People Suck

[Dervish]

Well, here is hoping that I have one among them. I'm genuinely worried that I distanced myself away from them too much for them to truly have a reason to care about me in that way. Part of the reason I even started pushing for this is because I felt so distant from everyone. I thought if I was more genuine about my values, feelings, and sense of self, that would let me get closer to my friends. That was true in a lot of cases, and I even got to meet back up with an old high school friend. I'm really hoping that now that I'm being more genuine, that it will translate to more meaningful friendships.

And I believe it will. :)

A handful of genuine, heartfelt friendships is worth more than dozens of familiar ones.

 

[☆Luna☆]

And I believe it will. :)

A handful of genuine, heartfelt friendships is worth more than dozens of familiar ones.

Thanks. But could I ask you... Is it helpful for me to consider the feelings of people who feel uncomfortable around me?

Really the last thing I want is to try to make this name thing too important. The name is about being called by the name I want to be called, but more than that it was just supposed to be a starting place. I'm really unsure where I'm heading from this point, but I know that I don't want to keep trying to be someone I'm not. I thought that switching names now would be for the best, but now it has made me extremely hard to approach for the reasons you mentioned. This stuff isn't something that can be understood very easily. I'm living it, and confused, so I extend a lot of sympathy to people who similarly don't understand. If I could just get to a point where I felt respected, that would be more than enough for me. Right now, I feel like people associate a lot of things that I did just because it fit the mood to what kind of person I'm like, and I wanted to make a clear transition from that. Is it worth considering other ways to mark this transition besides the name I want to be called?

 

[Dervish]

Thanks. But could I ask you... Is it helpful for me to consider the feelings of people who feel uncomfortable around me?

Really the last thing I want is to try to make this name thing too important. The name is about being called by the name I want to be called, but more than that it was just supposed to be a starting place. I'm really unsure where I'm heading from this point, but I know that I don't want to keep trying to be someone I'm not. I thought that switching names now would be for the best, but now it has made me extremely hard to approach for the reasons you mentioned. This stuff isn't something that can be understood very easily. I'm living it, and confused, so I extend a lot of sympathy to people who similarly don't understand. If I could just get to a point where I felt respected, that would be more than enough for me. Right now, I feel like people associate a lot of things that I did just because it fit the mood to what kind of person I'm like, and I wanted to make a clear transition from that. Is it worth considering other ways to mark this transition besides the name I want to be called?

It is very helpful to consider other people's feelings in this. Like I said, it might be a bit weird at first, even if their intentions and thoughts are positive.

I'd say just ease them into it, and talk to the people you're friends with about it and explain where you're coming from, that way it really makes it easy for everyone all around, and I think you'll find a lot more support that way. A bit of education goes a long way, trust me. Most people who are hardline opposed to anything have never really been exposed to the other point of view, and if people have an open mind, you can accomplish quite a bit!

Respect, like most things, is a two way street. You understand and acknowledge that this might be weird for someone going into it, that's HUGE. One thing you could do is try to play devil's advocate with yourself and try asking yourself everything you think people would ask you, and that will give you some insight of how to respond. It's also day two; it's very fresh for people. As long as you respect that some people may never call you Luna and you don't try to get combative or demanding, I think it'll go a lot smoother. As soon as you get a few people to call you it regularly, it'll start to pick up traction at stick.

And definitely, set goals and find out what's comfortable for you to become who you want to be. Thing is, people are always going to be a dick if they are dealing with someone who doesn't meet the social norms or what's cool. Those people are a lost cause and the best you can really do is work out a live and let live state with them, but others who you can be social with? That can be something you work out with them. A thing that helps is to find common interests with people and build a repertoire. Half the battle, I think, is to show people you're still a regular person. But unlike the name thing, don't be afraid to dress and express yourself for how you want to be, because it's who you are and you're putting it all out there right away. If people are still happy to socialize with you, that's perfect! It'll make the transition easier. If people aren't going to accept you for looking different, then it's kind of a lost cause there, and like I said, it's only a few years at most. Blink and you miss it kind of thing.

One thing to keep in mind is some activities kinda need gender appropriate clothing, like gym class, or anything with formal dress like band. Basically where your style takes a back seat to practicality.

Other than that, I think you're just kind of hitting the early stages of culture shock with people, for lack of better term. What matters most is you know who YOU are, what society calls you isn't going to take that away from you.

 

[Koschei]

There are some excellent arguments presented already, but I just feel the need to add this.

Don't confuse respect with letting people get away with harassment. The people in question might have a hard time understanding what is going on and they might not accept it at first, but purposely not calling you by the name you've requested is a form of harassment. It's very commonly seen in the transgender community and people who are just starting out their transition, but even if that's not what you're currently doing, the basics are the same. If they don't respect your identity and your choices, and continue using names and pronouns and such even after you told them not to, then what they're doing isn't just rude.

I'm not trying to assume anything, but I feel that it needs saying. Respect and understanding can go a long way, but so does standing by your desicions. Unless you find yourself in danger of bodily harm or other unpleasant situations, it might be possible to be more forceful about your change of name. And if you've tried to make them understand but they still refuse, my advice is to leave them be and find other people who respect you and your choices. It sounds harsh, but relationships like those your described can quickly turn negative if they're not ready or willing to change.

But honestly, think about your own well-being and your safety above all. That's what's important, you, not some group of people and their opinions on your identity. Do what you feel comfortable doing, because a bunch of people on the internet can't judge the situation better than you can. You're in the middle of it, as it is.

But I wish you the best of luck, love.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I agree with the majority of advice already given, but like Koschei there's some stuff I want to chime in with as well.

Though before I start I will disclaim that the following advice is made under the assumption that you're comfortable (or at least prepared) with the risk of having an amount of time where IRL friendships and social interactions are rather low. So if you're the kind of person who requires IRL friendships to get through the day, then you're probably better off just following Dervish's advice to the letter.

So with that being said, in my mind friend's (at least close friends) are meant to be people that you are comfortable with, and open with.
If these are people where you need to step on eggshells to avoid being treated badly, or to gain the 'privilege' to be given human respect than they simply are not your friends.
If I were in your position, I would consider this a great learning opportunity to learn more about the people who you choose to hangout with.

Now, Kaga brought up a great point where their reactions could just be confusion and not hatred or bigotry.
So I would personally advise the first order of business to be to question them about it, see if you can figure out why they think that.
Start with your closest's friends (those who have the smallest risk of lashing back at you), and move forward from there.

Alternatively

Alternatively start with the friends you're least likely to care about losing and move up.
The reason I suggest closer friends first is because of the smaller risk of lashing back and that they could act as support for you later on with the less close friends.
But if you're deeply concerned about scaring off your closest friends, then switch the order around and use the least close friends as 'guinea pigs' for the lack of a better term.

Don't wait for your friends to take the Initiative, because they most likely won't for one of two reasons:

1) If they are just confused by it then it's probably something they forgot about completely after waking up the next day.
2) If they're being a bigot, they probably see it as "sinful" territory and refuse to step over in it as a result.

Remember to question them about this civil like and respectfully though, if you start it as some sort of crusade or interrogation then they're going to get defensive/hostile just by default as a reaction to the tone you set for it.

But once you have your information use that to decide who is a lost cause and should be dropped (either just with the name thing or as a friend all together, up to you) and who you should focus on explaining your own personal reasons for wanting to be called Luna to. This way you're not only helping your friends better accept you, but you get to try to iron out future problems before they become a bigger thing down the line.

However, regardless of the results I would still advise against trying to change your name to Luna in regards to school staff.
That leaves the territory of friends changing what they call you and enters legal territory, where trying to change your name culturally in that aspect is only going to slow things down and sow confusion with all the different staff you'll be interacting with. You should look at changing your name to Luna legally to able to handle that part.

Lastly, some others here have mentioned how school is only temporary so that maybe you're best off holding out until you get out.
I would however argue the opposite, school is only going to be a small part of your life. So why should you try to negotiate your own self respect and confidence for it?
Why take the hit to your self esteem that you'd only need to build up again once out of school? Your self image and confidence will follow you for life, your school life will only follow you as long as you're in the school though.

 

[Kagayours]

I'm with Kaga on this one, it may not necessarily be that they're being discriminatory or hateful, it's just very odd to call somebody by a name that isn't their given name, especially if it's not associated with your birth gender. If, for example, I was going to school with somebody who was clearly a male and wasn't clearly transgendered, I'd be a bit dumbfounded if he told me his name was Susan, even though the administration calls him Anthony. I consider myself a very open minded individual, but I don't know any transgendered/ binary people in real life, although I know numerous people online who identify that way, but I think I would have a really big disconnect between somebody's gender identity and what they physically are. Not because I personally think it's wrong or weird, it's just so outside my personal experience it's hard to really wrap my head around it.

Yes. This. Definitely this.

While I am LGBT supportive, meeting transgender people in real life is a very different experience from meeting them online. Online, especially if you don't see any pictures of anyone, everyone is just whatever gender they say they are, so it's easy to just accept someone as a trans individual without there being any sort of weird disconnect in your brain that makes it difficult to accept.

For example, I once met a transgender woman who didn't have any physical female attributes or clothing, so there was nothing that made my mind say "female" upon first seeing her. I just assumed she was a guy and therefore thought of her as such instinctively. So when she introduced herself as "Serena" I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow and ask "Really?" (not only because it was a feminine name but also definitely sounded made-up), and I believe she said something along the lines of "Well it's not my legal name, but... it's what I like to be called..." rather shyly. Noting her shyness I decided not to question it further, though I did think it was a bit odd.

It was only later that I heard other people calling her a "she", and then noticed that she had some other subtle female mannerisms and ways of speaking and then I was like "Ohhhhhhhh" and felt a bit bad about giving her that strange look before. Even after figuring it out, though, I still had a hard time remembering to call her a "she" because, despite the fact that I consciously knew she identified as female, there's still a good chunk of my brain that thought "male" every time I looked at her, just based off of past experiences. I wanted to call her a "she" but there was still a more instinctual part of my brain that disagreed, which was precisely why I originally thought it was odd that she wanted to be called "Serena" because, even though I consider myself to be LGBT-supportive, there was no giant sign above her that said "I AM TRANS; PLEASE RESPECT MY WISHES" and therefore my immediate assumption that she was male stuck with me even after I consciously knew better.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I won't discount other's personal experiences with transgender people, I can image it being a confusing concept for some.
Though for me personally I've met two three transgendered people (one of them helped me with mtg actually) and another identified as Zey.

So it's a concept that I'm used too.
Just felt I should say that in case all these "I found it really odd" comments starts to give the impression of that it's everyone's reaction.
But also note that for one of my college semesters I did frequent the Pride Club, so that probably has a big role to play in it.

 

[Koschei]

Okay, just a general rule of thumb when talking about transgender people, don't say "transgendered". You wouldn't say "gayed" or "femaled" like it's something that just happens to people, like suddenly they woke up and they had been "gayed" or something. Lots of trans individuals take offense too, so to avoid embarrassing situations, drop the "ed".

Otherwise I agree with most of what this thread has been talking about.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Okay, just a general rule of thumb when talking about transgender people, don't say "transgendered". You wouldn't say "gayed" or "femaled" like it's something that just happens to people, like suddenly they woke up and they had been "gayed" or something. Lots of trans individuals take offense too, so to avoid embarrassing situations, drop the "ed".

Otherwise I agree with most of what this thread has been talking about.

Woops.

I didn't even think about it that way... :/
I'm surprised no one in the Pride Club mentioned it being honest.

 

[Isho13]

I know it's not the same, but I suggest you do the same a friend of mine did when she wanted a different nickname. Inform people, yes, inform them what your preferred name is, instead of kindly asking them to call you that way. Then, if they call you any different, ignore them, since they aren't calling you by your name, they obviously aren't referring to you, right?

It worked for my friend to change her nickname, and it worked for me to switch names too. I know it's not the same situation, but it could work for you in the long run.

 

[Koschei]

Woops.

I didn't even think about it that way... :/
I'm surprised no one in the Pride Club mentioned it being honest.

It's okay to mess up now and then, and to be honest it's a really common mistake too, I've seen it in newspapers and all kinds of places, not just forums and blogs. So, since the trans community doesn't like it, it should be avoided.

But as long as people correct their mistakes, without making a fuss and move on, it isn't that big of a deal. As long as it doesn't repeat itself.

 

[Kagayours]

Okay, just a general rule of thumb when talking about transgender people, don't say "transgendered". You wouldn't say "gayed" or "femaled" like it's something that just happens to people, like suddenly they woke up and they had been "gayed" or something. Lots of trans individuals take offense too, so to avoid embarrassing situations, drop the "ed".

Otherwise I agree with most of what this thread has been talking about.

Oh, thanks. Didn't know it was frowned upon -- I honestly just thought that was the correct term for some reason.

 

[☆Luna☆]

Well. I read everything here, and while I'd like to respond to everyone, particularly mentioning how it influenced me, I have lots to study for, so I'll just keep things brief and just say how I ended up handling this.

As much as I am a fan of people respecting me, really I only have an interest in the respect of people who happen to interact with me. I think I'm going to keep a lot of the conversation on what to call me to people whose respect I desire in the interests of being able to work with other people. I can just go by my last name or something.

Rather than make a direct confrontation with the people who are pretending I don't exist, I'm just going to do what I do. Be friendly in the face of illogical choices, isolation, and discrimination. It is a lot easier to think of them as being silly than it is treating the problem seriously, so I'm not going to let their choices affect mine. If they open up to the point that they are willing to talk to me, then that is the point I will ask them why they have an issue with it. I'm deciding this because I've never been good at dealing with hostile audiences and I have a bad habit of compromising what I actually believe is right when I don't stop to think about things.

A legal name change is a wonderful idea, and something that I would absolutely like to do, but simultaneously, like dressing up, is not currently feasible. I'm a dependent of parents who think this is a bad idea, and until I can actually support myself, I don't feel like making them upset. Part of relying on others means playing by their rules, so I guess this is just a necessary evil. Right now I'm more or less trying to retrain some habits. I'm trying to take better care of my hair since it isn't going to be short and ignorible, and just my body in general.

So in summary, I'm changing me, not them, because changing them is the same problem as them trying to change me. But, joke is on them because I'm gonna be happy. If they want to be happy with me, then I'll do what needs to be done to make that happen.

 

[Kestrel]

That's pretty odd. I mean as I read this you're not on the adjective police and Luna is a simple to say two-syllable name. I don't see the big deal. Or maybe I do understand it but just don't care for that kinda thinking.

I'm probably oversimplifying this, but seriously. When I'm reading this thread I'm just thinking, yo, Luna, wanna play some smash? And then there's this stupid joke about playing Rosalina and...