Issues with personal expression and other things...

[Ty Lee]

I feel a desire to be greater than I am, but I have problems expressing myself well in person/online/wherever. There's also the case of being extremely nervous about going out and also wishing to avoid things if possible, I hate conflict yet I partake in it within other formats and such.

I don't have anyone to really look up to, in a more physical sense. Parents aren't really that great, they're honestly judgmental yet say I can tell them anything, though I can't even begin to fathom talking to them like I would with say, my old art teacher (who was AMAZING by the way, but, lost contact and all, foolishly), and having an autistic sister doesn't help, she's been getting worse and worse and she's older than me.
I like and am inspired by the likes of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel and such but I couldn't really hope to be like them, because I want to be myself and that is the fundamental thing here.

I can't really be myself in a household like this. Moving out takes work, time, effort, all that and I've no drive to even fulfil it. I hardly work these days, the job I somehow still have is honestly horrid to even live with, and I get really fucking anxious when they call me up, it is a really fucked up feeling. To be myself, well I'm sure I could solve it with a few words here and there, but it's getting them out which is so very hard.

I'm biologically male, identify as a female, and while I can say I've got some things going my way in terms of physical appearance and whatnot, there's just so much to do in terms of changing the current form I hold. It's not that I'm disgusted by it or anything, I'm rather accepting of it, but it's not what I want, and this is where the few words thing comes in. I've never told anyone physically that I feel this way, about myself. I've never really been close enough to someone outside of the Internet, where I met the majority of my friends online and all, and it's really killing me inside. What if I'm too late? I've been having this same, constant feeling for four or so years now, yet I've never been able to work myself up enough to be out with it. I'm sure when that day comes along it'll be amazing, but, I feel so damn heavy right now. It's almost like it's the cause of my existential laziness, or something like that.

Hell, I'd love to crossdress (though, really, I didn't know clothing had a gender and all! Yes, masculinity and femininity apply here, but to strictly say only THIS gender can wear THAT is kind of, well, it's going to piss me off a little.) on a day to day basis, even while still like this, just to prove that I do indeed want this. I've wanted this for so long, and the desire has been getting so bad, I'm surprised I haven't cracked and just spilled myself out for all to see. I guess I'm just waiting, or something, to have that moment in time where it all just... Works. Though, I'd love to make that moment myself to craft it with my own hands. Feel as I may, I'm still a determined person.

------•------

Inadequacy.
Incompetence,
Procrastination.

Those are what I'd use to describe myself right now.

I'm ablebodied and all that junk, but can hardly use it for what I really want, aside from writing. It's like an isolation all on it's own, even with people around, people to talk to and all that.

 

[Sidhe]

Hey, let me tell you: it's never too late. You're still so young, too, at least going off of the age on your profile. It takes a sickening amount of courage to be true to yourself; sickening in the sense that there are so many people instilling so much fear into people that it freezes them. It took me years upon years to even have the courage to admit to myself who I was, much the less someone else. It is something you have to do on your own terms, because doing so when you aren't ready can unfortunately have awful consequences, but no, it will never be too late. You have to consider your own health, though, both mentally and physically. If it's something that you feel is slowly killing you, then it may be important to think about making advances in your life to get you to a place where you can do something about it.

I know that's not easy. I'm definitely not there myself. Though I've developed the courage to realize my identity and even admit it to several people close to me, there are still so many things that are keeping me in this place, things that I'm still not ready to overcome. I'm still ruled by fear; I'm scared of men, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of life, I'm scared of disappointment... I'm scared of everything. It makes communication difficult, and living even harder. But I'm determined to help myself get to a place where I can start to improve on those aspects of my person. You have to be ready first. One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made is trying to let someone else bully me into moving forward. It only sends you catapulting backward.

I'm sorry if this seems at all cryptic, it's quite late so there's a high chance I'm not making too much sense! I just really wanted to let you know that it's not too late, and you're so entitled to be the person you want to be, and live how you want to live. You're entitled to happiness. That's the most important thing I have learned on my long journey to recovery. You're not just entitled to it - you deserve it. It's okay to take care of yourself, first.

If you ever need to talk about something, I'm here.

 

[Hope]

Tem,

I would love to talk to you more. You are experiencing some pretty heavy stuff. Therefore, I'd like to talk to you over PM. When you feel ready send me a message and we can talk. I was just like you in high school as far as wanting desperately to be more outgoing, confident, and driven. I did succeed, and I'd be happy to tell you how it worked for me. :)

 

[LogicfromLogic]

Only you can be the best cheerleader for yourself.

Change is scary, and very hard. Hard to adjust, hard to handle. But you've got to take life by the horns and go for your goals. You need to find out what makes you, well, you. Having unsupportive parents is hard, I know, I have them. But the best lesson I learned from them? I don't need their approval, I don't need anybody's but mine. And you don't need anybody else's but yours.

If you ever need to talk, I'm free. Being in the GLBTQ community is hard, especially with parents like that. *hugs*

These are normal feelings, everyone loses confidence. But the important thing to do is step back and relax a little. We always have a habit of building ourselves up to not being good enough when really, that's not what the bigger picture is.

I don't know if that was helpful, and sorry if it wasn't.