NSFW Jokes

[Gwazi Magnum]

We have a SFW jokes thread, figured I should give the opposite.

Disclaimer Shit

Now, remember this means offensive humor is on the table.
So if you're easily offended, stop reading.
If you see a joke you don't like, remember this is in jest and none of it is to be taken seriously.

And if you think one of these deserves a report/thread lock, please note the following:

• "1. The hate speech must be the most severe of the genre;
• 2. The hate speech must be targeted to an identifiable group;
• 3. It must be public;
• 4. It must be deliberate, not careless;
• 5. Excluded from hate speech are good faith interpretations of religious doctrine, discussion of issues of public interest, and literary devices like sarcasm and irony;
• 6. The statements must be hateful when considered in their social and historical context;
• 7. No prosecution can proceed without approval of the attorney-general, which introduces political accountability because the attorney-general is a cabinet minister."

So, the following is exempt by Canadian law, and I'm pretty sure is also exempt by Iwaku's rules.

• 1. Making a "black stole a TV" joke won't get you banned. Advocating for blacks to be systematically enslaved because they're only worth 3/5ths a person will.
• 2. Making hateful commentary about groups which aren't real (ex: the mages from Dragon Age) doesn't count. Making hateful commentary about a specific person, while tasteless, won't get someone banned for hate speech. (It probably will get someone banned for being a massive dick though.)
• 3. "It must be public" pretty much applies to all of Iwaku. So, yeah. Don't think one can get away with it via PM's either: That's what harassment laws are for in real life.
• 4. If someone says a nasty, disgusting thing, but don't realize it's nasty and disgusting (ie: ignorant) that someone probably won't get banned. People will slap that person upside the head though. It has to be intentional and provocative.
• 5. Being worried about the Syrian Refugees bringing toxic culture with them isn't hate speech. Talking about them as lesser peoplebecause they're Syrian is. Criticize the idea or the culture or the religion, not the person.
• 6. Diana already stated this is a thing. Context is powerful. Jokes I could make about one group or another group make more or less sense dependent on the demographic and the situation at hand. Like I can debate the merits of gay marriage until my face turns blue, but telling gay people that God hates them and that they should all burn and die horribly for their sins is a pretty solid way to earn a banhammer to the face.
• 7. You can't get banned unless it's approved by administration. Most of the time, you'll just get warnings. So basically, you'd have to say something so inexcusably fucking awful that even Diana would be unable to ignore it as anything less than hate speech.

Source.

Note the group/demographic here is a specific thread with this pre-warning in-place.

"Wait, this isn't Iwaku Rules! But Canadian Law!"
True, but then we got from Diana:

-points at Brovo- Pretty much all of that crap. 8D

So yea, from what I can tell this is completely fine if you're warned ahead of time like this.
If I'm misunderstanding it the Staff/Admins are free to drag me off and yell at me for it.

Alright, to start with here's some from my Facebook "Anthony's Evil Mind" series.

Gandhi would make the perfect customer support line.
He's cheap Indian labor, and would never get mad at angry callers.

50 Shades of Religion
Do you ever get turned on by the thought of Omniscient and all powerful beings!?
Do you ever touch yourself and get off on the thought of a horny God?
Well if you like Horny Gods then I got the perfect book for you!
*Drumroll*
The Bible!
Get those kinky pairings such as:
-A God and a virgin
-The first two humans
-Mother and son (whose murdered his brother)
-Offering Daughters as tributes
-Marrying little children
-Brother and Sister
-Master and Slave
-Master's Daughter & Slave
-Rapist and Rape Victim
-Village Pillager and Kidnapped Raped Virgin girl
-One man, 700 wives & 300 whores
Comes with lines such as "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses".
Grab yours at any Church near you for the mere price of a Church donation, constant prayer and then not even reading the damn thing!

Let's make a new zombie apocalypse movie.
Only instead of zombies it's Autistic people.
And instead of biting you they stab you with vaccines.

 

[Kagayours]

THIS ONE'S REALLY LONG AND TAKES FOREVER TO RESEMBLE A JOKE SO LIKE GET READY

So there's this poor little Irish family -- a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son -- and they live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive.

So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn.

So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself.

So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father and the cow are dead, and then he goes down to the river and sees that his mother is dead. So, you know, he's not having a great day so far. But then he meets a lady leprechaun down by the river, and she decides to make him an offer. She tells him, "If you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow."

So the 26-year-old considers it, and he thinks, "yeah, I'm young, I can probably do this". So he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails, and then the leprechaun kills him, too.

So then the 21-year-old son wakes up. Cow's dead, father's dead, mother's dead, brother's dead. So, not a great day so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she gives him an offer, too, saying, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, and I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion."

And the 21-year-old considers it. Like his brother, he also thinks himself young and capable -- so he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails. And the leprechaun kills him, too.

So then, finally, the 18-year-old son wakes up. Everyone in his family is dead. So, not a great morning so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she also gives him an offer -- "If you can make love to me 40 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion, and I'll grant you one more wish -- and it can be anything you want."

But the 18-year-old son stops and says, "Wait? 40 times in a row? That might not be a good idea. I mean, are you sure you'll even survive that? The cow didn't."

 

[Razilin]

Two explorers are traveling down a river in the Wild West. Along the way, they see a Native American who is stark naked with a raging hard-on.

They go up to him and ask "What are you doing?"

The Native American says, "I'm telling time." He looks up at the sun, down at his dick, and says, "Its 8:05."

The explorers look at their watch. Holy shit! Its 8:05! So they continue on their way.



Further down the river, they see another Native American who is stark naked with a raging hard-on.

They go up to him and ask "What are you doing?"

The Native American also says, "I'm telling time." He looks up at the sun, down at his dick, and says, "Its 11:10."

The explorers look at their watch. Holy shit! Its 11:10! So they continue on their way.



Even further down the river, they see yet another Native American, who is also stark naked with a raging hard-on.

They go up to him and ask, "What are YOU doing?"

The Native American also says, "I'm telling time." He looks up at the sun, down at his dick, and says, "Its 12:01."

The explorers look at their watch. Holy shit! Its 12:01! So they continue on their way.



Again, they go down the river and see yet another Native American who is stark naked.

But this time, he is jacking off.

They go up to him and ask, "Okay, what are YOU doing?"

The Native American says, "I'm winding my watch."

 

[Yatagarasu]

What's the difference between a freezer and a gay man?

A freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it

 

[Mu]

THIS ONE'S REALLY LONG AND TAKES FOREVER TO RESEMBLE A JOKE SO LIKE GET READY

So there's this poor little Irish family -- a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son -- and they live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive.

So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn.

So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself.

So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father and the cow are dead, and then he goes down to the river and sees that his mother is dead. So, you know, he's not having a great day so far. But then he meets a lady leprechaun down by the river, and she decides to make him an offer. She tells him, "If you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow."

So the 26-year-old considers it, and he thinks, "yeah, I'm young, I can probably do this". So he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails, and then the leprechaun kills him, too.

So then the 21-year-old son wakes up. Cow's dead, father's dead, mother's dead, brother's dead. So, not a great day so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she gives him an offer, too, saying, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, and I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion."

And the 21-year-old considers it. Like his brother, he also thinks himself young and capable -- so he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails. And the leprechaun kills him, too.

So then, finally, the 18-year-old son wakes up. Everyone in his family is dead. So, not a great morning so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she also gives him an offer -- "If you can make love to me 40 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion, and I'll grant you one more wish -- and it can be anything you want."

But the 18-year-old son stops and says, "Wait? 40 times in a row? That might not be a good idea. I mean, are you sure you'll even survive that? The cow didn't."

This is gold.

 

[Sidhe]

 

[fatalrendezvous]

NSFW jokes are best jokes.

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

You roll up her sleeve.

 

[Dervish]

Three spies in training are on their final test, and one at a time, they're called into the room. Inside the room is the chief and a handgun, and they are each told in turn, "To graduate, you will take that pistol and shoot whoever is seated in the next room. Failure to do so will mean you will be released from service."

The first recruit goes in with his pistol, opens the door, and he sees his mother tied to the chair. He drops the gun, leaves, and says he can't do it. He washes out.

The second recruit goes in with his pistol, opens the door, and it's his mother. Like the first recruit, he says he can't do it. He washes out.

The third recruit goes in with his pistol, closes the door. The chief hears a pair of gunshots followed by several muffled thuds. The recruit emerges from the room and says, "Turns out the pistol was filled with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair."

~~~

Three friends, an Ontarian, an Albertan, and a Newfoundlander are on a road trip and are on a secluded farm road, far from any hotel, and it's late. They decide to go to the next farm house they see and ask if they can spend the night. Soon, they find a farm house and knock on the door. An old man answers the door. "What do you boys want?"
They say, "We were wondering if we could stay the night."

The farmer sizes them up and says, "Alright, the three of you can stay in the barn, but if any of you touch my daughter, I'll fucking kill you."

The three friends agree and head to the barn to settle for the night. As they are about to turn in, the barn door opens, and an absolutely beautiful girl walks in and promptly seduces them, and heedless of the farmer's warning, the three men get down to business and have sex with the girl. As the Albertan is finishing up, the farmer bursts in the barn with a shotgun. "I fucking warned you; you three, outside, now."

Naked and terrified, the trio are marched to a produce field. He says, "Each of you, go pick a fruit."

The Albertan goes and comes back with an apple. The farmer tells him to bend over and shoves the apple up his ass.

The Ontarian goes and comes back with an orange. The farmer tells him to bend over and shoves the orange up his ass. Suddenly, the Ontarian starts laughing.

"What's so damn funny?"

"The Newfie's picking up a watermelon."

~~~

Why did Hitler finally commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.

~~~

What's an Indian's two favorite colours?

Blue and Blue Light.

 

[Lea]

You suck long and hard just to get gravy on the table.

Child: "Dad, how are babies born?"

Dad: "Well son, you remember when the dentist used his drill to penetrate your tooth before releasing that liquid into your mouth?"

Child: "Yes."

Dad: "Well that's how babies are born."