Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by ☆Luna☆, Mar 20, 2016.

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  1. Lately, I've been thinking about the way that I relate to other people. Specifically, I've been thinking about how I show people that I care about them and how that changes based on my relationship. So, I thought it might be fun to talk about it with Iwaku on the subject.

    How do you show affection? How do you want others to show affection to you? How does this change based on your relationship?
  2. I am a physically affectionate person, basically as soon as I'm comfortable with someone (and they're comfortable with me) it's all about the shared personal space and hugs and light shoulder punches and hair ruffles.

    I blame my family. Whenever someone comes in or leaves they get a big hug from everybody, and if some of those people are parents or grandparents, kisses too! When we were kids it was tickes and piggyback rides and doggy piles

    Basically I've always associated physical closeness with sentimental closeness, and it's the best way I know to express it!
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  3. In contrast to Minibit, I came from a family that was not physical. Most of my real emotions tend to be reserved for certain times and places, and otherwise I'll be either quite cold, or issue a nonstop series of jokes and jabs. I have social masquerades that I wear quite often, anywhere I go.

    So when someone gets past all that, I tend to smile around them, and show frailty. I'll talk about things that I sincerely care about, very personal things, and constantly shower them with various little elements of affection. Back rubs, or small gifts like books on dates other than important ones. ("Look, today is Tuesday. Nothing important today, so, have this book you always wanted!") I'll genuinely listen and attempt to abridge and change certain behaviours to make them feel comfortable, and take interest in some (not all, I'm still my own person) of the things they talk about. They have an interest in dogs? I'll read about dogs. They have an interest in music? I'll read about music.

    Someone who is important to me, is someone who has spent the time and patience, and shown the compassion at every stage of that, to get through my barriers and touch tenderly the heavily scarred soul underneath that. So most of the affection I give back is based around what they want, and in expressing freely things like genuine smiles. Stuff I normally bury underneath layers of self-protection. Course, back rubs are nice too, and I give those out like candy to people I adore. Who doesn't like massages?


    To clarify a bit, yes, friends would get back rubs if they asked for them. I just know that some people really find backrubs too intimate to be given by a friend, so... Le shrugs?
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  4. It takes a lot for me to get close to someone especially emotionally since I'm a misanthropic, nihilist, loner.

    In the rare occasion that I get really close to someone, I'll become as physically affectionate with them as they're comfortable. As for the little family I have left, I'm really affectionate with them since I love them very much ^_^
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  5. The more random, blunt, offensive etc. That's usually my way of showing affection to people.
    Basically, the more likely I'm willing to open up around you and relax without fear of being judged or you getting offended is how one would measure it.

    I'm usually not much for physical contact though.
    I normally won't turn it down if someone offers, but I rarely initiate it (except with little cousins, hello and goodbye hugs are always required).
  6. Since a few people have shared, I think I'll share a little bit about me.

    The most natural way I show affection is through spending quality time and physical closeness, but it is put in conflict with a natural sense of caution with getting close to other people. I want to show people that they are meaningful in the way they find most natural, but I also tend to have a lack of confidence that I understand the feelings of others. As I become closer to someone, this feeling goes away, and I'm able to behave in a more genuine and carefree manner. For this reason, I tend to be more affectionate with people who are straightforward about their feelings.

    When I receive affection, I like it the same way I'm best at giving it. I want to stay close, talk about things that are on my mind, and feel wanted. But like the way I show affection, it has an element of duality. When I'm not comfortable with someone, I like to pretend that I just want really loud and outgoing fun. It isn't that I don't enjoy this kind of fun, I do a lot, but it is also an easier kind of affection to receive. It is less personal. Knowing that someone can have a good time because of me is a lot easier to swallow than accepting that they appreciate me for who I am as a person. I think, to a degree, I lead people away from the kind of affection I seek out the most. I do it out of a feeling of not belonging, and not wanting people to make me grow fonder of them so casually. It is like, I only want to receive profound affection when it comes from someone I can share the feeling mutually.

    My old signature described the concept pretty well as a sentiment, if not a bit melodramatically. "It should be a crime, having a heart wide as the open sky, without a soul to fill it up with." I feel like I want to love literally everyone around me because I'm just the sort of person who wants to get along with everyone. I feel this way not because I'm seeking validation, but because I see something beautiful in everyone, even if I don't fully understand. And when I think about how my differences in interests and lifestyle separate me from the vast majority, I feel a sense of profound loneliness. I'm extremely grateful for the few close friends that I have, and it shows in the way we express it to one another. Even in being a friendly person to everyone, it goes up to another level with friends. When I was younger, I could hardly separate the feeling of friendship from romantic feelings since my actions towards them were so similar.

    So if I had to wrap all these thoughts up in a nice little bundle, I'd say that the mechanisms of affection, for me, aren't nearly as complex as the motives. I'm a cautious and considered person who masquerades as merely a loud and shallow person, even though both are a part of how I express affection. My affection seems to have a dualistic nature, but at its core, I just want to express and foster mutual understanding, trust, and belonging through affection. This view of affection is why it is my default desire for everyone I come into contact with.
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  7. It's either 0 or 100 on the Affection Scale

    There is no between...

    I actually hate people touching me...even though I touch people ._. More specifically, I hate holding hands so much to the point I can make my little sister straight-up cry because I won't hold her hand.

    There's only like...2-3 people that are allowed to randomly hug or whatever...if you are not one of those 2-3 people then I'll either inch away or shrug you off. And if for some reason you want out hold my hand, then I'll just pull my hand away.

    But hey I always appreciate hugs :D
  8. What? o_o
  9. Right I should've clarified.

    There's only like 2-3 people I like to hug without feeling like I have to shove them away, although I appreciate hugs...

    as in over the internet c:
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  10. I follow them around in a van and watch them sleep at night and then I write messages in the condense of ~8 hours of heavy breathing on their windows.

    Seriously, though. I'm rather reserved in this I've been told. Most people tend to be taken by surprise if I show concern or affection for them at all. I typically express caring in form of doing, rather than more directly. Closer relations get a fist-bump or slap on the back, but mostly they suffer less of a filter on what I say. I have mirrored more hugs and kisses with friends from South America, which I do not avoid or mind but I typically do not initiate physical contact at the same frequency.

    There are two notable exceptions. One being the full-on 180 when I got enough spirits in me and everyone is my best friend and bitch idc we met ten minutes ago my arm is your scarf now. The other is romantic relationships where I guess I'm just waiting for them to tell me 'get off me bitch.'
    #10 Kestrel, Mar 21, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2016
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  11. Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me. Your access level will probably never get that high. There are two people have an "all access pass" to touching me without me screaming in my head. One is my hubby, and the other is a local real life friend that for reasons I have NO idea about, does not trigger the inner screaming. O___O Beyond that, I have a small circle of friends that are allowed to hug me but they have to deal with me verbally going "EW LOVE WHY" so they know that I tolerate their hands out of love.

    I don't show affection through physical touch unless you're one of those 2 people. Though I will poke and hair pluck at all my inner circle I am comfortable with. I might even grabbyhands if I know I can do it it without reciprocating grabbyhands coming at me.

    I am really not all that affectionate verbally either. .____.; I don't give a lot of compliments or express my love with words. When I do, it's usually just when I feel someone really, really needed to hear it.

    ....Action is prolly the only way people know if I care. @____@ If I do something for you, help you with something, listen to you, surprise you... I care.
  12. I'm curious how you like to receive affection. Do you like it the way you give it?
  13. I guess so. O__O As long as no one outside of the approved-diana-zone isn't getting touchy, I am generally okay with all other forms of affection. Though I guess I do get super flustered and awkward with wordy affections. >>;
  14. I don't really come from an affectionate family and I'm a shy and awkward ball of insecurity so giving and receiving affection has always been more or less difficult for me. So I guess I'm more comfortable with small subtle things.

    If I like you, I'm probably way more comfortable with actually sharing my opinion and talking in the first place. If I dare to actually verbally disagree with a person and start debating the subject, that means I'm pretty darn close to them. So, generally speaking, the more words come out of my mouth in your presence, the closer I am to you. Though actually telling someone what they mean to me and all that sappy stuff is just a no. I am not doing that.

    Then I guess I also show affection by discreetly making my own life slightly harder so I can spend bit more time with you. Like, for example, staying to chat with you after class or something even though I should get home and do homework or stuff. Or walking with you to your apartment after school even though that route to my apartment is longer than the one I use when I'm alone.

    I also call my friends dorks and morons and whatnot as a form of affection... I hope they get it. They haven't gotten mad at me though so I guess I haven't fucked everything up with this.

    As for receiving affection, I don't really know how to answer since I'm not quite sure what the answer is. I'm still awkward about affection directed at me and I never know how to react to it. For the longest time, I thought I was totally not okay with any kind of touching since hugs always made me feel really awkward because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do. I think I still don't like hugs much but I've recently learned that I really like affection being shown through subtle small touches. For some reason, sitting close by so our shoulders touch or something feels really nice. And one of my friends tends to pet my hair sometimes and I really love it when he does it.

    All that applies to IRL affection though. I'm less reserved and awkward online when I'm safe behind my laptop. Still, me disagreeing with you and/or calling you nasty names is the surest way to know I like you. :b
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  15. I'm just going to steal your friend. Not enough of mine like petting me.
  16. It's a shame he's really going to get stolen from me. He's quitting the university where we study and applying to another school that is hopefully more his thing. Even if he doesn't get in, he's moving away. Doing his own thing is good for him but I don't like losing one of the very few friends I have and the one that pets me on top of that. :[

    (I know, not 'losing' him for good because technology but I can still be selfish and not like this.)
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  17. Pelvic thrust into their behinds
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  18. its just surprise buttsecks
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  19. Oppressive buttrape!
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  20. What is this affection you speak of?

    Half the time I won't even show affection to my boyfriend, but that mostly depends what mood I am in. He is one of the only people I do not mind giving hugs to and receiving hugs from. The only other people I don't mind are my grandma and cousin, but that is probably because I used to follow my cousin around like a puppy and we would always hang out at grandma's. All my memories with them are good. The rest of my family I will hug, but it just is a bit awkward. I would rather show them I care in other ways.
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