It probably won't mean much from a total stranger like me, but I'm sorry this happened...
I've never lost a partner before, but I have lost my best friend, to suicide. I'm not a social type in the slightest, so he was an absolute god-send for me. Showed up out of the blue one day and before long, I couldn't imagine being anywhere without him. We probably clicked like we did because he was just as messed up as me, and I loved him. But, I have personal space issues and its difficult to be with people for any length of time... Was selfish, thinking about myself and just needed to recharge I thought.
Before I knew it, I'd been away for a few months and, I don't know. He'd always had problems with his family and life, just like me, but he always felt like - though I never really processed it this way - an older brother. Someone stronger than I was. God.
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think about him everyday and it still hurts. Flips between sad, angry, hopeless, all three, nothing at all. I hate it. People always suggest seeing a therapist, but for some reason I can't stomach the thought. Maybe it's for you, though? But, it's not always painful. I spend a lot of time thinking about when we were together, feels like I'm trapping myself in the past. But the thoughts by themselves, its kind of nice.
I'm sorry, I don't really have any serviceable advice. Nothing that changes anything.