Trying to Write Again

[Rachelxoxx3]

Comments are welcome. I am just getting back into Poetry, though some are more closer to music lyrics or a rap verse. (Don't know how it happened!) I would appreciate some comments, criticism welcome.

Time

She is running out of time and space,
Watching this little mass penetrate.
Time stamped on her foot, all too soon.
Hanging head in morality's gloom.


The clock strikes and my heart races
The pale rider strides wide in paces.
Another chime from the clock,
Watching everything turn to chalk.

She's grasping straws to stay afloat,
While the clock chimes another sour note.
Her fake smiles cry out for assistance,
But the Grim Reaper needs his pittance.

To death you are nothing more,
But to me you are what I adore.
There is nothing more that I can do,
Please just remember the words, "I love you."​

 

[Rachelxoxx3]

This next one is about Bi-Polar, so it is very short and staccato with each line. I thought about lengthening the lines, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.


Medication

Mutiny in my brain,
About to go insane,
Hiding from my pain,
Why am I so afraid?

But I have to keep going,
Even if my thoughts are flowing,
Reliving through my moping,
But I'm jonesing for some hoping.

Then I crash and hit hard,
In this two tone deck of cards,
Blew my life to shards,
Give sanity my regards.

They say I'm bi-polar,
That my life is all over,
That the medicine is the only way,
To grab that controller.

To live without fear,
Even if, in the mirror,
I look like a zombie
And my face isn't clear.

The words are all there,
But I can't even care,
So who am I and am I still there?

​

 

[WarriorHeart]

I like 'em. Medication would sound good over a beat, though. :p

 

[Rachelxoxx3]

I know! When I read it out loud it is more like a rap, a weird dark rap. With bi-polar sometimes you are going so fast... it is more of the manic state to me!

 

[RiverNotch]

Time

She is running out of time and space,
Watching this little mass penetrate.
Time stamped on her foot, all too soon.
Hanging head in morality's gloom.

The clock strikes and my heart races
The pale rider strides wide in paces.
Another chime from the clock,
Watching everything turn to chalk.

She's grasping straws to stay afloat,
While the clock chimes another sour note.
Her fake smiles cry out for assistance,
But the Grim Reaper needs his pittance.

To death you are nothing more,
But to me you are what I adore.
There is nothing more that I can do,
Please just remember the words, "I love you."​

My comments:
As a whole, the poem's good. I feel, though, that the bolded lines need a bit of tweaking.
With the first bolded line, the whole image there feels disconnected. What is the mass supposed symbolize (if it's her going through time, then the line's kinda wrong, since she can't really be watching herself in all that tension).
The second line, "morality" definitely isn't the right word there, since it introduces a whole 'nother idea alien to the whole poem; perhaps you meant "mortality"? (though that's probably too direct for the poem's good.
Noting the third bolded thing, "my", the speaker's sudden rush into the personal there feels off - rather'd her heart be the one a-rushing.
Of the fourth bolded thing, "fake smiles" also introduces a bit of character in the girl that feels either unprecedented or underdeveloped - either build on her character more through that, or just change it entirely.
The last stanza, meanwhile, especially the part where the speaker comments about her, just feels like too far a jump for the whole thing to fit, at least for me. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but in any case, I feel as if some sort of hint on that general idea in the earlier stanzas would make it work much better. Nevertheless, the tension in the whole thing is good, and the imagery is lovely in its nuance, so yeah.

 

[Rachelxoxx3]

Mortality is right! I must fix it. However it is about a cancer patient. I didn't need it to be too straight forward about the cancer. That may bring more context to the poem. Thanks for the feedback!