(Unknown prefix)A realization that blew my mind.

[LogicfromLogic]

So, I come from a very harsh family. Yet they are all united in hating one person, just one. It is the only time that they do not fight with the big guns, and the only time that they will ever come close to agreeing with one another is when the topic is on one person; me.

My family hate me for a various amount of reasons. Possibly because I am one of the only ones to get back up and refuse the life of addiction (though my teen years, that...eh...not a pleasant story. Full of bad decisions and poor judgement it is), to try to be a better...and not become corrupted by their hatred. And because I have refused to be corrupted by them, I think that that in itself has created that nasty thing called envy amoungst my family, and when envy turns its head, nobody, especially the envied, are safe.

While they are more comfortable with blaming something on the scapegoat of the family, also happens to be me, I've realized something; I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. This isn't going to get better, and as horrible as it sounds, their hatred of me might very well be the only reason they have not killed each other yet because they all have a common enemy that they feel they must fight against. I get called a wicked person because of the choices I made when I was a teenager, though they aren't my choices now. They weren't all that bad (well, the drug and drinking problems were pretty up there but I never hurt anyone, just myself). But because I chose the road I did, wasn't as successful (and let's face it, I probably will never be a good person in the eyes of my family, nor as important to them as my sister), and made those bad choices in life in the days of my youth, I set myself up for this position. Though before my teen years I wasn't regarded as important as my sister because I was biologically the youngest (my little sister is adopted. They'd never treat her like this), and the youngest isn't really expected to be great (my family aren't exactly the sane kind of people, they are the kind of people you go out of your way to avoid on the sidewalk).

Anyway, I realized something; I'm the glue that keeps them together while being their world's most hated person. I may not have very pleasant family get together life (I imagine now that I know what it is like to be a nudist in a prim and proper household of clothing loving people), nor will I really ever have a normal life because I'll constantly be playing the part of bad guy so I can keep my angry congress of baboons from slaughtering each other. I don't mean to sound cheesy while I write this, I just feel lighter after coming to this conclusion.

I guess that I am a little depressed at this. I won't ever have a normal family, nor will I ever be seen as anything but bad when it comes to being around them and friends of the family. But in another way, I am glad that I may be the reason they have stayed together and have really bonded. I feel alone in a room full of people, and I'm not even sure that I can call myself a good person anymore because if my family catch wind of what I am doing they'll start to fight again and will pick each other apart. I feel hollow, yet I feel whole, like I've suddenly been given the answer to why I felt so unneeded amoungst my family and friends.

I know the typical answer would be to just fucking ditch them because that isn't a family, but I am scared that the title of scapegoat and bad person once I am gone will fall on my sister, who I know won't be able to take it. Yet I can't help but feel sad that I won't ever be able to share my success with them.


I don't even know why I am posting this to be honest, I just feel of all places, I'd rather express this because it was really just tearing me up, and I needed to talk about it.

 

[Protagonist]

I would greatly, greatly encourage you to avoid thinking like this.
If you fear that your family is abusive, you MUST get out as soon as you can. Your not being abused is much more important than whatever glue your "family" appears to need.

 

[FrostedCaramel]

As Protagonist said, in a situation like what you just described, abuse, it doesn't matter what holds your family together. You matter.

I mean this will probably seem harsh but from a perspective of someone who reads what you wrote it seems like you're worried about your abusive family falling apart because they no longer have you to abuse and keep all of their hatred focused on. That's honestly blowing my mind that you're such a caring person you're actually concerned for their well being if you leave.

But you know what, that really says something about you. When you said you've broken the cycle of hatred you really weren't kidding. I think that right there goes to show that your idea that "I won't ever have a normal family" is based entirely in a different dimension. Because one day you will have a normal family, and it probably won't be your family now, it will be whoever you meet somewhere down the line that shows you all these things that your family now isn't showing... Compassion, Love, Caring.. It'll be with this person that you'll have the chance to make that family you never had, and truly break that cycle of hate your current family has created.

I personally think people have the capacity to change, and I think all people have the capacity to be the change that is needed, sadly not all do. Right now, you just have to take a hold of that and really do what you have to do to be in a better situation.

 

[LogicfromLogic]

My sister is and my grandmother are the only ones to never have treated me the way that the rest of the family does. She's never blamed me for anything and actually tried to stick up for me; she relies on the family to help her. I've had to live my own life since I was ten, but she's always been in the folds of the family since she was so close to our grandmother (who I might add was one of the best women to ever have lived in my life, she was another who saw through what I was doing but said nothing, still refused to blame me for anything, which actually helped me as a youngster who didn't understand why the family was like this), and nobody dared tread where my grandmother went. She was the leader but even she couldn't control everything that happened. My sister means the world to me, maybe I am being a bit too worrisome but I am scared that my sister will fall in the position that I am in, and everything she has done and become now will crumble. She's not as strong as she lets on, and the family doing to her what they have done to me...I can't even imagine how she would react. Or live past that, she's been given praises all of her life. She's been taken care of and loved, to turn from that to the sudden shock of what hate does, I fear for her well being. How do I morally let that hurt her? I want a better life, but not at the cost of my sister. She's aware of it but has no idea how to stop it, because somewhere down the line I think something about this broke her. We don't talk about the family when we meet up just to avoid the pain it brings us through to know what is happening. I remember her telling me that she's sorry that this fell on my, but honestly, I'm glad it was me and not her.

How do I get out without hurting her? I feel like that character that must choose between helping one group of people and someone else; no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt.