Sweet's philosophical thoughts.

[Sweet_Temptation]

I guess my mind has been doing on a random spree of thoughts that.. well I want to write down, at least for myself that I won't delete later. Feel free to post, or reply back to them :)


What is happiness but a bitter sweet thought? Something we merely think is worth such agony as we reach are hands out to grasp what little knowledge we have, and yet when we think we are close it so easily slips into a place, far beyond a reach, and we must once again try and climb to the top of what ever it may be that is hardest for us to coup with. We must learn to trust in ourselves, for something that not only alludes so many, but causes so much pain for many. The fleeting thought of what we want to make us have that few minutes of high, and uncontrollable feeling that seems so easily lost as it is gotten, though it is simply just what are minds, wish us to think as we slowly fall into a desperate circle, of touching it only to loose it once more, for an ever lasting cycle that only ends when we truly have grasped it for the final time, and though we may not let it go, we have certainly let a trail of marks, paths, and memories that will only be just that memories as we faded into the bleak black abyss and in hopes of never being forgotten, because we simply found happiness for the last time.

 

[Sweet_Temptation]

I can honestly say that looking back at myself, I never hated myself so much. I never been so disgusted with myself, every time I look in the mirror. Even in high school, when I wished myself dead. I didn't hate myself as much as I do know. Every time I see my face, looking back at me my mind starts to think of everything. How fat I have gotten again, how I am twenty years old. What do you I have to show for myself?

Nothing.

I can't drive, I barely passed high school, I live where I am not wanted, I don't have a job, While yeah I went to school, Truth be told I didn't have too. I feel alone and isolated. I am tired of putting the happy face on and making sure that no one see's that I am in a state of mind, that I hate myself. I am tired of trying to always remember to smile and laugh.

Did I mention I hate my laugh? I hate my smile, I hate my eyes. I use to say "If I have one physical thing I love about myself, It's my eyes" every time I see them, I just wanna blind myself. I can not stand my mind, always going from one thing to another, always trying to do something new. I feel the pit of my stomach turning as my brain brings me from high to low.

I keep saying " I wanna be a vet!" "I wanna go further than this" Well truth be told, I highly doubt I am going to get anywhere past this, If I am even lucky to be able to get a job doing this. I am not that smart, the chances of me getting into med school are slim to none, and did I mention, the pre-req's alone are going to make me wanna shoot my foot.

Oh? Have I said how I regret basically everything? Have I mentioned that, I keep going back to "what would have happened, if I didn't make it" "What if I had killed myself successfully" I never thought that, I would be thinking of things like this again. That urge to slice threw my skin, I never felt it so strong. But, I know the moment I give in, is the moment I won't be able to stop. I am not ready to go back to that, but my mind wants me to go back to that.