A few days ago, the night before my birthday, I was standing in my doorway talking to my best friend, pouring my heart out to try and explain why I didn't want them to make a big deal out of my birthday. "Because I'm afraid.." All the happiness, I don't know how long it will last, I don't even want to believe in it because it might not last and then what? And then I'll be alone again, searching blindly in darkness for the same happiness to come around and find me one more time.
And he smiled at me and put his arm around me so that my face was buried in his shoulder. "I'm not going to leave you." He told me.
It was like he knew exactly what I was saying, despite the strings of sentiments and worries that probably made no real sense. But he understood. It was a fear of loneliness. If my birthday was a joyous, populated celebration, I was afraid the day after, the month after, maybe a year after, I would look upon it bitterly for having lost those friends.
But when he said those simple words: I am not going to leave you; my heart felt relieved and I stopped crying instantly.
I think, for even my short lifespan, it was probably one of my happiest moments. Not the kind of jump up and down and sing at the top of your lungs happy, but, a more peaceful contentment, a-gratefulness-that-I-am-alive kind of happiness.
: )