(IC) An Iwaku Halloween

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A Relic of a Bygone Era
Original poster
The castle of the Headless Horseman. A bastion of headless architecture. A place devoid of candy. A place obnoxiously placed in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Ever been double parked? Well this castle must be like...Four-Hundred Parked. Seriously. This thing is big. Like imagine big, then double it. That big! But can't be called big because its bigger than big, but not enough to be huge...so is it "Bigger-er?" Eh, who cares right?

The Headless Horseman. A Headless (Gee, really?) jerk who's been going around using Jack-O-Lanterns with random powers to destroy dentist offices and candy factories. He made a tiny oversight though when the factory next to that one faulty nuclear power plant actually blew up and spread irradiated candy corn everywhere. Why candy corn? Who knows. It doesn't taste like candy or corn. So what the fuck is it then? Who knows? Should we care? Probably not, but now I can't stop thinking about it goddammit! So you're going to sit down with me and brainstorm!

What? You don't wanna brainstorm? You want the narrator to shut up and let you save Halloween? You little ingrates! Fine! Go save Halloween! Stuff yourself full of candy! I hope your teeth rot and you go into diabetic comas!​
At the town hall, the night was disturbed by violent shouting.

"We want revenge!" yelled the first man, revving his drill. The other dentists around him cheered and revved their own drills.

"No," boomed the voice from the podium.

"We must face the Horseman!" shouted a dentist's assistant, "Even if it costs our lives!" She pulled back her medical gown to reveal a belt of explosive toothpaste tubes, connected to a detonator.

"Don't be silly," replied the deep, slow voice from the podium.

Another man in the audience started waving a plastic cup of green liquid. "The Nekos are thinking of starting their own practices! They think we're weak! We have to be strong and keep control of the urine-supply!"

"Yeah!" yelled the other dentists.

"We will find new urine supplies. Fear not."

"What about the toothbrushes!?!" screamed a receptionist, "He's holding the toothbrushes hostage at Walmart!"

"He's gonna snap them! We have to negotiate!"

"Dentists do not negotiate with the decapitated. That has been our policy since 1972."

"He burned my comfy chair!"

"He stole my magazines!"

"He turned me into a newt!"


Everyone in the town hall stopped jostling and instead stared up at the podium speaker.


"I assure you all..." said Doctor Rugsy, "...that as High Priest of the Illuminateeth in this town, I will personally ensure that we are compensated for the destruction of our surgeries."

"What d'you know? YOU'RE JUST A RUG!" yelled the drill-wielding faction.

"I assure you, my current genetic cicumstances have no way impeded my abilities as a Dentist of the First Order..."

"You've got no arms!"

"You couldn't even do a simple endontic root canal on a pre-molar!"

The assembled dentists started laughing, and a small tear trickled down Rugsy's cheek. He turned and sniffed, drying his eyes before staring intently at the wall.

"The knee-jerk reaction of a fearful mass, or something more sinister? Whatever the case, the Illuminateeth Society of Dentists had clearly turned against Doctor Rugsy. This was the beginning of the end."

"Who's he talking to?"

Someone threw a shoe at Rugsy, but he didn't seem to feel it. He caried on talking to the wall.

"In a small town like this one, secrets didn't stay buried for long. It wasn't the first time a headless maniac had deployed a gothic castle in the Walmart parking lot..."

"Get off the stage!"


"A travesty of nature, or a mother's displaced love? How do we count the costs of the American Dream when our own souls are the lesser part of a bargain with the Pied Piper of death itself?"

"He's not even making sense!"

"Get the anaesthetic!"

Syringe-wielding dentists began storming the stage as scalpels and stick-mirrors were hurled at the twelve-foot creature. He tried to keep order, but when the cannister of laughing gas smashed into his face, he sighed and quickly vacated the podium.

So it was that Rugsy was chased out of the town hall by the disgruntled dentists.
Nights like this called for vengeance. Nights like this called for blood.

The headless Horseman rode unopposed through the streets of his beloved town...and now Walmart was held captive by the machinations of such a fiendish ghoul. But lo...heroes would come. Beckoned to the call of glory and the sigh of troubled multimillion dollar corporations, these heroes would ooze from the woodwork like a bad case of cockroaches to wave fiery swords or magic fingers or obnoxious green scarves or...

Wait...that was just Porg.

And he was nowhere to be found.

Certainly there was no hero in Jack Shade...at least not now.

Bumbling along on unsteady bones, the walking anatomy project tottered without a firm sense of balance to keep him on task. What could he be missing? What could the poor Jack Shade have lost that so fractured his walking pattern?

Oh yes...skin...and organs.

With only a cane to keep the top-hatted skeleton from falling to pieces, Jack Shade tottered outside the town hall, attempting to make a dramatic entrance and only succeeding in bumping into what appeared to be a wet dog crossed with a flounder.

Falling to the earth with a great clatter of bones, Jack Shade looked up with glowing eyes and barked out his curses like judgments from on high.

"Watch where you're going! You'll never get anywhere if you don't look a HEAD of you."

Apparently the fall had addled his mind into terrible puns.

But of course.

It was Jack Shade after all.
The Jester skipped out onto main street, leaving a trail of uncontrollable laughter in her wake. She smiled and stopped dramatically, looking at the newly kingdomized Wal-Mart parking lot.

Once upon a time, (about two hours ago) Jeanie Jeevas had been a poor, working-class clown, only licensed to work birthday parties, bar miztahs, and the occasional bachelor party. She was working at a 7-year-old's birthday party when it suddenly started raining oddly glowing candy corn. Unlike everyone else in the world, Jeanie LOVED candy corn, so she started eating a bunch of it.

Right away, she felt her body starting to change. Thinking it was nausea, she headed into the bathroom. She threw off her clown costume, and knelt over a toilet. After a few dry heaves, she started laughing. She got up and looked in the bathroom mirror. She often layered her outfits and was still wearing the outfit for the bachelor party that she was working later. She ripped the red wig off of her head and put on the jester's hat that went with the outfit. Upon contact, it adhered to her head.

She walked out of the bathroom and giggled, sending everyone into uncontrollable fits of laughter. "From now on, I will be known as...THE JESTER!" She laughed maniacally and made her way toward downtown.

"Hmm..." she thought aloud as she stared at the Wal-Mart. "I could use a Snickers bar." She smiled again and started skipping toward the parking lot.
Rugsy stood over JackShade... not looking at him but staring into the distance.

"Who was this mysterious wight and what part would he play in the unfolding events of this night?"

"My name is Jack Shade! Now help me up!" declared Jack, elongating each vowel for dramatic effect.

"He called himself Jack Shade, but little was Rugsy to know what he was in fact standing that night in the presence of Enrique Domechenko, a dime-a-dozen mercenary from South Columbia."

"Wait, what?"

"Enrique was on the run, driven by a compulsion so terrifying that it had made him remove his own skin to cover his identity."

"I did not! Stop that!"

"What exactly had he promised the voodoo priests, and how did he know so much about Rugsy's daughter!"

"I command you to stop!" JackShade started hitting the twelve-foot monster with his cane.

Rugsy finally looked down at the skeleton disapprovingly. "What are you smiling at?"

"I have no lips. When there's no flesh left, all you can do is smile."

Before either of them had a chance to dwell on this philosophical statement, the doors of the town hall burst open and a horde of angry dentists poured out. They all froze as they saw Rugsy's companion.

"Look at the plaque on that thing!!"

"There's a cavity in his hipbone!"


A giant toothbrush and equally giant tube of extra-whitening toothpaste started being passed through the slavering mob.

"I think we should flee this place, my skeletal friend" muttered Rugsy to the skeleton, in a strangely sidekick-like manner that was no way realistic considering they had only just met.

"Oh, it's not so bad," said Jack, getting up and watching the dentists prepare the giant toothbrush. "At least this way I'll get a free buff and shine."

"But what about..." said Rugsy dramatically, ".... the FLOSS!!!"

One of the dentists suddenly leapt on JackShade's back and started flossing his shoulder joint.

"Aah! Shit!!! Help!!!"

As the skeleton staggered around with the dentist on his back, Rugsy stared at the nearest tree.

"And so, the young Jack Shade had become embroiled in a deadly conspiracy..."

"Fuck! Ow! My shoulder!!! Get off!!"

"Would he ever find the tomb of Amun-Ra as his father wished, or would the triads go back on their deal?"

"Help me you ruggy bastard!!!" Jack started getting doused in toothpaste and mouthwash from the baying crowd.

"This and all things will be considered in tonight epis-OW!!!"

Rugsy got hit by the giant toothbrush.

"Foolish organics!" bellowed Rugsy, before charging into the crowd and knocking dentists left and right. He trampled Jack Shade and succeeded in getting the toothpaste-drenched skeleton stuck to his ruggy hide.

With Jack in tow, Rugsy scampered away across the parking lot, turning over cars and knocking down lamp posts.
Reni yawned sleepily as she pulled herself from bed. The voices in her head started almost immediately. The soft female whisper, trying to overtake Reni. She knew the whisper well, it was Marquess. Stabbing pain in her temple, Marquess was displeased.

Frowning, Reni pulled on clothes and decided to take a walk to try to ease the pain in her head. Stop it, stop it, stoppit... Reni urged, prodding her temples. She could feel Marquess quietly pulling at the edges, stretching them apart, trying to find the opening to slip into her head.

Reni darted out the door and into the brisk air, trying to fight the urges now to pick up one of her hoarded sweets. Marquess was not wholly responsible for this, the candy was nearly addicting. Nearly. Reni broke into a jog down the street, feeling the wind on her face taking away the constant prodding, complaining, cajoling of Marquess.
Yards away from the police tape that circled around the Wal-Mart parking lot and the castle that had appeared inside of it, were two teenage girls on bicycles. One of them was armed with binoculars, brown hair and green eyes and freckles. The other was armed with ... a strange black cat perched on her head.

"We have two exams and one pop quiz tomorrow morning. Can we do this another time please?" asked the latter. She was still recovering from eating that candy corn and, quite frankly, trying to figure out what was the deal with the black cat. After all, she could tell it wasn't normal ...

"I'm the reporter for our school news and news like this wait for no one. I can get a scoop for the newspaper and show my snotty sister what a real reporter does," Chelsea defended.

Marlene sighed and folded her arms on her handlebars before resting her chin on it. She knew that voice. That was the "As God is my witness, I shall not back down" tone. "In that case, I'll take a nap and the feline here can keep watch for trouble."

.. Because everyone knew, when a reporter got involved, strange things always happened.
A mist floated away from the wal-mart, cold, dry mist. It tried to open a fire hydrant but its silvery hands did not have the strength to budge the metal. A soft hollow moan escaped where the mouth wound be as the mist floated into the parking lot and beyond....... It needed water.....

It floated over a storm drain, at floated along the gutter, it floated around the Jester, its cold dryness almost being breathed in by the clown. It swirled in surprise, momentarily making a silvery tornado around her. The whistling of its wind it it studied her from every angle, eventually stopping in front of her and collection into a near-transparent figure of the kroot it had once been.

"Hi, sorry for bumping into you. I'm a bit clumsy." his voice was soft but had an odd quality to it, as if it where wormed from holding winds in a parched throat.
"It's okay," Jester giggled a bit and was a little disappointed when the vapor didn't start laughing. Apparently, her power only worked on living things with substance.
"So...What are you?" She asked, a little confused as to why wind was talking to her.
The vapory figure looked at itself..

"Not sure, the last thing I remember was candy corns, and water, I need water."

The mist spun around her again, trying to see if she had any water.

"I am, or was, called Vay." Shrill giggles filled the mist as the jester's power had a delayed effect.

"So, miss amusing, yes thats a good name for you... Miss amusing, why are you heading for the castle?"
"My name is 'The Jester'," she said, frowning at the mist. This 'Vay' was making her a bit mad. First, the delayed reaction, now calling her silly names.

"Well, to be honest. I wasn't going to the castle. I wanted to go to Wal-Mart," Jester corrected him. "I wanted to get a candy bar. They have water there, so would you like to head there with me?"

Who knows. Maybe mist could be useful in a quest to quench her sweet tooth. Or she was denying the fact that she was lonely and just wished to make the journey with someone who didn't have a laughing disorder from coming into contact with her.
Doctor Fluffy was spinning around in her office chair, staring blankly at the tiled ceiling while her gloved fingers tapped impatiently at the arms of her chair. Her eyes then narrowed as images began twisting about on the ceiling - Images of a particular face that she didn't want to remember anymore. With an angry hiss, she jumped out of the office chair and kicked it to the wall where there was already a chair shaped dent that only got deeper every time the piece of furniture was launched from this not so nice dentist.

"Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Everything's so fucking stupid!"

Enraged, she stomped out of her office and the door swung open. One of her moe neko minions were hit in the face with the door, but seemed unharmed. Instead, she was giggling childishly, making a salute to Doctor Fluffy,

"Anything I can do for you, sir?"

Doctor Fluffy turned around, hitting her face with her palm and grumbling a series of colourful words.

"I'm not a lieutenant or a dude! You're supposed to-"

"Oh, sorry. I was an army man before you transformed me, so I'm still getting used to this job. Let me try again."

The mini nurse opened her eyes widely so you could see them sparkle, her mouth curling into an adorable smile while her ears flicked about, her cheeks a rosy pink.

"Anything I can do for you, ma'am?"

"SOOO CUUUUTE~!" Doctor Fluffy hug squished the minion, then shoved her into the room where she was supposed to be working. Her anger had subsided because of the cuteness and it was now time for her to return to her mean dentists duties that would bring a lifetime of pain.
"The Jester!?......." sounded like someone from a movie he had seen recently...... something about bats..........

The mist pulled back looking at her outfit, not only was it indeed a jester's outfit, but it was an arousing jester's outfit. "Sorry, Jester." the mist swirled around her encasing her in cold dryness as he tried to hug her, failing that...... "I would love to go to the Wal-mart with you miss amu...... Jester. Or is is THE Jester.....?"
The Jester smiled. Vay was kinda cute and comforting in a pet-like way. He reminded her of a snake whenever the mist went around her body. "You can call me Jester, if it's easier," she replied. "Well, off we go." She grinned and started skipping off toward the Wal-Mart again.
The mist floated along with her, "So... Jester, did you try those glow-in-the-dark candy corns? I found a whole bunch of them just lying there, I mean they're candy corn but its not like there's anything else.....You'd think HH would have kept those from us too" a sudden slight breeze caused the mist to fall behind a little as he struggled against it, being misty had its disadvantages.....
"You have to blink sometime Jack..."

Swifty was engaged in an epic stareing contest with one of the Jack'o'lanterns that had been set out for the Halloween Holiday. The Lantern and Swifty stared at one another, seconds passing by as their deathlocked gazes grew deeper and more intense. The Lantern seemed unphased, smiling miniacly with it's carved teeth. Its triangle eyes, burning, and unblinking. Swifty's eyes began to water, the right one twitching a few times as he strained to keep them open.

He had to think fast to win. This latern was a trained professional after all! Swifty grinned widely thinking of a plan and pulled a pastry from his pocket. It was a pie! But not just any ordinary pie, It was...

"Pumpkin pie!"

He shouted. The Lantern's face turned from one of evil laughter to fear. It looked to the left and right and tried to run but to no prevail. It eventually screetched in a horrific panic...and exploded causing the pumpkin and its seeds to blast out in all directions. Swifty had won the stareing contest! Huzzah for Swifty!

"Huzzah for me!"

Yes, that's what I just said...

"Oh, right..."

After Swifty had cleaned up the pum- What are you doing?

"Making a pumpkin man?"

...after Swifty had finished cleaning up the pie, "Awww" he continued on to find what he was sent here for in the first place. Candy, and lots of it. He quickly went along his way to a local Wal-Mart where he could hopefully find enough sweets to control Chaoshika's cravings, keeping an eye out for the reported "Headless horseman" and his goody snatching fingers.
Jester paused a moment, waiting for Vay to catch up. "Well, I just love candy corn. I didn't even notice it was glowing. I just ate it," She replied, looking over at him. He was looking at her oddly...if a mist could look at something oddly. "Yes, I know...I'm about the only person in the world that adores candy corn."

She looked up and noticed that they were standing in front of the castle. "Er..." The Jester looked around. "Is it possible to get around?"
Vay caught up trying to think how someone could <i>love</i> candy corn. He shrugged, well he tried to but failed in the attempt. "I found quite a lot... Oh... yeah the castle, its not that big, well its not <i>HUGE</i> per se, its defiantly big though..... Huge-ish perhaps....." he was silent for a short time... "Its HH's fault I had to eat the candy corn anyway....Uhh right, seems we can go around....." He floated upwards to get a better view, "Or through.... might be a back door to that thing..... Wheres Jack Shade when you need his winged ass? Probably stuffing himself with candy, but hes not forced to eat the corned variety......" he floated back down.

"Sorry, I get carried away..." the breeze began carrying him away again......

After nearly half an hour of running in bursts, Reni dropped down to the side of the street, sitting with her feet sticking out into the gutter as she looked around, realizing she didn't know where she was. She bit back a laugh at her own foolish running, unable to keep her own split personality from manipulating her.

'Guess you shouldn't have been so surprised that everyone else could manipulate you, hmm? You can't even keep control of yourself when it comes to your own mind, let alone when someone else is influencing you...'

Marquess was harsh, but she was often correct these two days. Reni tried to recall when exactly she had gone insane, gained two halves of a whole person instead of just a simple self. It was that day, when the sweet man she had run in to on the street had given her a piece of candy. Happily, Reni had eaten it, but almost instantly, her head began to spin and she could feel Marquess spring to life like a flame from a just struck match, lively and powerful.

After that, things were a blur. Reni had finally taken over again when the body was too exhausted to move much more. Was it really that fault of candy...? It did not seem likely but what else could it be?

It was an agonising noise... but then again, so was the conversation that Vay and Jester were having. The weird girl and the spectral Kroot turned at the sound, then Vay yelped as something huge rushed through his body. His senses became filled with rug-like like sensations... the smell of carpet-stain remover, the feel of shag-pile, the sight of microfibres. He even heard the dust-mites muttering anti-semitic slogans.

Then Jester yelped as a twelve-foot Rug Monster collided with her. She fell in a puddle, and a strange skeleton that was stuck to the Rug Monster struck the wall of the castle with a bone-crunching clatter.

"That was dramatic," muttered Vay as he reformed himself and floated over to see if everyone was alright.

Doctor Rugsy turned towards him with a stricken wide-eyed gaze. "DENTISTS!" shrieked the monster.


"Ow! That really hurt!" muttered Jester as she picked herself up out of the puddle.

"My apologies. Please, make use of my super-absorbent micro-fibres."

"What, wait, n-!" Jester squealed as the monster rushed towards her again. She was sucked into his ruggy fur and deposited on the other side, dishevelled but dry.

"I feel so violated..."

Vay peered past Doctor Rugsy and looked at the odd skeleton laying by the wall. "Er... is that your skeleton?"

"Don't be preposterous. I am a rug, I have no internal bone structure."

"No, I mean is the skeleton with you?"

"As a couple? Certainly not - I am a married man. Though my wife has taken the kids to her mother's. She says she can't trust a man with no feet."

"No. I mean... Don't you think you should give your skeleton a hand?"

"I don't have any hands. And besides, he already has two."

"OH SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" shouted the boney heap of JackShade as he lay by the wall. "THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES!"

"I think the skeleton is correct."

"Then you are mistaken. Clearly, his femur is out of place, and he has a hairline fracture on his fifth vertebrae!"

"SHUT UP!" roared JackShade, getting up and piecing himself back together. "NO MORE SKELETON JOKES!"

Rugsy turned and stared at a tree. "Tensions were high among the heroes. Clearly, JackShade had fallen in love with Jester at first sight, and in his frustration he... OW!"

Rugsy fell silent as JackShade's whipped him with some dental floss.
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