Behavior Flags

[PoetLore]

Explosive temper is a huge red flag for me. I spent a lot of years living with someone like that, and I don't even want to be around anyone with a blow up kind of speech pattern anymore.

That said, I try to find something in every person i meet that I can learn from and admire. Sometiems you really have to look hard, but it's usually there.

 

[junebug]

Many have repeated lots of my red and green flags, but a few red flags for me are: explosive temper, people who find it funny to be mean to others, people who don't understand the difference between a wrong and right time to make jokes, as well as what kind of context those jokes should have. I'm also not a huge fan of clingy people; it always seems like they're trying to get in your space and it's exhausting to deal with. Lack of communication, flaky peeps, and lack of range of topics to chat about are also red flags for me.


Some green flags are friendliness, confidence. Hold your head up high, don't be afraid to approach me. Tell me what's going on, strike up some weird convo with me about the stars or some funny yourube video you saw. Honesty is key, loyalty is forever.

 

[Draugvan]

Ye...I'm an oversharer aye. But I worked in customer service for five years. You make a habit of keeping the conversation going.

Red flags:
- Gossiping bad shit about people they know. Or worse, gossiping bad shit about people YOU know. Who needs that information on their conscience? Don't even tell me about it.
- Its ok to argue, but not when the opposition cuts you off and tries to end the conversation without you getting a word in edgewise. Worse if they shit on your oipinion with broad, groundless claims like "Everyone knows that's bullshit" or "Do you even look into the literature?" or "You've got to stop that."
- When someone demands "You're not focusing. Contribute to the conversation!". I am a burnt out husk and I reserve the right to enjoy a quiet moment in silence with another person. It does not have to involve conversation. Just let me earn my energy back in peace.
- People who satire LGBT issues and claim for instance that you have to accept they identify as a helicopter, or their religion is spaghetti monster. I know enough QGBLT people to whom that behaviour is harmful and toxic. Either nut up and disagree or die in a hole. I don't need you shitting on my friend's freedoms.
- Displaying normal social behavior such as eye-rolling, hoard mentality, turning their body away, and shitting on the obvious candidate for shitting such as a quiet nerd-type or a goth.
- Contemporary vocabulary, eg:
its lit, fam;
safe;
100 (aka 'hundies');
blaze;
woke;
gucci.
- Being mean to animals like kicking dogs or pigeons.

Short answer - don't be an impotent dick, and don't be a lemming.

Green flags:
- Having the attitude "Fair enough", and then letting it slide.
- Agreeing to disagree.
- Being open to opposing evidence and then admitting wrongness and subsequently changing your opinion.
- Sympathising and being nice to service staff (I fucking was one).
- Having a forward-thinking attitude such as moving to one side of the footpath ahead of time, or anticipating problems like eating, travel time and preferences.

 

[The Mood is Write]

-takes notes and adjusts nonexistent glasses-

 

[Wrath]

Well, honestly I think this is a lot more complicated other than "Don't be a dick", some really nice people can do horrible things with good intentions. Rather than focus on words look more into actions.

They can be really nice, ask you to do them a favour in a pleasant tone of voice but in the end they may just be using you. Flags are obvious signs that someone has bad intentions but the worst type of people you will encounter are those that hide it better.

I disagree with some of these red flags some people have suggested, its all about context and demeanor.

Such as; "lack of communication" an example I would use would be; two people in a room and you're both strangers, you have to talk about something you know a lot about but they don't. Generally most of the time you would lead the conversation because they know either nothing on the topic or they are too shy.

Or lack of topics to talk about (sorry Kat your ones stood out the most to me because I'm both of those. #Tilted whatever) that could just be lack of confidence.

Just because they lack those qualities shouldn't raise red flags, some people need a bit more time and effort but you can find them to be loyal and honest friends.

Here comes the cringy bit, I believe when you realize that each person you pass every day has an infinitely complex life compared to your own because of millions of different variables, that no one is the same but we all have baseline similarities.

You would never just turn away anyone because of a red flag when they have green ones, no one can conform to the ideals of red and green, everything is grey. (Unless they state that they want to kill children, thats a red and you should call the police)

Another example (sorry Draugvan) is you can have a friend that polite to public sector works and having a fair enough attitude and they gossip. Why? because they're honest with what they think. If you think they deserve to be red flagged on the way they speak if they use words like gucci or lit then you aren't really much better than the ones that deserve to be ignored.

It's like a man from England saying he can never be friends with a guy from Scotland because he doesn't like the vocabulary of Scottish words like 'wane', 'aye', 'auld'. Which mean 'one', 'yes' and 'old'.

TLDR: People do bad things, but they also do good things.

A red/green are people that are able to make really horrible dark jokes about themselves. (It's about context and demeanor)

A big red are people that take something and blow it out of proportion.

If this is for depth of character I suggest you make them grey. The best villains are the ones you understand their viewpoints from.

 

[Draugvan]

Another example (sorry Draugvan) is you can have a friend that polite to public sector works and having a fair enough attitude and they gossip. Why? because they're honest with what they think. If you think they deserve to be red flagged on the way they speak if they use words like gucci or lit then you aren't really much better than the ones that deserve to be ignored.

That's a good opportunity for me to clarify that point. I feel that while language in and of itself is no more than hot air, it is indicative of a culture that I find to be abusive and toxic. I feel the odds are good that someone using such language as I indicated are themselves 'red' as it were. It sounds like a smattering of profiling and prejudice. But I feel the odds of avoiding harm are worth stepping does like that.

 

[Kitti]

Well, honestly I think this is a lot more complicated other than "Don't be a dick", some really nice people can do horrible things with good intentions. Rather than focus on words look more into actions.

While that's true and sometimes people might misread an action due to a miscommunication or circumstances, I think most people have more complex evaluations of people than a single flag.

Red flags are, in my opinion, potentially worrisome habits or behaviors that could indicate someone that I don't really want to spend much time around. One example of this for me is "Posting TMI details about your relationships on social media". It's not strictly that I hate them talking about their relationships but more that it's indicative of a mindset or group of attitudes/behaviors that I try to avoid. Is it an instant block? No, but it does make me look at them for patterns and more red flags.

Just like a single green flag doesn't mean we're going to be instant BFFs. If you're nice to waitstaff, I might think you seem nice and lean friendly toward you but if I then find out that you like to do meth after work and lost all your friends because they're "all haters and hoes" the single green flag isn't going to save it.