I feel a desire to be greater than I am, but I have problems expressing myself well in person/online/wherever. There's also the case of being extremely nervous about going out and also wishing to avoid things if possible, I hate conflict yet I partake in it within other formats and such. I don't have anyone to really look up to, in a more physical sense. Parents aren't really that great, they're honestly judgmental yet say I can tell them anything, though I can't even begin to fathom talking to them like I would with say, my old art teacher (who was AMAZING by the way, but, lost contact and all, foolishly), and having an autistic sister doesn't help, she's been getting worse and worse and she's older than me. I like and am inspired by the likes of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel and such but I couldn't really hope to be like them, because I want to be myself and that is the fundamental thing here. I can't really be myself in a household like this. Moving out takes work, time, effort, all that and I've no drive to even fulfil it. I hardly work these days, the job I somehow still have is honestly horrid to even live with, and I get really fucking anxious when they call me up, it is a really fucked up feeling. To be myself, well I'm sure I could solve it with a few words here and there, but it's getting them out which is so very hard. I'm biologically male, identify as a female, and while I can say I've got some things going my way in terms of physical appearance and whatnot, there's just so much to do in terms of changing the current form I hold. It's not that I'm disgusted by it or anything, I'm rather accepting of it, but it's not what I want, and this is where the few words thing comes in. I've never told anyone physically that I feel this way, about myself. I've never really been close enough to someone outside of the Internet, where I met the majority of my friends online and all, and it's really killing me inside. What if I'm too late? I've been having this same, constant feeling for four or so years now, yet I've never been able to work myself up enough to be out with it. I'm sure when that day comes along it'll be amazing, but, I feel so damn heavy right now. It's almost like it's the cause of my existential laziness, or something like that. Hell, I'd love to crossdress (though, really, I didn't know clothing had a gender and all! Yes, masculinity and femininity apply here, but to strictly say only THIS gender can wear THAT is kind of, well, it's going to piss me off a little.) on a day to day basis, even while still like this, just to prove that I do indeed want this. I've wanted this for so long, and the desire has been getting so bad, I'm surprised I haven't cracked and just spilled myself out for all to see. I guess I'm just waiting, or something, to have that moment in time where it all just... Works. Though, I'd love to make that moment myself to craft it with my own hands. Feel as I may, I'm still a determined person. ------•------ Inadequacy. Incompetence, Procrastination. Those are what I'd use to describe myself right now. I'm ablebodied and all that junk, but can hardly use it for what I really want, aside from writing. It's like an isolation all on it's own, even with people around, people to talk to and all that.