In the fetid depths of the badly parked fortress, a pile of insulted bones lay strewn across several yards of stairs.
Goddamn leprechauns and their convenient plot entrances.
Twisting his bones, Jack reformed his body into that of a large scorpion, the pale shape of him truly terrifying...and his head at the end of his tail.
"Well isn't this just peachy..." he murmured with a clatter, "I miss being ooze...at least I had skin then."
Not bothering to wait for the three above, the former blacksmith crept through the dungeon and onward.
"Halt!" A voice cried at him from the darkness, a shape looming before him "Or continue, I don't care."
As Jack approached the strange speaker he quickly realized the beast was none other then the feared minotaur, axe laying forgotten behind him as the pale glow of his personal laptop washed over his ugly face.
"Excuse me?" Jack questioned, warily stepping around the axe. Every skeleton knew that they should avoid blunt trauma...and the minotaur was more then enough trauma to FRACTURE his resolve.
Looking up, the guard's dark eyes watered against the harsh darkness...he might have been crying...or bleeding. Who knew. "Aren't you on your way to confront the Headless Horseman?"
"Well...yes..." Jack Shade ventured, "I don't see another reason to be down here."
"Oh..." the minotaur replied, crestfallen, "I thought you were Candyman10441...I asked him to visit me you know."
"Who?" Jack exclaimed, confusion hard to force on his skeletal face.
The minotaur grinned, exhibiting rotting teeth so potent even the most skilled of dentists would cringe. "Oh, that's not her real name...I've been talking to her online for the last two weeks...I just worked myself up to ask her to visit, I think she's the one."
"The one?" the skeleton questioned, slinking around the hulking giant, "You don't say..."
"I do indeed say!" The minotaur growled irritably, "You think I don't know my soulmate? We both like Metallica, the color black, and cherry lip gloss...those kind of things just can't be coincidence."
"Of course not" Jack admitted dryly, noting how difficult it actually was to be sarcastic without an expression. "And you thought I was this user?"
Looking the skeleton scorpion up and down, the minotaur shrugged. "You could have been."
"I'm a man!"
"How could I tell?" asked the guard, shrugging his massive shoulders "It isn't like you look like either gender."
"B-But I'm wearing a suit!" Jack cried out angrily, shaking back and forth with indignation "A suit and a top hat! Isn't that enough?"
Shaking its shaggy head, the minotaur frowned...or maybe grimaced...or smiled...emotions on a creature with the head of a bull were almost as hard to read as emotions on a skull.
"Nah...in today's culture, top hats and suits can be worn by any gender."
"But I have a cane!" Jack continued, raising up the item with one bony claw, "A gentleman's cane!"
"I thought you just had a limp." the minotaur mused
"I'M ON EIGHT LEGS YOU UNOBSERVANT TWIT!" Jack howled, leaping up and down.
"No need to shout," he snapped, affronted, "I was just pointing out that there is no discernible way to tell if you're a guy or girl."
"Isn't my voice an indication enough?"
"You may just be husky...my mother was the same."
"I'm not a goddamn minotaur!"
"Now you're just being racist," the minotaur maintained with an injured or sleepy expression "I prefer Anthropomorphic and you don't have to be one to have a husky voice."
"Fine...I'm sorry," Jack choked out with a rattle "So how would you go about making me seem more masculine?"
"Well..." the minotaur growled or laughed "You could always wear a dild-oh...right, women can wear that to...I guess you're just going to have to tell them straight off."
"You're almost worse then Rugsy," the skeleton hissed, thoroughly annoyed.
"And you're almost as bad as P00ntang1223," he shot back with a growl or a chuckle. "He's been trying to move in on my girl for a week now...and I think he might be secretly a centaur, they're always cramping my style."
"You know what? I'm going on ahead..." the bony warrior said with a sigh, "You have fun online."
"If you wait just a few minutes, I'll get to a save point and I can smash you to pieces." the beast said apologetically. "I mean...if you're going to go up could you tell the guys upstairs you bested me in combat? This is kinda the only job I could get in this economy and..."
"Fine fine whatever..." Shade yelled, crawling up the stairs...thoroughly emasculated. "I don't have time for this."
"Thanks!" A voice called back after him, "Hey my screen name is taur1010min0 if you ever get to a computer!"
But Jack didn't answer...he just ran up the spiraling stairs with all the speed he could muster.
Summary: Jack meets with a minotaur and has trouble getting upstairs...not through combat...but through sheer annoying conversation.