Afraid of Losing You {AcornTree}

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Just a nose bleed? He thought that this was just a nose bleed? Well, maybe it was, Hope figured, however she couldn't stand the thought of it just happening in general anyway! And the fact that he seemed to calm about it, as if this was something that had been happening to him every day of his entire life... Well, perhaps it was best if he didn't panic. Panic only caused for the situation to get worse, and didn't panicking increase the blood flow in the body or something? Hope wasn't sure; she hadn't done that well in her biology class in college, but despite all of that she knew that it was good that he had a level head about this because she knew she wasn't going to. But when he tried to calm her down she sighed, balled her hands up a bit, and tried to breath like she normally did; in and out, slowly, regularly. It really wasn't working, not even when he tried to reassure her that the walk or anything they had done that day had not been a product of him getting a nose bleed. Why, though, could she not help but think otherwise?

They should have just went home straight from the hospital, Hope was beginning to convince herself, but then what would she, what would they, have done? Heavily Hope frowned, but after a second of watching William walk away back to the car with Jazzy, she bent down and picked up the water bottle that she had let fall to the ground and started following after them. She'd bring the bottle back home, just so that they could actually recycle it instead of just throwing it away in the garbage. Funny how, even through her slightly crazed and frazzled mind that she was able to remember something as little as recycling. But once she made it to the car she opened her door and then hopped in, putting herself behind the wheel as she started to buckle and settle herself in, her eyes roaming over to look at William as he started to wipe his nose off. It seemed as if there hadn't been any extra bleeding, so that at least was a good sign.

After blowing out a sigh she started to drive back to the apartment once everyone was settled in. "...Sorry. I just worry." She spoke the words softly as she quickly glanced over to William before she looked back at the road.
 
William started to clean himself up. He was glad that it hadn't lasted long. He knew that, despite his assurances, Hope was still panicking even if she was trying not to show it. He finished cleaning himself off as best he could without water, and then sat back in the seat, putting on his seat belt as Hope started up the car. Jazzy had settled herself into the back seat, but she was staring out the window like she hadn't wanted to leave the park.

"I know. Its okay." He answered her apology. He gave her a small smile. He honestly didn't blame her. Pretending was hard. Especially when there was such an obvious reminder. "I really am okay right now though, see?" As if to prove his point, he danced a little in his seat. He had no idea how he had such positivity when he knew he wasn't okay. It just kind of... came to him. It was probably Hope. He didn't want her to worry over him. He didn't want her to be upset, and he'd do nearly anything to make sure she wasn't. Including doing something silly like dance in his seat when he really wasn't feeling up to doing so at all.
 
Hope's hands were a little tighter on the wheel as she continued to drive, the knuckles on her hands beginning to pale a bit under the pressure. She tried to relax herself, especially when William seemed to have accepted her apology, but... She was just still scared. She didn't want to see anything happen to him, and what would she do if something happened to him back in the apartment? No doubt she would freak out again, probably more so because she would be afraid that she wouldn't be able to do anything, but that was a thought that scared her as well; what if she went crazy over everything, what if she panicked over every little thing? Nothing would be accomplished, she knew, and more than likely she would end up upsetting William and she couldn't stand the thought of that, especially when she flicked her eyes over there for a second to see him do his little dance. He was trying to make her feel better. He, the one who had cancer, was making her, the healthy one, happier. That didn't sound right. It didn't seem right in her eyes because she figured that she should be the one comforting him. It seemed to be the other way around, and she almost hated that.

She took a deep, shuddering breath in order to get herself to not cry. In any other time, she would have laughed at him. In any other time, she probably would have even tried to mimic him, even behind the wheel. But right now all she did was sit there and shake her head as she put on a smile, forced, but she hoped that William would see that she was trying to put an effort into it. Just think about what would happen later on, she told herself; she would listen to him play his music, and then they would have playtime later on. She just wondered if she would be in the mood for any of that. "Yeah, I see," she said, her voice a bit weak, maybe even a little shaky, though she was trying her best to shake the voice away. "You're... Still not much better of a dancer than I am."

Hope was quiet for the rest of the car ride, deciding to turn on the radio to a low level so that there would be no awkward silence between the two of them. But when they finally made it back to the apartment, after Hope parked the car and got out with the bag of food, she waited for William and Jazzy to get out. "You can get the blanket and Jazzy's water dish; the water bottles are in the bag here." She lifted it up slightly before turning and locking the doors to the car. She headed up towards their apartment then, shifting through her purse to find her keys and when she did she unlocked the door, opened it, and then walked inside after taking the key out of the lock. Another sigh came from her lips as she threw the key back in the purse and walked over to the kitchen to put her purse and the bag of food on the counter. "You want to check and see if the chicken is still good enough?" She asked as she pulled the chicken out, trying her best to distract herself with trivial and busy things, like that.
 
William swallowed a little thickly when Hope didn't laugh. She looked more like she was about to cry. He put his hands down in his lap and looked away form her for a moment, because he knew she was the reason she wasn't smiling. His eyes watched the scenery pass by instead as she finally answered him, and when he looked back at her he could tell she wasn't really smiling, even if he appreciated the effort. He sighed quietly. This... was bad. He smiled a little weakly himself after that, and didn't answer. He also didn't mind that Hope turned on the music to keep them both from talking. Even when he wasn't paying attention to the music at all, his fingers were tapping against his pant leg the beats to every song.

Once they finally got home, William got out and opened the back seat. He looked at the bag she had and then nodded, getting Jazzy, her bowl, and the blanket. He took all of them to their apartment, waiting at the door as Hope fumbled with the key and then let everyone inside. William put the blanket away and then unclipped Jazzy from her leash. She shook herself out and then followed William into the kitchen as he looked at the chicken. He nodded. "Yeah, and if it is I'll just make the chicken salad now." he answered.

Looking over the chicken, he decided that they were, indeed, good enough. "Theres enough for you to take for lunch if you want." he offered. He got down other ingredients he would need to make the chicken salad, and then started to pull apart the chicken with his hands.
 
Hope couldn't help but step away a bit as she watched William start to assess the chicken, but as soon as she stepped back she turned and went to grab Jazzy's water bowl to fill it up in the sink. Once that was taken care of, and once she had set the water bowl back down full of water, Jazzy trotted over to there and started to lap at the water, the noise enough of a distraction for Hope before he turned her attention back to William. Absent minded, she gave a nod to what he said about taking the rest of the chicken that he didn't use for lunch tomorrow if she wanted to, to which she knew she wouldn't but she nodded her head nonetheless. "Um, yeah, sure. Maybe I will." She gave a half shrug of her shoulders before she bit her lip and sighed. "I'll figure it out later." Her eyes turned back to look at William as he started grabbing other things to get his lunch for tomorrow, Hope, again, biting her lip as she rubbed the back of her neck. This wasn't how she was expecting any of this to go. But, then again, how had she been expecting any of this to go?

She took a step back out of the kitchen then, dropping her hand and resting it against her side again. "Ah, so... I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm kind of sweaty, and I feel like I have grass all over me and it's itchy. No thanks to you, of course." Again, with trying to put in another joke it turned out flat without as much enthusiasm and teasing in it as her jokes normally had. But she tried to push the weakness aside and cleared her throat before she pointed in the direction of their bedroom to where the shower was. "So yeah, if you need me I'll be in there." And, really, she had been honest about that; if he needed her for anything, all he had to do was come to her. If he was able to make it to her. Hopefully he would be able to, or at least hopefully Jazzy would be able to get her attention like yesterday morning. Was it bad, she started to think as she started to make her way over to the room and bedroom, that she was so paranoid that anything could happen to him, that anything would happen to him, if she wasn't in the room with him? Yes, she realized, it was.

But because that thought ran through her mind, she kept the door to the bathroom cracked a little bit just in case; so that she could hear anything that William may yell at her even through the water of the shower, and so that Jazzy could burst her way into the bathroom if anything happened. That, she figured, was a good plan, and she solidified it in her own mind as she started to strip out of her clothes. She knew she was being paranoid, but she also just told herself that she was being cautious, because she wanted to be there to help him, and then potentially lose her mind over it but she figured that that was fine. She felt like she was losing her mind already with all of that anyway.

Hope had made sure to take a quick shower, allowing herself to quietly sob in there since she had been unable to stop herself as soon as she fit herself under the shower head to let the water fall against her back and body. This just wasn't fair, and she wasn't even thinking about herself in that moment; she was thinking about William because this wasn't fair to him. Why did he have to get sick when he had so much to live for? There was a part of her mind that wanted to try and reason with William that they should see if they could get a second opinion, because she still was having too hard of a time wrapping her head around the fact that he had cancer because she didn't want to believe that he had it, but she doubted if she would ever be able to put up an argument for getting a second opinion since he seemed so set on believing everything and since things were already set up for Friday. She just hated it because she didn't think it was fair.

As soon as the shower had been turned off, and with there having been no interruption, Hope wiped down the mirror with the towel in order to look at herself in the mirror to make sure that her eyes weren't red or puffy, which they weren't any longer which was a good thing. And after taking a sniff she took a breath, shook herself off, and then started to dry off with the towel, as well as her hair, and then headed back into the room to change into some comfortable clothes.
 
William looked over at Hope with his hands full of chicken, frowning a little when she seemed so... distant. He couldn't help but to be upset. Was it so hard to pretend? he was pretending just fine... he knew it was hard but was it really that hard? "Okay..." He said hollowly. He was going to mention that she had promised him that he'd take off her shirt. And now she was going to take a shower before he could do that. He decided not to say anything. "Okay...." He said again, echoing his earlier word in almost the exact same tone. He looked back down at the chicken he was working with. This sucked. This sucked even more because he had cancer on top of everything else.

Before he even finished making his salad his hands were shaking. He put down what he was working with, tears springing to his eyes. No. He would not. He took several deep breaths between his teeth and then finished making the salad he had started. He put it in the fridge and the rest of the ingredients away just as he heard Hope's shower stop. Good. He was doing a little better then. He just really needed Hope too also. It was too hard to pretend if Hope was acting all upset all the time. He bit his lower lip and then picked Jazzy up, cuddling his face into her fur and then putting her down again.

He wanted to go to Hope then. He wanted to tackle her onto the bed like he might if he wasn't sick. He still would, except now he was afraid. Afraid she might not be in to it. Into... him... He clenched his jaw and then sat down in one of the chairs from the table. He plucked his cello from where it stood in its stand in the corner and then put it between his legs, tuning it up quickly. He didn't know what else to do. He didn't know what else to do but to play, which is what he always did when he was upset.
 
It didn't really take her that long to get her pajamas on, but instead of just going out of the room like she had planned on doing before, when she started to hear the strumming of the cello, Hope bit her lip as she backed up and sat at the edge of the bed, clutching onto the towel that she had onto her chest, taking a shuddering breath as she turned her head to look down, shaking her head. She tightened her hold on the towel, clenching her teeth as she sighed, listening to the sound, wondering if this would be one of the last times she would hear that. No, she couldn't think like that, she knew she couldn't! It just made more tears want to come to her eyes, so quickly she tried to push the thought aside as she shook her head again and stood up, going over to the closet to drop the towels in the hamper as she let her damp hair fall back down over her shoulders. She was such an optimistic person normally; why couldn't she be like that now?

Almost as if her own feet were walking for her, she headed over to the dresser where the case for her camera was, and with her brows furrowed, Hope reached into the case and grabbed the camera out as she turned it on, checked to see it had enough of a charge and then started to head down the hallway as she listened to William begin to strum the string. She had wanted to take a picture of him today, to which she had not, so now she figured would be the perfect time; to take a picture of him when he was generally in his calmest moments by playing music. Hope decided to sneak her way down the hall, staying along the wall so as to not be seen so easily, the little task she developed for herself being a bit of a distraction for her. It worked, and when she stopped after she pointed the camera up to see if she had a good enough shot, she stopped and started to try and focus the camera on him.

William's head seemed to be bent as he was seeming to tune the instrument, however, when Hope tilted her head, and the camera, to the side a little, she was then able to see his face. And she didn't like what she saw. It made her throat start to tighten again, because she realized then that he looked upset, and if he looked upset then that meant he actually was upset, and there was a part of Hope that knew that it was her fault. With the sight in mind, and with the sudden sorrow and frustration coming upon her, she lowered the camera and held it in her hands limply. She couldn't take a picture of him like that; she didn't want to remember him like that even if she knew that he, and she, got frustrated at times. But those weren't moments she wanted to capture; she wanted to capture the happy moments, and this certainly wasn't happy, not like they were, somewhat, at the park and a few days ago.

Slowly, she turned the camera off and started to walk the rest of the way down the hall, her hands in front of her as she looked at William with a bit of a soft gaze. She had to be nice, she had to... Try. She cried enough in the shower, but it was so hard! How was she supposed to be happy, how was she supposed to be positive when all she could think were negative thoughts? Without saying anything to him, she set the camera on the table and sat in the chair next to him. "Have you... Made any new music for this?" She asked quietly, genuinely curious as she titled her head in his direction.
 
William didn't think that Hope was back out yet. He thought she was just... getting dressed or... crying maybe. He knew she was probably crying. And the fact that he knew she was crying just made him more upset. His fingers were on the board of his cello harder than he meant for them to, the strings cutting into his fingers, but not enough to bleed or cause much harm. He closed his eyes, but he opened them again right afterwards as he heard the soft thunk of Hope's camera.

He looked up at her and mustered back a small smile to his face. A very small smile. He didn't see the point in pretending very much if Hope wasn't going to play along either. He looked up at her, clearly confused. "Music... for what?" he asked, not sure what she was talking about. He hadn't meant to be oblivious. He searched her face a moment, letting his fingers ease off of the strings a little. His bow was leaning against his knee, the cello basically tuned at that point anyway.
 
Hope didn't like the smile that William put on, her lips turning into a bit of a frown as she looked at him, though she quickly tried to get a hold of them and put her lips into a straight line. He still wasn't happy, and now he wasn't even hiding it from her. This, she knew, wasn't how he was expecting any of this to go either, because he didn't want to think about the cancer and because he just wanted to forget about it and be normal for the time being. She knew that she wasn't making it easier on him, and she was beginning to hate herself for that. But his response to her question caused her to stop for a second as she sighed and raised her legs up to rest against one of the bars on the stool. She rested her hands on her lap before slowly letting them slip in between her legs as she looked forward again and leaned forward. "Maybe not music, I guess. I mean songs, like songs that you compose, or something like that?" But that wasn't what she really wanted to talk about, but she was afraid to bring anything up around him because she wasn't sure what was a touchy subject or not.

But she had to just bring it up, she couldn't just not say anything to him. "William... I know you're upset, and whether or not you're upset with me, I don't know. I just- I don't understand how you can be like this, like you are because I'm trying to, I really am. And I know you said that you didn't want to talk about this until Wednesday, but I can't do that. I can't just... Forget about everything so quickly, and I doubt that you can either. I don't think that it's healthy to try and push it down so quickly." She knew that he had shown emotions back in the hospital, but even then she knew that he had been trying to hold it back. She turned her body to look at William then, knowing that she was probably making him more upset by talking about this, but she just had to say it. "I'm sorry for the way that I'm acting, and I apologize that I'm probably not going to be the happiest person like I normally am because I know that it's probably hard for you." She bit her lip then, furrowing her brows as she seemed to shrink into her seat a little more.
 
He knew she meant songs that he had composed, he just didn't get what she meant by - and then he did. His face turned a little sour. Songs about having cancer? Was that what she meant? He didn't want to write songs about cancer. He thought about getting up and leaving. Not the apartment, just back to the bedroom maybe. Away from this conversation, at the very least. He picked up his bow and thought next that he'd just play over whatever Hope had to say. Didn't she get it? Didn't she get that he didn't want to talk about this?

For a moment, William's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water as he figured out what he was trying to say to her. He shook his head at her. "Hope, no. You said we wouldn't!" He insisted, shaking his head again. "I don't want to talk about this. I don't care whats healthy. I'm not healthy anymore. There's nothing healthy about me. Why can't you just pretend? I've got an ... entire... month... to be upset. To be sick, to be reminded of it every, single, day. I don't want to waste the time I have left not in the hospital. I just want to be here, be normal, you get to be normal after this but I don't. Give me this, please." His eyes were shiny with tears but he didn't let them fall. He couldn't have this conversation. He couldn't do this.
 
Hope nearly flinched as he spoke back to her, her lips pursing as she clenched her teeth on the inside. How could he not think that this was hard for her, how could he think that she would be normal after all of this? As soon as they found out that he was sick, neither of them were normal anymore! Yes, she knew that she wasn't the one that had cancer, but he, someone who she was dearly in love with and close to, had cancer and could potentially die from that. He thought that this wouldn't affect her? He thought that she would be fine once he went to the hospital only because of the fact that she wasn't sick with cancer? No! She wanted to yell that at him, she wanted to just try and get through to him that it was hard for her to pretend about something like this because she didn't want to see him go through any of it yet she knew that it was inevitable, but as soon as she saw the tears in his eyes, she stopped.

She took a breath and loosened the fist that her hands had made as her hands rested against her side, herself turning her eyes to look away as she could feel her own eyes begin to, once again, burn with tears. She wanted to give this to him, she wanted to pretend for him, but she was beginning to think that she couldn't. If she talked about it with him more, then maybe she would have felt a little better and maybe she would have been able to pretend. She would have still been terrified, yes, but at least they would have talked through it, talked about the insecurities and fears, rather than trying to push them under the rug to deal with them when he was actually having to stay locked in a hospital for a month, because, in all honesty, that was the time that she didn't want to talk about any of that. That, when in the hospital, was the time in which she wanted to try and be normal for him because she knew that those reminders would be there for him and she wanted to help distract him from all of that. Of course they would still be scared, but at least they would have put it out there already. But he wasn't going to let her do that, and she knew he wasn't.

She never should have agreed to promise to not talk about this with him, Hope realized as she said nothing and instead walked into the kitchen towards the fridge to open the door and just look in it. The cool air felt a little better hitting her. She just... Felt as if, even if he was sick, that he shouldn't be doing this. But if he wasn't going to talk, then what could she do, even if she had promised him? "Do you want any lemonade?" She asked with a croaky voice before she cleared it away as she reached for the pitcher of lemonade, not looking in his direction. Normal, right? This would be normal, and this was not talking about it? "It's almost gone... But I think two more glasses can come from this."
 
William felt bitter when she didn't look at him. When Hope actually turned away from him. He felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach as Hope got up. He felt like he was going to throw up. He didn't feel like playing anymore, and that in itself was a rarity. One that had only happened probably twice before in his entire life. "No." He answered about the lemonade. He got up, putting his cello back into its stand and then the bow just next to it.

Things... things were already ruining. He swallowed around the lump in his throat, and in pained him to do so. He didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't want to play cello, and despite how tired he was he wasn't going to go to bed angry. That, William had learned from his mother. 'Never go to bed angry'. She always told him that, whether they were arguing, he was arguing with someone else, or if there wasn't any argument at all. So what was he supposed to do with himself? He might go for a run to cool off, but he wasn't feeling energized enough for it.

He cast his eyes about the apartment. No papers to grade, nothing for school to do. Turning on one heel, he moved over towards the window. He stared out of it and down to the grass and parking lot below. William couldn't help but glare, as if it was all the car's down there's fault for things.
 
Still, Hope refused to turn and look at William as she listened to his reply, only to shortly after begin to hear him shifting from his seat. She frowned to herself, her hand shaking as it held the pitcher as she stayed there with the fridge open, biting her lip and looking down. Honestly, she didn't feel like drinking any of this either, so instead of going to the cabinets to get a glass, she put the lemonade back into the fridge and shut the door, wiping her hands down her pants before she sighed and turned to look where William was. But when she saw that he wasn't there in the chair and that he was, instead, over by the window looking out of it, she couldn't help but feel her sorrow deepen. What was happening to them? It hadn't even been twenty four hours since they had heard the news and already they were getting to this point?

No, it was her fault, and Hope had convinced herself. She should have just let things be and should have never brought anything up. Then again, she told herself again, she should have never agreed to never talk about any of this until Wednesday. It was too hard for her to do that, and she couldn't tell whether or not it was hard for him but she had a feeling that it just wasn't good. But perhaps the two of them just had different methods of coping with things; she wasn't sure, given how the two of them had never been in a situation like this before. Maybe... This was another test being put to their relationship, and if that was the case, she figured that they were failing at it miserably. "William..." With another sigh breaking through her lips, she hesitantly made her way over to William before she stood behind him.

She reached out a placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it to give him a bit of reassurance though she seemed to be trying to give that to herself, but it was also just to let her know that she was there. "I feel like I shouldn't have promised you to not talk about it while we're here. I don't know how hard this may be for you because I'm not the one in your position, but I think I'm just having a hard time not talking about it because I'm so used to... Just talking things out with you. We always said that we would tell each other how we felt about things and we weren't afraid to do that; we promised each other that we wouldn't hide our feelings from each other because things like this would happen." She dropped her hand then and looked at the window as well. "I know you don't want to talk about it, and I can't make you, so I'll back off again if you tell me to. I just don't want you to have to repress everything and then to have all of that come crashing down on you when it could have been talked about before you had to go to the hospital." She backed up again, shook her head, and then turned. "I'm here if you want to talk and you know that. And I know I said that I would try to be 'normal' and 'happy' like I usually am, but it's so hard to do that when I'm scared, and I'm sorry for that. I know I've said it before, and I know it's probably irritating as hell, but I guess that's just what I have to say." And after that she walked off, heading back towards the bedroom as she wiped at her eyes again.
 
William hated feeling like this. Particularly towards Hope, but just in general as well. He heard Hope behind him shut the door to the fridge. He hated the friction and the unease and the fear. He hated the upset, and he hated that he was feeling such strong emotions of hate too. He crossed his arms over his chest, and shortly afterwards he heard Hope call his name. He didn't look away from the window, his jaw twitching just a little bit in the way that it did when he was upset.

He didn't pull away from her hand. He wished, instead, that Hope would give him a little more than just her hand. He listened to her in stony silence as she tried to explain to him why. Why she couldn't just pretend. It hurt. He wasn't ready to give up the life he had had and exchange it for this new one. This new one that upset the both of them so much, and where he had to tip toe around his illness. William just wanted to be normal.

It wasn't like... he was never going to talk about it. It was just a few days, he wasn't even waiting until Friday when he had to go to the hospital, but way ahead on Wednesday. Two and a half days of being normal, and he hadn't even made it 24 hours. William knew that Hope wasn't wrong. She rarely was. He just felt like the hospital would rip things away from him. Things that he wanted to enjoy now without being reminded of how sick he was. His heart was heavy, and as Hope turned away from him William leaned forward, putting his forehead against the window as he looked down at his feet. Tears were welling in his eyes again, and he took in a deep, ragged breath before he just started to sob. He closed his eyes against the tears but they easily found ways to escape anyway. William was crying so hard it was actually difficult to breathe, and he could not stop himself. His hands clenched into fists, one of them knocking against the window pane weakly near his face. He didn't want to break, not like this, not here, not so soon, but there was nothing he could do.
 
Hope hated to have been the one to bring it all up; she didn't want to hurt William any longer, and she really did want to be there for him, but what could she do? Lie to him, make him think that she was okay when she obviously wasn't? What happen to the promises that they made to each other in the past, about the two of them never lying to each other about how they felt about something? She knew that in a case like this, she probably could have let that feeling slide, but she couldn't do that. She just couldn't do that because she cared too much about William, and she was too scared and all she wanted to do was talk about it in that moment. She just... Wanted things to go back to normal, something that the both of them wanted, but something that she doubted would be able to happen again. Of course, if things turned out well and if he survived, then they would turn into a different 'normal' that the two of them would get used to, but she knew that forever and always the cancer would be in the back of their minds, because wasn't there always a possibility of it coming back if it ever went away?

When she made it into the room, her bottom lip quivered as she wiped at her eyes and took a breath, sniffling to herself as she walked over to the bed and climbed on it, sitting with her resting her back against the headboard as she curled her knees up to rest against her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on the top of her knees then as she looked down, sniffling, shaking her head and just shaking in general. All she wanted to do was talk, at least for today so that they could get over this. So that they could put everything out there and then... And then they could act normal, or relatively so because then at least their feelings would be put out there. Then for the rest of the time they would be able to try and enjoy themselves until he had to go to the hospital. There was a thought in the back of her mind that bringing it up could cause them to ruin the mood, but the cancer was still there, she reminded herself. It was already killing the mood. It was probably already killing William.

No, no! She couldn't think he was going to die, she just couldn't. But... She shook her head again. She didn't know what to do. William didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to do, and no one else probably knew what to do either. She felt lost, and scared, and sad because she didn't know what was going to happen. She just wanted everything to go back to the way it was on Thursday, when there seemed to have been nothing wrong with him. Was that too much to ask? Why did this have to be brought upon them, upon him most of all? Her wet eyes peered out to look at the doorway, wondering if William would be coming in there for what ever reason. But he wasn't, and she didn't hear him coming after her either. There was no doubt in her mind that he was upset with her, probably more than upset, but what could she do? She said her piece already, he knew that she wanted to talk about it, but that was it. She knew that he probably wouldn't want to do anything with her any time soon because of this, because she hadn't been able to keep up a promise to him because of a promise that they made to each other long ago. "I'm sorry..." She whispered to herself as she reached one of her hands up to wipe at the tears that had fallen down her face.
 
William did not see this as lying. They were pretending, which meant they both knew how the other felt but they were playing at not feeling that way. It wasn't a lie. Like a movie, maybe. He couldn't handle it any other way, because he didn't want to be so emotional. So... upset. Jazzy had moved towards him, pushing her head against his legs and then whining softly and quietly. Not enough for Hope to hear her from the bedroom.

William hadn't wanted Hope to go, but he didn't go after her. Not at first, at least. He stayed where he was with his head against the window as he cried. He didn't leave from there until he had mostly finished. He wiped at his eyes afterwards, not sure how long he'd stood there. He gave Jazzy a pat and then finally moved away from the window. He looked around the empty apartment and then went towards the back where their bedroom was. Coming into the room, his eyes, nose, and the skin around his mouth was red and puffy. He was pretty sure he'd never cried so hard before. Not since he was a baby.

He moved onto the bed next to Hope, but instead of lying like he normally would he laid horizontally on his side, so that his head was against Hope's thigh and he had to pull his legs up to his chest in order for them not to dangle off the side of the bed. He didn't say a word. William only closed his eyes, waiting for her to say whatever it was she wanted to talk about pertaining to his illness because he couldn't start it. He wouldn't. His throat felt sticky and painful, and every time he swallowed it was very audible. He wondered, vaguely, if Hope could hear it too. He didn't want to waste the time he had being upset with Hope. It would hurt him even further if that was to happen.
 
She shouldn't have said anything, she just should have just left things be... Or, at least that was what Hope continued to tell herself as she tried to pull her legs closer to herself as she rested her chin against her knees, biting her bottom lip all the while as she shook he head. No, things needed to be said; she couldn't take it back, and that was also something that she continued to tell herself. She didn't really want to take it back, but then there was another part of her that did, if only so that she wouldn't have upset William like she had. But again, she told herself that she didn't want to keep this within herself, and she didn't want William to do the same thing. She didn't want to talk about any of that, except in a few short occurrences when it needed to be said, when he was in the hospital so that she could do all that she could to make sure that he was happy there. Then again, shouldn't she be trying to make him as happy as he could be while he was here too?

Hope pulled her legs down and then let them stretch, her head leaning back as she looked up at the ceiling. Too many conflicting thoughts, too many things going through her mind that she just wanted to stop. She didn't want to think about this; she didn't want to think about the fact that William was sick and the fact that he would be gone for an entire month in only a few days, but that was all she could think about. That was all she would likely be able to think about for a long while, and there was no doubt in her mind that the thought would only continue to persist in her mind when he was gone. But what could she do? When she heard William come into the room, she pulled her head down and looked at him, catching note of the fact that his face had gotten red and that his eyes had become puffy and swollen. He had been... Crying. The sight alone was enough to break her spirits, but she tried to keep the action at bay as she felt a lump begin to fill in her throat. No, no, that wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to have been that upset.

As he laid his head on her thigh, she reached one of her hands out and ran her fingers through her hair, looking down at him as her eyes began to well with tears again. What happened to her trying to not shed tears throughout the entirety of this? There was a long silence that persisted through them, Jazzy having come into the room as well, though instead of trying to jump on the bed she stayed in the middle of the room, sitting on the ground as she stared at Hope and William. But Hope's eyes were hardly taking any recognition of the little dog, her thoughts too caught up with the man before her, the man who was, more than likely, broken by this point because of everything. "I don't want to see you like this," she spoke softly as she shook her head as she sniffed lightly. "It's scary, and I don't like this; I don't like any of this. It's just not fair that this is happening to you..."
 
William did not open his eyes again. Not yet, anyway. This was awful, what was happening. It was more than just the illness at this point. Already, and nothing much had even happened yet. His hand balled into a fist when Hope said that she didn't want to see him like this. Then what did she want? He wanted to be happy, to pretend like everything was fine, but she hadn't been satisfied with that. And now that he wasn't pretending, it wasn't what she wanted either? It was one way or the other at that point in time. Pretend or don't, but Hope didn't seem to like either of those options, and William couldn't think of another one.

"But it is." He answered, his voice grating a little because of the crying he'd done earlier. A sudden, horrible thought took hold of his brain at that point. He told himself it would never happen. He told himself that Hope wasn't that kind of person, and that he shouldn't ask about it... but he absolutely had to. He had to, or that fear would be nagging in the back of his head for the following month and he'd always be on edge, and he didn't want that. "Hope... if.... if you can't do this... if you don't want to go through this with me.... please just tell me now." If she left him in the middle of everything, he didn't think he could handle it. Not with everything else. But if she didn't feel strong enough, or just didn't want to put herself through this, it was the start of things now. He could handle it now, with everything else, he thought he could. At least more than he could later.

William could not imagine his life without Hope. It hurt to even ask, to even think it. But he was vulnerable now more than he'd ever been in his life, and he needed the confirmation no matter what way she chose. He wouldn't try to keep her here. He wouldn't, as much as he would want to. He couldn't do that to her. He couldn't make her stay here and then hurt her, put her through this burden. Mental, emotional, financial, this was going to take that from her too, and if she wanted to run he couldn't stop her. He loved her too much for that.
 
She knew it was happening, and it didn't help when William only confirmed those words himself. Hope knew, in the back of her mind, that she was going to have to accept this at some point because this was in their lives now, and no matter what, cancer would always be in the back of both of their minds, but it was hard for her to imagine doing that! She didn't want this terrifying thought to be there so often, and she didn't want to go through life, or at least life with him, wondering if he was okay, wondering if he was going to get sick again if he survived through this and if the chemotherapy was able to take the cancer away. But it was what it was. Wasn't that something that her parents always told her? She remembered her parents always saying that things happened in life that could not be controlled, but in order to overcome those situations and hardships you just had to tough them out. It would be hard, and it may not even turn out the way that you wanted it to, but things happened for a reason. If it worked out, then that was meant to be, and if it didn't... Well, then it just wasn't meant to be.

If only she could be tough though. She didn't want to be tough in this situation because she didn't want it to happen at all, but, again, it happened, and it's not like they could do anything about it. William was sick, and all they could do was make sure that he could get the best kind of treatment that he could get, but everything else was left to... What ever. Fate? God? Life? She didn't know at this point. She didn't really care to think if there was any sort of divine spirit out there in the world looking down on them, mostly because she wasn't that much of a religious person, but also because this situation was happening in general. Why would someone like William have to suffer when he had so much to live for and when he was such a good person?

His words caused those thoughts to stop instantly, however, causing her to furrow her brows as she looked down at him, her breath steeling and sucking in in that same instance. Wait, so he didn't... Think that she could handle this, or that she didn't want to handle this with him? She didn't blame him for thinking those thoughts, and she didn't even blame him for asking because, honestly, she knew she would have asked him the same thing had the positions been switched. This was a tough situation, one that effected the both of them that would change their lives. But... Did she want to leave? It would be easy to leave, and she knew that she wouldn't be directly effected by this then. But... She couldn't imagine letting him go through this alone, even if she knew that he had his family, because what kind of person would that make her? But not only that, how could she just leave someone that she loved so dearly in his time of need? No, she couldn't do that, not to him. Bad things could happen, she knew, and she may end up getting more hurt in the future with all of this, but she loved this man and she didn't want to leave him. That didn't seem right. "I don't-" she started, shaking her head as her voice cracked a bit. "I'm not going to leave you. I"m not going to let you go through this alone."

She moved her hand to get him to tilt his head so that he would look at her, a frown etched into her features though there seemed to be a softness to her eyes. "I know I say I don't want to see you like this, but that's because I love you too much to see you in so much pain. But I would never, ever, leave you because of this and I will never stop supporting you." She didn't know if she could handle this; she didn't know if this would hurt her own being by seeing him slowly get through and change with the chemotherapy and just this cancer in general, but if that was the risk with staying with him through this, then fine. She'd take it. She may hate it, but she knew that she would hate herself even more if she ever left William. She just... Hoped that she wouldn't break in the middle of everything. "I am always going to be here for you, and nothing about that is going to change, especially now. So don't think that I'm going to leave because I'm not, okay?"
 
William swallowed thickly again. He was honestly afraid to hear her answer, even if he was confident that she wouldn't leave him. Because what if he was wrong? What if she did leave him? What if she got up off the bed right now, packed a few things, and left? When Hope's hand went to his face he opened his eyes again, looking up at her. He looked very much like he might cry again, but he didn't. He only listened to her. He listened to Hope as she took care of his fears about their relationship. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, sitting up a little bit to give Hope a soft kiss against her lips before he laid back down again, his head back on her lap.

"Okay..." He agreed softly. He believed and trusted Hope. He always had, and he hoped that he always would. Hope meant so much to him. "I love you... I... I don't want you to go. Thank you... for staying with me." Maybe it was selfish of him to let her stay, but he couldn't push Hope away. He needed her now more than he'd ever needed her before. His future was suddenly scary and bleak, and without Hope it would be even more so.
 
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