Vent

[Jho]

I fixed up a revealing vent that happened over a facebook chat. I bared my soul, so I guess it's poetry? Starts off at the juicy bits.




So I'm thinking a lot about myself.

I met this beautiful dude (Like, insanely. Fits a lot of what I look for in a man), and I already know I would want to have sex with him.

No biggie, I'm exploring my sexuality and being more detached from my physical body and the constraints society has put on it.

But he lures me.

He compliments me in the most intimate of ways, he doesn't mind my eccentric personality and my strong disdain for relationships in general.

But this is where the fish hook gets caught up in my cheek,

The dude seems to be above my level. He has his own clothing line (still budding, not very impressive, but it's a feat in itself). He's 1-0 on his way to UFC fighting for MMA. He's beautiful. He got chicks calling his name in the stands of a fight. He graduated hs by 16 to continue with his career and moved out at the age of 17.

And though I immediately feel like he's out of my league,

He tells me he wants me.
He says I'm a 10. He unintentionally reveals parts of his personality to me while we speak casually on sex

And then he asks me to commit to him.
And only him.
And if I think of fucking another man, he'll castrate them.
And he's shown me videos of him fighting to prove he can do it.

Suddenly, a random hot guy turned into so much more
I've become so emotionally attached to him, in the most horrible and beautiful of ways, I've lost my dominant persona before I realized it was gone

I submitted before the cannons fired to signal there was a war to begin with.

I not only want his attention, but my ego is feeding off of it.

A part of me that I thought I had under control, is acting against me so forcefully, that when he doesn't text me back for hours,

my heart starts.

It doesn't go up with a steady beat, escalating to thunder as time goes by,

It roars immediately.

I'm paralyzed on my bed before I can think about what the fuck just happened.

Thoughts of him making it all up,
of me not being worthy of his attention,
of me making the wrong decision to open myself up in the first place
swarm me.

And now I'm crying alone.
My chest is on fire.
I can't feel anything but self-hatred
for opening myself up to him.

For letting him get to me so fast.

And then I start to question how the fuck was I going to live my life, as sexually charged as I know I can be, if I don't open up to someone? And I think even more about how I was doomed from the get-go.

Is he a life lesson? Should I have never even spoken to him?

But then my phone buzzes. It's him asking me to get on skype.

We talk for 5 hours
I try to leave
but he begs me to stay
and he falls asleep to the sound of my voice.

So now, even when I do try to tell someone,

I have already professed to the heavens how I hate men
and dating
and love being single.

I have to explain to them how someone so strong and passionate about her independance
is dangling on a thread
for a guy who only wants to fuck her when it's past 2 am.

And every time I try to break away from him, he pulls me back in stronger than I ever pushed.

And his pull feels like love.
His pull feels like the panic attack was worth it
His pull feels like I'm overreacting

And no matter how bad it gets, the pull wins.

It's a train wreck from start to finish.
And nobody ever gives me realistic advice.
Nobody EVER thinks of me as vulnerable.
They just tell me to get over it.

The only reason I appear so strong
and angry
and ready to rip off anyone's head
is BECAUSE I'm vulnerable.

Because I know exactly what I'm capable of when the right strings are pulled.
I know how low I can get.

And the higher I hold my head,
the higher I raise my impossible standards

to protect myself,

the harder it is for others to catch me.

And when I hit rock bottom,
it starts all over again.

I reject people and general emotions so violently, I may as well appear as a robot to them. I may as well be told to get over him

because that's the image I give.

I know he's wrong for me. And eventually I will climb out of the hole I dug for myself.

But while I'm alone down here,
hearing the same things over and over from the people who love me

I just hope that one day the roller coaster can stop.

 

[SamIO]

"Is he a life lesson?"

It's difficult to read this without being immersed in these raw emotions you've so powerfully rendered; the concepts are so alien to me, never having been exposed to anything remotely comparable, but I can't help but feel dragged into this tumult of yours — and I think that says a lot. Between your evident command over language and the maturity of your internal dialogue, from a strictly expressive perspective, I think you've really demonstrated a talent.

I hope somebody dear to you finds a way to really help you work through this, if you find you can't best do it alone. It seems to me this man has challenged everything you believe of yourself, and I imagine that's put you on a trip that'll leave you unsettled for a long while after the resolution of this drama; be it via recovery or reidentification, I wish you a happy ending.