People Suck

[☆Luna☆]

So, it is now the second day back at school, and I've basically given up on going by Luna. Not only does basically nobody call me it, but I've gotten nothing but awkward stares for even asking to be called by another name. A few were even bold enough to say that they will not call me that name. As much as I don't want to present myself in a false light, and as much as I should be able to make such a request, it looks like that isn't possible. It is kinda a harsh reality, to realize that in today's world, simply wanting to be called the name that you want to be called is a reason for people to reverse a positive perspective of someone.

I kinda find it funny trying to vocalize it. "Yeah that person is a lot of fun, we have the same interests, we've hung out on a few occasions, he helped me get a better grade on that test, and he seems to have a positive outlook on life, but he wants to be called something I don't agree with, so I shouldn't have to recognize him as a person." I'm really just astonished at how fragile we are. If people are so fragile that they cannot get along with people holding such a minor difference of opinion, maybe they are better off being lied to. Stupid, uncompromising, self-consumed, arrogant, egocentric assholes...

Ok... Rant mode over.

 

[LogicfromLogic]

I know how hard things can get for someone in the non binary community. It's hard to deal with, and painful. But you know who you are. Refuse to go by another name than Luna until they get it right. When they talk to you, make yourself clear to them that this is who you are and they shouldn't try to change you. If they do, remember that you are a privilege in someone's life, not a right. If someone outwardly disrespects you, they do not deserve to know you then. Accidents however do happen.

It does get better.

 

[☆Luna☆]

I know how hard things can get for someone in the non binary community. It's hard to deal with, and painful. But you know who you are. Refuse to go by another name than Luna until they get it right. When they talk to you, make yourself clear to them that this is who you are and they shouldn't try to change you. If they do, remember that you are a privilege in someone's life, not a right. If someone outwardly disrespects you, they do not deserve to know you then. Accidents however do happen.

It does get better.

I think it gets worse. At least I'm not asking these people for a job.

 

[LogicfromLogic]

It feels like that right now. I get it, I'm a gender fluid person that struggles still but there are groups that i reach out to on Facebook or outside. It's going to be hard, and frankly there are people in this world that I wonder how in the seven hell's they managed to survive kindergarten, but people like that aren't even worth the second glance. I can only give you the best advice I have and the best words of comfort that I can, my inbox is always open if you need it. I can understand how frustrating dealing with people who just don't understand. Are there any GLBTQ groups in your area?

 

[☆Luna☆]

It feels like that right now. I get it, I'm a gender fluid person that struggles still but there are groups that i reach out to on Facebook or outside. It's going to be hard, and frankly there are people in this world that I wonder how in the seven hell's they managed to survive kindergarten, but people like that aren't even worth the second glance. I can only give you the best advice I have and the best words of comfort that I can, my inbox is always open if you need it. I can understand how frustrating dealing with people who just don't understand. Are there any GLBTQ groups in your area?

To be honest, I've not done much looking in that area. I'm sure they exist. Have you had some good experiences with them?

 

[LogicfromLogic]

Personally yes I have on many occasions some I haven't. If I haven't done well, I open up a group myself to open up a more accepting group. It is worth a shot.

 

[☆Luna☆]

Personally yes I have on many occasions some I haven't. If I haven't done well, I open up a group myself to open up a more accepting group. It is worth a shot.

Well, being accepted is lovely, but I'm far more worried about the sheer number of people shutting me out. I'm going into business, and I want to be able to work with groups, and for employers to want to hire me. I feel like insisting to be acknowledged like this just makes people want to have nothing to do with me. And this is all over a name. I don't know how to tell them that I also intend to start maintaining my appearance differently.

 

[Saito Hajime]

Yeah, people suck. As someone that's been discriminated against for a variety of reasons (not trying to compare my experience to yours, just trying to sympathise), I feel for you there.

If you don't mind me asking, how exactly did you ask them to start referring to you differently? No matter how you did it, it doesn't justify such treatment, but I just feel a little curious.

 

[☆Luna☆]

Yeah, people suck. As someone that's been discriminated against for a variety of reasons (not trying to compare my experience to yours, just trying to sympathise), I feel for you there.

If you don't mind me asking, how exactly did you ask them to start referring to you differently? No matter how you did it, it doesn't justify such treatment, but I just feel a little curious.

They'd call me by my name, and then I'd say, "Oh, ummmm, actually I'm going by Luna now."

 

[Kagayours]

They'd call me by my name, and then I'd say, "Oh, ummmm, actually I'm going by Luna now."

This makes me curious: have you also made it clear why you want to be referred to by that name? Specifically, have you also asked to be referred to as a "she"?

It sounds to me like the classmates you're describing are transphobic, but, based on what you've said so far in this thread, I haven't seen anything to indicate that they even know that about you -- only that they reacted negatively to you saying you wanted a certain name.

It's possible many of them haven't even put two and two together yet and just thought it was weird that you wanted to be known by some sort of made-up name, without realizing that it meant so much to your identity.

Of course it's possible I got that completely wrong -- I don't know the whole story -- hence why I was asking.

 

[☆Luna☆]

This makes me curious: have you also made it clear why you want to be referred to by that name? Specifically, have you also asked to be referred to as a "she"?

It sounds to me like the classmates you're describing are transphobic, but, based on what you've said so far in this thread, I haven't seen anything to indicate that they even know that about you -- only that they reacted negatively to you saying you wanted a certain name.

It's possible many of them haven't even put two and two together yet and just thought it was weird that you wanted to be known by some sort of made-up name, without realizing that it meant so much to your identity.

Of course it's possible I got that completely wrong -- I don't know the whole story -- hence why I was asking.

Don't worry, I don't bite for just asking questions.

I've actually never asked to be called a she. While I frequently address myself that way online, I'm equally comfortable with being addressed as either. I'm fine with being thought of as a girl or a guy. The only place they have seen this name before is from when I play Smash Bros with them. I always used it as my name tag, but nobody really thought anything of it. I can see how it is possible they thought that I just randomly wanted to be called a different name without a good reason, but even if that is the case, I think that is a pretty dangerous thing to just assume, especially across almost an entire group.

 

[Kagayours]

Don't worry, I don't bite for just asking questions.

I've actually never asked to be called a she. While I frequently address myself that way online, I'm equally comfortable with being addressed as either. I'm fine with being thought of as a girl or a guy. The only place they have seen this name before is from when I play Smash Bros with them. I always used it as my name tag, but nobody really thought anything of it. I can see how it is possible they thought that I just randomly wanted to be called a different name without a good reason, but even if that is the case, I think that is a pretty dangerous thing to just assume, especially across almost an entire group.

Once again, I said I could be wrong -- I just couldn't help but think that it might apply to at least some of the people who reacted negatively. And, if that is the case for any of them, I almost feel like I can't blame them. If they don't understand why you want to be called that name, then them thinking it's weird and not wanting to respect it almost feels like a natural response -- at which point, it's not a matter of prejudice, merely ignorance.

I would recommend asserting that you want to be called a she, but I'm not sure if that would make things better or worse, depending on whether or not the majority of your classmates are actually transphobic and not just ignorant of the situation. At the very least, though, it would clear up why they might take issue with it.

Perhaps, for a safer approach, you could just try asking some of them why they won't agree to call you that?

 

[Saito Hajime]

If I were to make a suggestion, I would say that you should take your friends aside (real friends, not just "that guy/girl I sometimes chat with") and try to explain where you're coming from. If they actually care for you, they might understand and be cool with it.

That said, the cynic in me would expect it to just end up being worse, so feel free to ignore this.

 

[☆Luna☆]

Once again, I said I could be wrong -- I just couldn't help but think that it might apply to at least some of the people who reacted negatively. And, if that is the case for any of them, I almost feel like I can't blame them. If they don't understand why you want to be called that name, then them thinking it's weird and not wanting to respect it almost feels like a natural response -- at which point, it's not a matter of prejudice, merely ignorance.

I would recommend asserting that you want to be called a she, but I'm not sure if that would make things better or worse, depending on whether or not the majority of your classmates are actually transphobic and not just ignorant of the situation. At the very least, though, it would clear up why they might take issue with it.

Perhaps, for a safer approach, you could just try asking some of them why they won't agree to call you that?

I didn't try asking, primarily because of the extreme finality and disinterest they displayed. While I genuinely wonder why they feel so strongly about it, I'm a bit worried about reopening old wounds. If anything was made clear by that interaction, they wanted me to understand that what I requested was unacceptable.

 

[Kagayours]

I didn't try asking, primarily because of the extreme finality and disinterest they displayed. While I genuinely wonder why they feel so strongly about it, I'm a bit worried about reopening old wounds. If anything was made clear by that interaction, they wanted me to understand that what I requested was unacceptable.

I still feel like it might have only been "unacceptable" just because they didn't understand what you were actually asking for.

But like that's just my thought on it. I suppose it's not worth the trouble if you find it too uncomfortable...

 

[☆Luna☆]

If I were to make a suggestion, I would say that you should take your friends aside (real friends, not just "that guy/girl I sometimes chat with") and try to explain where you're coming from. If they actually care for you, they might understand and be cool with it.

That said, the cynic in me would expect it to just end up being worse, so feel free to ignore this.

At this point, I just want someone to take the initiative and ask me. If a simple request evokes such a reaction, I'd rather not tempt fate and request them to explain themselves. At least if they ask me, they can't feel like I forced anything on them.

 

[Dervish]

I'm with Kaga on this one, it may not necessarily be that they're being discriminatory or hateful, it's just very odd to call somebody by a name that isn't their given name, especially if it's not associated with your birth gender. If, for example, I was going to school with somebody who was clearly a male and wasn't clearly transgendered, I'd be a bit dumbfounded if he told me his name was Susan, even though the administration calls him Anthony. I consider myself a very open minded individual, but I don't know any transgendered/ binary people in real life, although I know numerous people online who identify that way, but I think I would have a really big disconnect between somebody's gender identity and what they physically are. Not because I personally think it's wrong or weird, it's just so outside my personal experience it's hard to really wrap my head around it.

And that's speaking as somebody who, once again, is very accepting and understanding. Now imagine what it's like for most of your school who may not be involved in the LGBT circles or even be really aware of it. Even if they're accepting of your gender identity, there's still a big disconnect between what you address yourself as and how you're officially known. I think in a way it's kind of like if you met your online friends and there's that kind of awkward association because, for me at least, I'd have a hard time calling BonerSlingX by that name if I met him in person when his real name is Bob. Likewise, I've had a few instances of people calling me my screen names in person and it just felt weird. In your particular case where Luna is a name you want to go by, it would be a huge adjustment I'd just have to convince myself it was a nickname as opposed to your actual name because whatever you're generally known as is the name I'd be compelled to go by. It would take a lot of practice and mental reinforcement to remind myself that you wish to be called Luna.

Honestly, with school, it may go against who you view yourself as, but it would probably be best just to go with your birth name. It doesn't mean that if you see yourself as feminine you have to act against that, but a name is a powerful thing, and until it's something you can legally change, you're constantly going to be having to correct people and explain your reasons why. It is going to be exhausting. It doesn't mean people suck, it just means that people are going to want to call you whatever the PA system calls you and what's read off the attendance sheet. You're still in school; everyone's pretty young and their life experiences are pretty limited. It sucks, but you're really fighting against the grain for what's a social norm. While you are dealing with an emotional identity issue amongst your peers, in a way, it's not unlike kids who don't fit in the popular groups. Coming from a kid who hung out with the Goth kids in high school without being one, they had a hell of a time having their social identity being respected, as well as a lot of them their sexuality. You might feel utterly alone, but you aren't. A lot of people don't feel like they are accepted for who they want to be. And you know something? Those fringe and outcast kids can often end up making some of the most loving and supportive social groups in that environment.

School's such a short, temporary time in your life, try not to worry too much! Afterwards, you start to get a lot more control over your life and your identity and you aren't forced into an social environment that, let's be honest, is pretty miserable for a lot of people. You know who you are, and so do your friends. That's what matters most. Bullies and dicks don't really follow you outside of that, and people start to get a lot more mature. Hang in there! It's a temporary irritation that is a relatively short period on the front quarter of your life. Life is so much more expansive afterwards, and you can really fit into who you want to be. It does get better.

 

[☆Luna☆]

I'm with Kaga on this one, it may not necessarily be that they're being discriminatory or hateful, it's just very odd to call somebody by a name that isn't their given name, especially if it's not associated with your birth gender. If, for example, I was going to school with somebody who was clearly a male and wasn't clearly transgendered, I'd be a bit dumbfounded if he told me his name was Susan, even though the administration calls him Anthony. I consider myself a very open minded individual, but I don't know any transgendered/ binary people in real life, although I know numerous people online who identify that way, but I think I would have a really big disconnect between somebody's gender identity and what they physically are. Not because I personally think it's wrong or weird, it's just so outside my personal experience it's hard to really wrap my head around it.

And that's speaking as somebody who, once again, is very accepting and understanding. Now imagine what it's like for most of your school who may not be involved in the LGBT circles or even be really aware of it. Even if they're accepting of your gender identity, there's still a big disconnect between what you address yourself as and how you're officially known. I think in a way it's kind of like if you met your online friends and there's that kind of awkward association because, for me at least, I'd have a hard time calling BonerSlingX by that name if I met him in person when his real name is Bob. Likewise, I've had a few instances of people calling me my screen names in person and it just felt weird. In your particular case where Luna is a name you want to go by, it would be a huge adjustment I'd just have to convince myself it was a nickname as opposed to your actual name because whatever you're generally known as is the name I'd be compelled to go by. It would take a lot of practice and mental reinforcement to remind myself that you wish to be called Luna.

Honestly, with school, it may go against who you view yourself as, but it would probably be best just to go with your birth name. It doesn't mean that if you see yourself as feminine you have to act against that, but a name is a powerful thing, and until it's something you can legally change, you're constantly going to be having to correct people and explain your reasons why. It is going to be exhausting. It doesn't mean people suck, it just means that people are going to want to call you whatever the PA system calls you and what's read off the attendance sheet. You're still in school; everyone's pretty young and their life experiences are pretty limited. It sucks, but you're really fighting against the grain for what's a social norm. While you are dealing with an emotional identity issue amongst your peers, in a way, it's not unlike kids who don't fit in the popular groups. Coming from a kid who hung out with the Goth kids in high school without being one, they had a hell of a time having their social identity being respected, as well as a lot of them their sexuality. You might feel utterly alone, but you aren't. A lot of people don't feel like they are accepted for who they want to be. And you know something? Those fringe and outcast kids can often end up making some of the most loving and supportive social groups in that environment.

School's such a short, temporary time in your life, try not to worry too much! Afterwards, you start to get a lot more control over your life and your identity and you aren't forced into an social environment that, let's be honest, is pretty miserable for a lot of people. You know who you are, and so do your friends. That's what matters most. Bullies and dicks don't really follow you outside of that, and people start to get a lot more mature. Hang in there! It's a temporary irritation that is a relatively short period on the front quarter of your life. Life is so much more expansive afterwards, and you can really fit into who you want to be. It does get better.

Well, there is a lot to say about this.

I guess the first thing I'd like to clarify is that the reaction I'm getting is not simply forgetting that I want to be called Luna, but an immediate outright refusal to acknowledge me by that name. Also, I'm attending college at a Lutheran college, so many of the students have a Christian background.

That being said, I think I understand. I'm not going to be attending this school much longer, and if I don't ask why they are so against me going by the name, I don't think anyone will. If there is any shot at understanding, this would be it, but I cannot help but think they will resent me for challenging them on this subject.

I really don't feel alone in this, but that doesn't change the fact that many of the people who I hung out with regularly 3 weeks prior are suddenly avoiding me like the plague. I really just cannot imagine this kind of behavior to be the result of simply misunderstanding what I was asking or having a preference to stick with the norm.

 

[Dervish]

Well, there is a lot to say about this.

I guess the first thing I'd like to clarify is that the reaction I'm getting is not simply forgetting that I want to be called Luna, but an immediate outright refusal to acknowledge me by that name. Also, I'm attending college at a Lutheran college, so many of the students have a Christian background.

That being said, I think I understand. I'm not going to be attending this school much longer, and if I don't ask why they are so against me going by the name, I don't think anyone will. If there is any shot at understanding, this would be it, but I cannot help but think they will resent me for challenging them on this subject.

I really don't feel alone in this, but that doesn't change the fact that many of the people who I hung out with regularly 3 weeks prior are suddenly avoiding me like the plague. I really just cannot imagine this kind of behavior to be the result of simply misunderstanding what I was asking or having a preference to stick with the norm.

One of the most important life lessons I've ever picked up is your real friends are the ones who always stuck by you over the years, even if you barely talk. Social circles come and go, but real friends stick with you, no matter what. If your friends can't accept you for who you are, then the ball's in their park to figure it out, because you don't have to bow down to their desires. Nobody should have to change to make somebody else happy.

Trust me, you would be amazed at how your social circles change and evolve over the years. My inseparable group of friends that I hung out with every day for years doesn't even talk anymore, and it all fell apart after a single person moved away.

 

[☆Luna☆]

One of the most important life lessons I've ever picked up is your real friends are the ones who always stuck by you over the years, even if you barely talk. Social circles come and go, but real friends stick with you, no matter what. If your friends can't accept you for who you are, then the ball's in their park to figure it out, because you don't have to bow down to their desires. Nobody should have to change to make somebody else happy.

Trust me, you would be amazed at how your social circles change and evolve over the years. My inseparable group of friends that I hung out with every day for years doesn't even talk anymore, and it all fell apart after a single person moved away.

Well, here is hoping that I have one among them. I'm genuinely worried that I distanced myself away from them too much for them to truly have a reason to care about me in that way. Part of the reason I even started pushing for this is because I felt so distant from everyone. I thought if I was more genuine about my values, feelings, and sense of self, that would let me get closer to my friends. That was true in a lot of cases, and I even got to meet back up with an old high school friend. I'm really hoping that now that I'm being more genuine, that it will translate to more meaningful friendships.