Sobbing update, I apologize ahead of time for the emoness that is about to occur.
While, out of context, this may seem like no reason at all to feel like the world has spun on it's head: I lost a race.
Let's add in some details: In swimming, in any way. Anywhere.
People: Against anyone. Even my brother, who always boasted that he was going to win, and I would always beat him. Hell, I beat a champion swimmer/surfer last night.
Context: It's the one thing that I have never been beat at. EVER. It's the one thing, in my family that could never be taken away from me, I think my brother has only beat me once. Today: three times. The second and last time, I just saw it coming and I just couldn't do it. It may seem silly, or extremely stupid, but between me and my brother, that always helped me deal with any problems we had. Because in everything else, he had the upper hand. In everything else, he always won. He knew how to win, he knew exactly how to play so that he would come out on top. and he boasted about everything. In water, I just felt comfortable, I never boasted about how I was better in any way. I just wanted that one thing. Just one little thing that could prove that even though I was so much different and maybe even a little bit lesser than him, that I at least had that. That I wasn't entirely beatable. There are better artists than me, I know that. And I know there are better swimmers. And I know there are better singers. But in my family, nothing else mattered. Just a silly little rivalry.
I'm not as happy as I seem on here. There's a phrase that comes to mind, "The happiest people in the world, might just be the most depressed." My psychology teacher told us that on the first day, and on days following, pointed me out as an example. I never said whether she was right or not, but with all the essays and information I had to give out, I wouldn't be surprised if I proved her point. In my family, I'm not happy. I feel different and outcasted from them, like there's something missing for me to understand them. My brother is the closest. If my parents, metaphorically, are a million miles away from me in understanding, he's only five hundred. Still extremely far away, and I can't even see him, but it's much closer. It makes me feel like I need to be with people who I can understand better, like my twin.
So yeah, back to point, I'm crying, well, more than that, sobbing, like a little child, all because I lost a race to my brother. Crying because, while he's getting his act together, it feels like everything's falling apart in my head. He's having a kid with his fiance. He has a job. He has the freedom that I want so desperately for myself. He has the smarts and common sense. He has a different, more practical grip on life, while I've always been floating along at my own pace.
I've never really won all that much. The biggest thing for me in recent, was winning second place at my school for a painting. To be honest, I don't even feel like I deserve it because I went to my art teacher for so much help, because I wasn't good at all with painting, while the first place went to someone who came in, did her work and packed up for the day. No help required.
I've always needed help for every little thing, and I feel like I need to lean on everyone else to keep going. Hell, I did it in Ohio all the time, and now that I'm back in Tex, I do it mostly with my twin. With swimming, I didn't need anyone's help. It was my thing. I felt like it was that one safe place. I swam my own way, in a half-desperate manner of someone who would lose their life if they didn't win. It worked. Now it doesn't.
So, on that third time, when I thought, we're racing entirely under water, I surely have to win this, he smokes, he can't hold his breath as long as I do, He's not as good underwater as I am. It was the one place where I WAY over paced him. When I saw his arms stroking ahead of mine, and finally saw that rush of dark hair, I stopped. I stopped and I placed my feet back on the floor of the pool and stood up and got out. In front of my family, and his fiance, I lost. I lost that one edge. I told them I was fine, just tired. Yet, every time I moved the towel when I was drying off my hair, I had to blot away the tears that were forming. I had to form a half-assed smile when I knew they could see my face.
"I'm just tired. I just need to rest."
What a lie. The second I got back into my room, I went to my drafting table, tried to draw. It wasn't good enough. Everything I drew was wrong. Nothing came out perfectly. I tried picking up the guitar, tried working on the chords I was working on. Stopped when my hands were shaking so much that the stings kept buzzing from them being touched. I tried reading, but I was too antsy. I looked in the mirror. I saw her again.
This may be slightly psychotic, but at my lowest points in life, I always see her in my mirror. Catie.
Her life fell apart too. Her mind was broken far before I realized it and she was visibly out of control.
She was a sociopath. She didn't care about anyone else. She just wanted sex. Love was something she would like, but didn't need.
So last night, when I found out one of my friends and his girlfriend both liked me, and I knew, instantly, that I didn't like them in the same way at all, I hated myself. I hate myself for being able dance with that girl and make her smile like that, when all I was thinking, was, how easy it would be, if I just said a few more things, and if it wasn't her boyfriend's grad party, to get her away from there and have some alone time. Same thing with her boyfriend. I care about them as friends, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't second guess an opportunity with either of them. Or both. I hated myself for thinking in the way that I knew she did. knowing that with the SLIGHTEST manipulation, they'd turn to putty in my hands.
I looked in the mirror today, and when I saw her, I yelled at that reflection in my head, while, outwardly, the vision of her had tears rolling down her cheeks, and when I felt my own, my fingertips came away watery too.
I feel like shit.
