatever it is, you're way off."

And then, Chris knew that Zach knew what he had been hiding for quite some time. That secret, the truth that the blond was so afraid of was already wedging itself between them. At some point, coming clean was going to look like the best option, but that moment wasn't it. He didn't want to overshadow Zach's step in the right direction with his own bumbling, confused words about where his attractions tended to lay—or that he had actually been insanely jealous of the lighting guy because just one, Chris wanted Zach to look at him the same way.

From the floor, Harold meowed at him, a sort of pushy and demanding sound that caught Chris's attention. He picked off a piece of golden-brown chicken skin and tossed it down to the cat when he thought that Zach wasn't looking.

 

[Melia]

Zach raised his hands placatingly. "I only meant a correlation between you being weird, and me coming out to you. That's all. And based on past experiences, when people started acting weird, it kind of went belly up. At least until they got used to the idea. That's all."

But that had happened before too. People saying they were okay with it but still actually being weird about it. He knew it was one of those things that could be hard to get used to though. When you had a certain perception of something, and it was suddenly the complete opposite than how you had perceived it, it could be hard to wrap one's head around the new idea. At least that was where he thought Chris was going with it.

While he didn't wear his emotions on his sleeve the way Chris did, Zach was still confused about the way Chris was acting. And he still wondered why. While it was obvious that what Chris said was a lie, he knew he couldn't assume why, but as far as Zach was concerned there were only two possible answers. Either Chris really wasn't okay as he said he was about Zach coming out, or he was struggling with it himself. Zach wanted to believe that Chris wouldn't lie about the first option, and he secretly hoped the second was true.

He wasn't going to push it though. Chris already probably felt like Zach was being pushy, even if that wasn't his intention, though he wasn't going to let Chris get away with such obvious lying either. He'd only meant to call him out on that, not anything else, but now he worried that Chris felt he'd been pushing for more.

"I saw that," Zach said instead, focusing the conversation back on the cat. He actually hadn't seen anything, but had trained his ears quite well to the rustle of clothes and the particular noises that Harold made when he was eating something. Not to mention the fact that that insistent meowing had suddenly ceased.

"For such an aloof cat, you'd think he'd be more behaved, but it's Noah that's actually the better behaved of the two." While Noah wasn't far away, and he still watched the pair of men eating with utmost attention, the dog made no move to beg and did no more than sniff the air and lick his chops occasionally.

 

[neptune]

Although Chris knew that his lies were completely terrible, he didn't think that he was acting weird. Many things had gone through his mind since hearing that Zach was gay, and that included an indescribable amount of hope that he may feel the same way, and that same hope being completely dashed when Zach mentioned never coming onto him. It was a lot to deal with, a lot to process for someone who was still struggling with himself on a daily basis and acting to cover up the truth was so much harder than memorizing lines from a script and playing pretend for a few months.

"I'm already used to it," Chris said, although he was happy to hear that Zach had chosen to drop the conversation. There were times in the past when Zach had really dug into him, gotten his hooks in and refused to relent about one thing or another before he got the full story. It was one of the other man's qualities that often left Chris questioning whether or not they were actually friends. These experiences, the uncomfortable bumps in their relationship always left Chris feeling rather raw and vulnerable, but not having to deal with that particular set of emotions after being semi-rejected was a blessing.

When all else failed, Harold was there to talk about. For the first time in the last twenty minutes, Chris finally smiled. He was glad that Zach saw him feeding the cat, and the black feline wasted no time in pawing at his leg for more. Unfortunately for Harold, who had already gotten his fair share of scraps that night, Chris didn't want to risk Zach's wrath for making his cat obese.

Glancing over to Noah, who had also been inching closer to the kitchen, Chris chuckled. "He's a good dog," he complimented, also wanting to feed Noah so that he didn't feel left out. "I wish I had time for pets, but..." he shrugged, "yours are good enough for now."

Eating usually produced some kind of silence between people, but Chris had never felt this awkward and quiet around Zach. Mostly, he was just counting down the minutes until he could leave and collect himself, walk home and try to get a handle on someone that would really never be his. Maybe he really was being weird, and Zach had every right to be worried, but he seemed to think their friendship was close to over anyway. Sadly, Chris started to wonder if it was for the best. "Anything else planned for tonight?" he asked, trying to stop all of the worst-case-scenario's swirling in his mind.

 

[Melia]

When Zach had called Chris the day before, while not exactly having any particular expectations, could honestly say that the entire day/evening felt like a failure. Though being on tour had been part of work, something about it had felt like vacation more than anything and being home seemed to be like crashing back to reality.

Any interactions with Chris that Zach might have imagined to have had a flirty nature must have been just that- imagined. His gut twisted at what felt like lost connections and a solid friendship slipping through his fingers. It was putting him in a bad mood. He wondered if he shouldn't have kept his mouth shut about the whole thing, though that had never really been his style.

The animals had become a security blanket for the evening more than anything else. Zach was aware of it, and he wondered if Chris was too. They provided a place to redirect their attention from deeper more personal thoughts and issues. More so Chris than Zach. He wanted to shout at the other man to stop hiding behind Harold and Noah. If anything because the added attention to them was going to give them digestion problems and Chris was lucky enough to be there to inflict the problems but not have to deal with the consequences. Zach, in the meantime, had to share a bed with a particularly gassy Harold. And if Chris even thought about shifting his attentions over to Noah, it would be even worse.

"I should let you just take them home with you so you can deal with the consequences of all the fried human food you're feeding them," he declared rather gruffly and continued eating. The food was remarkably delicious though, and even Zach had snuck more than a few of the fried pieces of chicken as well as the oven baked version. And Chris had mastered the mashed potatoes and Zach complimented him on a job well done.

"No other plans," Zach muttered with a shake of his head, "was there something you wanted to do?"

 

[neptune]

If asked, Chris definitely would have agreed that Noah and Harold had become a security blanket for him, topics of conversation to shift back to in order to avoid talking about anything uncomfortable. Everything had been fine before Zach had come out to him on the way back from the store, and Chris felt horrible for not being able to brush it off and continue on like nothing had happened. He didn't want to be weird around the other man, and he wanted to tell Zach how much he understood the fear that came with telling people, remind him that he wasn't alone if that was how he felt. Instead, Chris was totally useless and he had only managed to make Zach feel bad.

Maybe bad wasn't the correct word for it. Judging by the other man's posture, and the mumbled tone to his voice, Chris guessed that he had made Zach rather angry. There was nothing that he could really do about, either, besides telling the truth and that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. "If I took them home, I wouldn't be the fun parent anymore," he said, but there was no humor to it, no smile or laugh that normally would have come from their hypothetical situations. Chris just wanted to leave and get the slow decline of their friendship started before he fucked something else up.

When asked if he wanted to do anything else that night, Chris shook his head. After finishing off another piece of chicken, Chris set the bones down on his plate and shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing special," he said, "I just thought I should get going soon and work on that stack of mail before I actually get kicked out." His excuses were just getting more lame, but Chris didn't think that mattered when Zach was upset with him. If anything, he was surprised he hadn't been asked to leave yet.

"I'll help you do the dishes, though." Because that was polite and Chris hadn't been raised in a barn where he dined and dashed without lifting a finger.

 

[Melia]

The logical side of Zach told him not to take it personally that Chris seemed to be hiding something from him. That it was Chris' problem and not his own problem. But the human side of him did take it personally. The side of him that wanted to be a more important person in Chris' life. The side of him that had thought that he had had a more special bond with Chris than anyone else. He realized that he really wanted Chris to feel comfortable talking with him, sharing deeper fears or feelings or dreams. Instead he was obviously hiding them away. Zach was beginning to feel a childish pettiness boiling up inside of him that was not wont to be contained any longer.

The more Chris lamented on with his excuses the more angry it made him. Chris knew that Zach knew he was lying and yet he continued on with it. The brunette couldn't explain exactly why but it hurt. With wounded pride, he set the other man with a hard stare and replied cooly, "Actually, I'd rather if you just left now, please. I'll do the dishes myself, thanks."

This was probably what made people feel intimidated by him. His anger showed. Especially when he was frustrated. It probably meant that Chris was going to be afraid to approach him in the future, but at the moment he couldn't care less, because in the end, Zach had opened up and revealed a vulnerable part of himself to Chris tonight, and it was met with lies, excuses and skirting around the truth. He'd made multiple attempts to make the evening feel more comfortable but it wasn't. He'd tried to tell Chris how much he enjoyed his company and even given him a few rare compliments.

He'd lost his appetite completely and stood up, brushing past Chris to dump his food in the trash, noisily scraping his plate with his fork and moving with a certain deliberateness that clearly said that he didn't need any help.

 

[neptune]

For some reason, Chris hadn't thought that Zach was actually going to ask him to go, but when it happened, those words hit him like a ton of bricks. Chris felt an uncomfortable tightness in his chest, a tingling, nervous feeling under his skin that felt like he was blushing, very much ashamed of himself and worried that this would be the last time they saw one another as friends. For a moment, Chris struggled for something to say, his mouth opening and closing like a fish stuck on a sandbar at low tide and, god, did he ever feel stupid. Finally, Chris closed his mouth and swallowed hard, having to physically move out of the way as Zach brushed past him.

There was nothing else to say, and Chris wasn't going to launch into the truth that had plagued him for years—not that Zach would have ever cared at the moment. Leaving the kitchen, Chris kept his head up and walked toward the door with Noah following along behind him. He paused before he left and gave the dog a pet on the head, and his ears one last ruffle before quietly letting himself out.

The hallway felt so final, and the door that closed behind him now seemed like an impenetrable barrier that would forever keep him away from Zach. For a few long moment, closer to ten minutes than five, Chris stayed by the door in attempt to force himself to knock and tell Zach what was going on, or at least apologize. Shame and fear continued to keep him in check and in the end, the blond chose to walk away; Zach had told him to leave, and Chris doubted that he would ever be able to change the other man's mind now that it had been made up. The end of their friendship had already come and gone, and although Chris hadn't been forced to flounder in the slow decline, he was still completely gutted.

The streets of Silver Lake were still very much alive in the short time it took Chris to reach his apartment, but all he wanted to do was hide away. Entering, he flicked on the overhead light switch by the door and suddenly became fully aware of how quiet everything was around him. There was no joy to anything in his place, no happiness inside of him that could even make the best of a bad situation. The only distraction from how badly he wanted to break down was bills—the giant stack of mail that was sitting on his counter. Sighing heavily, Chris grabbed the heavy pile and brought it over to the couch that had spent the last day and a half on, sinking down into the cushions and wishing he had just stayed asleep.

After sorting the real mail from the junk, paying every bill he came across and making himself a strong drink, there was nothing left to do. The night had continued on and although it was late enough to sleep, Chris was wide awake. Once again, the silence began to creep back in and Chris took a long swallow of from the glass in his hand, now more ice than tequila. Kicking his feet up onto the coffee table, the blond sat with his phone in his hand and stared down at certain text conversation that had never been deleted. Almost everyone's messages were cleaned out of his inbox at some point, but Chris still had every exchange with Zach.

[TEXT]
I'm sorry. I'm a dick.

That wasn't good enough, and Chris backspaced until the message was gone entirely.

[TEXT]
I don't care that you're gay. I'm glad you're gay!

Stupid.

[TEXT]
I'm gay too.

Absolutely not.

[TEXT]
I only lied because I'm hopelessly into you and I didn't want that to ruin our friendship because I'm not your type but wow, look, it's completely fucked anyway!

A little better, but not quite. Finishing off his drink, Chris exhaled sharply and stared down at his phone, as if this was the most important text that he would ever send. Even if Zach never replied, even if he was told to go fuck himself, no one would be able to say that he hadn't tried.

[TEXT]
I didn't mean it before. I'd never make you get in line.

The trouble stemmed from that comment, when the entire conversation had gone down hill and Chris had wanted to punch himself in the face. He was sorry for it, and he hoped that Zach understood that. Finally, he hit send and left the rest to fate. If the universe wanted to smile down on him, he was all the more ready to accept and if nothing happened, if nothing changed and in the morning he was still minus a best friend, the option of throwing himself into work was always there to ward off depression brought on by a smashed up heart.

 

[Melia]

It was hard not to be a bit huffy after Chris left. Especially without anything such as an apology. The cupboards slammed a bit louder than usual and the dishes clanked more firmly as he finished cleaning the kitchen. Not usually one to let food go to waste, Zach dumped dumped the contents of the meal in the trash, struggling with rational thought at the moment as anger bubbled under his otherwise mostly calm demeanor. Noah and Harold picked up on it though, and cleared out of the way.

If there was one thing that bothered Zach more than anything else it was lies and deceit. Especially coming from someone that he really genuinely liked and cared about. Especially when it was clear that he was hiding something. Especially when he'd been called out on it and especially then continued to deny it. That made Zach want to punch walls. Not to mention his ego was considerably bruised by the fact that he was somehow deemed untrustworthy in Chris' eyes. He would have a hard time admitting to the bruised ego though, even if deep down he recognized that was really where his anger was stemming from.

He'd sat back down on the couch and was trying to get through more of the Heroes script, though he was having a tough time concentrating on his work and to top it off, his phone buzzed annoyingly. He ignored it until the second reminder buzz and then checked it and moaned lowly after reading it.

"What does that even mean??" He queried the empty room in general. He knew what it meant though. It meant that Chris was far more sensitive than he was showing himself to be. And now Zach felt like an ass. "You want me to be your roommate? Or you're in love with me??" Chris could be so cryptic sometimes. Though to a fault, so could Zach, guilty of being a bit cryptic himself. But he was quite done with code and so instead of replying he hit the call button. At the back of his mind, the idea of Chris being in love with him excited him. And if that suspicion was right... well... he couldn't even think about that. It was a dangerous idea to entertain. He didn't want to feel let down when he was wrong.

 

[neptune]

The lack of immediate response was hardly surprising, and Chris hadn't really been expecting one at all. Trying, either for the sake of itself or for more selfish reasons, meant having to retain a certain degree of patience and Chris knew that Zach could hold a grudge like nobody's business. He had never expected to be on the receiving end of such anger, though.

Instead of sitting around and making himself crazy, Chris left his phone to sit on the coffee table and moved over to the suitcases and bags that were still by the door. He had yet to unpack anything, the same way he had yet to do laundry and up until a few minutes ago, pay his bills. Digging through a tan-colored carry on bag, the blond man finally found what he was looking for. Once upon a time, a therapist who wasn't his own mother told him that journaling may help to gather his scattered thoughts and put things into perspective. For someone who was always thinking and worried about something, the act or writing had been a godsend. If he was losing his best friend, it needed to be recorded.

After turning off the lights inside, Chris snuck out to his rarely used balcony and parked himself at the patio set with his journal and a pen stuck between his teeth as he thumbed to a blank page. The last thing that Chris had written came from a very long layover in New York where Zach had been in a rather quiet mood and found entertainment in a book rather than human contact. Chris recalled finding a quiet spot by an empty kiosk as he read over the words on the page. Written in ink was a desperate need to return to familiarity along with a quiet fear that everything with Zach would change now that the press tour was over.

Keeping the pen cap between his teeth, Chris gave the plastic body a tug and began to write. Being able to get everything out on paper really was relaxing, and as he filled a second page with his thoughts on love and loss, he nearly missed the sound of a default ring tone from the living room. Initially, Chris thought to let the call go to voicemail, especially now that he had reached that sweet spot in his writing where everything was clear and concise, and his hand had yet to cramp up. Hesitating just a second longer, Chris forced himself back inside to answer the call.

What kind of crazy person responded to a text by calling?

"Hello?" he answered with a bit of hesitation. Hearing from Zach at all was unexpected, but it was even more surprising to find that the other man wanted to talk to him so soon. Chris just hoped he wasn't going to be chewed out.

 

[Melia]

"What does that even mean?" Zach repeated into his phone, no longer to an empty room but to the very person who had sent it. "Tell me what that means, Chris." He wasn't angry. Not anymore anyway. His voice had taken on a tender tone that was genuine. He wasn't joking around anymore. There was no humorous or sarcastic edge to his voice. This was one hundred percent serious Zach who had made an appearance earlier in the night with genuine compliments to Chris, which Zach felt a little embarrassed about now, seeing as how the rest of the night had gone done. He'd exposed himself a little too much perhaps, only to be met with lies.

Though Zach could be cryptic in his humor at times, directness was more his style, and he never let his crypticness go on for too long. Catching the more sensitive side to Chris, and hearing the hesitation in his voice when he'd answered the phone made Zach sure that he would get to the bottom of this by the end of the night.