Yo, anyone wanna help me with my LDR?

[Queenslayer]

Firstly, I'm unsure if this is in the right place. This section seems more playful and whatnot, but this thread also doesn't belong in Counseling. :^)

Anywhore, I'm going to be asking a couple questions about LDR's. That's right. Long Distance Relationships.

Secondly, please do not post if you are going to be negative and say things such as...
- "Long distance never works. You should breakup."
- "A 17 year old in an LDR? lmao are u fuckin kidding me rn?"
- "ur way too young"

^ Shit like that, keep it off my thread please. :'>

I am unsure how to segue into this correctly (currently listening to music, lmao), so let's just get right into the details.

I have been in an LDR since the 21st of March. We met through a good mutual online friend. We are in different states (he's West coast, I am just in the West, so we have a 1 hour timezone gap). Anywhore, I describe our relationship as a very healthy one. We spend enough time together (talking, on rabb.it, etc.) but we also spend enough time together doing our own things.
To put that simply, neither of us is too clingy but we are also not too aloof.

Boundaries, right? Good.

My friends think it's weird, my family knows about it (except my mother, we don't exactly have a good relationship but that's beyond the point). They don't really ask me about it, though. My grandma is supportive.

He's two years older. I'm 17, he's 19, but he'll be 20 for a month before I turn 18.

NOW that the details are out of the way, here comes the real reason I'm creating this thread.

When should I move in with him?

We haven't met IRL yet, but I have already bought a plane ticket to see him during Spring break for a week and a day. I was going to make him wait a couple years, but since the university I planned to go to in my state rejected me, I kinda just wanna leave now. (don't ask me to explain it, I can't -- guess being heartbroken over a rejection email does that kind of stuff to you, it's like a bad breakup and you don't wanna be in the same region as the person, in this case, the university I refer to)

The topic has come up a couple times. He has expressed how it would be cool if I moved there, but insists I do what I wanna do. Which is a good thing.

I kinda wanna just take the plunge this summer, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I'll be leaving behind all of my friends and all of my family. Plus, I don't know if it's too early to do so or not. I'm unsure what to do.

I guess I can only decide for sure after I stay with him, right? Eh. It's not a big deal but I just need a second opinion, or 5. I dare not bring this up to my real life friends and family.

 

[Aero Blue]

So, let me preface this by saying - without any intended negativity - that you are young. Not in the sense that 'haharr you're too young', but, realistically, it's a factor.

I would say you're at a point in your life where you need some kind of support system. Frankly, we all do, no matter our age. Whether it's financially or emotionally, there's a very necessary strength in having friends and family around you - and not just around in the sense that you can access them through an occasional Skype or phone call. Your boyfriend seems mature enough for his age, but he's also quite young, and it's a hard task for any one person - especially at his age - to assume the role of being your newfound support system.

I would also consider making an honest assessment of how the living arrangement is going to work, and how your own plans fit into this. Do you still intend on attending college? If not, are you willing to look for a job? What are your boyfriend's plans? And, considering both his and your plans, is moving in a viable option, strictly from a 'can we make it from one day to the next - and be, hopefully, happy' standpoint. What does his family think? If necessary, can my family help us out in a pinch?

If you do move in, your immediate support system becomes your boyfriend and his family (assuming they're in the area). This poses problems of its own. If the relationship - and I apologise for how necessarily gloomy this will sound - doesn't pan out, how detrimental will moving back away be? (For this, consider financial consequences of say, rent or whatnot, finding a new place and new support system if you opted to attend college in the area, any potential rifts that may have sprung up with your family that will need to be patched over).

As I understand it, there's some emotions running due to the University rejection, and that's understandable. It's still necessary though, no matter how tempting jumping into it right away may be, to take some self-inventory.

 

[Elle Joyner]

From personal experience, the best advice I can give is meet him first... spend enough time with him that you can accurately gauge not just who he is when he wants you to like him... but who he is when he ISN'T in top form. Make sure you can still like him even after you see the ugly bits... the flaws, the weird quirks... how he keeps his bathroom. Trust me - it sounds silly, but there are elements to a relationship, and one of them is spending face to face time with a person. Otherwise, you could end up moving in with a person who feels like a complete stranger, and you don't wanna do that...

 

[A000045]

Another possibility is to live with roommates, so you both can try dating each other before making the larger commitment of moving in together/sharing financial and household responsibilities. If you do decide to move forward--be it moving to his town or in with him--try to have a job already lined up. For your safety, you should be working toward having 3 to 6 months worth of savings in your own account, separate from your partner. This will allow you the freedom to leave if/when needed. Honestly, this advice goes for the both of you.

Do you have any close friends or family in the town you'd be moving to? If not, understand the huge disadvantage of moving away from your largest support network. How well do you think you can make new friends outside of your partner once you move? How well do you think your current support network can assist you from a distance? Also, what is the reason for keeping all of this information to yourself? Is part of your hesitation in coming out to any friends or family because you know most would object and challenge your decision, at least initially? As much as it might suck to be told your impulse is irrational and probably a bad idea, I really think you should at least discuss your thoughts with someone you trust. Dating this guy and taking steps to progress the relationship doesn't have to happen on impulse, and it might be better if it doesn't. The concerns of your friends and family might challenge you to look at potential pitfalls, which can only help you in seeing the best path forward.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have fun and enjoy getting to meet him.

 

[Queenslayer]

@Shizuochan

Thank you for the answer! Your response was not negative, it was reasonable, and that is exactly what I was looking for.

To answer your questions, yes, I do plan on attending college, be it via online classes at WSU or at the community college that he went to. Either way, I will be able to stay in the same place as him while still comfortably getting my education. I have a job currently, so if I do end up going there, I am already somewhat experienced in a certain way in the workplace and do intend on working (after all, he did let me know that I will not be free-riding and that I will have to help him out here and there, but that was already a given as I enjoy making my own money because I can do whatever I please with it :p).

His plans, on the other hand, are to continue working. He tried college for a year, didn't like it, which is fair. He has an apprenticeship in a very good business, thanks to his father, and his just waiting to get called in.

His family is mostly scattered. His mother and younger siblings moved to Tennessee this summer, his older brother is in California, but his biological father, stepdad, and grandparents still live in the same state (his stepdad won't be here for very long however).

I think they know of me but do not know a lot about me, but they aren't really concerned. His mother is very lenient and understanding, so until I actually meet her, that is what I am going to go off of.

As for the idea that the relationship won't turn out as planned, I see your point. I will have to practice proper money saving in order to move back to my native state juuuuust in case.

However, I do not see it going in that direction, but you can never be too sure. ^.^

@Elle Joyner

I appreciate this short and sweet answer as well. That is exactly what I was thinking.
Like I said, guess I can never truly decide until we spend that week together in spring break. I look forward to it, though, and that will be a good test. Plus, after that I have plenty of time to think things through and decide what I wanna do.

I guess it also depends on which colleges accept me, I guess.

@Vuroverse

Sadly, I do not have any close friends or family in the state he is in. I DO have more online friends in his state who are my age, but I don't think it would be appropriate to rely on them if something did happen.

Although I think of myself as shy and somewhat reserved, I actually don't have a terrible time making new friends. I am pretty easy to get along with, so I think I can make a few friends here and there in college. (insert thinking emoji here)

My reason for keeping this potential decision from my close friends and family is because, like you said, they would spite me and say I'm 'stupid' and stuff like that. I suppose you are right, however.
In fact, I will be spending this weekend with my closest friend, and we'll be out of town all weekend. I think I could discuss it with her and her mother, who is also extremely understanding as well. They're like a second family to me. Thank you for the very good idea. c:

 

[Vars]

So "Dating someone" and "Living with someone" are two totally different things, and should be treated as such. So please, take into consideration what I am about to say-- I am NOT saying "Don't date this guy."

Please really read, re-read, and deeply think about what everyone else has said so far.

And now:

- Have you ever lived away from your family before?
- Have you ever paid for 100% of all your living expenses before (food, rent, car, phone, etc.)?
- If the answer to the above is "no," have you ever spoken to your parents/family about living away from them and what they may offer to help you with (finding a place to stay and/or financial contribution such as paying for some bills for you)?

If all of those are "no," Do not move in with your boyfriend.

Have you ever been in regular relationship (e.g. NOT long distance and NOT online)?
If "no," do not move in with your boyfriend.

People throw out "too young to do X" because it's shorthand for really "You do not have enough life experience to fully comprehend what X entails."
People about your age usually lack experience in most of the above things, and it's easier to say "you're too young" than actually explain what that really means.

People VASTLY UNDERESTIMATE what it is like to live on your own. And by "on your own" I just mean "not with family." You will be dealing with financial stress for likely the first time and that by itself can really change a person. Throw in basic household responsibilities/chores-- things that need to get done in order to live well -- MANY people don't fully comprehend what those entail, how plentiful they are, and if you've never lived on your own you don't even have good living habits yet because you never established any (this is totally separate from whether or not you do household chores at your family's house).

Furthermore, if you've ONLY lived by yourself and/or never had any roommates, then you don't know how you will react when your living habits clash with someone else's. Let's say you always clean your room on saturday but the person you live with never cleans their room (or does so on some erratic schedule). You may think "Well it's their room, I won't care" until you live with them, then you realize you do care, and sometimes you can't train yourself to not care, and suddenly it piles up with a bunch of other things you shouldn't care about but do, and now you hate living with that person. Even worse is failure to communicate about bills, shared duties, paying shared expenses on time, etc. Sometimes you can have a perfect roommate in every way but they don't pay their bills or rent. Which is a dealbreaker.

All of this happens, it even happens to lifelong friends who become roommates (trust me, friends can sometimes be the worst roommates), and it's probably going to happen with your S.O.
I'm not saying you can't get through this, but without ever having experienced it before, your roommate being your boyfriend makes it 300x worse.

Why?

Because of what everyone else said: If something happens... You break up, you don't like living with your bf, you don't like living in that general geographical area, or whatever else, then you are stuck there with very little or no way to get out. I have been in the situation of living with a partner who I broke up with. it SUCKS, and the only time it is NOT catastrophically awful is when both parties have had similar life experience and the maturity to deal with such a situation.
An example situation you may not have considered possible: [spoili]
Let's say you did your due dilligence and you're 100% on the ball about everything and are sitting on a pile of money. Now, for some reason, you do not want to live with your boyfriend anymore. Maybe you broke up, maybe you just don't like his apartment, whatever.

Now, you have the capability (financially) to move. But your bf cannot cover expenses on his own, and your lease isn't up for a while.
What do you do?

- Do you fuck your bf (financially) by just leaving anyway?
Can you deal with saddling your bf with a place he can't afford? And probably the drama that will come with that (i.e. "You're heartless!" )
If you're on the lease, you have a responsibility to at least pay rent. Are you ok with paying for a place you're not even staying in anymore? What if your bf decides he's not gonna stay there either and screw his half of the rent. Can you take the hit to your credit or the stress of the landlord coming after you for the full amount of rent?

- Do you deal with a highly uncomfortable situation where you live somewhere you don't want to live until the lease is up (which could be a full year!)?
Are you ready to nag your bf to death about how he needs to find another apartment because you're leaving?
Are you prepared if one of you moves on before the other (and brings dates home now that you're just a roommate)?

These are only some of the possibilities. Of course it gets catastrophically worse if you aren't financially capable of leaving immediately either![/spoili]

Now if you actually have lived on your own, or answered "yes" to the majority of the above questions... Then carry on, but tread carefully if your experience is slim.

My suggestion the same as Vuroverse's: move near the guy if you want, but don't actually live with him at first.

 

[Queenslayer]

@Vardoger

Your response was actually quite an interesting read. You recognized the downsides and the negative possibilities, but in a fair-minded manner.

To answer your questions:

- I have lived away from my family before, yes. It wasn't for longer than 2 weeks, but that's besides the point, I think. I am quite comfortable being away, for many reasons. One being that I just like being alone for a good amount of the time. I count the time that an aunt of mine went to Mexico for 2 weeks, and I had to watch her house & her new puppy. I lived by myself for the entire time, given I didn't have to pay rent, but I did have to buy food when I ran out and had to keep up with tidiness of both the house itself and the puppy. It was stressful, but indeed bearable, and I always felt better after I finished so that's most definitely a plus. c:

- Ever since I got my first job, I have started to pay for my own food (which I actually realized is a shitty thing to do, because half my money would be spent on food only, so I've already learned my lesson with that xd -- be reasonable with food purchases). I pay for my own phone (it's AT&T GOPhone, so prepaid, but it works completely fine so I am okay with it). However, I have not paid for a car yet, not paid rent. Those will be things I must learn. I have been forced to contribute to the WiFi bill lately, though, so that's a start.

- I've not spoken to my family about this. My mom doesn't care what I do at all, but I don't think she'd want me living with my friends right now, as we did plan to get a place at one point this year and discussed who would pay what and when.

To be honest, the person I am dating now is my first REAL boyfriend. I say that because I had 3 "boyfriends" in middle school, but since we were so young, I've decided that doesn't count anymore. All 3 were IRL, of course.

As a side note, that did indeed made me realize I HATE when people are too clingy. An 8th grade crush of mine never wanted to leave and was always kissing me, and that got really annoying.
My boyfriend as of current, as stated above, is very balanced which is a good thing, and I don't think we'd have the clingy issue.

As for his cleanliness, he manages well on his own. He lives with his stepdad at the moment, but pays for his own car, food, and keeps his room bearably clean. If it's dirty, it's really only a few shirts on the floor.

Before I get sidetracked, I am not trying to justify myself. You actually bring up very good points.

You mentioned what Vuroverse said.
I have already been accepted to a community college very close to him, so if I DO end up going there and get cold feet, this college has housing. The good thing about it, being community, is that you aren't required to live on campus regardless of where you hail from state-wise, so I can even try staying at his place every now and then, til I decide if he's a suitable person to live with.

I really like the idea stated above, though. Meeting him first. I'm sure a week and a day is almost enough to see exactly what goes on when he has a whole house to take care of.

Thank you for your input, nonetheless. c:

 

[howl]

As someone who knows people who've gone and moved in with someone they'd never met irl before, and people who plan on doing that, the only advice I have in addition to vardoger (since his post was amazing) is to have back-up plans in case this whole thing goes to shit.

Will you be able to afford moving and traveling back if it goes wrong and you want/need to move back in with your family? Would you be able to stay in that area and afford living on your own if you had to? Stuff like that. The person I know moved several states away with a dude she'd been in a ldr, and now I see her working at walmart. :, ) You're better off than her right now in the sense that you have job experience and are going to do online college. I would encourage you discussing it with your family in case you do end up needing their help in one way or another.