So my whole life I have been asking myself what do I want to do? As a little kid around the ages of 4 - 8 I wanted to be a marine biologist. Then it was an entrepreneur, then a drug dealer, then a CIA agent, then an astronaut, then a figher pilot, then apart an infantrymen and then I wanted to write stories, movies, and all kinds of shit. And I kept changing because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't have the work effort, or ideas, or physical skills or self motivation. I tried to get my body built but my asthma always prevented me, when I wanted to do 3D modeling and programming I was shut down by myself because I didn't want to put in the effort. I wanted everything to cookie cutter easy but when life hit it hiit hard and almost all my life Iv'e felt like I won't do anything or accomplish anything. That I just keep lying about who I really am, I keep imagining the future and usually the latter keeps me going till my imagniation runs to far and I realize what I want is impossible. I have no idea what I want to be or stand for. Sometimes it seems all I do for weeks is sleep jack off watch tv and eat. But the rare few days in a whole year that I feel productive I just slack off and I get sent back into the turmoil being shit. I have started so many stories, good ones too and I haven't finished them because something else always caught my attention, whether it was the need to do good in school which I tend to fuck up anyway, some new fucking tv show, some girl, or whatever it is. And the times I do finish things I never take it to the next level, I never bothered finding people to do my dnd adventures with, I never bother trying to get published or publishing on my own, to get a label for my music, to actually go out and dj or to fucking get off my ass. One really low point in my life was when I was when I was watching this tv show freaks and geeks how this character nick speaks about the things in life that motivate him like his drum set. How he pours so much itno his drum set and it's something hes dedicated too. I felt like I couldn't find my calling, ever since I saw that scene I've tired to find something that interests me but I never stay with things. They either get too hard, don't become "fresh" anymore like a piece of art just becomes background and nothing interesting or special about it because you've looked it at so much. I jus tfeel like shit and that my life will be a waste because my dreams of writing for doctor who or going into space or creating a business or finish writing some fucking roleplay will never come true and I'll just be another cardboard copy of a person who had a chance to be something but could never amount to it.