- Invitation Status
- Posting Speed
- 1-3 posts per day
- One post per day
- 1-3 posts per week
- Online Availability
- Varies.
- Writing Levels
- Adept
- Advanced
- Prestige
- Adaptable
- Preferred Character Gender
- Female
- Genres
- Fantasy, Modern, Romance
"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Lily."
Natalia had closed the door to the room and was sitting in the same chair as before, gazing at her friend. She was not somebody who believed that people who were unconscious or in life-threatening situations in hospital beds could hear and comprehend what was being said. There was too much evidence to the contrary, in her opinion. If they could hear it, why did they not wake up angry and accusing from the heartfelt confessions they had heard? Instead they were always confused and shocked when truths came out. No, she was not relying on Lily to know, but she did know the girl would listen without response. That was what she needed.
"Everything used to be so easy. Work, get high, work again. I know that your accident was my fault, and it was the first time you ever did anything like that.. It probably felt good for you. It always does the first time," she murmured softly. "After once, it's pain, Lily. It hurts your soul, eating away at you. The rush is nice, but it isn't fun. It's like being on some sort of fucking demon rollercoaster without breaks. You crash and it burns and then you have to get back on it even though you know it's going to kill you. You just keep getting back on because you have to, because your body demands it even when your mind wants to refuse. It doesn't matter how many people get hurt in the process. They just.. don't matter.."
Natalia fell silent for a few minutes, tears filling her eyes and spilling silently out onto her cheeks. They slid down without obstacle. There was no point in stopping them. Nobody could see her now, and she felt as though she could not move even if she tried. She needed this. It needed to come out, even to somebody who was not truly there. She looked down at her hands, watching her fingers tremble.
"I never told you why I was here. America. Land of the free and home to the greedy.. I came for schooling. I was a dancer, once. Not the kind we do now. There was a time not so long ago that I would have blushed and fainted if anybody suggested I get naked in front of anybody else, let alone do it for money. My mother.. My mother would have slapped me by now. She would have beaten me silly, Lily. Everything that I did here, I did for her. I got an education like she wanted and I tried.. I tried so hard to be a dancer like she was. It's all I ever wanted and all that she wanted for me, but I failed. I wasn't good enough. Money ran out and it got me here, making guys stare and jerk off and think I'm some sort of toy. I hate it, Lily. I hate what I've become but I don't know how to stop it..."
She took a deep breath and shook her head.
"I met a guy. His name is Damien. Military type, on leave for some reason. He's polite. He even kicked a guy's ass for me. Can you believe that? Just.. stepped in and did it like it was some fucking normal thing to toss a guy out of a bar. I let him sleep over.. We didn't even fuck. I cooked for him twice and I didn't screw his brains out. It was.. nice. He was nice. He's the only reason you're still breathing, Lily.. He saved you, for now. He's a good guy, and I don't think I can ever see him again. He told me that he wanted me for himself. Me.. the broken ballerina with more baggage than a fucking airplane. I can't do that to him, Lily. I can't. He deserves the world and I can't give it to him. I can't be that girl that people actually want to come home to. I just wish.. that I could. I wish I knew how to dig myself out and be a nice lady again and call him like some normal person, but I don't. I have to let him go..
But I don't want to."
Natalia went silent again, sitting without budging a muscle for several minutes until she finally stood. She carefully wiped her face and picked up her bag, then left the room without looking at anybody else.
Natalia had closed the door to the room and was sitting in the same chair as before, gazing at her friend. She was not somebody who believed that people who were unconscious or in life-threatening situations in hospital beds could hear and comprehend what was being said. There was too much evidence to the contrary, in her opinion. If they could hear it, why did they not wake up angry and accusing from the heartfelt confessions they had heard? Instead they were always confused and shocked when truths came out. No, she was not relying on Lily to know, but she did know the girl would listen without response. That was what she needed.
"Everything used to be so easy. Work, get high, work again. I know that your accident was my fault, and it was the first time you ever did anything like that.. It probably felt good for you. It always does the first time," she murmured softly. "After once, it's pain, Lily. It hurts your soul, eating away at you. The rush is nice, but it isn't fun. It's like being on some sort of fucking demon rollercoaster without breaks. You crash and it burns and then you have to get back on it even though you know it's going to kill you. You just keep getting back on because you have to, because your body demands it even when your mind wants to refuse. It doesn't matter how many people get hurt in the process. They just.. don't matter.."
Natalia fell silent for a few minutes, tears filling her eyes and spilling silently out onto her cheeks. They slid down without obstacle. There was no point in stopping them. Nobody could see her now, and she felt as though she could not move even if she tried. She needed this. It needed to come out, even to somebody who was not truly there. She looked down at her hands, watching her fingers tremble.
"I never told you why I was here. America. Land of the free and home to the greedy.. I came for schooling. I was a dancer, once. Not the kind we do now. There was a time not so long ago that I would have blushed and fainted if anybody suggested I get naked in front of anybody else, let alone do it for money. My mother.. My mother would have slapped me by now. She would have beaten me silly, Lily. Everything that I did here, I did for her. I got an education like she wanted and I tried.. I tried so hard to be a dancer like she was. It's all I ever wanted and all that she wanted for me, but I failed. I wasn't good enough. Money ran out and it got me here, making guys stare and jerk off and think I'm some sort of toy. I hate it, Lily. I hate what I've become but I don't know how to stop it..."
She took a deep breath and shook her head.
"I met a guy. His name is Damien. Military type, on leave for some reason. He's polite. He even kicked a guy's ass for me. Can you believe that? Just.. stepped in and did it like it was some fucking normal thing to toss a guy out of a bar. I let him sleep over.. We didn't even fuck. I cooked for him twice and I didn't screw his brains out. It was.. nice. He was nice. He's the only reason you're still breathing, Lily.. He saved you, for now. He's a good guy, and I don't think I can ever see him again. He told me that he wanted me for himself. Me.. the broken ballerina with more baggage than a fucking airplane. I can't do that to him, Lily. I can't. He deserves the world and I can't give it to him. I can't be that girl that people actually want to come home to. I just wish.. that I could. I wish I knew how to dig myself out and be a nice lady again and call him like some normal person, but I don't. I have to let him go..
But I don't want to."
Natalia went silent again, sitting without budging a muscle for several minutes until she finally stood. She carefully wiped her face and picked up her bag, then left the room without looking at anybody else.