I'll talk about me and random things here, so sorry if you don't understand what I'm saying at your first read. Oh, and english isn't my first language, but I'm trying! So, I think everything started some years ago, when I got obsessed with the idea of having success with a R-18 roleplay on internet, in detriment of my previous failures IRL. I was GMing a 3D&T campaign over Taulukko, a chat-site focused on roleplaying games (very much buggy, if I can add) and I asked my players if I could add a R-18 scene just to see what would happen. Note that we were playing a Touhou alternate universe, so R-18 things are commonplace only on doujin works. At first it was awkward, rushed and desperate. Then I've got a second chance when a new player joined us and... things didn't go well to his first loli companion. I remember that day fondly when his IRL friend and a usual player said "welcome to Atmo's world." He didn't fled, surprisingly, and he still plays in my games to this day. Session after session, I threw crazy things at them and let them do crazy things in this alternate universe because it wouldn't hurt how we did see the canon of Touhou. Then, after one and half year and with a loss of 65% of the players due work and other problems, our campaign ended. We continued (online) friends and played each others game when we had the oportunity, and I even know almost all of them are playing together with new players in other Touhou-like 3D&T campaign over the publisher forum of this game. I tried, at first, to keep near them and to have fun, but... that game was a mess. Nowadays, 1 or 2 years after I left that pbp, they still play and the mess had got to critical levels (IMHO). Nonetheless, I got to "travel alone", trying new systems and meeting new people here and there. A good number of those relationships don't lasted more than a month, but I tried to enforce my weird way of playing on them. Some liked, others refused to continue, but I tried. I can say my style improved 10% since my first attempts; this is a good thing? But, here is the thing, the reason I'm posting this: I can't seen to enjoy a normal RPG session or campaign if I don't have a good reason to do so, be agency or a promise of R-18 scenes. I got over F-List for some time to try and improve my "letting go" of systems when I wanted rough things to happening to my characters (more female than male, mind you), ironically never ending in their deaths. "Only sex allowed" was my motto on those days... three weeks ago. Why did I "left" F-List, again? I think... the stalkers. Actually, only one. I did had a record of making an advertisement, playing an one-shot with one person and never playing with that person again... Sick? I don't know. But my Rynu is a vision to uphold... and a magnet to almost everyone who enjoys a healthy little dark skinned girl with a collar and almost no clothes... Ok, where I was? Oh, "libertine tendencies". See, I don't think this is a (long run) problem, but I don't enjoy usual games anymore. They MUST have something I like or I will take two steps back and go lurking again. Also, I always have a look at other people's advertisments but some things kill my interest in taking part as: being para, can't using other races than human, having to deal with furries or avatars from cartoons I don't like, etc etc. Then, what could it be? My reality changing into something else? Me being consumed by my own pervy character? I know this ISN'T JUST A PHASE.